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Newsreel of the stars[]

*Narrator: "Newsreel of the Stars," dateline Hollywood 1930. The Warner Brothers studio. Here at the studio's new animation department, the artists toil endlessly to come up with cartoon stars. Ultimately creating three new characters: the Warner Brothers and their sister Dot.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Hello, nurse!

*Narrator: Unfortunately, the Warner kids went totally out of control.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy!

*Narrator: The trio ran amok throughout the studio...until their capture. The Warners' films, which made absolutely no sense, were locked away in the studio vault, never to be released. As for the Warners themselves, they were locked away in the studio water tower, also never to be released. Publicly, the studio has disavowed any knowledge of the Warners' existence to this very day...when the Warners escaped!

Theme song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script,

Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-

Totally insane-y

Here's the show's name-y

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Guadrin' the Garden[]

*Narrator: In the beginning, God created the heavens, and earth. And the Lord created the garden of Eden.

(Warner Trio runs from Ralph)

*Narrator: And there, he put Adam, and Eve. And the Lord said,

*God: Eat, eat, eat all the fruit in this garden, but...

*Adam and Eve: But?

*God: Don't eat the apples, for they grow from the Tree of Knowledge, and thou shalt not eat them.

*Narrator: Now, in the garden of Eden, there lived a wily old serpent. He was a snake, all right, pure and evil.

*Snake: You make it sound like a bad thing.

*Narrator: And this sneaky serpent took it upon himself to tempt Adam and Eve into eating the forbidden apple.

*Slappy: So for extra insurance, Mr. Big put me in charge of guarding the apples.

(Slappy pulls the snake, which caused it to fall near Slappy. Slappy ties a rock on the snake and flings it to a nearby tree.)

*Narrator: So stay tuned, for the garden of Eden's funniest home videos!

*Slappy: This'll be a blast. (door slams)

(Adam and Eve are looking at a bird and then, they walk away. Adam tossed the branch aside.)

*Snake: This will be as easy as taking candy from a baby.

*Slappy: I don't think so, pal!

(Snap! There was a mouse trap on the snake.)

*Snake: A very bitter, mean baby. (Falls)

*Slappy: Ahh, that snake doesn't have a leg to stand on. Hey, it's the dawn of time. What do you expect-- new jokes? (Goes back inside)

(Snake propels like a spring to get the apple. Slappy puts a mallet out, which collides with the Snake, 3 times)

*Slappy: I don't have all day. Fore! (Hits him away with a golf club) Eat your heart out, fuzzy zoeller.

*Duck: Look, daddy, a snake. (Whacks him down the hole) Snakie go down the hole.

(Snake shoots arrow, shoots himself, but Slappy puts pan in the way)

*Slappy: You remind me of a very young Scrappy Doo.

(Snake brings cannon)

*Snake: At last, divine inspiration.

(Knocks on door)

*Slappy: The back door. Gee, I wonder who that might be. (Opens the door, sees the snake) This is sad.

*Snake: I came to say I'm sorry. I want to make up.

*Slappy: Whatever.

(knock knock)

*Slappy: Shoot me! Pardon. There seems to be someone at my front door.

(knock knock)

*Slappy: I'm coming. I'm coming. Oh, thanks there. Just the mailman.

(telephone rings)

*Slappy: Hello! Hey, mr. Snake, it's for you.

*Snake: Oh, golly, gosh! Who knew I was at this address? Hello?!

(Small cannon shoots Snake, cannon ball comes)

*Snake: Colonel mustard did it in the kitchen.

(Cannon shoots Snake)

*Snake: Or was it miss Scarlet?

(Cannon falls on Snake)

*Slappy: I bet that had to sting.

(Cannon shoots Snake)

*Slappy: Bye-bye!

(Apple falls down)

*Eve: Look, Adam, an apple! Ecchh! A worm!

*Snake: Ow! Hey, wait a second. Huh! (Puts out the fuse) Huzzah, I'm spared, saved, safe (kisses ground)! That silly old squirrel isn't squadoo. (explodes)

*Slappy: Now that's comedy. (eats apple)

(The screen irises out on Slappy winking.)

Plane Pals[]

*Bloski: What do you mean, I've been bumped from first class to coach? I'm Ivan Bloski, king of accounting, sultan of finance, crown prince of long columns with tiny numbers!

*Airport girl: We're sorry, mr. Bloski It was a computer error. We'll refund you the difference.

*Bloski: I'm going to buy this airline just so I can fire you, you pair of eyes, you! Quit faking I and get a job! Gangway, you losers! (Shoves his way into plane) Stewardess, I'm Ivan Bloski, and I demand privacy. Have everyone in coach thrown off this plane.

*Hello Nurse: Oh, but sir, we can't do that.

*Bloski: Then escort me to my seat at once. Out of my way! Step aside! Get a life, you losers! (throws person off plane) I'll need a pillow, a blanket, and 15 bags of honey-roasted peanuts. Pronto! Ahh. Now for a relaxing flight.

*Wakko: Boingy boingy boingy boingy! boingy boingy boingy boingy!

*Dot: (imitating airplane)

*Yakko: (imitating machine gun) Hi, mister. This is our first trip on a plane. We're gonna be your seat mates for the next 17 hours.

*Dot: Want some of my mayonnaise muffin?

*Bloski: Ech! No! Go away, you horrible child.

*Wakko: How's abouts a kiss? (kisses Bloski)

*Bloski: Echh.

*Other planes: Move it! Where'd you learn to fly? (horns honking)

*Video: welcome to air Pacific, the jolly airline. Our deluxe 757 is equipped with a number of safety features to use in case of emergency, such as our fuel tanks explode and we crash like a fiery ball into the sea.

*Yakko: Neato!

*Dot: Cool!

*Wakko: Faboo!

*Video: Please note the air discomfort bags in your seat front.

*Wakko: Hey, mister, what's this?

*Bloski: A vomit bag.

*Wakko: Oh, poo! I got gypped. There's none in here.

*Video: You'll find life jackets under your seats. In a water landing, they'll keep you afloat, unless you're seized by a giant squid and dragged screaming beneath the waves.

*Dot: This really isn't my color. I'm a winter. Hee hee. Ok, everyone, life jacket test!

*Warner Trio: (Inflate life jackets until they explode, Bloski goes flying) Shh. Shh... Do you know what that means?

*Yakko: You have a slow leak?

(corns honking)

*Video: Should cabin pressure suddenly drop, say, from a cargo hatch blowing out into thin air, oxygen masks will drop down.

(Wakko uses a blowdart to open the hatches)

*Bloski: Don't play with my mask.

*Yakko: Oh, you got dibs? No problem. It's all yours. (It sucks)

(Bloski has a small face)

*Video: And please, make sure your seat belts are securely fastened.

*Yakko: There. All ready for takeoff.

*Bloski: Leave me alone!

*Video: Thank you for choosing air Pacific. You have well over a 40% chance of landing safely. Enjoy your flight.

(Warner Trio's cheeks fall flaccid)

*Bloski: And stop making, those stupid faces!

*Yakko What kind of faces are we supposed to make?

*Bloski: Quiet faces. Just sit there like mute little children.

(Yakko and Dot turn into sand)

*Wakko: Hey, mister, what's this?

*Bloski: That's for eating.

*Wakko: (gulp, eats table) delicious! (burp)

*Bloski: ecch.

(telephone rings)

*Bloski: Bloski here.

*Dot: I've got the most dreamy news. Rod just asked Patti to go steady. Yaaaoww!

*Bloski: This is absurd! You little goons have been bothering me ever since I sat down. Do you know who I am?

*Yakko: No. Do you know who I am?

*Bloski: No.

*Yakko: Then, we're even.

*Dot: All we know is that we like you. We have no taste, but we like you.

*Yakko: And therefore, on behalf of the Warner Bros and the Warner Sister, I want to make you our special friend.

(All kiss Bloski. Dot puts a pink medal shaped like a cartoon heart saying "special friend")

*Bloski: Stewardess! Get over here now!

*Hello Nurse: May I help you?

*Yakko and Wakko: Hello, nurse!

*Yakko: Want to be our bunky?

*Dot: Men! Go fig!

*Bloski: These children are annoying me. Throw them into your aircraft's jail.

*Yakko: Only if she goes, too. (hugs Hello Nurse)

*Hello nurse: Oh, sir, there's no jail on this aircraft.

*Bloski: Then build one, or move me away from these monsters immediately.

*Yakko: You mean, you don't want to be our special friend?

*Bloski: No!

*Yakko: Now you've gone and hurt our feelings.

*Warner Trio: (all cry and howl)

*Bloski: I demand another seat!

*Hello Nurse: Oh, but sir, there aren't any. We're full.

*Bloski: Then I'll make one. As for you three, I wish I did your taxes. I'd screw them up so bad the IRS would bury you. I'd rather be eaten by cannibals than be your special friend. Now goodbye, you worthless little morons!

*Warner Trio: (all cry, but then go crazy, and laugh)

*Bloski: (leaves) You're wanted outside.

*Flier: Oh, thanks!

*Bloski: Ahh... Relaxation at last. (sniffing) huh?

*Yakko: How's it going, buckaroo?

*Yakko: I'm Grover Broke from Lynx Head County, Tennessee, fertilizer salesman.

*Bloski: Bloski, accounting.

*Yakko: What a coinkydink. You know, folks say there's no accountin' for me. Hee hee he he! You get it? Boy, that's a kicker, ain't it? Anyways, way I sees it, a man needs a philosophy in life.

*Bloski: Look, I just want to rest.

*Yakko: Here's my philosophy. (retching, spits) There's two kinds of fertilizer in this life, friend. You got your solid cow dung. And then, there's your sloppy pig doo. Now, with your cow dung-- pardon me, father, but could we change seats?

*Wakko: Certainly, my son.

*Bloski: (sits on whoopee cushion)

*Dot: Coffee, tea, monster? Coffee, tea, monster?

*Bloski: Monster?

*Dot: Coming right up!

*Dot's pet: Grrrr!

*Bloski: Maybe some decaf later. You don' look well, sir. Is there a doctor on this plane?

*Yakko: I'm a paramedic. This man needs nitrogen.

*Dot: You mean oxygen.

*Yakko: All right, how about just some hot air? (fills Bloski with hot air)

*Bloski: Get me down right now!

*Yakko: (Detaches, Bloski flies around) It's a long fly. It's going. Ohh, too bad! It hit the wall!

*Dot: How do you feel now?

*Bloski: I'm in bad shape.

*Dot: Wrong.

*Bloski: This is bad shape.

*Yakko: Hmm, a fine example of neoclassical postmodern expressionism depicting man versus fate. 2 out of 3 falls. 10-round limit.

*Bloski (breathes heavily in anger)

(Wakko knocks on window)

*Yakko: Now, your goose fertilizer is a whole other story. Whoo, doggies, that stuff stinks to high heaven. Care to take a whiff?

*Bloski: Aah! I'm reporting you lunatics to the highest authority! Help! I'm being harassed by children that look like big bugs with clothes. I demand you do something immediately!

*Warner Trio: What do you have in mind?

*Bloski: Ahh! (goes out of the plane) Huh. Better call the office and tell them I'm stranded on a jungle island. I hope they don't count this as a sick day.

*Warner Trio: Ooga chokka. Ooga chokka. Ooga chokka.

*Bloski: Eeeek!

*Yakko: Friends don't let friends disappear over the horizon alone.

*Yakko: Wait!

*Dot: Stick around!

*Wakko: We're gonna to make sloppy Joes and rent Don Knotts videos.

End[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Yakko: Look who's staying with us.

*Wakko: Our special friend.

*Bloski: Aah!!!

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