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Theme song

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs!

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-

Totally insane-y

*Wakko:

Where's Lon Chane-y?

*All:

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Meatballs or Consequences

(Annual Swedish meatball festival. Today only! Meatball eating contest! on signs)

*Crowd: Come on, Sven. You can do it. I bet my Volvo on you.

(crowd cheering)

*Dot: Isn't it great, Wakko? All those times we talked about coming to the Swedish meatball festival, and now we're actually here in Sweden.

*Yakko: Thanks to publisher smearing house. Hey, slopface. That's the last meatball. Swallow it and you're the winner.

*Dot: You've already had 500. One more isn't going to hurt.

*Wakko: Honest, guys, if I eat one more, I'm gonna die.

*Death: Right you are, Wakko Warner. One more meatball and you're officially mine.

(Wakko eats meatball)

(crowd cheering)

*Yakko: That's our little garbage disposal.

*Death: Wakko Warner. Your time has come.

*Crowd: (gasps) Better go. Got to help the wife export some iron ore. (runs)

*Death: I am death, and I hereby declare you to be living impaired. Hence you must go with me to a dark kingdom of no return.

*Wakko: Ok, that sounds fun. When do we leave? Do bears live there? Want some meatball grease?

*Death: Don't do that. It attracts ants. Come. We're wasting eternity.

*Yakko: Hey, mister, are you about to drag our brother off to a bleak, nether realm of despair where the future's an endless sea of anguish and horrible misery?

*Death: Ya.

*Yakko and Dot: We wanna go, too!

*Dot: Though I haven't a thing to wear.

*Yakko: Come on, be a sport.

*Dot: Take us, too.

*Death: Forget it, if you're not on the official list, you can't go.

*Yakko: Oh, Please don' separate us, mr. Death. We love each other. We're a family, a set, like civil war chess pieces from the Franklin mint.

*Death: As you would clearly note in section 5, subsection 9, paragraph 2, first sentence. I quote-

*Dot: I love story time.

*Death: "Only authorized deceased, "Defined as those living impaired "Whose names have been duly recorded "On the official list, "May accompany death "Or a legally designated agent thereunto pertaining," and Wakko Warner is the only Warner listed. You can't go because you're not dead, and you're not dead because you're not on the list. Good day.

*Dot: We want to stay together!

*Death: I'm a bonded carrier. I can't bring unauthorized personnel.

*Yakko: Why?

*Death: Our insurance won't cover you in case of an accident.

*Dot: Why?

*Death: Because we can't afford the insurance premiums.

*Yakko and Dot: Why?

*Death: It's not in the budget.

*Yakko and Dot: Why?

*Death: Listen, you nasty little munchkins. I don't get paid extra for bringing tourists along. So bug off!

*Yakko and Dot: Aah!

*Death: There, I've said it. I feel better.

*Yakko and Dot: But we want to stay together. (crying)

*Death: stop acting like big babies.

*Yakko: We are not big babies.

*Dot: These are big babies.

(crying)

*Death: all right, fine. You win.

*Yakko and Dot: How Spielbergian.

*Yakko: All is strange and vague.

*Dot: Are we dead?

*Yakko: Or is this Ohio?

*Death: You're not dead, but if you must stay with your brother, then appendix 3 contains a clause allowing the carrier, that's me, to play you in a life-or-death game of chess.

*Yakko: Chess is unknown to us. We prefer checkers.

*Death: Checkers it is.

*Dot: Unless you have uncle wiggly or candyland.

*Death: I win, Wakko goes with me. You win, and the three of you stay together forever. Agreed?

*Yakko: We accept.

*Dot: To accept is to yield.

*Yakko: To yield is to allow oncoming traffic the right of way.

*Dot: Your breath is like the breeze of a landfill.

*Yakko: Food particles are wedged between your teeth.

*Death: Could we get started sometime before the next ice age?

*Yakko: Wow! That was neat. Can you change it into virtual reality?

*Death: Eh. feel free to move first. It really doesn't matter. I haven't lost at checkers since time began.

*Yakko: When was that?

*Death: I think it was a Tuesday. Very few people know that. Your move.

*Dot: What's death like, Wakko?

*Wakko: Pretty boring. I've already hummed all the songs I know.

*Death: Ha ha ha ha ha! Crown me. (gets hit with 2 mallets) Why, you miserable little hamsters.

*Yakko: Look! It's Merv Griffin!

*Death: Where?

*Yakko: (moves table around) Oh, sorry. My mistake. It was just a big cloud. Your move. Oh, boy. You're in trouble now.

*Death: What do I do?

*Yakko: If I were you, I'd move there, there, and there.

(Death removes many checkers)

*Dot: Duh! Maybe I'll move here.

*Yakko: (blindfolds Death) Guess who.

*Death: Uh, Crispin Glover?

*Yakko: Nope.

*Death: Kathie Lee Gifford.

*Yakko: No. You're way off.

*Death: That Urkel kid.

*Yakko: Hey, you peeked.

*Dot: We win, but you put up a heck of a fight for a literary personification of the state of nonbeing. I read that in cosmo.

*Death: Ya, I lost. And a deal's a deal, so let's make it official. I said if you won, the three of you would be together forever. Thus, Yakko and Dot Warner, I hereby declare you to be living impaired. You're all dead. Ha ha ha!

*Dot: Does this come off with water?

*Death: I didn't tell you pesky little things about the subclause to appendix 3 that renders all previous clauses and amendments null and void should I lose at checkers.

*Yakko: That means we'll be a like family.

*Wakko: Can we call you dadoo?

*Dot: Hey pop, can we stay up past 10:00?

*Yakko: Can we watch the adult channel?

*Yakko and Wakko: Hello, nurse.

*Death: Don't call me dadoo. And try and maintain the proper attitude of fear and respect due to me by regulations. At least tremble a little.

*Yakko: Oh come, on, lighten up, daddy. Take us for a pony ride.

*Warner Trio: Pony ride! Pony ride! Pony ride!

(Death runs, Warner Trio is on Death)

*Wakko: Yee-ha!

*Dot: Git up!

*Yakko: And a ti-yi-yippee in a bow.

*Death: See here. Stop this at once. Ow! That smarts! (runs through thorns) Ouch! Ooh! For the final time, get off me!

*Warner Trio: Uh-oh.

*Death: There, that's better. Mommy.

(Death falls down)

*Dot: Poppers fall down

*Wakko: and go boom.

*Yakko: He'll need a jumbo band-aid for that one.

*Death: I'll have the linguini with clams.

*Dot: Want some bactine, popperoo?

*Wakko: I love you, dadoo.

*Yakko: And just think, we'll be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever.

*Death: No, wait! I may have acted a bit hastily. Okey-dokey, you win. I hereby rescind my previous proclamation and proclaim you all to be alive, with all rights and privileges until such time as I return, which won't be for a very long time.

(Warner Trio discusses)

*Yakko: Yell, thanks just the same, but we want to go with you, daddy!

*Death: Noo!

*Yakko: Hey, you forgot this, you'll catch your death of cold, so to speak.

(Scene back to Swedish meatball festival area)

*Wakko: Hey, were you guys serious about keeping us all together?

*Dot: There's more to life than just living, Wakko. There's loyalty, courage, and the bonds of love that bind a family together.

*Yakko: Dot's right. It's not death we should fear, but a life poorly lived, for nothing is worse than squandering this most precious gift of our creator. Spielberg eats this stuff up.

Dot's Poetry Corner

*Narrator: And now dot's poetry corner.

*Dot: Ahem. Little miss muffet. Little miss muffet sat on her tuffet, and what a big tuffet she had. If you're feeling insecure, just stand next to her, and then you won't feel quite so bad. Thank you.

(clicking)

*Narrator: This has been another visit to Dot's poetry corner.

A Moving Experience

(jazz music starts)

*Gina (viewing from binoculars): Zoologist Gina Embryo speaking. Good news. I have finally located the world's very last remaining pair of endangered hippopotamus Trendolius. Now I may begin my lifelong dream to study these magnificent beasts, preserve their species from extinction, and record their primitive communication.

*Flavio: Match point! Thank you, bird.

*Bird: Whatever.

(Hippos play tennis, Flavio misses and loses)

*Bird: I hate my life.

*Marita: Game, set, and match, moi. I win! I win! I win!

*Flavio: Kudos for youdos, Marita.

(monkey chattering)

*Flavio: Domo arigato, warhol.

*Gina: This beautiful pair of rare hippopotami Trendolius is heading toward their primitive jungle dwelling.

*Flavio: I, my beautiful self, give thanks for bottled Pellegrino mineral water.

*Marita: Moi, aussi. I would hate to have to resort to drinking river water. Ptooie! Shall we do lunch?

*Flavio: Marita, the expression "Do lunch" is out. Now you say "Meal." "Meal" is a verb now. So, let's meal.

(Both squash monkey)

*Marita: I detest being behind on trendy slang. Boo-hoo-hoo! We're falling behind, Flavio! Not one single trend has started in this jungle. Just look a this neighborhood.

*Tv: Janet Flipps, come on down! [belch]

*Marita: I know. I want to move to, the city.

*Flavio: The city?

*Gina: The city? But-but the city is full of danger. Aaggh! (squeezed by snake)

*Flavio: You are right, my princess. We should be where wannabes are welcome. Let's move to the city. Mmm! (kisses Marita)

*Marita: Flavio, what is it?

*Flavio: Just a little moving surprise your hubby love ordered from the selfish image catalog. Our rickshaw to rapture.

*Marita: Ohh! A chop chop chopper! We're going apartment hunting!

*Gina: Oh! My hippos are leaving the jungle. (Hitches a ride) Ohhhh! Ohhh! Yipe! Oof! (collides with trees)

(Jazz music starts again)

*Marita: Oh, look, Flavio. The world trend center. And there's the guggenhip museum and the banana republican store.

*Gina: Ouch! I must protect my hippos-- oof! From the dangers of the city and return them to the jungle--ow!

*Marita: Darling, what is tha annoying oofing, ouching sound?

*Flavio: They just don't build those whirlybirds like they used to, my love.

*Gina: Whew!

(Hippos get out difficultly)

*Flavio: Careful. We jus had it detailed. Shall we meal first?

*Marita: no, no. Let's go find a realtor.

*Gina: And let me borrow your jacket. (as a house salesman) May I help you?

*Marita: We have done the jungle, and now we are looking for the perfect city dwelling apartment.

*Gina: Sorry, the city's all full. Nothing available, go back where you came from, the jungle. That's where you should live. Goodbye, thank you very much, goodbye, goodbye then.

*Flavio: Please, we'll look at anything.

*Gina: Anything?

*Marita: (honk) Redecorating is no problem. My feng shui master decorator works miracles with fabrics.

*Bird 1: Feng shui?

*Bird 2: Don't ask me.

*Gina: Maybe there is something that will send you running back to the jungle. This building features cold floors, obstructed views, and uncomfortable seating. See? You hate it.

*Marita: I love it! I love retro industrial. (gasp) what a wonderful doorway sculpture.

*Flavio: Uhh!

(Both rub on the poles)

*Marita: And functional, too. Ooh! That feels good.

*Gina: Aah!

*Flavio: Actually, my darling, retro industrial's been done to the gills.

*Martia: Oh, pooh. What else have you got.

*Gina: Ohh. This rustic fixer-upper property features all the amenities of an auto junkyard. So tell me how much you loathe it.

(Shows car scraps)

*Flavio: Au contraire. Fascinating modular construction.

*Marita: What colors! Uh! Ooh! Ooh!

*Gina: Ohh! (smashed by falling cars)

*Marita: Oh, pooh, flavio. I don't think there is room for my pottery wheel.

*Gina: The last available space in the city. Voila. It's an unheated cesspool with poor ventilation, asbestos fumes, and-- (honk honk, gets hit by car) heavy traffic flow. So that's it. You hate the city. Back to the jungle with you.

*Flavio: It's true, fudge muffin. Nothing has been as good as our jungle house.

*Marita: Oh, pooh. It's true! Nothing is as trendy as our old house. Baby wants her jungle house, Flavio.

*Flavio: Then it's yours, my perfect.

*Gina: Ohh, ohh. (Rita and Runt both run over Gina) Now my study may continue in the safety of the jungle.

*Marita: This is the perfect house, Flavio. I feel so at home here.

(monkey)

*Flavio: anchors away.

(Helicopter lifts their house)

*Gina: (gasp) no! Come back! Come back!

*Marita: Over there! That building looks beautiful. And it's geographically correct.

*Flavio: I do so love to see you happy, mon amour. Mmm! Aah! (kisses Marita)

(Gina is crushed by house, which is now on top of an apartment)

*Marita: Home.

*Flavio: Home.

*Gina: Help.

*Flavio and Marita (singing)

The jungle was nice, but way behind the times,

For two endangered hippos with hip and trendy minds,

So they flew their ranch roover to the city's neon glow.

Flavio and Marita, the hip hippos!

End

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Warner Trio: Ciao-a-bunga!

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