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Theme song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-

Totally insane-y

Citizen Kane-y

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Opening Segment[]

(Popcorn rapidly flies out of water tower. Warner Trio ski down and come out)

Garage Sale of the Century[]

(Garage sale signs everywhere)

*Pa Bear: 700 big ones. (laughs delightfully)

*Customer: 'Scuse me

*Pa Bear: Hi neighbor, what can I do you for?

*Customer: What is this?

*Pa Bear: Well this, uh, this thing, it's uh, uh, gribble refiner. Very valuable, one of a kind.

*Customer: What's a gribble refiner?

*Pa Bear: What's a gri- you refine gribble with it for heaven's sake. You don't have to buy it, make your own. Enough gribble for everyone.

*Customer: Wow, i'll take it!

*Pa Bear: Good man! That's $19.95 plus tax, license, destination fee, shipping and handling. Whoops, I forgot research and development. Nice doing business with ya, bye bye! (kicks him away)

*Old Customer: Excuse me.

*Pa Bear: What can I do ya for?

*Old Customer: I bought this from your garage sale an hour ago, and when I got it home it fell apart.

*Pa Bear: It's supposed to that. Gives it character.

*Old Customer: Oh no, it's broken, and I'd like my money back.

*Pa Bear: Tell ya what I'm gonna do. I'm a fair man, let's compromise. No refunds!! (throws her away into a tree)

*Old Customer: That was rude.

*Yakko: Garage sale. Must be this way.

*Wakko: Hello, lady in the tree. (runs off with his siblings)

*Old Customer: What a charming lad.

*Yakko: Well, sibs, there it is. The garage sale!

*Dot: That's the best garage I've ever seen. It's wonderful!

*Wakko: Wow, are we really gonna buy it, Yakko?

*Yakko: It's a garage sale, isn't it? come on!

(Warner Trio measures the garage using Wakko's body as measurement. Dot writes.)

*Yakko: 22 feet long!

*Wakko: 10 feet tall!

*Dot: iIt's the perfect size Yakko, look. It fits right on top of the tower.

*Wakko: Hey, the owner's coming.

*Yakko: Remember sibs, don't let him know were interested or we won't get a good deal (whispered).

(Warner Trio whistles and walks around)

*Pa Bear: What are you kids doing?

*Yakko: Nah, it's just not what we're looking for, uhh... it's all wrong.

*Wakko: You'd have to pay us to take it away.

*Yakko: But, uhh... I think we could see our way clear to pay you, hmm, what's fair? 26 cents?

*Pa Bear: Whaddaya talking about?

*Yakko: Now, now, none of that. We're not here to haggle, 26 cents is our final offer for your garage. Take or leave it.

*Dot: Take it, oh take it, please, please!

*Yakko: (shakes head rapidly)

*Dot: Or not, I don't care.

*Pa Bear: You kids are crazy, get off of my property!

*Yakko: Twenty-seven cents, but this is as high as we go for this particular garage. You'll have to sell you're Don Knotts video

*Wakko: (whimper)

*Pa Bear: (kicks them out) The garage is not for sale! (closes garage)

*Wakko: Ooh, can I press the button?

*Pa Bear: No!

*Wakko: Oh, please, please? (remote smashes)

*Pa Bear: Now look what you've done!

*Wakko: Don't worry mr, we can fix it! It'll be good as new.

*Pa Bear: Give me that back!

*Wakko: I'll fix it, I'll fix it! I'll be right back.

*Yakko: So how bout it pal-y, 27 cents, deal?

*Pa Bear: What are you kids, nuts? My garage isn't for sale. It's worth at least 20 thousand dollars.

*Dot: Fine, let's meet somewhere in the middle.

*Yakko: 28 cents?

*Pa Bear: Why you little- (chases them) Get outta here!

*Yakko: Not until you sell us the garage.

*Wakko: (hits remote, makes roof float up) Faboo! (makes it go down again, makes customers float upside-down, returns them. Makes door slam in Pa Bear's face.) Almost got it fixed.

*Dot: What are we gonna do, Yakko, I don't think he wants to sell.

*Yakko: We'll have to try a different approach.

*Wakko: (sees two women, uses remote)

*Dot: That'll be enough of that.

*Yakko: Every boy needs a hobby.

*Customer: It's broken! I want my money back!

*Pa Bear: Nice doing business with ya! May I help you?

*Yakko: Warner's the name, auctions are my game, see. This a nice garage, I can get you top dollar for it, top dollar.

*Pa Bear: What?

*Yakko: Yes siree bob, we'll auction it off to the highest bidder, lots of money ooh. You'll be rich, I tell ya, rich (laughs). Whaddya say?

*Pa Bear: I don't think-

*Yakko: Good man! I'll start the bidding at twenty-five cents, twenty-five cents?

*Dot: 25 cents!

*Yakko: 25, do I hear 26?

*Wakko: 26 cents!

*Yakko: 26, do I hear 27?

*Old guy: 27 cents! (booted out by Wakko)

*Dot: 27 cents!

*Yakko: 27 cents, going once, twice, sold! Hoo, you're a lucky man!

*Pa Bear: (pulls off Yakko's disguise) You!

*Yakko: Who?

*Pa Bear: Get outta here!

*Old customer: That's him, officer!

*Policeman: These people tell me, you won't give them refunds.

*Pa Bear: But officer, I've given all my profits to charity. I have no money!

*Wakko: (uses remote, money falls out)

*Pa Bear: (laughs nervously)

*Old Customer: Get the money!

(Crowd rushes towards Pa Bear and takes all his money)

*Pa Bear: (cries) I'm penniless, broke! nothing!

*Yakko: Say, how'd you like to make twenty-six cents?

(Cut to water tower with garage on top)

*Dot: Our very own garage.

*Yakko: Guess what? Tommorow, some guy's having a yard sale!

Intermission[]

*Dot: Let's read our fortunes.

*Yakko: The hotel of your mind has many vacancies.

*Dot: You are cute and can't help it.

*Yakko: What's yours say, Wakko?

*Wakko: I didn't get a fortune.

*Dot: What'd you get?

*Wakko: Something better. The next cartoon!

West Side Pigeons[]

*Goodfeather Trio: (walk around clicking)

*Squit: As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to fall in love. But we were always too busy bein' tough birds. Fightin' to protect our territory from the sparrows. Especially the statue of Martin Scorsese. No bird could perch on Scorsese's head unless he was a goodfeather. And as long as the sparrows kept trying to take the statue, love would have to wait.

(Sparrows perch)

*Goodfeather Trio: Beat it! (surround pigeons)

*Sparrow: The statue is all yours for now, pigeons. Enjoy it while you can. (all move away)

*Krupkitty: Mrow!

*Squit: krupkitty.

(Goodfeather Trio moves away and escapes)

*Pesto: Go eat the sparrows, you creep! Those sparrows don't give us no respect, Bobby.

*Bobby: Bada bing, no respect. You know what I'm saying?

*Pesto: How am I supposed to know what you're saying, you're saying it.

*Bobby: What am I saying?

*Pesto: You're saying what you're saying. I don't know what you're saying.

*Bobby: I don't know what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying? I'm saying at the bird dance tonight, we ask the sparrows to rumble.

*Squit: I don't wanna fight Bobby, I wanna meet somebody, dance. Fall in love.

*Pesto: You know what you are, Squit, a chicken. That's what. (clucking)

*Bobby: Are you clucking at me? Are you clucking at me?

*Pesto: Nah, I'm not clucking at you, I'm clucking at Squit. He wants to fall in love.

*Bobby: Not tonight, Squit. Tonight, we rumble. Beat it.

*Goodfeather Trio (singing):

Here come the Goodfeathers

Cooing at you

That no sparrow can perch

On Scorsese's statue

On our everlovin'

Beakin', buggin'

Statue, Goodfeathers

(hit fence)

(spoken) let me out of here!

*Sparrows: (dancing)

*Goodfeather Trio: (approach)

*Carloota: (charms)

*Squit: (walks towards Carloota)

(both go towards each other)

*Squit: I love you.

*Carloota: I love you back.

*Squit: Some day, I want you to migrate with me.

*Carloota: Ok

*Sparrows: (angry)

(Carloota and Squit kiss), interrupted.

*Sparrow: Hey, stay away from my sister, Squit. Chicky-butt, take Carloota home.

(does)

*Squit: Carloota (flies away on a love cloud)

*Bobby: Oh, noodles. You wanna rumble.

*Sparrow: Yeah, we will rumble with you.

*Bobby: Then we rumble. Under the statue around 10:15. No weapons, capische?

*Sparrow: What weapons?

*Bobby: Ey, yo, ah? No weapons.

*Sparrow: Alright, alright, no weapons. Hey, we rumble. Get the weapons.

*Carloota: Hello down there, Squit.

*Squit: Carloota, meet me at the Scorsese statue around 10:43. Why wait, we'll migrate tonight.

*Carloota: Ok. (flies away)

*Squit (singing): Oh, Carloota.

Carloota I just met a bird named Carloota

And please don't think me rude but I think I'd like to brood

With Carloota, Carloota, Carloota, Carloota (in Krudkitty's stomacy)

*Krudkitty: I got to cut down on my coloratura. (spits Squit out)

*Sparrow (puts on weapon) Can't wait to introduce them pigeons to my mega-beak.

*Other sparrow: Why you want to fight all the time?

*Sparrow: We fight 'cause those pigeons think they got it all.

*Sparrow 2: They do got the statue

*Sparrow: When we take the statue, we'll rule the roost.

*Other sparrow: We wanna stay here on the rooftop (nods with Carloota)

*3 sparrows (singing): We don't.

We'd like to perch on Scorsese's head,

Why can't we perch on Scorsese's head?

Goodfeathers perch on Scorsese's head.

Sparrows should perch on Scorsese's head.

*3 other sparrows:

 On the rooftop we get lots of sunshine

*3 sparrows:

 Don't want to perch on a clothesline

*3 other sparrows:

 Up here we have a bird's-eye view

*3 sparrows:

Humans drop food by the statue

*3 other sparrows:

We'd like to perch on Scorsese's head.

Why can't we perch on Scorsese's head?

Goodfeathers perch on Scorsese's head.

We're gonna perch on Scorsese's head.

[cheep cheep cheep]

Ai! Ai! Ai!

(all move)

*Bobby: Heh, hew. Look at mr. what a difference a day makes over here.

*Pesto: (laughs) Spiffing up for the rumble, squit?

*Squit: No, I have a date with Carluta. (sigh) There's no bird in the city like Carloota. Around her,

(singing)

I feel feathery, oh, so feathery

All my plumage is standing up tall

I'm no peacock but it doesn' bother me at all

Who's that handsome squab in the mirror there?

*Pesto:

 What squab? Where? Who?

*Squit:

Who can that attractive bird be?

*Bobby and Pesto:

Which one? Where? Who?

*Bobby and Pesto/Squit:

Chirp quack, caw cluck/who

Chirp queek! Coo coo!/it's

*Squit:

Me .

I feel feathery oh, so feathery,

Like a fledgling a soft, downy dove.

Oh, this pigeon handsome pigeon's,

All puffed up with love !

(splash)

*Goodfeather Trio:

coo, coo, coo

*3 sparrows:

Chirp, chirp,

*Goodfeather Trio: More cooing

*3 sparrows: (dance)

*Goodfeather Trio: (dance)

*Sparrow: (fights Bobby with weapon)

*Bobby: Aah! Oh man, oh man! He's wearing Acme mega-beak over here.

(both sprint around each other. Pesto gets a clean shot on his opponent. Steam comes out of the area where Squit was fighting)

*Bobby: Come out, come out, wherever you are. Huh!

*Pesto: Squit beat Noodles!

*Krudkitty: (comes)

*All: It's Krudkitty! Fly for your lives! (fly away)

(Krudkitty eats Noodles, who gets out)

*Krudkitty: That's it, I'm sticking to a crescendo-free diet of mute mice.

*Squit: Godpigeon. (kisses foot)

*Godpigeon: Let's go to a car lot. (captioned)

*Squit: What? I-I don't speak your language. Uh, car, Carloota?

*Godpigeon: Eh, We'll perch on a buick.

*Squit: Beaked? Carluta got beaked?

*Godpigeon: We'll play poo-poo bombadiers. It'll be fun.

*Squit: It was chicky-butt, wasn't it? He thinks I beat Noodles, and he beat the one I loved for revenge!

*Godpigeon: (mumbles) See ya (captioned)

*Carluta: Squit?

*Squit: Carloota, I thought you were beaked.

*Carluta: Silly pigeon, come, let us migrate, and- huh? Johnny!

*Johnny: (hugs Carloota)

*Carluta: My Johnny through the coop 3 days ago, but he's back.

*Squit: (posture fails, walks away)

*Carluta: Sorry Squit, it wouldn't have worked out anyways, see, 'cause you're a pigeon, but we had a few coos together, huh.

*Johnny: Come, I have found luxurious nesting grounds in Cleveland.

*Squit: Carloota dumped me. She and the sparrows flew to Cleveland.

*Bobby: Forget about it, Squit. You're a goodfeather, see?

(singing) 

And there's a perch for you

On this statue for you

*Bobby and Pesto:

Forget the chick 'cause she done you wrong

 Scorsese's head Is where you belong

*Goodfeather Trio:

Coo coo

Coo coo

Coo coo

Aah! (statue destroyed)

(spoken)

*Bobby: Eh! There's a statue of coppola down the street.

*Squit: When you're a Goodfeather, no matter what happens, you stay a Goodfeather. When you fall in love, you might no stay there. Love? Not for me, no, thanks.

(blue bird walks)

*Squit: Then again, (wolf whistle)

End[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Warner Trio: Goodbye, nurse!

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