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Theme song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs!

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-

Totally insane-y

Pinky and the Brain-y

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Pinky and The Brain intro[]

(music)

*Pinky: Gee Brain Whaddaya wanna do tonight?

*The Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot (singing):

They're Pinky and The Brain

Yes Pinky and The Brain

One is a genius

The other's insane

They're labratory mice

Their genes have been spliced

*Wakko and Dot:

They're dinky, they're Pinky and

The Brain, brain brain brain

*Yakko:

brain.

Pavlov's Mice[]

(St. Petersburg, Russia, 1904 on screen)

*Narrator: At the dawn of the 20th century, Russian scientist Ivan Pavlov trained animals through his technique of "Conditioned reflex."

*Ivan Pavlov: Time to earn your dinner, my little mousey friends. (gong)

*The Brain (singing and dancing):

I'm a little teapot, short and stout,

This is my handle, this is my spout.

When I get all steamed up, hear me shout,

Tip me over and pour me out.

*Ivan Pavlov: Excellent! Splendid!

*Pinky: Ha ha ha ha ha! Wonderful! Ha ha. Egad, Brain, I could watch you do that dance all day! Ha ha! Narf!

*The Brain: You have watched it all day, Pinky. 61 times, to be exact. It's a conditioned reflex to that infernal gong. I'm powerless to stop it!

*Ivan Pavlov: Next! (ding-a-ling)

*Pinky: (kicks) Narf! (kicks Brain) Narf!

*Ivan Pavlov: Wonderful! Really keen!

*Pinky: Whatcha doing over there?

*The Brain: Contemplating your afterlife, Pinky.

*Ivan Pavlov: Well, good night, my little friends. I hope you dream of cheese.

*The Brain: At last. He's gone. Now we can begin our conquest of the world. Behold my latest creation, Pinky. The vacuum-o-nater! It uses reverse air pressure to vacuum everything toward it. (Vacuums an ink pen) Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

*Pinky: Uh, yeah, brain. But where are we gonna find rubber pants our size?

*The Brain: (Whacks Pinky) No, Pinky. We're going to use the vacuum-o-nater to steal Russia's crown jewels!

*Pinky: Narf! Genius, Brain (turns it on)!

*The Brain: Turn it off, Pinky!

*Pinky: Oh, Right-o! Zort! Ooh! Wild hair-do, Brain! Ha ha! I like it.

*The Brain: (whacks Pinky) Now I feel cleansed.

*Pinky: But, Brain, aren't the crown jewels always guarded by giant cossacks?

*The Brain: Don't worry about the guards. For tonight, Pinky, at precisely 1 a.m., there's a total lunar eclipse. The earth's shadow will completely cover the moon blacking out all of St. Petersburg for a period of 30 seconds. In that brief time, we will sneak past the czar's guards under the cover of darkness and steal the crown jewels, for he who controls the jewels, controls mother Russia.

*Pinky: But, I thought your mother's name was desiree.

*The Brain: Soon, Pinky, I will rule Russia. So from now on, call me Czar.

*Pinky: Right-o, Brain. Eek! Czar Brain.

*The Brain: Come along, Pinky. Conquest awaits. (launch off mouse trap)

(gong)

*The Brain (singing and dancing):

I'm a little teapot, short and stout,

This is my handle, this is my spout.

When I get all steamed up, hear me shout,

Tip me over and pour me out.

*Pinky: Ha, oh that was fun, Czar Brain! But let's give it another go, right. Only this time, with feeling.

(Brain gets really mad and whacks Pinky.)

(Ding-a-ling-ling)

*The Brain: No, Pinky. Not now!

(Too late!)

*Pinky: (kicks) Narf! (kicks Brain and the vacuum off) Narf! (kicks Brain) Narf!

*The Brain: (Tries to hit Pinky, but gets stepped on) That was unpleasant. (They arrived at the palace) There it is, Pinky. The Czar’s winter palace, where the crown jewels await. We're off!

(They went inside the palace.)

*Pinky: We made it inside, Brain.

*The Brain: Czar Brain.

*Pinky: Czar Brain.

*The Brain: Yes, Pinky. There are fleeting moments when I even amaze myself.

*Czar: (laughter) Who else but me, the Czar, would think to have an eclipse party? In a few minutes, it'll be totally dark and scary. Oooooh! But don't anyone touch me. I have cooties.

(all laugh)

*The Brain: Behold the crown jewels of mother Russia, Pinky. World conquest will soon be ours.

*Pinky: Now, Brain?

*The Brain: Not yet. Wait for the total eclipse.

(Eclipse happens. Crowd ooh's)

*The Brain: Complete darkness, Pinky. Start the vacuum-o-nater, now!

(vacuum starts, gong, ding-a-ling)

*The Brain (singing and dancing):

I'm a little teapot, short and stout,

*Pinky:

Narf! (kicks)

*The Brain:

This is my handle, this is my spout.

*Pinky:

Narf! (kicks)

*The Brain:

When I get all steamed up, hear me shout,

*Pinky:

Narf! (kicks Brain into the vacuum)

*The Brain:

Tip me over and pour me out.

*Pinky:

Narf! (kicks, then gets sucked in)

Narf! (kicks vacuum, which flies outside the palace)

*Czar: Thus ends my total eclipse of the moon.

*Pinky: What? The eclipse is over? Narf! What happened, Brain? (gets hit) Zort! I mean, czar Brain.

*The Brain: We failed again, Pinky, but just wait until tomorrow night.

*Pinky: Why? What are we going to do tomorrow night, Brain?

*The Brain: What else? Try to take over the world!

*Singers:

They're dinky, they're Pinky and

The Brain,

*Pinky and the Brain:

Narf!

Chicken Boo intro[]

*Narrator:

Chicken Boo, what's the matter with you?

You don't act like the other chickens do,

You wear a disguise to look like human guys,

But you're not a man,

You're a Chicken Boo.

Chicken Boo-Ryshnikov[]

(Lincoln Center.)

Crowd: Are you decent? What's it like to be the toast of new york? Boo Ryshnikov, rumor has it you defected from your country to join the Nyc ballet. Is it true? Rumor also has it you're a giant chicken. Is that true?

*Preparer: How dare you insult the great Boo-Ryshnikov before his ballet! Away, or I will leap and kick you with my bony toes! (slams door) Ha ha ha ha! You, a giant chicken? ha! Oh, that's a good one. You are the best dancer I have ever seen.

*Boo: (Puts crown on) Buk, buk, buk, buk, buk buk, buk-aah!

(orchestra playing swan lake, Boo dances, spins very fast)

*Audience: (gasps) he's a chicken! A chicken! Aah! Aah! [audience gasps]

*Crowd: It's true! He's a giant chicken! Boo! Boo! Boo! Get out of here!

*Preparer: Please, please control yourselves! I did not know he was poultry!

*Crowd: Cheat! I'm telling the talk shows!

*Boo: (clucking)

*Preparer: You are the worst dancer I have ever seen! (kicks Boo away)

Narrator (singing):

You wear a disguise to look like human guys,

But you're not a man,

You're a Chicken Boo.

Intermission[]

(Warner Trio gets a giant plunge cannon and shoots. Then, the Warner Brothers ride on a platform attached to the rope, allowing the escape of the Warner Trio)

Nothing But the Tooth[]

*Narrator: In 1916, the Russian Empire was ruled by Czar Nicholas ii, the last in line of the great leaders and not so great leaders. But behind the scenes, the evil monk Rasputin was controlling the Czar with hypnotism. Rasputin forced the Czar to do whatever he wanted, even the most vile of acts.

*Czar (singing):

I really like Rasputin,

'Cause I don't realize,

I only like Rasputin

'Cause I am hypnotized

(Rasputin laughs)

*Czar: Why, Rasputin. What are you doing here?

*Rasputin: We were discussing my raise, your highness.

*Czar: We were? I gave you a raise yesterday.

*Rasputin: You want to give me another raise, and, uh, a puppy.

*Czar: Yes. Yes! Why, Rasputin, there you are. I've been looking all over for you. I want to give you another raise and a puppy.

*Rasputin: If you insist, kind czar.

*Narrator: By controlling the Czar, Rasputin had absolute authority over all decisions affecting the Russian government.

*Rasputin: I appoint you secretary of cheese, you, keeper of the lint, and as for you, kiss my puppy.

(He does so, but then gets bitten) Aaahhh!

*Rasputin: He likes you. Now, take him potty. Bye-bye.

la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,

*Politician: why, he's insane.

*Politician: Czar, Rasputin is mad. He's ruining the country. You must fire him.

*Czar: I like him. You have a puppy on your nose.

*Narrator: Yes, it seemed everyone was powerless against Rasputin, until one day,

*Rasputin: No, my tooth, my tooth. Oh, what is taking the royal dentists so long?

(knock on door)

*Rasputin: At last!

*Warner Trio (singing):

If your little toothy's aching,

And you're low on dough,

Use the friendly credit dentist,

Called Dr. Yakko.

*Yakko (spoken): se habla español.

*Rasputin: Ohhh! Please! The pain! You must help me.

*Yakko: Now you just relax. Don't worry about a thing. Wakko, prep the patient.

(Wakko dressed Rasputin in preppy clothes.)

*Rasputin: (gasps)

*Dot: Now, that's preppy!

*Rasputin: Maybe I'll get another dentist.

*Dot: Don't be nervous, kid.

*Wakko: Dr. Yakko's the most gentle dentist in the whole wide world.

*Yakko: It's just the drill that hurts.

*Rasputin: Oh! Are you sure you're real dentists?

*Yakko: To be honest with ya, dentistry's just a hobby. We're actually professional shriners.

(The Warners drive minicars.)

*Rasputin: Ohhhh! Slow down!

*Yakko: Why? Everyone else is Russian around here.

(Wakko does drums)

*Yakko: Ey, I don't write 'em. I just say 'em. Shriners, halt.

(Rasputin gets flown off into a chair)

*Rasputin: Whoa!

*Dot: There. We're ready, Dr. Yakko.

*Yakko: Open. Oh, my.

*Dot: Oh, my, my.

*Wakko: Eww!

*Warner Trio: Oh, the humanity!

*Rasputin: Go away!

*Dot: Rasputin.

*Rasputin: I changed my mind, I'm fine. See, it doesn't hurt at all.

*Dot: I'm sorry, pumpkin, but that tooth has to come out.

*Yakko and Wakko: We're ready.

*Dot: Come on, Mr. Scaredy Monk.

*Rasputin: No, no, really. I feel good, honest. The toothache's all gone. (tooth poked) Ow!

*Yakko: We're gonna have to deaden the pain with a little Anastasia.

(Anastasia whacks Rasputin)

*Dot: Obscure joke. Talk to your parents.

*Yakko: Wakko, my dental instrument, please. (toot) Hmm, flat. Ahh, here we go (puts plier in his mouth). I require the aid of my assistants.

(Warner Trio strains)

*Dot: That tooth is really in there.

*Wakko: Let's try the string.

*Yakko: Old-fashioned, but it just might work.

*Yakko: On the count of 3, pull.

(Warner Trio strains)

*Yakko: uhh... I'd better get the dynamite.

*Rasputin: Dynamite? Aah!

*Yakko: Was it something I said?

*Rasputin: Aah!

*Dot: Wait up, Mr. Monk man!

*Wakko: We just want to help you!

*Czar: I'll have the Czar arrest those dentists and get me another raise. Czar!

*Wakko: There's the string.

*Yakko: Hold on. I'm going in! (Drives closer and grabs the string) I got it! Shriners, halt!

(Warners halt, jerking the fake teeth out of Rasputin. Dog puts on teeth)

*Yakko: It's a few more than I wanted, but I'm pleased.

*Czar: What happened? Rasputin, what are you doing here? The last thing I remember was you asking for a raise. I'm sorry, Rasputin, no raise. That's final.

*Rasputin: Rook infro myre eyes.

*Czar: What?

*Rasputin: I fraid rook infro myre eyes.

*Czar: I don't understand you.

*Rasputin: I fraid rook infro myre eyes!

*Czar: Don't take that tone with me.

*Rasputin: Risten sto myre, you stupid czar.

*Czar: How dare you! You're fired. I'll never understand why I kept you around so long. Get out! (kicks Rasputin out)

*Narrator: No longer capable of hypnotizing the Czar, Rasputin was banished forever, and the Czar was free to rule Russia as he darn well pleased.

*Czar: I can't thank you enough! Whole of Russia owes you a great debt. Goodbye!

*Dot: Bye-bye, Czar!

*Wakko: What a nice man.

*Yakko: I see nothing but good things in his future. Of course, I could be wrong.

*Czar: I will give you bones. Bones, bones.

*Dog: I may be ugly, but I'm smart.

Wheel of Morality[]

*Yakko: It's that time again.

*Wakko: To make bizarre faces?

*Dot: To encourage children to send us candy?

*Yakko: No, it's time to learn the day's lesson. And to find out what it is, we turn to the wheel of morality. Wheel of morality, turn, turn, turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn. Moral number 1. And the moral of today's story is, brush your teeth after every meal. This moral brought to you by the American Dental Association.

*Dot: That makes me feel all kind of warm and squishy. Either that or I need to wear diapers.

(whistle blows)

*Warner Trio: Yie!

(Ralph chases)

End[]

(Warner Trio run back to water tower. Wakko gets a magic carpet out of the back, and go to the top. Ralph tries, but an anvil falls on him)

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Wakko: Lather.

*Dot: Rinse.

*Yakko: Repeat.

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