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Theme song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script,

Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-

Totally insane-y

*Yakko:

Eisenhower mam-ie

*All:

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Dough Dough Boys[]

(Explosions)

*Squit: As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a hero.

(France 1918 the western front)

*Squit: If you became a hero, then cute-looking sparrows would flock around you and play kissy-fowl. Bobby and Pesto loved that part. So when the war started, the Goodfeathers signed up as messenger pigeons. At first, there didn't seem to be much to it.

(Bobby yawns)

*Pesto: I wish we'd see some action. I'm tired of being cooped up.

*Bobby: I'm wit' you.

*Man 1: Situation is critical.

*Man 2: Enemy pressure is increasing.

*Man 3: Lanford took my helmet, sir. Make him give it back.

(All yelling indistinctly)

*Bobby: Bada-bing, what are they sayin'?

*Pesto: Do I look like I know what they're sayin'?

*Bobby: I'm just askin' what they're sayin'.

*Pesto: How am I supposed to know what they're sayin'? Am I fluent in Human? Do I have mystic powers?

(Bobby angry face)

*Pesto: Am I a swami, able to pluck their very words from the air and present them to you as a gift?

*Bobby: Listen, you fat fowl. I'll whack your wings off and make you the smallest ostrich on the planet (intimidates Pesto). They're sayin' somethin'. What are they sayin'?

*Squit: Hey, Bobby, Pesto. Coo it. Something's up.

(Man breathes)

*Man 4: General Storr, sir, the Ninth Brigade is cut off behind enemy lines. They must retreat at once, or they'll be forced to surrender.

*General: Very well. Just don't get any dirt on my map. I'll order the Ninth Brigade to retreat immediately. Bring me the last messenger pigeons.

*Squit: This is it.

(Cage opens)

*Bobby: Goin' into action.

*Pesto: Mama Celeste!

*Goodfeathers: Whoa!

*General: Pigeons are so dirty. Why don't we have messenger cats? They're much cleaner animals.

*Bobby: Don't Squit's new jewelry look adorable?

(Bobby laughs, then Pesto laughs)

*Pesto: He's a regular Mia Sparrow.

(Both laugh, whistle)

*General: To the front

*Bobby: Follow me.

*Pesto: What do ya mean, you? Follow me.

*Bobby: I don't follow nobody.

*Pesto: Oh, yeah? Watch my tail feathers.

*General: Let's look into messenger cats.

*Bobby: Ah, this hero stuff is nothin'. A perch in the park, know what I'm sayin'?

*Pesto: You're right, Bobby. Any of those miserable, egg-suckin' enemies show up, I'll whack 'em into another time zone.

(Lights on the birds, then artillery shoots the Goodfeathers)

*Pesto: I mean it. I'll really whack 'em.

(Goodfeathers scream, another explosion.)

*Bobby: Topo Gigio, look at this miserable place here.

*Squit: Some heroes we turned out to be.

*Pesto: Are you calling me a hero?

*Squit: I was just sayin' that we're supposed to deliver this message and be heroes, ya know?

*Pesto: No, I don't know. You tell me. Are you sayin' I'm a hero? That I'm some kind of large sandwich filled with lunchmeat and lettuce sent here to nourish you?

*Squit: Nah, Pesto, I just meant we're not the heroes we thought we'd be.

*Pesto: That's it! Come here!

*Squit: Come on! Hey! That's my beak.

*Pesto: You dirty little squab. You sack-jawed pelican.

(Bobby stops fight)

*Bobby: Forget about it. We got enough troubles here with the message to deliver, and all that miserable flak coverin' the sky up there.

*Squit: Bobby's right. Let's stay on the ground for a while. It's safer down here.

*Bobby: Oh, Pesto, what's that sign say?

*Pesto: How do I know what it says? Am I a dictionary? Is the word "thesaurus" printed on me? Am I some sort of vast, living pool of knowledge here for the sole purpose of enlightening you?

*Bobby: I just asked, what's it say? What's the matter with you, Pesto (steps on mine)? (coos)

*Pesto: It says, "Thanks for droppin' in. Hope ya had a blast. "

(Planes whirring, drop bombs)

*Squit: Over there! We'll hide in that stinkin' hole.

(Artilliery screams, all scream)

*Bobby: Relax. You never hear the one that gets ya.

(Bomb drops in hole, tank squashes them)

*Goodfeathers: Aah! (All groan)

*Squit: So, what else can happen?

(Bomb explodes, all fly into air, all scream)

*Pesto: "What else can happen?" You had to say that you goofy, bug-suckin' bat. Ragú! You gabby little hatchling. (Fights)

*Squit: Oh, come on! Oh, cut it out! Not the beak again! Oh, come on!

*Bobby: Give it some wing, Squit. That message ain't gettin' any fresher, know what I'm sayin'?

*Squit: It ain't gettin' any lighter, either.

*Bobby: Mario Lanza! We got company back here.

(Airplane chases, Squit goes down. Bobby and Pesto land on zeppelin.)

*Bobby: Well, Squit's run outta tricks. We gotta do somethin' fast here.

(Artillery aims at goodfeathers)

*Pesto: Decrescendo! Anything hits this balloon, we're gonna be Kentucky Fried Pigeons.

*Bobby: Yeah. They blow up easier than you.

*Sinders: Ahhhh

*Bobby: Ah.

(Bobby drags zeppelin)

*Pesto: Are you sure this is gonna work? How do you know it's gonna work?

(Squit's tail feathers hit by propeller)

*Bobby: Listen, you banana-faced toucan, you've been in a particularly bad mood this entire episode. Now, get Squit!

*Squit: Ow, Mona Lisa!

*Pesto: Follow me.

*Squit: Where are we going?

*Pesto: Toward the sun.

*Squit: It's in outer space. We'll never make it.

(Airplane chases Goodfeathers, but Bobby puts a zeppelin in the way.)

*Squit: What a great idea. Which wise guy thought that up?

*Bobby: That was me. I must be part owl.

*Pesto: Hey, Bobby don't get ideas too often, but when he does they're regular cappuccinos.

*General 2: Brilliant attack, General Storr.

*General 1: Thank you, General Admission. I was able to sweep the enemy from the field, dust his flanks, and wash and wax his rear echelons. But I never would have had to attack if you hadn't ignored my message to retreat. Why did you ignore my message?

*General 2: What message?

(Goodfeathers come in.)

*General 2: Why, I guess you mean this message.

(Both laugh)

*General 1: Oh, jolly good.

*Squit: Yeah, they sure were happy to get our message. And so we were heroes. We couldn't wait to get back to the States, though, 'cause we wanted everybody to know what bigtime heroes we were. Too bad we didn't get any medals. But I guess they just don't have any big enough for us Goodfeathers.

*Pesto: "Big?" What do you mean by "big"? Are you tryin' to say I'm fat? Some kind of roly-poly chicken leg for your matzo ball soup? A chunk of fat meant to up your cholesterol level?

*Squit: Oh, no. I just meant that we're, like, big shots, ya know? Heavy hitters.

*Pesto: Ah, now I'm a heavy hitter. I'll give ya a heavy hit in the head. Here (fights). Take that. I'll give you "big. "

*Squit: Oh, come on!

(Bobby laughs)

*Pesto: I'll give you Tom Hanks upside the head, that's what! Come here. Here!

Boot Camping[]

*Sergeant (chanting):

Left, left, left, right, left.

Recruits smell and that's no lie

Hate your guts gonna make you cry

Call me smart call me inspired

You're gonna march till I get tired

(spoken)

I love my job.

(Soldier arrives in the car)

*Soldier: Hey, sarge. The new recruits are here.

*Sergeant: Fresh meat. (Chuckles)

(Bonk. Sergeant drives with soldier. Warner Trio comes out of bus.)

*Yakko: Excuse us. pardon us. Coming through. Ah, summer camp at last. Eight weeks of fun, fun, fun.

*Dot (dressed in duck floater): Swimming and canoe racing.

*Wakko: Mosquitoes and bear attacks.

*Yakko: And not just any old camp (gets binoculars), boot camp.

*Dot: Like Imelda Marcos, I've always adored boots. Hello, nurse. Hi, Mr. Camp Counselor. I'd like size three EEE boots with fringe and little pink bows on the toes, please. (Wiggling her toes in the Camp Counselor's face)

*Dot: Get back in line, soldier.

*Dot: (Sniffs) Ew, who's P-yew?

*Sergeant: (Giggles sheepishly)

*Yakko: Psst! Down here. Say, is there a girls' camp across the lake? You know. Hello, nurse.

*Sergeant: Fall in! Get up! Now, fall in! Get up and fall in!

*Yakko: Is this part of our camp initiation? Frankly, we'd prefer the spanking machine.

*Sergeant: Get up and get in line!

*Yakko: Well why didn't you say that in the first place?

*Sergeant: Who do you think you are?

*Yakko: We think, therefore we are the Warner brothers.

*Dot: And the Warner sister.

*Wakko: Glad to make my acquaintance (takes watch).

*Sergeant: (Grunts,) Give me that back, you little Gila monster (takes watch).

*Yakko: All of it, Wakko.

(Wakko gives back wallet, id cards, pen, teddy bear underwear, pink shirt)

*Yakko: Excuse me, Mr. Camp Counselor, but, uh, when do we get to sing "Kumbaya"?

*Sergeant: I am not a camp counselor. I am your drill instructor. This is the army, soldier!

*Yakko: The Army?

*Dot: Well, it's been fun. Gotta go.

*Wakko: Buh-bye.

*Sergeant: Get back here (grabs). From now on, this Army will be your home. I will be your mother, father, aunt and uncle.

*Warner Trio: A family! Mwah (kisses)!

*Sergeant: Stop that, you- You- You- What are you, anyway?

*Dot: Infested with fleas.

(Hair being shaved)

*Shaver: Oh, take off your hat. Oh, that one too. Uh, that one too. Ooh. Hm. (Hats land on Wakko, growls)

*Wakko: Hat's all, folks.

*Shaver: Behave yourself or I'll get real mad. Oh, yes I will, real mad.

(Shaver shaves off stripe, Wakko paints it on again. This continues until Wakko shaves off a part of the shaver's head. The shaver paints a part of hair, then Wakko paints the moustache. Then shaver shaves off the top part of the hair. Then Wakko gives the shaver a coin and runs off.)

And I thought Opie was naughty.

(Warner Trio holds sheets)

*Wakko: I don't want to be in the Army, Yakko. What are we gonna do?

*Yakko: Uhh... I'm leaning heavily toward fleeing.

*Sergeant: To the left, right, left. Your left. To the left. To the left, right, left.

(singing)

I don't know but I've been told

Army life is mighty bold

Every night before retreat-

*Yakko:

We order out for luncheon meat.

(Sergeant kicks Warner Trio)

*Sergeant: Platoon, get back to the barracks. As for you three, I've had it.

*Dot: Good. Does that mean we can leave?

*Sergeant: No, Private Cute Boots. From now on, I'm training you to become agents of total destruction.

*Yakko: But we don't want to be mailmen. We'd rather work for a living.

(Warner Trio holds shovel, Dot spray paints boots pink.)

*Sergeant: Detail, halt. A foxhole is a soldier's best friend.

*Yakko: Must be hard to go to the movies together.

*Sergeant: Dig!

(All dig down, fox comes out.)

*Sergeant: Huh?

*Warner Trio: We'd move if we were you.

*Sergeant: (Screams)

*Wakko: Did we dig it deep enough?

(Sergeant falls down, thud.)

*Sergeant: This is the grenade range. You will learn all about the standard M26-A1-F472918-A fragmentation device. Just pull the pin and throw.

(Wakko pulls pin, throws pin.)

*Sergeant: Throw the grenade!

*Dot: You said throw the pin.

*Sergeant: I meant pull the pin and throw the grenade!

*Wakko: I'm all confused. You do it.

(Sergeant fumbles with grenade, explodes.)

*Sergeant: Normally, parachuting is reserved for well-trained, elite troops. But in your case, I'm gonna make an exception. (Chuckles)

(All go off plane)

Sergeant: Geronimo!

*Warner Trio: Sitting Bull!

*Yakko: By the way, we took your dirty sheets to the laundry.

*Sergeant: What dirty sheets?

*Yakko: The ones you stuffed in your knapsack.

*Sergeant: Huh? Aaah! Ohhh!

*Yakko: No starch, right?

(Sergeant crashes into floor)

*Wakko: (in glorious 60fps) Don't worry, kids. It's almost over.

*Sergeant (dressed in casual outfit): Come on, guys. Let's go camping. Build a campfire, make s'mores, sing songs. Come on.

*All (singing):

Do your ears hang low?

Do they wobble to and fro?

Can you tie 'em in a knot?

Can you tie 'em in a bow?

Can you throw 'em over your shoulder

Like a Continental soldier?

Do your ears hang low?

*Dot (spoken): Camp is okay, but these pink boots are killing me.

Chicken Boo intro[]

*Narrator:

Chicken Boo, what's the matter with you?

You don't act like the other chickens do...

You wear a disguise to look like human guys

But you're not a man you're a chicken, Boo.

General Boo-Regard[]

*Man 1: I'm so hungry I could eat the hind shank of a porcupine.

*Man 2: I could eat a whole porcupine, plus the front shank of a skunk.

*Man 3: I could eat me a whole porcupine, a whole skunk, a weasel's giblets, and the horse you rode in on.

(Horse snorts)

*Man 3: It's Lieutenant Colonel Sanders.

*Sanders: At ease, men. I got news. Y'all heard of General Boo-Regard?

*Man 1: Only that he's the greatest soldier ever lived.

*Sanders: Well, he's coming to lead us to victory at Appomattox.

(Horse whinnies, Sanders gasps)

*Sanders: It's General Boo-Regard. Atten-tion! Lieutenant Colonel Sanders at your service, general.

*Man 1: General Boo-Regard, we done hear tell you whupped General Grant at Shiloh.

*Man 2: We done hear tell you beat General Sherman in Atlanta.

*Man 3: I done hear tell you're a chicken.

(Both gasp)

*Man 2: You yellow-bellied-

*Man 1: Two-bit, Yankee-loving-

*Man 2: -cotton-brained boll weevil.

*Sanders: (chuckles) Uh, he didn't mean that, sir. He's just hungry, and hungry men say crazy things.

*Man 3: Ain't not so too 'cause I'm hungry. He's a chicken, I tell ya!

*Sanders: The South will rise again. Three cheers for General Boo-Regard. Hip, hip, hooray!

*All: Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!

*Big ears: Their commanding general is Boo-Regard.

*Side barbs: They call him the scourge of the South. He don't take prisoners.

*Big ears: We're done for.

(Cannon shoots off hat of Boo, horse whinnies.)

Soldiers: (Sigh)

*Big ears: Ha! He's a chicken.

(Both laugh, cluck, Boo clucks)

*Man 3: I told you that guy's a chicken.

*Sanders: A chicken big enough to feed an army.

*Big ears: Hold it, fellers. That there chicken's big enough to feed an army.

(All tackle, Chicken Boo clucks and flies away)

*Narrator:

You wear a disguise to look like human guys,

But you're not a man you're a chicken Boo

End[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Bobby: Hey, stay coo.

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