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Theme song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script,

Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-

Totally insane-y

*Yakko:

Citizen Kane-y

*All:

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Slappy the squirrel intro[]

(music)

*Warner Trio (singing):

The crankiest of creatures In the whole wide world,

Our next cartoon Features Slappy the squirrel.

*Slappy: Enough with the singin' already.

*Warner Trio:

That's Slappy

Critical Condition[]

(Upbeat music)

*Eggbert: I like the chocolate ones. Welcome back to the show. We now review a new laser disc just released to home video.

*Hisskill: It's called The Best of Looney Tunes, and it contains such favorites as Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck and Porky Pig. Let's take a look.

*Elmer: Wabbit twacks. (pokes spear) Kill the wabbit Kill the wabbit Kill the wabbit

*Bugs: Kill the wabbit?

*Daffy: That's strange. All of a sudden I don't quite feel like myself. Oh, I feel all right. And yet I- I, uh- (sees mirror) EEH!

*Porky: Are you re-re-really the l-l-last of the d-d-d-dodoes?

*Dodo: Yes, I'm really the last of the dodoes. (Scatting, kicks Porky)

(Reviewers laugh)

*Hisskill: (Laughs) Bodio do do dodio do!

*Eggbert: (as Daffy) That's despicable.

*Hisskill: Catch-a the wabbit

*Eggbert: It's so funny.

(Both laugh)

*Eggbert: I have to stop laughing. I'm gonna throw up.

*Skippy: They love it, Aunt Slappy.

*Slappy: Yeah, yeah. Enough Bugs Bunny already. When are they gonna show clips from my cartoons? I mean, I'm supposed to be in this laser beam doohickey, thingamajig here somewhere, right? Yeah, there I am. Look at my head.

*Skippy: They're just saving the best for last, Aunt Slappy (both hug and smile).

*Slappy: A little heroine worship never hurt nobody.

*Hisskill: (Laughs) Yep, this is perhaps the best compilation of Warner cartoons ever.

*Eggbert: Unfortunately, it also includes cartoons featuring the only Warner's character that we actually hate. The terribly unfunny Slappy Squirrel.

*Skippy and Slappy: What?

*Hisskill: Codger, have you ever laughed at a Slappy Squirrel cartoon?

*Eggbert: Never. She repulses me (Slappy gets kicked). I mean, she's just not funny (kick). She never made a funny cartoon in her life.

*Slappy: (kicked) Oof!

*Hisskill: Let's face it, Slappy Squirrel is without a doubt the unfunniest cartoon character in the history of animation

*Slappy: Oof (kicked onto chair)!

*Hisskill: So to the collection of Warner cartoons, we both give an enthusiastic "toes up. "

*Eggbert: But to the cartoons of Slappy Squirrel we both give a big, smelly "toes down. "

(Slappy gets kicked into the air)

*Hisskill: And that's our show. I'm Lean Hisskill.

*Eggbert: And I'm Codger Eggbert.

*Hisskill: Till next time, the balcony is ours.

(Slappy stumbles)

*Skippy: Those mean men. How could they say such horrible things?

*Slappy: Now, Skippy, it's a free country. Everyone's entitled to his own opinion.

*Skippy: But they're wrong. You're the funniest cartoon character ever.

*Slappy: Calm down, Skippy.

*Skippy: We can't let 'em get away with it, Aunt Slappy. (Gets rockets and suit) Let's go get 'em.

*Slappy: Skippy, no. What are you thinkin'?

*Skippy: Oh, you're right, Aunt Slappy. (Gets big bombs) We'll need the big bombs.

*Slappy: That's better, kid. Come on, let's blow 'em to kingdom come.

*Skippy: Yay!

(Skippy and Slappy go underground)

*Slappy: Now, here's today's lesson, Skippy. If you wanna go on national TV and shred someone's career to pieces, you have the right.

*Skippy: Right.

*Slappy: But when you do that, remember: Don't go listin' your home address in the phone book.

(Rocket launches into Hisskill and Eggbert's house, destroying it)

*Skippy: A lesson well-learned.

(Laughing)

*Mary: The home of Hisskill and Eggbert unexpectedly exploded today. But happily, the two famous movie critics were away on business, having their legs waxed.

*Slappy: It's sad, really.

*Mary: And tonight, they'll both be attending the gala premiere of Steven Spielberg's new blockbuster movie.

*Slappy: Skippy, feel like takin' in a flick?

*Skippy: Well...

*Slappy: Come on, it'll be fun.

*Skippy: Okay. ()

*Mary: Well, hi! Mary Hartless here at the movie event of the year. An invitation-only affair for Hollywood's cultural elite.

*Hisskill: Tickets, please, for Hisskill and Eggbert.

*Slappy: Hisskill and Eggbert, Hisskill and Eggbert. Uhh... nope, not on the list.

*Hisskill: We have invitations, miss.

*Slappy: (Rips invitation) Yeah, who doesn't? Listen, you're not on the list, pally boy, so take a hike, okay? Next!

*Eggbert: Do you know who we are? We're Hisskill and Eggbert, world-famous movie critics. Our review could make or break this film. We demand to be let in.

*Slappy: Oh, in that case, a thousand pardons. Let me personally show you to your seats.

*Eggbert: That's better.

*Slappy: Your seats are right here (kicks them in).

(Skippy slams door, rocket takes off with them inside)

Bon voyage-y.

(Rocket explodes)

*Slappy: Well, what do ya know? Their names were on the list after all. Oops.

(Skippy and Slappy laugh)

*Skippy: Tickets, please. Tickets. Tickets, please.

*Eggbert: Hey, look, there's been an error. We don't have tickets, but you have to let us in.

*Slappy: Persistent little buggers, ain't they?

*Skippy: Sorry, sir. No ticket, no movie.

*Hisskill: Now, listen, you little brat, we're goin' in there.

*Skippy: Aye-ya (kicks both, bonks heads together, throws them away)!

*Skippy: No way.

*Eggbert: Okay, kid, listen. We'll pay ya to let us in.

*Skippy: No, that would be bribery.

*Hisskill: Oh, come on, please? How much?

(Skippy accepts money)

*Eggbert: We made it!

*Hisskill: We're inside!

*Eggbert: Hooray!

*Slappy: Nice work, Skippy. You just paid for your college education.

*Skippy: College, nothin'. I'm goin' to Vegas.

*Slappy: Get me Siegfried and Roy's autograph, would ya?

*Hisskill: Hurry up, Codger.

*Eggbert: Wait. I just need to get a quick snack.

*Slappy: May I help you, or did the Goodyear blimp just land?

*Eggbert: Ha, ha. Give me a large tub of popcorn, and hurry.

*Slappy: There you go, Shamu (brings bathtub of popcorn). You want artificial butter flavoring on that?

*Eggbert: Sure.

*Slappy: All right then.

*Eggbert: Does it cost extra?

*Slappy: Artificial butter? Nah, it's cheap stuff.

*Eggbert: Really? What's it made of?

*Slappy: Ah, it's just lard, that I'm liposuctioning out of your gut!

*Skippy: Ew!

*Eggbert: (Removes tube) Ick!

*Slappy: Hey, pal, that'll be 7. 50.

*Hisskill: It's about time. The movie's starting. Where's the balcony, kid?

*Skippy: Upstairs, duh.

*Hisskill: Come on. I hope we haven't missed the opening credits.

Hisskill and Eggbert: Aah! (Fall out of building, screaming, slam)

*Slappy: Okay, who's the wise guy that moved the balcony?

(Both laugh)

*Hisskill: There he is. Why you incorrigible little brat. There's no balcony up there.

*Slappy: Excuse me, I'm the manager. Is there a problem?

*Eggbert: Yes! We wanna be shown to our seats. Immediately!

*Slappy: All right, sir, but I'm afraid the only remaining seats are in the front row.

*Hisskill: Fine. We don't care. Just take us there. Now!

*Slappy: Right this way. There ya go. Enjoy the movie.

(Hisskill and Eggbert whisper)

*Eggbert: Very lifelike.

(Both squashed)

And the special effects are astounding.

(More roaring, both scream)

*Slappy: Ready, aim, fire!

(Skippy shoots rocked aimed at Eggbert and Hisskill, boom! Skippy and Slappy both laugh)

*Skippy: So both Aunt Slappy and I give Steven Spielberg's new film a great big "toes up. "

*Slappy: I love a movie with a happy ending.

*Hisskill and Eggbert: (Laughing)

*Eggbert: So you see, we were, wrong about Slappy Squirrel. She's funny.

*Hisskill: She's the funniest cartoon character of all time.

*Slappy: These guys are finally startin' to talk sense.

*Eggbert: Slappy Squirrel, we salute ya. That is, if we had the ability to move our arms, we'd salute ya.

*Hisskill: And that's our show. So until next time, the balcony is-

*Skippy: Blown up.

*Slappy: Now that's comedy.

Intermission[]

(Warner Trio travels on plane. Ralph holds on. Tree separates Ralph and plane. This causes the skin of the plain to be ripped off, along with the engine. Warner Trio falls.)

The Three Muska-Warners[]

*Narrator: Paris, France, 1575. A time of great social and political unrest.

*Crowd (chanting): Down with the king! Down with the king! Down with the king!

*Narrator: The king's popularity was waning, and there had been numerous threats on his life. As such, he was a very nervous monarch.

*King: (Yelps, soothsayer touches his back, jumps up high)

*Narrator: So the king sought the wisdom of his sage, the soothsayer.

*King: You scared me.

*Soothsayer: (Gasps) Gadzooks!

*King: Is there going to be another attempt on my life? What do you see?

*Soothsayer: The viper is coming. The viper is coming tonight at 11:30.

*King: (Gasps)

*Soothsayer: Oooh!

*King: (Shrieks, whimpers.) You scared me again. Stop it. Who in France is brave enough to protect me from the viper?

*Announcer: The three musketeers.

*Crowd (singing):

Hail the king's protectors,

Hail the three musketeers.

(Nothing happens)

Hail the king's protectors

Hail the three musketeers

(Door opens)

*Yakko (spoken): (Dressed up in hat with sword near waist) Who are you waitin' for?

*King: The musketeers.

*Crowd (singing):

Hail the king's protectors,

Hail the three musketeers.

*Yakko (spoken): I think you've been stood up.

*Wakko: (Arrives in his hat with feather) Who are they waiting for?

*Yakko: The Mouseketeers.

*Dot: (Arrives with fancy magenta hat) Where's Cubby? He's dreamy.

*King: Good heavens, you are the three musketeers.

(Dings 3 times)

*Yakko: That is correct. Tell him what he's won, Dottie.

*Dot: (Dressed in pink outfit with blonde wig) A year's supply of Squeezie Cheeze. The not-quite-but-almost cheese food in a bottle. If it's almost food but not quite, it's Squeezie Cheeze (Squeezes cheese in bottle, which shoots out of the bottle like jizz).

*Yakko: Yes, my not-so-royal highness, we are the three musketeers. All for one, and one for all. And one times 10 divided by two times pi equals- What's that equal?

*Wakko: Nope. It's sweet'n low. (Puts sugar in cup)

*King: I must say, you caught me off guard, musketeers. I thought for sure you'd make one of your grand entrances.

*Yakko: You mean, like this:

*Warner Trio (singing):

(Puts 3 swords up after jumping to the carpet)

We're the musketeers,

(Sheathes swords again)

And we're very proud to say,

That through the years in the face of danger

We have, run away,

But, hey, that's okay.

What should you expect With this take-home pay?

We're the musketeers,

(In a car)

We drive a Chevrolet.

(On chandeliers)

Swing on chandeliers,

And have thrilling sword fights,

(Fight, King's pants fall down)

Many times a day,

(Warner Trio in business suits)

It may sound cliché

But it was either this or sell Amway,

(Warner Trio in musketeer hats)

Now, unclog those filthy dirty ears,

(Swings sword)

It's time to meet the musketeers.

(Clashes swords, points them upp)

*Dot (spoken): Musketeer roll call

*Yakko: (Sword up) Yakkos

*Wakko: (Swordfish up) Wakkos

*Dot: D'Otaignan (D'Artagnan)

*Warner Trio (singing):

Now we'll carve our initials In your rears

'Cause we are The three musketeers

*Wakko: Is that the kind of entrance you meant?

*King: Yes.

*Yakko: We don't do those anymore.

*Slappy: You three remind me of a very young Yippee, Yappee, and Yahooey.

*Dot: I have no idea what that meant.

*King: Musketeers, you must help me. I fear the presence of a horrifying viper in my chamber, tonight at 11:30. You must protect me.

*Yakko: Say no more.

*King: Oh, thank you. Thank you.

*Yakko: No, really, stop talking. Your breath really smells.

*King: This is my bedroom.

*Dot: Let us go in first and make sure it's safe.

*King: All right.

*Dot: You'd let a poor, defenseless girl go in that dark room with who-knows-what lurking in the shadows? What kind of man are you?

*King: Well, I-

*Yakko and Wakko: Tsk, tsk, tsk.

*King: Oh, I'm sorry. What was I thinking? You stay here, little lady, and I'll make sure my room is safe. (Lights match for candle)

*Yakko: Is it safe?

*King: (Yelps, candles evenly spread horizontally on the king's arm and head)

*Yakko: Well, king, looks like the coast is clear.

*King: Really? How can you be sure?

*Wakko: See for yourself.

(Wave washes over king, who coughes, dislodges a fish from his robe.)

*Dot: Time for your bedtime snack.

*King: Oh, goody.

*Yakko: Wait. It could be tainted with some horrible disfiguring poison.

*Wakko: I'll test it. Faboo. (makes uncomfortable face)

*King: (Gasps) It was poisoned.

*Wakko: No, just mayonnaise. (Burps)

*Yakko and Dot: Spew.

*King: (Yawns) I grow weary.

*Warner Trio: We grow azaleas (Show plants).

*King: I believe I shall retire.

*Yakko: For 20 years of dedicated service we celebrate your retirement with this gold watch.

*King: Why, thank you. I never expected-

*Yakko: It's been swell.

*Dot: Have a good life.

*Wakko: Eat plenty of fiber.

(All push King out of the room)

*Warner Trio: We're in charge, we're in charge, we're in charge.

*Yakko: I am the king.

*King: Oh, wasn't that nice. I always wanted a gold watch. Wait a minute. Enough of this frivolity. You should be protecting me. And I should be asleep.

*Dot: You're just upset 'cause we've got a candy bar named after us and you don't.

*Wakko: Kingiepoo want a lullaby?

*King: That would be nice.

*Warner Trio (singing):

Hush, little king, please don't cry,

We're gonna sing you a lullaby.

A big scary monster man is coming for you

(King frightened)

He'll gobble you up Like chunky beef stew.

*Warner Trio: Mwah (kiss King)! Good night.

*Yakko: We'll be right outside, protecting you from the evil viper who looms in the shadows to do horrible, unspeakable things to you while you innocently slumber.

*Warner Trio: Sleep tight.

*Yakko (chanting): Hup, two, three, four,

(Egyptian clothing)

No one's gettin' in this door

(Ballerina clothing, Wakko spins)

Five, six, seven, eight

(3 little maids from school)

Gonna ask Cindy Crawford For a date

(King Screams)

*Warner Trio (spoken): The king (Look at time)! The viper!

*King: (Points to blinds) The viper.

*Yakko: The viper.

*Wakko and Dot: The viper.

*Man: Ya. I'm da vindow viper. I vipe da vindows.

(Warner Trio laughs, curtains close, showing a crowd and a word saying applause)

*Yakko: Thank you. Thank you. That's our show. Now let's meet today's cast. Playing the king, Sheila MacRae!

(King's face mask taken off, same with others.)

*Yakko: Playing the soothsayer, Jane Kean. And as the window wiper, Art Carney. Oh, I gotta tell ya, Miami Beach audiences are the greatest in the world.

*Warner Trio: Mwah (love hearts float)!

*Yakko: Good night, everybody!

End[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Skippy: Spew!

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