Theme song[]
(music)
*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:
It's time for Animaniacs
And we're zany to the max
So just sit back and relax.
You'll laugh till you collapse.
We're Animaniacs!
*Yakko and Wakko:
Come join the Warner Brothers
*Dot:
And the Warner Sister Dot
*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:
Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.
They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.
But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.
We're Animaniacs
Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.
Wakko packs away the snacks
While Bill Clinton plays the sax
We're Animaniacs!
Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.
Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.
Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.
The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?
*All:
We're Animaniacs
We have pay-or-play contracts
We're zany to the max
There's baloney in our slacks!
We're Animanie-
Totally insane-y
Here's the show's name-y
Animaniacs! Those are the facts!
Chalkboard Bungle[]
*Ralph: Uh, may I helps yous?
*Ms. Flamiel: I'm here to see the chairman of the board. I am ms. Flamiel, the new studio teacher.
*Ralph: Uhh, You must be new, 'cause, uh, I ain't never seen before.
*Ms. Flamiel: Ain't, never? That's a double negative. Grammar, grammar, grammar, I'm going to have to give you an "F"! (draws F on Ralph's head)
*Ralph: Boy, my folks are gonna kill me.
*Thaddeus Plotz: Ms Flamiel, I've hired you because you're a fine teacher, but mostly because you're a very strict disciplinarian.
*Ms. Flamiel: How kind.
*Thaddeus Plotz: However, the assignment I'm giving you will not be easy. You see, the Warners are not normal children. (chews gum) Now, I expect-
*Ms. Flamiel: I will no tolerate gum chewing. Spit it out, come, come, come. Give me the gum. Gum chewing is for cows. F. (draws F on Thaddeus' head)
*Thaddeus Plotz: Ms. Flamiel, I don't think you-
*Ms. Flamiel: And don't slouch. Sit up straight. Now, you were saying? And speak up. No mumbling.
*Thaddeus Plotz: Ms Flamiel, do you mind? I am not in class! I hired you! Now, will you please be quiet? It will be your job to get those zany Warner Brothers under control. But they can be difficult.
*Ms. Flamiel: So can I. There hasn't been a child yet that Ms. Flamiel hasn't been able to control, except for Funny Hackett, but that's genetic. Now tell me, when do I get to meet the dear little ones?
*Thaddeus Plotz: I'll, uh, have Ralph bring them by.
*Ms. Flamiel: Don't keep me waiting.
(Ralph knocks on door)
*Ms. Flamiel: come in. School supplies?
*Ralph: Uh, no, Ms. Flamiel. These is your students. Don't open it 'till I leaves. Here. (dashes out)
*Ms. Flamiel: (opens it with crowbar)
(Warner Trio say in harmony according the G7 chord)
*Yakko: School
*Dot: School
*Wakko: School
*Warner Trio: School
(singing)
Our first day of school, we're eager little learners.
So fill our brains with lot of facts,
Our first day of school
*Yakko:
Teach,
*Dot:
Teach,
*Wakko:
Teach
*Warner Trio:
We're ready for our lessons,
So teach us math, geometry,
Don't forget geography,
English, lit and chemistry,
And please throw in the abcs.
Oh, teacher, teach us now.
*Ms. Flamiel (spoken): This is a classroom, not a music hall. Now find your seats.
*Yakko: Got my seat.
*Wakko: Got mine.
*Dot: Here's mine.
*Yakko: Bet you don't have trouble finding yours.
*Ms. Flamiel: Go to your desks. We'll begin class by reciting the pledge of allegiance. Please repeat after me.
*Warner Trio: Please repeat after me.
*Ms. Flamiel: No, no, no. Wait until I start, then repeat after me.
*Warner Trio: No, no, no. Wait until I start, then repeat after me.
*Ms. Flamiel: Stop that. I'm warning you.
*Warner Trio: Stop that. I'm warning you.
*Ms. Flamiel: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
*Warner Trio: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
*Ms. Flamiel: If you don't stop it right now, I shall scream.
*Warner Trio: If you don't stop it right now, I shall scream.
*Ms. Flamiel: All right. That's it!
*Warner Trio: All right. That's it!
(Ms. Flamiel screams and runs out, and the Warner Trio screams and runs out)
*Warner Trio: With liberty and justice for all.
(writes a bunch of rules, followed by no anything)
*Ms. Flamiel: Let me warn you that I won’t tolerate any foolishness. Are we clear?
*Warner Trio: No, we're opaque. Now we're clear.
*Ms. Flamiel: Ohh. Let us begin.
*Yakko: Oh, oh, don't you want our homework?
*Ms. Flamiel: How can you have homework? This is the first day of school.
*Dot: Extra credit.
*Ms. Flamiel: Let me see it.
*Yakko: You can't. Our dog ate it.
*Ms. Flamiel: Don't lie.
*Dot: We're not lying, see?
*Wakko: Grr! Grr! Grr! (mouth on paper)
*Ms. Flamiel: Bad dog. Give me that! Give, give it now. Oh! I'm warning you. Don't make me use corporal punishment.
*Yakko: You mean him?
(Ms. Flamiel laughs coyly)
*Ms. Flamiel: Let us begin with our lessons. We'll start with math. Yakko, can you count to 100?
*Yakko: 1, 2, skip a few, 99, 100.
*Ms. Flamiel: No, give me all the numbers.
*Yakko: Hey, it's only a six-minute cartoon.
*Ms. Flamiel: Let's move on. Wakko, can you multiply?
*Wakko: How's this?
*Ms. Flamiel: Not that sort of multi- let's leave math, shall we? We'll move on to science. Dot, what can you tell me about the great scientists of the 18th century?
*Dot: They're all dead.
*Ms. Flamiel: No, no, no.
*Dot: Alright, they're all living.
*Ms. Flamiel: No, no, no!
*Yakko: Well now we're getting into philosophy.
*Ms. Flamiel: We're not getting into phi- we'll move on to grammar. Wakko, what is the meaning of the word "Procrastination"?
*Wakko: I'll tell you tomorrow.
*Ms. Flamiel: You children are making this very difficult!
*Yakko: Well, learning isn't easy.
*Ms. Flamiel: Let's move on to sentence structure. First, verbs. Yakko, can you conjugate?
*Yakko: Who me? I've never even kissed a girl.
*Ms. Flamiel: No, no, no. It's easy. I'll conjugate with you.
*Yakko: Goodnight, everybody.
*Ms. Flamiel: You don't understand. Let me go the the board and show you.
*Yakko: Don't look.
*Ms. Flamiel: "The dog ran in the rain." "Dog" is the subject, and "Ran" is the verb. Now the verb- (Warner Trio play badminton, but stop, then play pogo when Ms. Flamiel starts again) the verb could be conjugated so that the dog- I know what you're doing. I have eyes in back of my head.
*Yakko: Really? So do we.
(Warners show 2 eyes, except Wakko, who has 9 eyes)
*Ms. Flamiel: It's time for a pop quiz.
(Dot puts blindfold over Yakko, and places "Frizza" and "Burpo cola")
*Ms. Flamiel: What are you doing?
*Dot: Pop quiz.
(Yakko drinks both, and the "Burpo cola" first)
*Yakko: I like the first one.
*Wakko: He likes frizzy cola, mama
*Yakko and Dot: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
*Ms. Flamiel: stop that! Stop that! Sit at your desks this instant. (gets pen from blouse)
*Yakko: Ooh. What else you got in there?
*Ms. Flamiel: Why you little! "F!" (draws an f on yakko's forehead)
*Dot: Hey! You can't do that to him!
*Ms. Flamiel: "F!" (draws an f on dot's forehead, causing her to cry and wakko laughs at her) "F!" (draws an f on wakko's forehead and making him furious)
*Yakko: Oh, now you've gone and hurt his feelings.
*Dot: I'd apologize if I were you.
*Ms. Flamiel: I will not! You're horrid, naughty children.
*Wakko: Grr...! (explodes)
*Ralph: Uh, are you dones with them Warner Brothers a-a-and Sister?
*Ms. Flamiel: Yes! Take them away.
(Dot pulls head off from inside. It was a disguise)
*Yakko: Recess!
*Ms. Flamiel: Get me out of here right now! I'll give you an "F", do you hear me? "F!" "F!" "F!" "F!" "F!"
Slappy Squirrel intro[]
*Warner Trio: The crankiest of creatures in the whole wide world, our next cartoon features Slappy the Squirrel!
*Slappy; E-nough with the singing already!
*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: That's Slapp-y
Hurray for Slappy[]
(jazz music)
*Skippy: Help, aunt slappy! I'm caught! Help!
*Slappy: Skippy, what're you doing wrapped up like some curse of the mummy there? (unwraps bow tie)
*Skippy: Whew! Thanks, aunt slappy. I just want to look my best for your award banquet. You're finally getting the lifetime achievement award! The paper calls you a "Toon great."
*Slappy: A "Former toon great." The nerve. I'm funnier in my sleep than these new cartoon characters they got out there today.
*Skippy: Now and then aunt slappy's just a little bitter.
*Walter: A lifetime achievement award for slappy the slap-happy squirrel? Why, I taught that no-talent everything she knows! The injustice of it all!
*Sid: Look at that photo, Beanie. That's from one of your cartoons-- heigh-ho, Slappy 1938, directed by weed memlo. I hated weed.
*Beanie: Uh, hoh, yeah, that squirrel girl. Once I almost blew her up with a keg of gunpowder. Yeah, but she outfoxed me.
*Sid: She outfoxed all of us Beanie, and she gets a trophy for it.
*Walter: Knock it off with the self-pity. Ve're cartoon villains, so we never get the awards. Stupid dentures. But what's worse, we never once got to clobber Slappy squirrel, until tonight! Tonight, we'll give her our own special award-- "The whammy!"
*Beanie: duh, oh, right!
(Everybody laughs and coughs)
*Mary: Hi, Mary Hartless here at the hotel bombadenture, where tonight, the farm fresh friars club is honoring that octogenarian actress extraordinaire, Slappy the slap-happy squirrel. And here comes her stretch limo now.
*Skippy: Another strike, aunt Slappy.
*Slappy: Look at this, "The bowling in the limo" gag. We're stretching for the comedy here, folks.
(cheering, coughing)
*Walter: There she is, Beanie. Go get her.
*Beanie: Who?
*Walter: The squirrel, you bloopy bison.
*Beanie: Duh, oh, right. Miss squirrel, would you please sign my autograph book?
*Slappy: Oh yeah, please. Let me postpone the rest of my life to sign your pathetic fan-boy book.
*Skippy: Aunt Slappy, he's no fan. That's your enemy. Beanie, the cerebrally-challenged bison.
*Slappy: I knew that drool looked familiar.
*Beanie: Hey, listen mac, your pen's out of ink.
*Beanie: Duh
*Slappy: Hey, no problem, I brought my own.
*Beanie: The pleasure's been all yours, I'm sure.
*Slappy: Gee, thanks!
*Walter: Beanie, what happened?
*Beanie: My pen ran outta ink. (explodes) But she signed my autograph book anyway. (explodes) And she gave me this lovely souvenir pen (rockets into the sky, fireworks).
*Sid: Beanie screwed up again.
*Walter: Are we surprised?
*Walter and Sid: No.
*Slappy: Almost forgot my pen. You remind me of a very young Betty Boop.
*Beanie: Duh, oh.
(Animaniacs jump across tables)
*Slappy: Lousy, bahooey banquet chicken tastes like rubber. How's yours, skippy?
*Skippy: Fun! (plays badminton with chicken)
*Slappy: Waiter, you got anything on the menu that's not manufactured by voit?
*Crowd: Ooh! Ooh! Aah!
*Slappy: Oh, not the dynamite-in-the-cake bit again. Who'd sink so low?
*Skippy: Look, aunt Slappy, it's your fishiest foe, Sid the squid.
*Slappy: Sid, you've pulled some pitiful stunts, but this one takes the cake.
*Sid: What do you mean, slappy?
*Slappy: Do you honestly think I could fall for something so obvious?
*Sid: Well...
*Slappy: Of course not. Why not try and come up with something original?
*Sid: Like what?
*Slappy: Let me think. Oh, How about this? First, you grab these sticks of dynamite,
*Sid: Yeah,
*Slappy: Then you go spinning around, see.
*Sid: Then what?
*Slappy: You go faster and faster till you lift off the ground, and you go zooming like a flying saucer till-
(boom)
*Slappy: Nah, come to think of it, that gag's been done to death. Hey, waiter, I'll have the fried calamari.
*Sid: I despise you.
*Slappy: It's a bit underdone.
*Sid: But they say sushi's good for you.
*Slappy: What a yutz. (applause)
*Walter: Stupid squid. Well, as always, it's up to me. Leave it to Walter wolf to do the job. Fine. Great. Good. Fine. O. K. Hey! Swell. (adds bombs to award) I'll handle it, no problems. Heh heh. It's a handled deal. Don't worry. It's finished, kaputski, yah huh.
*Announcer: And now, ladies and gentlemen, to present tonight's award to Slappy squirrel, our master of ceremonies!
*Walter: My friends, Slappy squirrel's madcap cartoons have been making us laugh since Hoover was presiden and a three-story house sold for $9.
*Slappy: I'm going into a coma. Uh-oh Too late. I'm in a coma.
*Walter: And so, on behalf of the farm fresh friar's club, I present Slappy squirrel with the coveted whole friar award.
*Skippy: Aunt Slappy, that's no friar. It's your archest enemy of all, Walter wolf.
*Slappy: Thank you, mr. Exposition.
*Walter: Congratulations, slappy squirrel. You deserve this.
*Slappy: With all the comedy I've done over the years, where would I have been without good villains?
*Walter: Come on! Blow up! What in blazes is wrong with this confounded thing?
*Slappy: Villains like Walter wolf, Sid the squid, and Beanie the bison. You boys deserve this year award more than I do.
*Walter: Ladies and gentlemen of the academy. This has to be the high point of our careers.
*Slappy: Not quite, but you're getting there.
(boom, Sid, Walter and Beanie fly high in the air)
*Mary Hartless: Slappy squirrel, you've just won the lifetime achievement award. What are you going to do now?
*Slappy: I'm going to... bed.
(Mary gets squashed by Beanie)
*Slappy: Now that's, comedy.
Wakkorotti[]
*Narrator: And now, performing another classical work, the great Wakkorotti.
(Wakko walks on stage, stops applause, nods to Yakko who starts playing the piano)
*Wakko:
(burp burp, burp burp,
burp burp, burp burp,
burp burp, burp burp,
burp burp, burp BURP
burp burp, burp burp,
burp burp, burp burp,
burp, burp burp,
burp, burp burp,
burp, burp burp, burp, burp burp,
burp, burp, burp, burp
burp, burp burp, burp)
(Dot gives Wakko soda)
*Wakko:
(burp burp, burp burp,
burp burp, burp burp,
burp burp, burp burp,
burp burp, burp burp
burp burp, burp burp,
burp burp, burp burp,
burp, burp burp,
burp, burp burp,
burp, burp burp, burp,
burp, burp burp, BURP)
*Wakko: Excuse, me, oh excuse me. Excuse me, excuse me. (covered by roses)
End[]
(Animaniacs theme instrumental)
*Warner Trio: Goodbye, nurse!