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Theme song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script,

Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-

Totally insane-y

*Wakko:

Chicken chow mein-y

*All:

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Cartoons in Wakko's Body #1[]

*Wakko: Oh, help me, doc. My head hurts.

*Yakko (in doctor's suit): (Examines ear) Ah, here's the problem.

*Wakko: What is it?

*Yakko: You've got a cartoon stuck in your ear.

Noah's Lark[]

*Narrator: Long, long ago, God looked down on the world and saw great wickedness.

*All: Party! Party! Party! Woo!

*Narrator: God was not happy. Everyone on earth was being a total jerk. Everyone, that is, except a good man named Noah.

*Noah: (Using paddle-ball) One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, all good children go to heaven. I hear the food's terrible there. (Ball goes in eye) Ow. Ma, you were right. I did put my eye out.

*God (booming voice): Noah.

*Noah: Ma, your voice has changed.

*God: I'm not your mother, Noah.

*Noah: Oh, my god.

*God: Precisely. Noah, I have decided to make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights. I command thee to build an ark.

*Noah: Okay, fine. What's an ark?

*Indiana Jones: It's what I've been searching for. It's this incredible bejeweled box containing the power of the heavens, and it melts Nazis.

*God: it's a boat, Noah.

(Indiana Jones sees arrows, runs away, people with spears chase him.)

*God: Once the ark is finished, you will load onto it two of every animal of this world from great beast to tiniest bug, so that they may be spared.

*Noah: No spidees, okay? Please skip the spidees. They give me the heebie-jeebies. I'm allergic to fear.

*God: Do as I bid. I shall flood the world.

(Noah gets paddle-ball, then is struck by lightning.)

*God: Now, get to work!

*Narrator: Noah was good to his word. He completed construction just as the rains began, and the animals marched two-by-two onto the love ark.

(Animals march in)

*Noah: Okay, possums: check. Bunnies.

*Both: Buster and Babs Bunny. No relation.

*Noah: Let's hope not. It's a children's show. Bunnies: check. Wolverines.

(wolverines growling, fight Noah)

*Noah: For heaven's sakes, let's not forget the always cheerful wolverines the Lon Chaney juniors of the animal kingdom. Check. Lab mice.

*Pinky and The Brain: Check.

*Pinky: These pantyhose are killing me, Brain. I think I prefer knee-highs. (poked by the Brain)

*Noah: Who am I to judge? Ugh. That's the entire list except for the hippopotami. Where are they?

(thudding, French accent)

*Flavio: Hold the boat! (He and Marita hurry over to Noah) We could not find a taxi.

*Marita: Would you carry this onboard, pour moi?

*Noah: No.

*Flavio: I believe this is the capitaine, not the porter.

*Marita: Oh, Flavio, a faux pas. You have such a quaint, lower-class look to you.

*Noah: Shoot me! (It starts to rain) Look, I don't know who you think I am, and I wish I cared, but I don't. Get on the boat.

*Marita: Oh, yes, let's. I am not wearing waterproof mascara.

(ark creaking)

*Noah: Why me? (Hit by bridge to Ark.) Ow.

*Narrator: The great flood came, and it rained for 40 days and 40 nights.

*Noah: Oy, up and down, up and down. I hate the sea. I hate boats. Why am I out at sea in a boat? Where's Gavin MacLeod when you need him? At least you could've told me to pick up some dramamine or pepto. A saltine would be nice. (gasps, seasick)

(Knock, knock, knock)

*Flavio: We did not see you at the captain's table. So instead we came here to meal with you.

*Marita: Beluga caviar?

(Noah gags)

*Marita: Unagi?

*Flavio: It means "Raw eel."

*Noah: Ugh. (thud)

*Marita: Perhaps not!

(Thudding)

*Noah: (Groaning) Stop! Please stop.

*Flavio: So sorry, my friend!

*Marita: These squash courts are so teeny small. Must be prefab, no?

*Flavio: Ta-ta!

*Noah: I needed this? Go on. Tell me I haven't done my bit. Go on. Tell me. I gathered all the animals. I built the boat to code.

(Plank collapses)

*Noah: Okay, okay. So I cheated a little on the lumber. But given the circumstances, couldn't we do without those hippos?

(Lightning strikes Noah)

*Noah: Forget I asked!

(Noah looks out the window. Knock knock)

*Noah: Go away. There's nobody here. I'm a hologram.

(Flavio knocks)

*Flavio: We will not go, captain. We must speak to you at once.

*Marita: (Bangs on door) Mr. Captain, we must complain about our cabin mates. They just hang around all day long, and at night they keep us awake with their incessant knitting.

*Noah: Knitting? What are you talking about? Who's your roommate, grandma Moses?

*Marita: Oh, no, our roommates are--

*Flavio: The spidees.

*Noah: Spidees (flies into roof)!

*Flavio: How did he do that? I do not know.

*Marita: He must have those new air-pumping sneakers. I want some. I must have them. Give them to me now, Flavio (stomps foot on floor).

*Flavio: Come. Let me paint your tootsy nails instead, make you feel all accouterment.

(The scene cuts to Noah on the flagpole.)

*Noah: That's it. I quit. I been on this lousy ship for what? One, five, seven, twe-- where's an abacus when you need it? --36, 40-- forty days and 40 nights.

(Raining ends)

*Singer: Ahh

(Noah climbs down and the floods went away. The Warners run by.)

*Narrator: And so the flood ended and the animals were sent forth to multiply. And as for Noah, he built a lovely new home and settled down to live out his days in peace and quiet.

*Noah: (yawns, paddle-balls)

*Marita: Greetings, neighbor!

*Flavio: You don't mind if we picnic on your hill with our dear old friends from the cruise, do you?

*Marita: Certainly you remember...

*Both: The spidees?

*Flavio: Care to join us?

*Noah: No, no. And I very rarely repeat myself. No! (Runs away)

*Flavio: Apparently very shy or antisocial.

Cartoons in Wakko's Body #2[]

*Wakko: Oh! You gotta help me, doc.

*Dot (dressed as doctor): What's the matter?

*Wakko: I've got something in my eye.

*Dot: Oh, I see what it is.

*Wakko: What?

*Dot: (Stretches eye) It's the next cartoon.

Chicken Boo intro[]

*Narrator (singing): Chicken Boo what's the matter with you?

You don't act like the other chickens do

You wear a disguise to look like human guys,

But you're not a man you're a chicken Boo

The Big Kiss[]

(Warner Trio runs from Ralph)

*Clive: All right, then, this is the final shot of the movie, and I'd like you to sort of give it all you can, sugar.

*Hello Nurse: No problem. I'm looking forward to it. Why, any girl in hollywood would give up her lexus to kiss mr. Boo.

*Clive: Say, where is he? Tony, get Boo to the set.

*Tony: He's on his way.

(Mr Boo enters.)

*Reporter 1: Hey, Boo, what's it like to be the sexiest man in Hollywood?

*Reporter 2: Boo, how do you handle being the biggest star in Hollywood?

*Reporter 3: Boo, are you a giant chicken?

*Reporters 1 and 2: What?

*Reporter 1: Are you outta your mind?

*Reporter 2: That's ridiculous. Crazy!

*Tony: That's it. Everybody out. Off the set. Go on. Get out. Shoo! Go on!

*Reporter 3: He's a chicken, I tell ya! A chicken!

*Tony: (chuckles) Boo, I'm sorry about that. Some of those tabloid people, they'll say anything to get a story. Listen, can I get you anything? Anything at all? A Pellegrino? How about a nice chicken salad? (chuckles) Sorry, that's right. You're a vegetarian. Okay.

*Clive: I say, Mr. Boo, everything okay? Oh, good, good. Now, uh, this shot, of course, as you know, is the climax of the movie and- eh-uh (sneezes)

*Tony: You really should see a doctor about that cold, Clive.

*Clive: I am not sick. How many times have I got to tell you, Tony? These sneezes are an allergic reaction.

*Tony: To what?

*Clive: Chicken feathers. (sneezes) (blowing nose) All right, are we ready? (sniffles) Let's get this thing in the can. Lights!

*Hello Nurse: I can't wait to kiss you, Mr. Boo. This is the most thrilling moment of my career. You're a real man, not phony like most of the other men in Hollywood.

*Clive: Cameras! Action!

(Hello Nurse kisses Boo)

*All: Oh! Oh!

(Boo clucks)

*Clive: What?

*Hello Nurse: (gasps) (screams) You're a chicken! (spits 3 times) I kissed chicken lips! Ugh! (thud)

*Clive: Cut!

*Reporter 3: I told ya that guy was a chicken!

(Boo clucks)

*Clive: You've ruined my picture. I'll be the laughingstock of Hollywood. You'll never work in this town again, Chicken Boo! (sneezes) Get him! Get him! (shouting)

(Bodyguards fight chicken Boo, Varietoon says "Boo hoo? Big kiss lays giant egg! Starlet blitzed out - sues studio in wrongful chicken suit. Dumb cluck director cacklet out of show biz.)

*Narrator (singing):

You wear a disguise to look like human guys,

But you're not a man you're a chicken, Boo

Cartoons in Wakko's Body #3[]

*Wakko: Oh, please, doc, you gotta help me. My tooth hurts.

*Yakko: Open up and say, "Ah."

*Wakko: Ah.

*Yakko: Whoa, will you look at that.

*Dot: What is it?

*Yakko: The next cartoon.

Hiccup[]

(Warner Trio ride by on a bicycle.)

*Squit: As far back as I can remember, I could always count on Bobby and Pesto's help no matter what happened.

(Goodfeather Trio fights over food. Bobby gets food. Squit eats meat, hiccups.)

*Bobby: (coo) Am I beat. What say we make like sleepers and shut our peepers? (yawns)

(Pesto yawns, Squit yawns, which is interrupted by 2 hiccups, then 4 more.)

*Pesto: Hey, Squit,

*Bobby: Knock it off.

*Squit: I'm trying to, bobby. Hiccups are an involuntary reflex, ya know. (hiccups)

*Pesto: I'll give ya an involuntary reflex (hits Squit with wing).

(Squit hiccups)

*Bobby: Remember Lippy Lombardi? Had hiccups so bad his neck caved in (neck dies)? (coos)

*Pesto: Yeah.

*Squit: (screams) Ya gotta help me.

*Bobby: You do exactly what I tell ya and you won't get croaked by hiccups. Take a deep breath.

(Squit inhales deeply)

*Bobby: Swallow it.

(Squit gulps)

*Bobby: Hold it till I tell ya to exhale, capiche?

*Pesto: That ain't gonna work.

*Bobby: What are you, some kind of expert in "Hiccupology"?

*Pesto: As a matter of fact, I am an expert in all things "Anatamatonical."

*Bobby: Are you telling me I don't know what I'm doin' over here? Is that what you're telling me?

*Pesto: Who, me? Tell you? Naw.

*Bobby: Bada-bing. He is cured.

*Squit: Thanks, bobby, I- (hiccups)

*Pesto: (laughing) What'd I tell ya? (gulps) It-- it would've worked if Squit knew how to do it right. Who told you to exhale, huh?

(Squit hiccups)

*Bobby: Maybe you could help him, mr. Bigtime-know-it-all.

*Pesto: Sure, Bobby, whatever you say. Open up, Squit. (Opens mouth, looks in) Ahh. I see the problem. His duodenum's all spastical.

*Bobby: Eh, that duodenum's outta whack.

*Squit: What the coo's a duodenum (hiccups)?

*Pesto: The duodenum, birdbrain, is that dangly down thing you got connected to your diaphra-gm which operates your lung compression.

*Bobby: Yeah.

*Squit: Well, can you fix it? (hiccups)

*Pesto: Yeah, yeah, forget about it. Grab his beak, will you, Bobby? Can you breathe?

*Squit: Hm-mm.

*Pesto: Good. Hold still, 'cause I'm gonna put pressure on your abdomen.

(Pesto jumps on Squit's abdominal region)

*Squit: (gasps, smiles)

*Pesto: Pastitsio! The heim-hiccup-lich maneuver works every time.

*Squit: Thanks, doc.

*Pesto: "Doc"? What's that supposed to mean?

*Squit: I just said, thanks, doc.

*Pesto: "Doc"? What? Are you saying I'm one of those seven ugly dwarves? Is that what you're saying? That I am some kind of shorty-short, white-bearded elfinette here to whistle while I work for you? Is that what you're saying?

*Squit: No, I'm not saying that.

*Pesto: I am a doc.

*Squit: (laughs) Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying.

*Pesto: That's it! "Doc"! Here's your doc!

(Bobby laughs)

*Pesto: I'll give ya a doc, ya beaking, freaking, winkie-dinkie!

(Squit hiccups)

*Bobby: Remember coo-boy Capezio? Had hiccups so bad his head collapsed?

*Pesto: Yeah.

*Squit: Ah! I don't want a collapsed head. I don't want my neck to cave in. (crying and hiccupping)

*Bobby: Pesto, you got any ideas how to rectify Squit's predicament?

*Pesto: Nah. You take care of him, Bobby. Whatever treatment you prescribe, I'm behind you, 100%.

*Bobby: I want you to drink till I tell you to stop, capiche?

*Pesto: That ain't gonna work.

*Bobby: You give me one more iota of aggravation, I'm gonna peck open your brainbox and let all the air out.

(Squit gulps, Bobby makes water output higher. Squit inflates, flies into Bobby and Pesto)

*Goodfeather Trio: Whoa!

(Bobby goes into a tree, like the others)

*Pesto: Oof!

*Squit: Oof! (hiccups)

(Bobby holds Squit upside down, tries to shake the hiccups out. Each time Squit's head hits the floor, he hiccups.)

*Pesto: That ain't gonna work.

*Bobby: I've had it with you, Pesto.

*Pesto: I mean, it will work if Squit does it right. What? W-w-w-w-what I do?

*Squit: (Restrains Bobby) Bobby, come on. (hiccups) Don't peck open Pesto's brainbox. Yo, bobby.

(Goodfeather Trio gasps, Squit hiccups.)

*Bobby: The godpigeon.

(Bobby and Pesto kiss the godpigeon's foot, while Squit hiccups before he can)

*Godpigeon: (mumbles)

*Bobby: The godpigeon says "Remember fluffer frittata? Had hiccups so bad his torso dissolved."

*Pesto: (coos) Yeah.

*Squit: (sobbing and hiccupping)

*Godpigeon: (mumbles)

*Bobby: The godpigeon says there's nothing he can do for ya, and he hopes you had a nice life.

(Squit hiccups)

(Godpigeon roars, Goodfeather Trio screams and falls down)

*Squit: (coos) What happened?

*Bobby: The godpigeon stupefied the hiccups outta ya.

*Squit: (Flies triumphantly, cooing) Woo-hoo-hoo! Thanks (hugs Bobby and Pesto. (coos) I love being a Goodfeather. No matter what happens, we stick together like the three musketeers.

*Pesto: "Musketeers." What do you mean by that?

*Squit: I just said we're like the three musketeers. You know, all for one and one for all.

*Pesto: Are you saying that I am Annette Funicello here to wear mouse ears for you? That I am some kind of "Hey, there, hi, there, ho, there, come and join thy jamboree" punk on a kids' tv show? Is that what you're sayin'?

*Squit: No, I'm not saying that.

*Pesto: I am a musketeer.

*Squit: Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm sayin'. (chuckles)

*Pesto: That's it! I'll give ya a musketeer!

*Squit: hey, ow. Come on.

(Bobby laughs)

*Pesto: I'll give ya one upside the head, that's what I'll give ya. I'm no musketeer! Zooey voom.

*Squit: Friends, ya gotta love 'em.

Cartoons in Wakko's Body #4 Epilogue[]

*Dot: (clears throat) We'd like to update the press on Wakko Warner's condition. Earlier today, Wakko had a headache. We found a cartoon stuck in his ear.

*Yakko: We pulled it out.

*Dot: Then Wakko's eye hurt. We found another cartoon stuck in his eye.

*Yakko: Uh, we pulled it out.

*Dot: Then Wakko got a toothache. We found another cartoon stuck in his mouth.

*Yakko: We pulled that one out as well.

*Dot: So, Wakko, how do you feel now?

*Wakko: Oh, my bottom hurts.

*Yakko: Mwah! Good night, everybody!

(Warner Trio runs away)

End[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Wakko: Wanna see me make bubbles with my spit?

*Yakko: Sure do. In fact, that's the theme of our next show!

*Dot: So don't miss it! (points finger towards audience)

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