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Theme song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-

Totally insane-y

How urbane-y

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Opening Segment[]

(The Warner Trio gets out the tower. Yakko gets a water bucket, Dot puts some Acme HumOngo Bubble in the water in there. Yakko stirs. Then gets a giant bubble "wand" and makes a giant bubble. Then They go inside the bubble, and it floats away.)

No Pain, No Painting[]

*Narrator: Paris, 1905… Home of the Arc de Triomphe, the Eiffel Tower, and lots of French people! And it was here, that the young artist, Pablo Picasso, struggled to break new ground in the world of painting.

*Pablo: Ah! Oh. Huhh! eh. ho! (draws dogs playing poker) No, no, no this is not me! This is not my new style! This is not Picasso! You can go now! Merci. go-go-go-go-go!

*Dogs: Crazy artist. He is insane! I've got a cramp in my hind leg!

*Warner Trio (singing):

Frere Warner (means brother Warner)

Frere Warner

What's that mean?

Keep it clean

Yakko is a yakker

Wakko is a snacker

Dot's plain cute

So's this boot. (dance, then can-can)

*Dot (spoken): Stop! There it is. See?

*Yakko: Models wanted.

*Dot: I'd be a great model. What does Christie Brinkley have that I don't have?

*Yakko and Wakko: Billy Joel

(Wakko plays drums, then the Warner Trio knocks on Pablo's door. Dogs come out)

*Dog: We quit.

*Pablo: Fine.

*Yakko: Excuse me, Mr. Picasso?

*Pablo: Huh? What do you want?

*Dot: We understand you're looking for models.

*Pablo: Go away. No more dogs. Picasso has seen enough dogs today. Go away! (slams door)

(Warner Trio knocks on the door again)

*Dot: We're not dogs.

*Pablo: Well then, cats, no cats! (slams door)

(Yakko uses Wakko to sound a gong. Pablo opens the door)

*Wakko: We're not cats.

*Pablo: You are, large bugs, maybe?

*Warner Trio: No. We're the Warner Brothers!

*Dot: And the Warner Sister!

*Yakko: I'm Yakko

*Wakko: I'm Wakko

*Dot: And I'm as cute as a button on a teddy bear's nose. (kisses Pablo twice) It's a European thing.

*Yakko: (kisses Pablo twice)

*Wakko: (kisses Pablo eight times, rapidly) Peh-peh-peh-peh-peh-peh!

*Pablo: Go away! (slams door)

*Warner Trio: (are inside Pablo's house)

*Yakko: Did you know there's P.P on your smock?

*Dot: Di-sgusting!

*Pablo: This stands for Pablo Picasso!

*Yakko: Yeah. Now, About that modeling job?

*Pablo: No, no! I need professional models. I'm a very famous artist.

*Yakko: Really? What have you done?

*Pablo: I did these in my blue period. And these in my rose period.

*Yakko: What's next, plaid?

*Dot: I can do plaid.

*Pablo: I don't know what's next, and that's why I need you to leave! I'm very busy trying to discover a new style. Please go away!

*Yakko: So we should go?

*Pablo: Oui, oui.

*Yakko: Pardon?

*Pablo: Oui, oui!

*Yakko: Uh. The stuff they're getting away with on kids' shows these days.

*Dot: You go to your room until you can clean up your language, young man.

*Pablo: No, oui, oui means yes, yes! Please, will you go away if I give you some francs?

*Yakko: I got the beans.

*Wakko: I got the ketchup.

*Dot: I got the buns.

*Yakko: Says you.

*Pablo: Stop eating my wax fruit!

(Wakko spits it out)

*Dot: Romantic, isn't it.

*Pablo: You kids, I- AH! I can't do it! I'm lost! I cannot think! My mind is, like a blank!

*Yakko: Pablo, babe, you need to relax. Take your mind of your troubles. I know, let's play a game.

*Wakko: Guess the picture. Guess the picture!

*Dot: Pablo's on my team, Pablo's on my team!

*Wakko: Okay.

*Yakko: But we go first.

*Pablo: What? I--OOH!

*Wakko: Guess what I'm drawing. (draws weird face)

*Yakko: Uh, uh, Mt. Rushmore!

*Wakko: That's right!

*Yakko and Wakko: Yay! 2 seconds!

*Dot: Okay, Pablo. Use your talent.

*Pablo: (draws realistic bull)

*Dot: No, I don't know, a sock. A doorknob! Wilson Philips?

*Yakko: Eh, time's up.

*Pablo: It's a bull, a bull!

*Dot: And you call yourself an artist.

*Wakko: (draws bull with very big head) That's a bull.

*Pablo: Oh, but that's terrible. It's ugly!

*Yakko: Not according to the scoreboard, Mr. sore loser. Next round!

*Wakko: (draws a clown)

*Yakko: Uh, the clown that stands outside the car wash and waves.

*Wakko: That's it!

*Yakko and Wakko: Yay! 3 seconds.

*Pablo: (draws guitar)

*Dot: Gosh, uh, Liz Taylor?

*Pablo: No!

*Dot: A rock? press-on nails? cheese? Belly-button lint? A dna molecule? That guy in the Madonna video? Spam?

*Yakko: Eh! Time's up!

*Dot: I thought you'd be good at this!

*Pablo: I can't believe it, it's a guitar! A guitar! The neck, the strings, a guitar!

*Yakko: (draws cubic guitar) That's a guitar.

*Pablo: What? That's ridiculous! It's hideous and all bent! A guitar?

*Wakko and Dot: (nod)

*Pablo: What am I doing with you kids? I have no time for this! Get out! Get out!

*Yakko: We were just-

*Pablo: Out!

*Dot: We didn't-

*Pablo: Go!

(Warner Trio walk out, Wakko shows his a drawing of his gookie)

*Pablo: NOW!

(door knocks)

*Pablo: I said, go! Oh Monsieur Clark, heh heh, excuse me, um, please, come in. An art critic of your magnitude is always welcome.

*Clark: I have come to see your new work, Picasso. I wish to do a feature article on it.

*Pablo: Oh, well, uhuh the new work?

*Clark: Eh, oh what is this?

*Pablo: That? Oh, that's a

*Clark: Fantastic! Genius. Is there more?

*Pablo: Uh, why yes there is.

*Clark: Picasso, once again you stand the art world on its' ear. How do you do it?

*Pablo: Uh, I steal it?

(both laugh)

*Crowd: I take, zat one. I buy, I buy! any price. Oh please, I must have it!

*Pablo: Keep up the good work, mes amis!

*Yakko: We get paid in franks. (bite)

Les Miseranimals[]

*Runt: (knocks door down, runs)

*Camembert (singing):

Runt Valrunt, I'll track you down, I swear.

No matter where you run, I will be there,

I, Camembert.

(person puts up sign saying wanted, Runt Valrunt. Bad dog. Bad bad dog. Cats are seen all caged up)

*Rita: Welcome to the French Revolution!

*Man 1: This is intolerable. Monsieur Tristesse!

*Tristesse: Monsieur?

*Man 1 (singing):

At the end of my fork is an unknown food product.

*Tristesse:

You miserable fool that's a bit of sardine

*Man 1:

If that's a sardine, then I'm the bloomin' May queen

*Crowd:

Forgive us sir, but your gourmet pies are obscene.

We want protein!

(pie Tristesse)

*Tristesse (spoken): Oh, it is true! I have no meat for my gourmet, meaty meat pies.

*Keeper: Are you the keeper of the cats?

*Tristesse: Oui, oui. All le "miseranimals" as I call zem are out zere in ze pen. Miserable stray cats every muelling one of them

*Keeper: Have you seen this fugitive? Comes to the name of Runt Valrunt.

*Tristesse: What was his crime, monsieur keeper of the dogs?

*Keeper: He stole a bone.

*Tristesse: Oh, terrible. I have not seen him, monsieur, but if I do, I will nab him for you.

(the dog eats the pie and goes to vomit)

*Tristesse: Oh, even the dogs won't eat my pies. Without meat, I am ruined.

*Keeper: Now here's a bit of advice for you. With the right spices, cats can be very tasty.

*Tristesse: Cats? Never! Perish the thought! On the other hand...

*Rita: (licks herself)

*Dukockis (singing):

Look at Rita, primping up her fur.

*Ballue:

Thinks she's such a fancy one,

Just listen to her purr.

*Kitty Litter:

Arrogant Rita, oh so marvelous.

*Cats:

Haughty, precious kitty better than the rest of us.

Pu girl, you're odoriferous

(Kitten thrown out by Tristesse)

*Kitten:

Guess what I saw, I saw it with me own eyes.

Monsieur Tristesse, has no more meat for his pies,

Believe it or not, he threw fat cat in a pot.

Fat cat escaped, but if Tristesse has his way,

He'll make a fat cat souffle.

*Dukockis:

No not a cat

*Kitten:

It was fat cat

*Ballue:

It was a cat?

*Kitten:

A kitty cat!

*Cats:

Oh, save us, god, we're living with a Sweeney Todd

*Ballue:

Give him Rita; Rita's nice and fat!

*Dukockis:

Rita must be tasty, why, she's an aristocrat.

*All four:

To the kitchen; throw her in a vat!

(Rita roars loudly)

*Rita:

Never underestimate the little guy.

(different song)

Starlight, starbright, I wish I was any place but this. (spoken)

*Rita: (singing)

There is a Flat in Gay Paree,

Safe on a tree-lined avenue.

No cats a la carte on the menu,

Not in my Flat in Gay Paree.

There is a chef of fine cuisine.

He is a vegetarian.

As he prepares a fine banquet,

He says,

Rita and Chef (in unison): "Rita, you're my beloved pet."

Rita: I know a flat where I can nap,

Safe on a chair or in the lap.

I won't end up in a recipe,

Not in my Flat in Gay Paree.

*Runt (spoken): Psst!

*Rita: Who are you?

*Runt (singing):

I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, Runt Valrunt! Definitely!

Rita glad I found you safe and sound.

*Rita:

Runt, where the blazes have you been?

*Runt:

Rita, doing straight time in the pound.

*Rita:

Runt, get me out of this pen!

(Runt backs away, rams into wall.)

*Runt: (grabs Rita's tail, which is wiggling. Grabs it and moves far away)

*Rita: Yeow! (shrieks in pain)

*Runt: Uh-oh (stops). Oh Rita, bad idea Rita, I'm definitely a bad dog. Definitely, definitely a bad dog.

*Rita (singing):

Please don't be upset, Runt,

It hardly hurts at all,

But that hole is much too small,

To pull my body through.

What were you thinking, you big buffoon?

Don't worry, It's okay.

The pain will go away.

He must have confused me for a cartoon.

*Runt (spoken): I'm gonna go get help Rita, definitely, definitely going to get help. I'll be back, I definitely will. So- so don't go anywhere, Rita. Uh, definitely-- I'll be back.

*Rita: Darn, there goes my trip to Aruba.

*Ballue: Where's Runt Valrunt?

*Rita: He's probablt chasing his tail somewhere.

(poodles bark)

*Poodles (singing):

Do you hear the poodles bark,

Barking the barks of angry mutts,

*Runt:

It is the high-pitched step of pedigree dogs,

Whose mouths will not be shut.

*Poodles:

We will break down the prison wall,

We will destroy the restaurant,

We are revolting poodles following Runt Valrunt!

*Runt (spoken): Poodles of the world, unite.

*Poodles: Hooray!

*Runt: Free les miseranimals! Down with imprisonment, definitely down.

(digging starts)

*Dogs (singing):

Dig down, dig deep,

Le miseranimal

Dig down, dig deep,

To freedom through a tun-nel!

*Dukockis:

Dogs and cat's shouldn't fraternize,

*Rita:

You wanna end up in meat pies

*Ballue:

Rita's right, let's use our paws.

*Kitty Litter:

I ain't gettin' dirt between me claws.

*Rita (spoken): Get over yourself.

*Everybody (singing):

Dig down, dig deep,

Le miseranimal,

Dig down, dig deep,

To freedom through a tun-nel.

(digging works, everybody goes in the tunnel, fat cat struggles so Runt helps)

*Tristesse (spoken): My cats! (picks up Rita) Voila! One kitty left to invite to dinner. Pardonne-moi, to invite to be dinner.

(bite)

*Tristesse (singing):

Bitten in ze butt, got another tear,

Took a little nibble from my derriere

I will get you in ze end, dog,

You'll regret you bit me, chum.

Oh, I am so irritated, I got bitten in ze bum!

(Tristesse swings, and so Rita and Runt jump and escape. Tristesse knocks down the wall.

*Camembert (singing):

Valrunt, you cur, there's no escaping me,

Ha ha, ho ho, ha ha ha ha hee hee

*Camembert/Runt (singing):

You'll go back to the pound/But I protest I'm an innocent stray

You'll go back/Confess Camembert, you know it's true

A dog like you cannot run free/I did not steal that bone,

A dog like you/It was you

(Both stare)

*Runt: Toodle-oo

(Tristesse knocks down, burying both)

*Camembert: Ouch.

*Tristesse: Owie!

*Animals: Hooray!

*Runt: To Paris?

*Animals: To paris!

*Rita (singing):

At the end of the road is the city of Paris

At the end of the road is the city of light

The city of romance, where we can be merry and dance,

And with any luck at all, we'll find shelter tonight

Vive le France!

End[]

(Wakko run to water tower. He puts a switch on the bottom, bringing an escalator, which brings them to the top. Ralph tries, but is squashed by a falling anvil. The Warner Trio returns inside)

(animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Yakko: I'm Yakko.

*Wakko: I'm Wakko.

*Dot: And I'm cute!

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