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Theme song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script,

Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-

Totally insane-y

*Dot (Yakko's voice):

Dana Delane-y

*All:

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Opening Segment[]

(Ralph cuts bush. Water hose extends. Ralph waters flowers, Warner Trio comes out, waves to Ralph

Chairman of the Bored[]

*Mary: Greetings from Impetago's, where all the stars have turned out for the celebrity gala of the year.

(crowd cheering)

*Mary: let's see who's here.

(One woman poars loads of sugar into her cup, another man eats meat, the next man looks back and forth between a man and a woman, A black man points at another man, while the camera scrolls)

*Black man 2: You gonna blast this one like you blasted all these others before?

*Veiny man: I ain't the way I was before. (Fans the meat until the fire burns it into a crisp)

*Godfather: Columbus understood that the earth wasn't flat, like this. (Eats pizza) Or this. (Eats pie) Or this. (Eats ribs). Au contraire, Columbus knew the earth was round, like this. (Eats cantaloupe)

*Waiter: Care for any dessert, sir?

*Godfather: Well, this will be a beginning. (Falls through the floor)

*Mart: You just never know who'll turn up at a star-stuffed shindig like this one.

(Yakko's sonar beeping slowly, beeping rapidly)

*Yakko: (Grabs cheese balls) Yup, you never know who'll turn up.

*Wakko: (Eats cheese balls) Especially uninvited.

(Dot eats a cheese ball at the same time as Wakko.)

*Wakko: (Eats all cheese balls) Mm, these cheese balls are delicious. (Eats plate)

*Dot: (English accent) Please, sir, may I have some more?

*Yakko: (Gravely voice) More? (Normal voice) Say no more, sister sibling.

*Pip: Oh, hello.

*Yakko: Uhh... hi. Yakko Warner.

*Pip: Pleased to meet you, Yakko (Shakes hand). Name's Francis Pumphandle, but everyone calls me Pip.

*Yakko: Great cheese balls, huh, pip?

*Pip: I'll say. Cheese balls are one of my all-time favorite foods. I always seem to meet the most interesting people when I'm around them too.

(Yakko tries to overpower Pip's indomitable grip)

*Pip: In fact, cheese balls bring to mind the time I met Bob Barker.

*Yakko: You don't say.

*Pip: Yes, indeed. Bob Barker, star of the most popular morning game show. He's an emcee, a host and a celebrity, all rolled into one. Anyway, eight months ago, it was tuesday the 17th, I believe-

(Yakko tries to use feet to overpower Pip's grip, grunts)

*Pip: Or it might have been the 18th. No, no, it was definitely the 17th, because it was precisely one week after my aunt Lucretia's birthday, which is the 10th.

(Yakko pants)

*Pip: Aunt Lucretia's quite a woman. Loves to cook. She prepares a fabulous worshu op.

(Yakko tries to use crowbar to get rid of grip)

*Pip: That's a Chinese duck dish. I love Chinese food. I once went to a party where they served Chinese food and cheese balls. Now, that was a Catch-22 situation.

(Yakko's crowbar flies away, Yakko pants)

*Pip: Catch-22 was a movie, you know. It was long, very long.

(Yakko bites his own arm)

*Pip: They say the book was better, but it was a novel, and I never finish reading those things.

*Yakko: Well, isn't that interesting? (Holds up sign saying not!)

*Pip: Of course, a lot of people don't read much nowadays. They watch television. I caught a program on PBS last night.

*Dot/Pip:

A very good show on chimpanzees in the media/What took so long?

Is michelle pfeiffer out there?/They had a clip of Jay Fred Mug and a chimp on the today show,

*Yakko: Never mind, there's a person up here you gotta meet.

*Dot/Pip: Mel gibson?/But it was fred's chimpanzee's girlfriend that had me stumped.

*Yakko: Close.

*Pip: I couldn't remember her name, so I looked it up. Her name was Phoebe b. Beebee.

*Yakko: Dot Warner, this is Francis Pumphandle, but-

Both (in unison): Everyone calls me Pip.

*Pip: Anyway, as I was saying, eight months ago, Tuesday the 17th,

*Dot/Pip: I went downtown, a nice relaxing stroll/I'm going to hurt my brother badly.

*Pip: I love to relax. In fact, relaxing is a pastime of mine. Some people play golf, others like tennis, horseshoes, bridge, canasta, and other such fancy hobbies.

(Dot holds up stop sign, then traffic light, then train stop sign during last line. Then she gets Wakko)

*Dot: Wakko Warner, meet Pip. Bye!

(Wakko sees food, stretches his arm to eat the food)

*Pip: Charmed to meet ya. Now, another hobby enjoyed by many is knitting. My grandmother was a great knitter. Knitted this sweater I'm wearing. It's red, which is not my favorite color.

(Wakko makes gookie face)

*Pip: I prefer mauve or mustard yellow.

(Wakko makes face with weird tongue colour and weird face)

*Pip: Now, don't get me wrong, red is okay for ties and suspenders, but with sweaters,

(Wakko makes exaggerated version of last face)

*Pip: I prefer more neutral colors.

*Wakko: I have to go. (Detaches right hand)

*Pip: But when I'm relaxing, I don't care what wear. Long pants, Bermuda shorts, t-shirts or formal attire. You name it, anything goes. Now, on the 17th, during my relaxing stroll, I recall wearing my herringbone jacket,

(Wakko gets vacuum cleaner, sucks up all the sea food on one table)

*Pip: My laughlin, Nevada, souvenir tie, and my charcoal-gray slacks. Or was it the navy slacks? Oh, I suppose it doesn't really matter, does it?

(Wakko sucks up a woman's hair)

*Pip: What matters is comfort. You know, I once stayed at a comfort inn.

*Waiter: Doggy bag, sir?

*Pip: Warm, cozy, comfortable. I love comfort.

(Dog barking, put into the bag)

*Pip: It goes along with that pastime of mine, relaxing. Now, for me, there's nothing more relaxing-

*Wakko: Go away.

*Pip: Than a nice, leisurely stroll, like the one I took eight months ago on the 17th. It was a bright, sunny day.

(Pip approaches the Warner Trio:

*Wakko: This man is scaring me.

*Pip: Which of course is the optimum condition for relaxed strolling.

*Yakko/Pip: I can't say it hasn't been grand, Pip, because it hasn't. We gotta run. Bye!/And as I walked along, I found myself humming a haunting melody.

*Pip: I kept humming and humming and humming and humming. I couldn't get the tune out of my head.

*Warner Trio: (Facepalm) Retreat!

*Yakko/Pip: We'd love to stay and count our brain cells as they die, one by one./I racked my brain to come up with a title, but to no avail, you see I'm not terribly musical, and yet- I'd always wanted to play an instrument, and be like my hero, Leo Sayer.

*Dot: But we can't.

*Wakko: Gotta go.

*Warner Trio: (Gets on bus) Bye! (On bus) Free at last! Free at last! Thank-

*Pip: But who can compete with Leo? I think I was just scared that I'd fail.

(Warner Trio screams)

*Pip: Well, I decided right then and there to go buy a musical instrument.

(Wakko puts face in vomit bag, Yakko gets earwax, Dot laughs, in ascending order of closeness. The closest one puts the furthest away closes to Pip 3 times.)

*Pip: So on the particular tuesday, the 17th, to which was referring, I went down to the sixth street music emporium to buy a new tambourine. A terribly soothing instrument, contrary to popular opinion. And as I was strolling along I detected a wonderful scent in the morning air. "What could it be?" I asked myself.

*Dot: Silence?

*Pip: So I went toward that marvelous scent, distracted by its aroma from my musical mission. The odor was a mix of orchid flowers and bologna, which of course is one of the world's most underappreciated luncheon meats.

(Swap happens again, Dot wraps herself into a bag)

*Pip: That and pimento loaf. I love a good pimento loaf and mayo sandwich. The more pimentos, the better. Why, just the mention of pimentos makes my tastebuds stand up and say, "Howdy."

(Dot turns into butterfly, flies)

*Pip: Now there's an interesting word: howdy. Is it from, "How are you?" or maybe, "How you doing?" "Howdy" is one of those strange words that really has no origin. I like saying, "How do?" more than, "Howdy." more formal, I think. Not too flowery. But the flowery aroma of that particular Tuesday morning carried me on my fragrant quest.

(Warner Trio get out of bus)

*Yakko: Adiós.

*Wakko: Arrivederci.

*Dot: Au revoir.

*Yakko: Sayonara.

*Wakko: Aloha oi.

*Dot: Oi vei.

*Dot: (sighs) home sweet home.

*Pip: (in water tower) Now, the smell was actually less bologna and more orchid, the beautiful flower found on the island state of Hawaii.

(Warner Trio slumps and cries)

*Pip: Of course, I wasn't in Hawaii, so I needed to search out the location of the nearest orchid.

(Yakko and Wakko in bath, Wakko eats soap, All brushes teeth)

*Pip: So I visited every florist shop in town. Well, to make a long story short, not a single flower shop in town had any orchids in stock, which seemed mighty curious to me. Now, as we all know, curiosity killed the cat, but since I'm not feline, I wasn't too worried. Felines are funny creatures, don't you think? (all spitting) I had a cat once. It used its claws to tear my living room couch to shreds. It was a comfy couch too. Had a sleep-away bed in it, with a foam-rubber mattress. Now, I bought the couch and the mattress at levine's department store on 3rd ave. The very same afternoon of that relaxing stroll aforementioned.

(All in bed)

*Pip: I also bought myself a lovely tambourine on that same shopping expedition. Anyway I didn't wanna pay extra for the delivery of the couch, so I decided to carry the couch home myself.

(All eat breakfast)

*Pip: It was quite cumbersome.

And getting it through the store's revolving doors was a bit of a challenge.

(Wakko throws milk in Yakko's eye)

*Pip: And just as I emerged onto the street, by accident I bumped into a well-dressed man with an orchid in his lapel. It was Bob Barker, and he was eating a bologna and cheese-ball sandwich. Well, it's been nice chatting with you.

*Warner Trio: Huh?

*Pip: Bye.

*Dot: It's too quiet.

*Wakko: I miss him.

*Yakko: Pip, wait! Pip, come back! Tell us another story.

*Dot: please, I wanna learn more about bologna.

*Wakko: Did you ever meet Don Knotts?

*Yakko: Oh, tell us! Please do!

Planets Song[]

*Yakko (singing):

It's time to tour the planets that make up our solar system. C'mon!

The closest to the sun

Is the planet Mercury,

Next the shrouded planet Venus

Is as cloudy as can be.

The Earth is next; we call it home

Let's hope it stays that way,

And then there's Mars; it's really red

What more can I say?

The gassy planet Jupiter's

As big as planets come,

Then there's Saturn with its mighty rings

Made up of tiny crumbs.

We travel on to Neptune,

That's a gassy, freezing ball,

And cold and tiny Pluto

Is the furthest one of all.

Well, there you go. That's our solar system.

*Wakko:

You forgot Uranus.

*Yakko:

Goodnight, everybody!

Buttons and Mindy intro[]

*Mindy: Buttons! Oh, Buttons!

(crash, Buttons falls down hole after chasing Mindy)

*Mindy: (giggles) Silly puppy.

Astro-Buttons[]

(Planet shot, ships float)

*Mindy: (giggles)

(Dog barks at Buttons, and this happens on both sides, they ram the wall)

*Mindy: (giggles) Silly puppies. (Loses ball) Oof. Ball. (giggles)

*Mom: Mindy, sweetheart, mommy and daddy will be in the entertainment lab watching a video cube.

*Dad: Honey, would you duplicate me a beverage paste?

*Mom: Sure, dear, right away. (Duplicates a beverage paste) Buttons, this duplicator is not a toy. I've told you to stay away from it. Just keep an eye on Mindy.

(Buttons barks)

*Mom: Have fun, angel.

*Mindy: Okay, space lady.

*Mom: Please don't call me space lady. Call me mom, mommy, mother, anything, but not space lady.

*Mindy: Okay, space lady. I love you. Buh-bye.

(Mindy’s mother heads inside.)

*Mindy: Bouncy ball. Oops! Ball. Ball.

*Alien 1: Golly, skipper, will we ever get off this planet?

*Alien 2: Oh, sure, little buddy. I think

*Mindy: (grunting, ball escapes chase) Umph. (Mindy blocks harness with hand) Aah.

(Mindy runs through the Suit-o matic, Buttons screams and chases Mindy, but has to get a suit.)

*Mindy: Bouncy bally. Bouncy ball. (Falls off platform)

*Buttons: (howls, falls)

*Mindy: Buttons funny. Buh-bye.

*Woman (on pa): Prepare to launch mission starburst. Five minutes and counting.

*Mindy: Bally, bally, bally. (Ball and Mindy go into danger, transporter room)

(Buttons howls, tail is crushed, clicking as Mindy teleported. Buttons then teleports, yelps.)

*Kirk: Mr. Speck, report.

*Spock: Highly illogical creatures, captain.

*Kirk: Set phasers, on shake 'n bake.

(Mindy and Buttons teleport before Kirk and Spock can attack them. They teleport, but the heads to bodies are swapped.)

*Mindy: Buttons funny.

(Back to normal)

*Mindy: (Ball kicked away by Buttons) Bally. Bally. Bally.

*Buttons: (gasps)

*Woman: Prepare rocket for launch. Evacuate the rocket vicinity.

*Mindy: Whatcha doing, mr. Space bug man? Why? Why? Why?

(Bug man roars)

*Mindy: Okay. I love you. Buh-bye. (Kisses bug man)

(Buttons destroys chess game)

*Woman: All personnel, clear the launchpad. Twenty seconds and counting.

*Mindy: Silly bouncy ball.

(Half of Buttons gets in the elevator. Button's lower region gets bumped by beams)

*Woman: all systems go. Prepare for liftoff.

(Button screams, Mindy goes onto rocket, Buttons finds his way onto rocket)

*Woman: Mission starburst rocket shutdown. Prepare cargo bay for detonation of obsolete weaponry. Sixty seconds until total destruction. (Buttons gasps) That's right. Total destruction!

(alarm bell rings)

*Woman: Starburst detonation sequence under way.

(Mindy giggles)

*Woman: Vaporization components engaged. Detonation minus 40 seconds.

(Mindy gasps, wails, asteroid hits Buttons)

*Mindy: Buh-bye, Buttons!

(2 more asteroids hit Buttons)

*Mindy: Bally. Bally.

(Buttons goes back onto ship, somehow)

*Woman: Fifteen seconds and counting.

*Mindy: My bally.

*Woman: Five, four, three

(Buttons gets ball)

*Mindy: Buh-bye!

*Woman: Two, one.

(The rocket explodes and Buttons and Mindy gets transported back home.)

*Mom: Buttons, didn't I tell you to keep Mindy away from that duplicator? Now look what you've done.

*Mindy: Hi, space lady!

(Buttons quits)

*Mindy: Okay. I love you. Buh-bye.

End[]

(Warner Trio chased by Ralph. Wakko gets a trampoline out of his back, and the Warner Trio bounces to safety)

*Warner Trio: Boingy, boingy, boingy.

*Ralph: Boingy, boingy, boingy.

(Trampoline closes around Ralph, Warner Trio escape into Warner Tower.)

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Yakko: And remember, Yakko spelled backwards is "Okkay".

(All have okay signs.)

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