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Dot's Poetry Corner[]

*Narrator: And now, Dot's poetry corner.

*Dot: Ahem. The shoe. There was an old woman who lived in a shoe, and boy, did it stink in there. Thank you.

(Audience clicks)

*Dot: This has been another visit to Dot's poetry corner.

Theme song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script,

Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-

Totally insane-y

Miss Cellan-y

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

You Risk Your Life[]

*Otto: It's time to play...

*Audience: you risk your life!

*Otto: Now, everybody's favorite host, Yakko.

(Audience claps.)

*Yakko: (Cuts through curtain, slams head on floor) Thank you. Oh, Scratchansniff, why don't we bring out our first two contestants.

*Otto: Okay. She's a homemaker from Madison, Wisconsin. He is the world's greatest philosopher. Please welcome mrs. Myra Puntridge und Aristotle.

(applause)

*Yakko: welcome to you risk your life. Say the secret word and Wakko will hit you on the head with a mallet.

*Otto: Today's secret word is "Yes." now, Myra, you're a homemaker, is that right? Oh, correct. What kind of homes do you make?

(Audience laughs)

*Yakko: And, Aristotle, let's see here. It says you are a philosopher, is that correct?

*Aristotle: Yes.

(Dinging, Aristotle gets hit in the head)

*Yakko: Congratulations. You said the secret word. Well, are you both ready to play you risk your life?

*Aristotle: Yes.

(Dinging, Aristotle gets hit in the head)

*Yakko: You said the secret word again. Congratulations. All right, you've chosen the category "Vocabulary." Here's your question. "What word is the opposite of no?"

(Myra and Aristotle whisper)

*Aristotle: Yes.

(Applause)

*Yakko: That's correct!

(Dinging, Aristotle gets hit in the head)

*Yakko: Good night, everybody. See you tomorrow.

*Otto: Mallet furnished by Bashem and Wallop of Beverly Hills. Good night.

Slappy the Squirrel intro[]

*Warner Trio (singing):

The crankiest of creatures in the whole wide world,

Our next cartoon features Slappy the squirrel

*Slappy: E-nough with the singing already.

*Warner Trio: That's slappy!

I Got Yer Can[]

*Slappy: Aah, diet soda. Heh. Gotta watch my figure. Hey, somebody's gotta watch it. (chuckles)

Where are you going, aunt Slappy?

*Slappy: To the store to get some buttermilk.

*Skippy: Spew!

*Slappy: Hey, they make it, somebody's gotta drink it.

(Slappy puts drink in trash can)

*Slappy: eww!

*Candie: Excuse me.

*Slappy: You're excused.

*Candie: Um, would you mind? Probably.

*Slappy: Look, I ain't interested in Amway, lady, all right?

*Candie: Would you mind removing your can from my trash receptacle?

*Slappy: Allen Funt is a dead man.

*Candie: That is my trash can. I'm sure you must have a trash can of your own.

*Slappy: Let me get this straight. You want me to take my soda can out of your trash can, walk all the way back over to my tree, and throw it in my trash can?

*Candie: That's right. Do you have a problem with that?

*Slappy: No, but now you do.

*Candie: Thank you so much. Buh-bye.

*Slappy: You're welcome so much. Buh-bye. If I were a better person, I'd ignore her and go on with my life. But I'm not. (cackles)

(doorbell rings)

*Skippy: hey, miss lady. Would you like to buy some cookies? All the proceeds go to help squirrel scouts to be more like you.

*Candie: Isn't that appropriate. I'll take one box. I love helping out children less perfect than I. (Takes out can, gasps, growls)

(Slappy and Skippy laugh)

*Slappy: Oof (Hit by a can, back of head)! Let the games begin.

(Doorbell rings)

*Slappy: Victoria Sifuentes, attorney at law. My card (shows card). Ipso facto on this date-o your late-us uncle Festoon has passed on and left you this.

*Candie: My, my. Oh, why, thank you. I wonder what it could be. Aha (finds can, teeth break)!

(Slappy and Skippy laugh)

*Slappy: Skippy, in most cases, revenge is not a good thing. Oof! (Hit by a can, back of head) In other cases, it's the only thing.

*Candie: (Opens mail, reads letter) "Dear candie chipmunk, congratulations. "You have been chosen to appear "On the new game show entitled the new game show. Come to the studio right away." Imagine me on a game show. What'll I wear?

(Candie wears corn around her head)

*Host: All right, Candie. You've already won a washer-dryer, a wet bar, a lexus, the love boat, cher's house, and the planet venus.

*Audience: ooh. Aah.

*Host: Do you want to keep your prizes, or trade them for something possibly even bigger behind curtain number 3?

*Yakko and Wakko: Hello, nurse!

*Dot: Boys, go fig.

*Candie: I'll take... the curtain!

(Can is revealed, Candie explodes)

*Skippy: She exploded.

*Slappy: It's a toon thing.

(knocking on door)

*Slappy: Shoot me (opens door, hit with can). Look at that. She ain't recyclin'.

*candie: Hup, two, three, four no can's getting in my door, hup, two, three, four no can's getting in my door

(doorbell rings)

*Nun: Hello. We're taking collections for the homeless.

*Candie: (growls) prepare to eat it, slappy.

*Nuns: (Both scream) oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness!

*Candie: Ha! Gotcha (grenade explodes).

*Candie: She reminds me of a very young Wilma Flintstone. (Writes "All work and no cans make Candie a dull Chipmunk" using a typewriter)

(Bells jingle)

*Santa: Ho, ho, ho! Have I got something for you.

*Slappy: Mmm, a present from santa Slappy? Let me guess. Could it be a can?

*Santa: Being the jolly representation of the holidays isn't what it used to be.

(Santa runs away, Dance of the Reed Flutes plays, at the same time a semitone lower.)

*Candie: (Looks tired) I've been waiting, and waiting, and waiting! I can't take it any longer! Give it to me! Give it to me! Give it to me!

*Skippy: (Drops anvil on Candie)

*Slappy: What about the plot, Hemmingway? What's an anvil got to do with this story?

*Skippy: Who cares? Anvils are funny.

*Slappy: Kids, what the heck can you do? Watch a pro, Skippy. Congratulations, lady. You're a mother.

*Candie: Who knew? (Sees the can) Oh, he looks just like his father.

*Slappy: Now, you and mr. Dumpster have a happy life. Buh-bye.

*Candie: Burp for mommy. Now for that buttermilk.

*Skippy: Spew!

*Slappy: It could be worse. It could be prune juice.

Pinky and The Brain intro[]

(music)

*Pinky: gee, Brain. Whaddaya wanna do tonight?

*The Brain: The same thing we do every night, pinky. Try to take over the world.

*Warner Trio (singing):

They're Pinky and The Brain,

Yes, Pinky and The Brain,

One is a genius.

The other's insane.

They're laboratory mice,

Their genes have been spliced,

*Wakko and Dot:

They're dinky,

They're Pinky and The Brain,

brain, brain, brain,

*Yakko:

Brain

Jockey For Position[]

*Pinky: (Runs atop a globs, pants) Can I stop now, Brain?

*The Brain: Not until I finish my demonstration. When I build my reverse geotropic arrester, Pinky, and throw it from the north pole like this; (grunts and throws a wire, which wraps around) in a matter of seconds, the cable will become taut, gravity will cease, and everyone will fly off the face of the earth

(Pinky flies off, the globe stops)

*The Brain: Leaving us alone to assume control.

*Pinky: E-gad, Brain. Brilliant! (laughs) Oh, wait. No, no. What's going to keep us from flying off the Earth?

*The Brain: We will duct-tape ourselves to a tree. Unfortunately, we still need to raise money to buy a 1 billion-ton magnet. But I have a solution. Tomorrow is the running of the Kentucky derby. Do you know what that is?

*Pinky: Um oh, a very large hat?

*The Brain: Promise me something, Pinky. Never breed.

*Pinky: I'll try.

*The Brain: The Kentucky derby is the biggest horserace of the year. There's a $1,000,000 purse going to the jockey riding the winning horse, and I am going to win that purse!

*Pinky: Zort, Brain, a million-dollar purse? Oh, you're going to need matching pumps and earrings for that.

*The Brain: Focus, Pinky, focus. Now, watch. (Changes into horse rider outfit) Voilà!

*Pinky: Narf! Oh, Brain, I get it. You're a beautiful lawn ornament. Look at me, narf. I'm a pink flamingo. (giggles) I'm a cement deer. (giggles) Oh, I'm one of the seven dwarfs, Brain!

*The Brain: Stop it, Pinky, or I shall have to hurt you.

*Pinky: Oh, righto, Brain. Narf.

*The Brain: Now, let us make haste, for we have much to do before the race begins.

*Pinky: Poit.

*The Brain: First, Pinky, we must visit the stables. Inside, we will find the winning horse.

*Pinky: Uh, how are we gonna do that, Brain?

*The Brain: the racing form, pinky. By analyzing the velocity-based pace line, mile turf win, and Beyer speed figures, we'll find a grade 1 stakes claimer who'll give us a key-horse situation.

*Pinky: Uh, can't we just ride the pretty one?

(Phar whinnies, laughs)

*The Brain: Heavens, they're multiplying.

*Pinky: (Giggles)

*The Brain: This is a business trip, Pinky.

*Pinky: Oh, right. Sorry, Brain.

*The Brain: Here is our horse.

*Pinky: "Daddy's little angel."

(Horse snorts)

*The Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

*Pinky: Well, I think so, Brain, but isn't Regis Philbin already married?

*The Brain: The race, Pinky. By combining the statistics and my low body weight, this horse cannot lose. The prize money will be ours. Now, I must take the place of the real jockey.

(Phone rings)

*Racer: Hello?

*The Brain: Is this the jockey who's going to ride daddy's little angel?

*Racer: Yeah.

*The Brain: This is Ed McMahon for publishers smearing house. You've have just won $10,000,000.

*Racer: I won $10,000,000. I won $10,000,000! I am outta here! Later!

*Coach: Louie! Louie!

*Racer: Later!

*Coach: Who's gonna ride my horse? I mean, Louie is the smallest, lightest jockey in the entire world.

*The Brain: not anymore.

(All gasp)

*Coach: You're a jockey?

*The Brain: Actually, I am a mouse in the early stages of an elaborate scheme to take over the world.

*Coach: Well, fine. We all need a hobby, but, will you ride my horse?

*The Brain: I shall ride and win.

*Coach: Oh, thank you. Thank you!

*Charter: Let's weigh him in. Saddle, 7 pounds. Saddle and rider, 7 pounds 3 ounces.

*Coach: A genetically perfect jockey. This is fantastic.

*Other racer: Let's look into early retirement.

*Announcer: Here come the horses, ladies and gentlemen, for the running of the Kentucky derby.

*The Brain:

Camptown races five miles long,

doo-da, doo-da

*Pinky: Oh, isn't this exciting, Brain?

*The Brain: Pinky, what are you doing here? Your weight will disrupt my winning calculations.

*Pinky: But, Brain, it's too exciting. I-- oh, hello. (giggles)

(Phar looks at Pinky with love.)

*The Brain: Pinky, the race is starting.

(Start)

*Announcer: And they're off!

*Pinky: Whoa! Zort. Poit! Aah! There's baloney in our slacks!

*Announcer: On the inside corner it's Isle of Yap in the lead, followed by Flameel and Leggo my Egoiste on the inside rail. And coming up strong on the outside is daddy's little angel. And Phar Fignewton trails far behind. On the backstretch, coming into the final turn, it's isle of Yap, Flameel, and Daddy's Little Angel is passing them all.

*The Brain: Yah! Yah!

*Pinky: Aah! Zort! (Tries to run, but falls over) Oof!

*Announcer: And daddy's little angel takes the lead by two lengths, followed by isle of Yap, Flameel, Leggo my Egoiste, and way back there, Phar Fignewton.

*The Brain (singing):

Victory, she waits for me,

Oh, the doo-da day

*Phar (spoken): Huh?

*Pinky: Aah!

*Announcer: Phar Fignewton is coming up like a rocket on the outside.

(Warner Trio cheers)

*Announcer: It's Daddy's Little Angel and Phar Fignewton.

*The Brain: Oh, no. Yah! Yah! Yah!

*Pinky: (Whimpers, yelps)

*Announcer: And at the wire, it's Phar Fignewton. Phar fignewton wins it all!

*The Brain: In the words of the great Willie Shoemaker, "Nuts!"

(Pinky nails in picture of Phar)

*The Brain: Pinky, will you please stop that? I'm trying to concentrate on tomorrow night.

*Pinky: Mwah. Why, Brain? What are we gonna do tomorrow night?

*The Brain: Guess.

*Pinky: Oh, yeah. Trying to take over the world. Right.

*Chorus (singing):

They're dinky,

They're Pinky and The Brain, brain, brain, brain, brain.

Dot's Poetry Corner[]

*Narrator: and now, Dot's poetry corner.

*Dot: Ahem. "Fuzzy wuzzy." Fuzzy wuzzy was a bear. Fuzzy wuzzy had no hair. Fuzzy wuzzy wasn't fuzzy, so he changed his name to Ed Asner. Thank you.

(Audience clicks)

*Narrator: This has been another visit to Dot's poetry corner.

End[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Skippy: Spew!

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