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Opening Segment[]

*Yakko: Good evening, I'm Yakko Warner. And I welcome you to, disasterpiece theater

(Demolition ball hits library, Yakko holds a book. Yakko steps out of the way of an explosive. Big dinosour comes, breathes fire. Yakko wears fire-safe suit)

*Yakko: Well, that's all for today. And now, an even bigger disaster, a show called Animaniacs.

Theme song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script,

Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-

Totally insane-y

How urbane-y

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Hercule Yakko[]

*Marita: Aah! My diamond! My diamond!

*Flavio: Which one?

*Marita: The magnif-ick-icant acme diamond that I was wearing. I've been rob-bed. (sobbing)

*Flavio: Don't worry, my little dewdrop. We'll find your diamond. For the thief must be on this very ship!

*Marita: Ohh! Not in first class, I hope!

(knocking)

*Flavio: hey have come back for matching earrings!

*Porter: Please, it is I, your porter. I heard a scream, like this-- AAH!

*Flavio: It was my wife. A thief has stolen a diamond from my fragile Marita.

*Marita: I have been rob-bed.

*Porter: You're in luck mademoiselle madame, for onboard this very ship is the greatest detective of all time.

*Marita: You mean

*Detective: Uh, just one more question-

*Porter: No, actually, I mean the great--

*Yakko: Hercule Yakko. May I introduce my assistants? Dr. Wakko and number one sister.

*Warner Trio (singing):

We'll investigate, collaborate,

Red herrings we'll eliminate,

We'll solve this mystery for you,

*Wakko:

Although we haven't got a clue.

*Flavio: Are you an inspector of the yard?

*Yakko: Not if you have a dog.

*Marita: (sobbing) oh! Can you help us, monsieur Yakko? Can you?! Can you?!

*Yakko: Dr. Wakko, give this woman something to calm her down.

*Marita: Aah! Oof.

*Yakko: You can rest assured that I am this close to solving the crime.

*Flavio: But, monsieur, you don't know what the crime is.

*Yakko: Details, details. Number one sister, dust for prints. Dr. Wakko, it could be a long night. Better order some pizzas.

*Wakko: I'd like 42 pizzas, 6 with no crust. (rings)

*Yakko: Now, do you have any enemies?

*Both: no.

*Yakko: Do you have any creditors?

*Both: no.

*Yakko: Well then, do you have any requests? Thank you so much. Way down, jack upon the nile river, jack.

*Dot: I found prince.

*Yakko: No, no, no. Fingerprints.

*Dot: I don't think so. (splash)

*Yakko: Now, tell me exactly what happened.

*Marita: My diamond was stolen!

*Porter: And I heard a scream, like this-- AAH!

*Yakko: I see. Did you get all that?

*Dot: Her diamond was stolen, and then there was a scream like this-- AAH!

*Porter: No, it was more like this-- AAH!

*Yakko: I see. Like this-- AAH!

*Porter: Yes.

*Marita: That's when I realized that I had been rob-bed.

*Yakko: And which one are you, Rob or Ed?

(Knocks on door, Flavio and Marita gasp)

*Yakko: Quick! Everyone, give me your wallets, your money, your valuables. Do you think it's the thief? No, I think it's the pizza.

*Chicken Boo: (squawks)

*Wakko: He was odd.

*Dot: He was strange.

*Porter: He was a chicken, I tell you. A giant chicken!

(Wakko eats all pizza boxes)

*Yakko: We must search for the thief. Bring out the hounds.

(Dogs come out of bag)

*Yakko: Follow this scent. mush! Mush!

(Dogs lead back to where they came from)

*Dot: That was pointless.

*Yakko: It is time to question the other passengers. I'd like you all to wait for me in the stateroom. dr. Wakko, I want you to search the room and put all the clues in this bag.

(Yakko knocks)

*Slappy: What?

*Yakko: I am hercule Yakko, a sleuth.

*Slappy: Yeah? Well, I'm Slappy squirrel, asleep!

(Yakko knocks)

*Yakko: There's been a robbery onboard. Have you seen anything strange?

*Slappy: I saw Wally Gators slam dance with a smurf. That strange enough for you?

*Yakko: Did you hear a scream?

*Slappy: Like this? AAH!

*Yakko: Yes.

*Slappy: No.

*Minerva mink: Who is it?

*Yakko: Good evening. I'm... in love.

(Yakko fails)

*Wakko: I'll handle this. There's been a--gah (tongue goes out)!

*Yakko and Wakko: Hello, nurse!

*Dot: Boys.

*Minerva mink: No control.

*Dot: Anyway, have you seen this diamond?

*Minerva Mink: Ooga! Ooga! (hits herself with thing)

*Dot: It's hard being the strong one.

*Muscular man: Hi, babe.

*Dot: Hello, nurse! (fireworks come out of head)

(Yakko knocks)

*The Brain: Yes?

*Yakko: Did you steal a big diamond?

*The Brain: No. We are Swiss hikers on holiday.

*Pinky: Look at me, Brain, I'm Heidi! Yodel-lay-hee-narf! (whacked by Brain)

*Marita: Monsieur yakko. Any luck?

*Yakko: There's only one person onboard this ship who could've taken that diamond. Unfortunately, I have no idea who that is.

*Marita: (sobbing)

*Yakko: I know the location of the diamond. Assemble all the passengers in the stateroom.

*Crowd: Oof.

*Dot: Heh heh. I see, it's that night at the opera bit. Funny bit. Heh heh heh. Uh.

*Yakko: You're probably all wondering why I called you here.

*All: To reveal the thief?

*Yakko: No, it's because you can't play charades with 3 people.

*Slappy: That's it. I'm going back to bed.

*Minerva Mink: So am I. I didn't take the diamond.

*The Brain: I also am innocent.

*Pinky: Oh, I may have done it. I walk in my sleep, you know. (mallet hits him)

*Yakko: In fact, none of you stole the diamond.

*Flavio: That is outrageous!

*Marita: You fraud! You sham! Calling us liars! (sobbing)

*Flavio: You said you'd get to the bottom of this.

*Yakko: My friends, the diamond is here, and we're gonna turn this room upside down to prove it. Siblings?

(Room goes upside down)

*Yakko: Aha! I found it! Madame, you were sitting on the diamond the whole time! I told you I'd get to the bottom of this.

Rita and Runt intro[]

*Warner Trio (singing):

Like Abbott and Costello,

Like Sonny and Cher,

Like Martin and Lewis,

They're a perfect pair.

Like Laurel and Hardy,

Like Fontanne and Lunt,

They're perfectly mismatched,

They're Rita and Runt.

Home on De-Nile[]

*Rita: Welcome to Palm Springs.

*Runt: Are you sure?

*Rita: Course it's Palm Springs. And if my calculations are correct, Sonny Bono's house is right over that sand dune.

*Runt: How come we're visiting Sonny Bono, Rita? Huh? How come? How come?

*Rita: Because he's rich, and he likes strays.

*Runt: Yep, that's you and me. Definitely a couple of old stray dogs.

*Rita: If you don't tell him, I won't. (Slides down)

*Runt: Whoa! (Rolls down and falls on Rita)

*Rita: I guess those royalties from I got you, babe paid off.

*Soldiers: Charge!

*Rita and Runt: Aah!

*Rita: Sonny, is this really necessary?

*Runt: (growling)

*Soldiers: We're not worthy; we're not worthy.

*Rita: Not bad behavior for humans.

*Advisor: What about this kitty, my queen?

*Cleopatra: No! None of these cats are good enough to accompany us to the harvest festival, feast, and luau. Mark Antony, do something.

*Mark Antony: I should spank you all. (sighs) how about this one, my darling Cleopatra?

*Cleopatra: What a cluck you are! (throws cat) That's the worst cat of all! Ohh.

*Mark Antony: My flower of the desert, my reason for continuing to breathe, there is not a single pussycat in all of egypt that you liked. What can I do?

*Cleopatra: Sing me a wittle songy, hmm? Sing!

*Mark Antony: Who's afraid of Cleopatra, Cleopatra, Cleopatra? Who's afraid of Cleopatra? Tra la la la la la

*Cleopatra: everybody! Ha ha ha!

*Soldier: Your royal highness, this cat was found outside the palace wall.

*Cleopatra" Oh! It is surely a gift from the gods. Mark Antony, take this filthy dog away. He's bothering my wonderful goddess.

*Mark Antony: Come on, boy. You want to work in the hot blistering sun and help build a huge, stone temple to Cleopatra and her new kitty?

(Runt woofs, Rita eats fish)

*Rita: Smelt. My fave.

(Runt gets blocks for labor, causing the blocks to slide back down.)

*Runt: Gee, I hope rita's having this much fun.

*Rita: (purring) Being a goddess ain't half bad.

(singing and dancing)

Oh, you kid

You got it made 'neath the great pyramid

Gotta say I like this lifestyle,

Talkin' 'bout my home on the muddy Nile

Call me greedy, but give me more,

Treat me like queen Nefertiti

Build me a palace fit for Ramses 2

I bet you'd rather be me than you.

Oh, I can't fuss,

No longer on a lonely exodus,

Gotta tell ya that I'm satisfied

All wrapped up in love like I was mummified

All wrapped up in love

Bra doot da doot da doot doo dah

Like I was mummified.

*Runt (spoken): Did you sing a song? I like it when you sing songs.

*Rita: Why me?

*Runt: Living with Sonny Bono sure is good, Rita. You're smart, definitely smart.

*Rita: Uh-huh.

*Runt: So today I had a bunch of these boulders strapped to my back. It was good. Really, really good.

*Rita: Hey! What do you say we relax and go to sleep?

(Both sleep, Runt snores. Brahms's lullaby plays with itself a semitone lower)

*Rita: what are you gonna to do?

(Warner Trio runs from Ralph)

*Runt: I love pretty pictures. Yeah, I do, I--I do.

*Rita: When you're a member of the royal family, you make public appearances. It keeps the rabble in line.

*Cleopatra: Oh, gods of harvest, we offer you a sacrifice to the eternal flame!

(Crowd cheers)

*Runt: Rita sure is a pretty dog.

(crowd cheering)

*Runt: (Sees fire) Uh-oh. (barking, gets Rita and saves her from fire)

*Rita: I heard palm springs was hot, but, ugh, this is ridiculous.

(Runt barking, gets Rita and saves her from fire)

*Rita: 'Scuse me, Runt, what are you doing?

(Crowd jeers)

*Runt: saving your life. Yeah. Definite--definitely saving your life.

*Rita: Uh-huh. Runt, could we get the lead out?

(Runt tosses Rita onto his back as they make their escape.)

*Rita: Ok, so Sonny Bono and his crowd turned out to be a little, well... crackers, but Vegas is around here someplace. We'll make a fortune at the casinos! Hey, after today, I'm feeling mighty lucky.

*Runt: Don't worry, she's a good little dog, deep down inside.

A Midsummer Night's Dream[]

Narrator: And now, the Warner Brothers, in a scene from William Shakespeare's a Midsummer Night's Dream, translated for those viewers who, like Yakko, have no idea what he's saying.

*Yakko: Hmm!

*Dot: Heh heh heh.

*Yakko: If we shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended.

*Dot: If the actors in our show made you mad, it'll be ok if you look at it this way

*Yakko: That you have but slumbered here while these visions did appear.

*Dot: You feel asleep on your butt and dreamed the whole thing.

*Yakko: And this weak and idle theme, no more yielding but a dream.

*Dot: There is a hole in the plot you could drive a truck through.

(Pixies slap Wakko, so Wakko gets a water hose and splashes them.)

*Yakko: Gentles, do not reprehend.

*Dot: Honeys, don't blame us, you could be watching Oprah.

*Yakko: If you pardon, we will mend.

*Dot: But we're sorry, and we promise our next show will be full of funny skits.

*Wakko: Hello, pixie!

*Yakko: And, as I am an honest Puck

*Dot: I'm not touching that one.

*Yakko: If we have unearned luck, now to escape the serpent's tongue.

*Dot: What he said.

*Yakko: We will make amends 'ere long.

*Dot: We'll buy you foot long hot dogs!

*Yakko: Else the puck a liar call, so good night unto you all. Mwah!

*Dot: Good night everybody!

*Yakko: Give me your hands if we be friends.

*Dot: Applaud if you like us.

(Pixie tries to use a fly swat on Wakko, who runs)

*Yakko: And robin shall restore amends.

*Dot: And the boy wonder will save us.

(All drive away in a car)

*Pixie: Oh, what fools these warners be!

End[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Dot: Set three extra places.

*Warner Trio: We're coming over for dinner.

*Yakko: Except I'm allergic to anything with lactose in it.

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