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Newsreel of the Stars[]

Narrator: "Newsreel of the Stars", dateline Hollywood 1930. The Warner Brothers studio. Here at the studio's new animation department, the artists toil endlessly to come up with cartoon stars. Ultimately creating three new characters: [The Animator draws a wise-cracking, smart-and-fast-talking, oldest sibling with pants with a black belt, a very sweet-natured, loving, laughable, and positive middle sibling with a backwards baseball cap and a pale turtleneck sweater and a cute and sassy youngest sibling with a skirt with a flower ribbon. Then he gets a red marker and paints them on their noses] the Warner Brothers and their sister Dot.

[They jump out of the paper and Dot sits on The Animator and the wise-cracking kid and the laughable kid jumps on The Nurse].

Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Hello, nurse!

Narrator: Unfortunately, the Warner kids went totally out of control.

[The Trio runs off]

Yakko, Wakko and Dot: [bouncing down the stairs] Boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy!

Narrator: The trio ran amok throughout the studio...until their capture. The Warners' films, which made absolutely no sense, were locked away in the studio vault, never to be released. As for the Warners themselves, they were locked away in the studio water tower, also never to be released. Publicly, the studio has disavowed any knowledge of the Warners' existence to this very day...when the Warners escaped!

Theme song[]

(music)

Yakko, Wakko and Dot: It's time for Animaniacs! And we're zany to the max! So just sit back and relax, you'll laugh till you collapse, we're Animaniacs!

Yakko and Wakko: Come join the Warner Brothers...

Dot: ..and the Warner sister Dot!

Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot! They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught, but we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot!

We're Animaniacs, Dot is cute and Yakko yaks; Wakko packs away the snacks while Bill Clinton plays the sax; we're Animaniacs!

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe, Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse, Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse, The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

All: We're Animaniacs, We have pay-or-play contracts, we're zany to the max, there's baloney in our slacks! We're Animanie, totally insane-y

Dot: Here's the show's name-y

All: Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

De-Zanitized[]

[Cartoon opens up in Hollywood, present day (1993), outside The Psychiatry Building as "Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen" plays in the background. Scene changes to inside psychiatrist's office. A WB studio psychiatrist, is on a Chaise lounge couch]

Dr. Otto von Scratchansniff: I suppose it would be vise to start at ze very beginning, ja?

Unknown Psychiatrist: Proceed.

Dr. Scratchansniff: Uh. I was one of the most successful psychoanalysts in all of Hollywood. [flashback] 50 years ago, I started work at Warner Brothers. Ah, Warner Brothers, home to some of ze biggest stars in Hollywood.

[Humphrey Bogart pulls up to a guard]

Ralph Theodore Guard Ralphonzo Norita: Ah, good morning Mr. Biggest Star in Hollywood.

Mr. Biggest Star in Hollywood: Morning, sweetheart.

[He drives into The Warner Bros. Studio. Porky Pig pulls up to Ralph T. Guard]

Ralph T. Guard: Uh-ah, morning, Porky!

Porky Pig: G-g-g-uh-g-g-g-uh-g-uh-g-g-uh-g-g-uh-m-m-mo-uh-m-uh-m-uh-m-uh-muh-muh-. [Car horn blares] All right!! [to Ralph] Hello.

[He drives into The Warner Bros. Studio]

Dr. Scratchansniff: (narrating) And when the stars had a problem, they came to me. [to Ronald Reagan] So, tell me more about these dreams you've been having, Mr. Reagan.

Ronald Reagan: Well, in my dreams, I'm president of the United States.

[Dr. Scratchansniff writes "Delusions of grandeur, Incurable"]

Dr. Scratchansniff: (narrating) (writes: Delusions of grandeur, Incurable). For years, the biggest actors told me their problems, their secrets, their pain! Ooh, it was so much fun! And then just recently, I had just completed a delightfully intense session with Clint Eastwood. Then...it happened.

Crowd: *screaming* What is that? What's going on up there?

Dr. Scratchansniff: [narrating] It was them...the Varner Brothers! After years of being locked away in the water tower... they managed to escape!

[The Warner Siblings jump down from the water tower. The crowd panics and scatters as The Warner Siblings run to The Psychiatry Building, running up the front in a circle to Dr. Scratchansniff's window]

Princess "Dot" Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bo Besca Warner III: Did you miss us?

Dr. Scratchansniff: I hardly even know you.

Yakko and Wakko: We're the Warner Brothers!

Dot: And the Warner sister!

Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Mmmm! [they all kiss Dr. Scratchansniff]

Dr. Scratchansniff: Eh! Pleh! Pleh! Pleh! Pleh! Bleh! [He turns to walk away from the window, only to get startled by The Warner Siblings in his office] AAH! What do you want?

Yakko Alvin Warner: We asked you first.

Dr. Scratchansniff: Well, I want--no, you didn't.

Dot: Well, we meant to.

Dr. Scratchansniff: Do you know who I am?

Yakko: Dr. Otto Scratchansniff, world-famous psychoanalyst to the stars?

Dr. Scratchansniff: Correct.

Yakko: I won! I won! What did I win!?

Dr. Scratchansniff: Nothing.

Yakko: Say, what kind of game show is this?

Dr. Scratchansniff: This isn't a game show.

Yakko: I'll say it isn't. Nobody wins anything. You'll be lucky to be on the air for one week!

Dr. Scratchansniff: *screaming* Nurse! Nurse!

[Hello Nurse comes in]

Hello Nurse: Yes, Dr. Scratchansniff?

Dr. Scratchansniff: [offscreen as Yakko and Wakko's hearts bulge out, pumping, while their eyes turn into black hearts] Get those kids out of here!

Yakko and Wakko: Helloooo Nurse!

[A red heart space forms around Hello Nurse's head. Yakko thinks of horse back riding with Hello Nurse]

Yakko: Hah...

[Wakko thinks of driving a convertible with Hello Nurse]

Wakko Warner: Huuh...

[Dot thinks of boating with Dr. Scratchansniff]

Dot: Diiiisgusting!

Hello Nurse: Why don't you cute little kids follow me? (Yakko and Wakko float towards Hello Nurse while Dot walks out the room)

Dr. Scratchansniff: (narrating) After the Warner Brothers escaped, I was called to see the chairman of the board of the Warner Brothers studio.

[Dr. Scratchansniff enters the office. He sits at one end of the long table while a short, stout man sits at the other end. The man pushes a button, closing the curtains]

Thaddeus Plotz: [screaming] The Warner Brothers are wreaking havoc throughout the studio, Scratchansniff! And I won't have it! [walking on the table up to a nervous Dr. Scratchansniff] In order for a studio to run efficiently, there must be order, calmness, control. The Warner Brothers have taken the calmness and replaced it with chaos. They're too zany, Scratchansniff! I haven't been this upset since we made "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead". And I have chosen you to get the Warner Brothers under control.

Dr. Scratchansniff: Why me?

Thaddeus Plotz: Because you're a psychiatrist, dummy.

[scene change]

Dr. Scratchansniff: Oh... Und zo, I scheduled an appointment with the Warner Brothers. I'll never forget our first session...

Hello Nurse: The Warner Brothers are here for their 3:00 appointment. [Warners zoom inside the room] You be good little boys.

Yakko and Wakko: Mmm. [Yakko and Wakko's tounges touch the ground; Dot walks over them and yanks both tounges, and lets go, causing the tounges to retract back inside their mouths.]

Dot: Boys.

Yakko: How you doing, Scratchy?

Dr. Scratchansniff: I take umbrage at that.

Yakko: Oh sure. Take all the umbrage. Don't leave any for us.

Dr. Scratchansniff: No, I mean I take offence.

Yakko: And you want our fence, too? [pulls out fence] All right, take it, but that's all, we're tapped out.

Dr. Scratchansniff: I think it's time we got down to business, ja?

Yakko: [Warners begin dancing in business suits] No-our first quater figures are really low as this-a business-a graph will hopefully show.

Dr. Scratchansniff: What are you doing?

Yakko: We're getting down... to business.

Dr. Scratchansniff: You always make ze jokes. Zis is not good. No more jokes, ja...

Yakko, Wakko and Dot: (violin noises while nodding)

Dr. Scratchansniff: Yah. Good, now, plant yourselves on ze couch there.

Yakko, Wakko and Dot: [turn into plant seeds and zoom towards the couch, planting themselves and rapidly growing into flowers] (more violin noises)

Dr. Scratchansniff: I said, no more jokes!

Yakko: This isn't a joke, it's a visual gag.

Dr. Scratchansniff: Well, no more jokes, gags, or monkey stuff.

Yakko: Define monkey stuff.

Dr. Scratchansniff: Yeah, The monkey stuff! The monkey stuff! You know, you walks around like a silly monkey. [physically imitates monkey] Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! And you be all goofy like a monkey. That is the monkey stuff.

Wakko: Maybe you should see a p-sy-chiatrist.

Dr. Scratchansniff: I am a p-sych-... uh. I mean a psychiatrist. Euh!

Yakko, Wakko and Dot: (old movie noises)

[While he paces back and forth, The Warner Siblings follow him, copying him, walking like Ancient Egyptians, and as a British tourist group]

Dr. Scratchansniff: Ah... I know vhat you kids vant, ja! You want to talk to Mr. Puppethead! [pulls out a hand puppet resembling him]

Yakko, Wakko and Dot: (xylophone noises)

Dr. Scratchansniff: "Hello kids, I'm Mr. Puppethead! Tell me why you always make the jokes. [The Warners look at the puppet awkwardly] Why aren't you talking with Mr. Puppethead? No no, it iz very easy; watch me, watch me. Hello, Mr. Puppethead, how are you?

"Mr. Puppethead": I am fine, Dr. Scratchansniff. How are you?

Dr. Scratchansniff: I am fine, Mr. Puppethead. Did you have a yummy breakfast?

"Mr Puppethead": Oh yes, yes! Very yummy, thank you. How was your breakfast?"

Dr. Scratchansniff: My breakfast vas yummy as vell. [to the Warner siblings] Now you see? Isn't that easy?

Yakko: Uhmm... are you sure you don't want to see a p-sychiatrist?

Dr. Scratchansniff: I am a p-sychi- I mean psychiatrist! (tearing at his hair with the puppet) I am! I am! I am! I am!

Yakko: Mr. Puppethead's hungry.

Dr. Scratchansniff: [narrating, as he is reading "Understanding Children"as "Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen" plays in the background again] After much research, I decided to meet with each warner brother individually, I would starting with ze warner brothers' sister, Dot.

Dr. Scratchansniff: Dot... may I call you "Dot"?

Dot: Yeah. But call me "Dottie", and ya die.

Dr. Scratchansniff: *chuckle* Dot it is. I'm going to show you some pictures and I want you to tell me what they look like. [shows Dot an inkblot] What do you say to this?

Dot: I'd say you're not a very good artist.

Dr. Scratchansniff: I didn't draw that.

Dot: Well, whoever did needs to go back to school.

Dr. Scratchansniff: No, it's an inkblot.

Dot: I'll say.

Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no, no. It's not zupposed to look like anything!

Dot: Then you did a very good job.

Dr. Scratchansniff: *screaming* I didn't draw it! *calms down* Doesn't it looks like a little kitty cat or a butterfly or something?

Dot: No. [grabs inkblot and transforms it into a butterfly] That's a butterfly. [Dot chases the butterfly with a net and catches both the butterfly and Dr. Scratchansniff's head. Scene changes to Scratchansniff and Wakko].

Dr. Scratchansniff: Now then, Wakko, let's you and I talk, hmm?

Wakko: Okay.

Dr. Scratchansniff: Good. What's on your mind?

Wakko: My hat.

Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no, no. Your hat is on your head. What is on your mind?

Wakko: My... skin?

Dr. Scratchansniff: No, that's on your head. What's on your mind?

Wakko: Oh, I got it! My hair!

Dr. Scratchansniff: Your hair is on your head! This is hair! This is hair! (tears off some of his hair) It is not on my mind, it is on my head!

Wakko: No, it's in your hand.

Dr. Scratchansniff: [shakes in anger before exhaling] Let's try something different, ok?

Wakko: Okay.

Dr. Scratchansniff: Why don't you just tell me what you're feeling?

Wakko: My shirt.

Dr. Scratchansniff: No. That's what you are touching. What are you feeling?

Wakko: My nose?

Dr. Scratchansniff: Zat's what you are touching! *screaming* What are you feeling? (duck noises). *normal voice* Just tell me how you feel.

Wakko: I feel fine!

Dr. Scratchansniff: Good! Now we are getting somewhere. Um, would you care to expand on zat?

Wakko: Okay. [inhales and inflates his body like a balloon]

Dr. Scratchansniff: Oh, no no no -s, no no no, not that type of expanding, would ya- stop it!

Wakko: [Pops himself, fart noise as he deflates] 'Scuse me. Mmmm... [kisses Scratchansniff] ..uh!

Dr. Scratchansniff: TGGGGGRRUHH! [tears off more of his hair, leaving the left side of his head bald; change scene, same area]

Dr. Scratchansniff: Now then, Yakko, let us do a little word association, hmm? I'll say a word, and you say any word that you think of; any word that comes to mind.

Yakko: Brain.

Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no. We haven't started.

Yakko: Begun.

Dr. Scratchansniff: No, wait.

Yakko: Yield.

Dr. Scratchansniff: No, stop!

Yakko: Cease.

Dr. Scratchansniff: *screaming* Silence!

Yakko: Quiet.

Dr. Scratchansniff: *screaming* Enough!!

Yakko: Plenty.

Dr. Scratchansniff: Would...you...please...listen?

Yakko: Hear.

Dr. Scratchansniff: *angry voice* No, you stupid kid! You don't understand!

Yakko: Comprehend.

Dr. Scratchansniff: [screams in frustration and carries Yakko to the door] Get out, get out, get out!

Yakko: Leave, leave, leave.

Dr. Scratchansniff: [kicks him out and slams the door, huffing and puffing] Huh, huh, those kids is driving me crazy!!

Yakko: Insane. Unhinged. Demented.

Dr. Scratchansniff: TGGGGGRRUHH! [sobs heavily as he has no facial hair left. camera zooms out, end of flashback]

Dr. Scratchansniff: And zis is how it's been. Zey's always driving me kooky in the kopf. And they're still not de-zanitized. Am I crazy, doctor? *shocked* Huuuh?!?

Yakko: You are suffering from acute warneritis.

Dr. Scratchansniff: AAAAAAAAH! (violin rise, tremolo between two notes) [Dr. Scratchansniff blasts off into space]

Yakko: Was it something I said?

The Monkey Song[]

(music)

*Squit: (Recorder noises, pokes Pesto in eye while still playing)

*Pesto: That's it! (fight starts) Hey, watch where you put-

*Squit: Hey! (complains during the fight)

*Pesto: -that sissy flute! You wanna play the flute? I got your flute! There! Here's your flute!

(Trumpet noises)

*Hippos: (Play marimba)

*Squit: (More recorder noises)

*Pesto: I thought I told you to stop with that fluting, huh. Take that! Get out of my face!

*Squit: OW! Just come on! Come on, I ain't come on, I ain't (incomprehensible) with my beak! (mixed with Pesto's dialogue).

*Dr. Scratchansniff:

One Monday mornin', I got up late and there were these monkeys outside ze gate.

The guard tried to stop them but he had no luck. The monkeys got free and they run amok.

I dunno what to say, the monkeys won't do.

*Yakko, Wakko, and Dot:

Dunno know what to say, the monkeys won't do.

*Dr. Scratchansniff:

I dunno what to say, the monkeys won't do.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Dunno know what to say, the monkeys won't do.

*Dr. Scratchansniff:

My office was run by the studio nurse. I came downstairs and what could be worse?

The monkeys was doing a crazy dance. They put buggies in my underpants.

I dunno what to say, the monkeys won't do.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Dunno know what to say, the monkeys won't do.

*Dr. Scratchasniff:

Monkeys dance, then I dance, too.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Dunno know what to say, the monkeys won't do.

*Dr. Scratchansniff:

I ran outside to get a stick, But I'm telling you, friends, those monkeys was quick,

'Cause when I returned, much to my disgrace,

Those monkeys had the nurse in a mad embrace!

*Hello Nurse:

I dunno what to say, the monkeys won't do.

*Yakko:

For a nickel, I'll give you a clue.

*Dot:

I didn't know your eyes were blue.

*Dr. Scratchansniff:

I dunno what to say, the monkeys won't do.

*Squit: (Recorder noises start again)

*Marita Hippo: Yessir, woo!!

*Flavio Hippo: Aw, play dat thing!

[Squit's flute turns around, The Mime. When Dr. Scratchansniff, Hello Nurse and the Warners run past him as he juggles for a brown squirrel sitting on a yellow chair, yawning. an orange tree falls on his head. A grey old squirrel wearing a green hat with a flower on top grabs the brown squirrel out of the chair. Dr. Scratchansniff hides on a pink wall, while the Nurse has been chased by the Warners and he flees. A tall, anthropomorphic, bucktoothed, blue-eyed white-furred mouse and a short, anthropomorphic, pink-eyed white-furred mouse carrying a mouse trap with a piece of cheese. Dr. Scratchansniff runs to the apartment and Squit plays his flute. When Dr. Scratchansniff runs into his apartment, Buttons, an adult male German Shepherd dog and a very small girl with short-cut platinum blonde hair in lilac overall shorts with a white short-sleeved shirt underneath, white socks and black mary jane shoes, float by on some colorful balloons.]

*Squit: (Recorder noises stop)

*Dr. Scratchansniff:

I went to me bath for a shower and shave. Them monkeys going to put me into my grave!

The entire bathroom was laid to waste and they shaved my head with minty toothpaste!

I dunno know what to say, the monkeys won't do.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Dunno know what to say, the monkeys won't do.

*Dr. Scratchansniff:

They's crazy nutso! I'm tellin' you!

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Dunno know what to say, the monkeys won't do.

*Dr. Scratchasniff:

Well, by this time, I was feelin' dread. They was using a shoebrush to shine me head.

I asked them to leave, but they stayed around. They pulled the chain, and, YEE, I went down!

I dunno what to say, the monkeys won't do.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Dunno know what to say, the monkeys won't do.

*Dr. Scratchasniff:

Call my lawyer! I'm ready to sue!

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Dunno know what to say, the monkeys won't do.

*Dr. Scratchasniff: Aaah!

*Squit: (Recorder noises start)

*Marita Hippo: Yessir, brother!

*Squit: (Pokes Pesto in the eye)

*Pesto: Hey! That's it!

*Squit: OW!

*Pesto: What do you think you're busting with that thing? (incomprehensible)

*Squit: Those are my tail feathers, I need those!

*Slappy Squirrel: (Blowdart noises) (balloon pops, Buttons slams into mime)

*The Brain: (Failed plan noises)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: (play maracas), (orchestral noises)

(instrumental break and chase sequence)

*Dr. Scratchansniff:

Well, me patience ran out and I'm telling you sure, tomorrow, I show those monkeys the door!

And if they don't leave, I'm inviting you to my house for dumplings and monkey stew!

I don't know what to say, the monkeys won't do.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Dunno know what to say, the monkeys won't do.

*Dr. Scratchasniff:

Now I'm in the stew, oh pooh.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Dunno know what to say, the monkeys won't do.

*Dr. Scratchansniff:

Watch out for monkeys, I'm telling you!

*The Hip Hippos, Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Don't know what to say, the monkeys won't do.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

We're not monkeys, we're just cuckoo!

*All:

Dunno what to say! The Warners won't do!

Nighty-Night Toon[]

*Narrator: Nighty-Night Toon. Inside the water tower room, there was a log flume. And a picture of a big baboon.

*Ralph T. Guard: Hi

*Narrator: And three little toons, acting like goons.

*Yakko: I'm Yakko.

*Wakko: I'm Wakko.

*Dot: And I'm cute.

*Narrator: A dog and a cat.

*Runt: Cat? Where's a cat?

*Narrator: And a big headed rat.

*The Brain: I'm a mouse, not a rat.

*Narrator: And two hippos, who are incredibly, fat.

*Marita Hippo: Flavio, are we actually fat?

*Flavio Hippo: No my delectable, we are simply bigger than life itself. Mmmm-uh (kisses Marita)

*Narrator: And in this room, and in this verse, are doctor Scratchansniff and,

*Yakko and Wakko: Helloooo Nurse!

*Dr Scratchansniff and Hello Nurse: (catch each other in nets).

*Narrator: And three goodfeathers, who

*Squit: Stick together.

*Pesto: What do you mean by that? You think I'm sticky. You saying I'm some kinda gooey sticky bun here for your breakfast enjoyment? Is that what you're saying?

*Squit: No, I'm just saying-

*Pesto: That's it! Here's your sticky buns, I got your sticky buns right here, ey!

*Squit: Come on. Come on, knock it off! (ends at the same time as previous line)

*Narrator: And Mindy and Buttons are snuggled in bed. Along with a fella, named mr. Skullhead.

*Buttons: (Panic noises)

*Narrator: And an old squirrel lady in cap and night-gown. Sits in her rocker and says,

*Slappy: Hey pal, pipe down!

*Narrator: Oh, uh, right. Uh, well then. Nighty-night room,

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: (xylophone noises)

*Narrator: nighty-night toons, nighty-night log flume,

*Ralph T. Guard: Aaah!

*Narrator: with the big baboon. Nighty-night dog, nighty-night cat.

*Runt: I do smell a cat, but where's it at? That rhymes, that that definitely rhymes.

*Narrator: Nighty-night hippos,

*Marita Hippo: We're big boned, not fat.

*Narrator: Nighty-night big-headed laboratory rat.

*The Brain: I am not a rat. I'm a mouse, (Kaboom!) oh drat.

*Pinky: Oh, that rhymes too, Brain. Uuhm.

*Narrator: Nighty-night doctor, and

*Yakko and Wakko: Good niiiiight, nurse

*Narrator: Nighty-night pigeons who constantly curse

*Pesto: (Buster bajou?). (Baddachini?) afraid of? I got your sticky buns, here's your sticky buns.

*Squit: Come on, what did I do, what did I do, knock it off. (same time as previous line)

*Narrator: Nighty-night Buttons under the bed, along with his friend, mr. Skullhead.

*Buttons: (More panic noises)

*Narrator: Nighty-night squirrel lady in night-gown and cap.

*Slappy: For crying out loud, would ya button your yap?

*Narrator: Nighty-night water tower, nighty-night lot, nighty-night Yakko, Wakko and Dot. Nighty-night people everywhere.

*Yakko: And nighty-night Wakko's underwear!

End[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Goodbye, nurse.

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