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Theme song[]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-

Totally insane-y

Come back Shane-y

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Opening segment[]

(Yakko, Wakko and Dot set a long wooden plank down and ride down in a wooden transportation device with 4 wheels.)

H.M.S. Yakko[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot (singing):

We surf the sea, the Warners we three be.

To catch a gaze of the beach to get some raise.

We'll never sink, Our board's not wat'cha think,

It's got a tail; in fact it is a whale.

(instrumental)

*Dot (spoken): So long, pal.

*Wakko: Stay out of trouble.

*Yakko: Thanks for the ride!

*Dot: See ya after the show!

*Yakko: What about for sushi?

(whale splash)

*Yakko and Wakko (singing):

Yes, brothers, Warner we,

*Dot:

And the Warner sister.

*Yakko:

You'd like her if you kissed her.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

We surf the seven seas,

Now it's time to catch some z's

HEY!

*Yakko (spoken): Come siblings.

(minor violin music)

*Yakko: How about right here? It's so cheery. Wakko?

*Wakko: (pulls out an umbrella, 3 towels and a box out of his bag)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: (sleep)

(more minor violin music)

*Cap'n Mel (singing on his pirate ship):

I am the evil pirate captain Mel.

*Crewmates:

And a really evil pirate too.

*Cap'n Mel:

You're very very kind, I'm an evil mastermind,

And I'll do cruel things to you.

*Crewmates:

We are very very very kind, he's an evil mastermind,

And he'll do cruel things to you.

*Cap'n Mel:

I'll kick you in the knee, poke your eyes so you can't see

And hit you with my sword

Though I be a pirate swine, I have to draw the line,

So I will not push you overboard.

*Crewmates:

What, never?

*Cap'n Mel:

No, never.

*Crewmates:

What, never?

*Cap'n Mel:

Hardly ever!

*Cap'n Mel (spoken): Ha ha haa ha haa haa haaa. (panic music), (gasp). They be trespassing on me pirate property. I'll show them, I will! Woah! (splash, falls in a boat).

*Yakko: Hey! Ooh, it's our new best friend.

*Cap'n Mel: Who be ye?

*Yakko: Ye be we. We're the Warner Brothers.

*Dot: And the Warner Sister.

*Cap'n Mel: Ye be trespassers on my private pirate property.

*Wakko: Bet you can't say that three times, fast.

*Cap'n Mel: Pirate (incomprehensible) pi-per

*Wakko: You lose. (whacks Mel with mallet, fart noise)

*Cap'n Mel: Rrggggrgh. The penalty for trespassing is death.

*Wakko: Faboo!

*Yakko: You can't kill us, ya hardly know us. So-uh- how's about a kiss? (rejected) Song break!

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot (singing):

'Gosh we're scared of us, we're frightened

'Cause our 'itty 'bitty new friend has his

'Teeny weeny brain all set on

Blowing us to bits, oh how

Horrible, deplorible,

this really is the pits

*all:

We should run and we should flee,

Then where would our story be,

This could spell out bitter end for

animated kids like them.

*Yakko:

For the oldest Warner Brother.

*Dot:

And his pretty Warner Sister.

*Wakko:

And the other Warner Brother.

*Cap'n Mel:

Their small lives I will smother.

They should run and they should flee,

Then where would this story be,

This-

*Yakko(spoken): Bon voyage-e

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Buh-bye! (they row away with previous boat)

*Cap'n Mel: Come back here you piles of sluggish sea slime! Rrrr.

(minor brass music)

*Cap'n Mel: (laughing) Arr.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: (fish then show banner, "wish you were here")

*Cap'n Mel: Rarr. (shoots harpoon, gets shark) (laughs and sends shark back), (sighs)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Arr.

*Yakko: Arr.

*Wakko: Arr.

*Dot: Arr.

Random order of previous 3 lines for 5 seconds

*Wakko: Arr. Yarr. Arr, Arr, Arr! Yarr.

*Yakko: Too big.

*Wakko: Arr.

*Yakko: Better.

*Cap'n Mel: I'll teach you three scallawags to mess with the likes of me. (walks away, comes back with chest) Choose your weapon.

*Yakko: Okay. How's This? (very big cannon)

*Cap'n Mel: (loud gasp). How did ye do that?

*Yakko: Aah, you mean with the big comedy cannon? You really wanna know?

*Cap'n Mel: Arr.

*Yakko: I'll take that as a yes.

(music)

*Yakko (singing):

I am the very model of a cartoon individual,

My animation's comical and usual and whimsical.

I'm quite adept at funny gags, comedic theory I have read

From wicked puns and stupid jokes to anvils that drop on your head.


I'm very good at fancy dances, I can even pirouette,

Then smack the villain with a fish. I know my cartoon etiquette.

I can make my face all mean and really give you quite a fright,

Then make up with flowers made of real explosive dynamite.


When in a jam, I just yell, "Stop!" and villains in their tracks are froze,

Then I sneak up, and utter "Start!" and take their hands and honk their nose.

I am quite proud to be in such a hierarch'al progeny,

From Daffy Duck and Tweety Bird to Babs and Buster Bunny.


To suit my mood, I can call forth a lot of different sceneries,

Like outer space and desert scapes and Himalayan eateries.

From this bag here, why, I can pull most anything imaginable

Like office desks and lava lights and Bert who is a cannibal.


*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

You see in matters comical, unusual and whimsical,

We are the very model of cartoon individuals!

Slappy Squirrel intro[]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: The crankiest of creatures in the whole wide world, our next cartoon features Slappy the Squirrel!

*Slappy; E-nough with the singing already!

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: That's Slapp-y

Slappy Goes Walnuts[]

(swing music)

*TV (young Slappy): Dah da Dee Da de da dee dee duh de duh da dah (off key)

*TV (Walter Wolf): Walks over, tries to eat Slappy, but she throws red hot metals into his mouth.

*TV (young Slappy): (hits walter with a hammer)

*TV (Walter Wolf): (Falls very far)

*Slappy: Wild take number 32. Hah ha. Regular as clockwork, (burps) wish everything was regular as clockwork.

*TV (Walter Wolf): (hits the ground, turns into 3 babies, which cry)

*TV (young Slappy): If there's one thing that I hate,

*TV (young Slappy) and Slappy: It's a crybaby. (Laughs)

*TV (young Slappy): Now that's com-

*TV (cereal commercial, singing): Totally awesome Acme Snax, they are fun and energy packed, sugar coated sugar sacs.

*Slappy: Eh, stop it. Flipping network cuts out my famous end line for some (razza-flavin'?) crudball commercial. Ehh, somebody get me a peen-ball hammer. Who is it?

*Skippy: Aunt Slappy!

*Slappy: What can I do? He's my nephew. Hello Skippy.

*Skippy: Hi! What happened to your TV set?

*Slappy: It's having a bad day. Pardon me, but you've got a little excess energy there Skippy.

*Skippy: Must be these totally awesome ACME Snax. Want some?

*Slappy: Now there's a colour found in nature.

*Skippy: Neat huh!

*Garbage disposal: Blech!

*Slappy: Ehh, no wonder you like that "bonkers" show. That junk's rottin' out yer brain there.

*Skippy: What'cha looking for?

*Slappy: I'm gonna make you some brain food. That's right, my famous walnut fig-dough surprise.

*Skippy: What's the surprise?

*Slappy: I'm outta walnuts. C'mon. Let's go visit Doug the dog. We'll get some walnuts out of his old walnut tree.

*Skippy: Doug the dog!? But he hates you, Aunt Slappy! He's been trying to eat you for YEARS!

*Slappy: Thank you, mister exposition. (door slam)

(Animaniacs Theme)

*Skippy: I don't know aunt Slappy. I think we should just go to the store and buy a pack of walnuts.

*Slappy: Oh yeah, we'll have 'em in hysterics with that bit. Six minutes in a checkout line. Ooh, somebody stop me. I'm laughin'.

*Doug: (growl snort)

*Skippy: But Doug the dog is mean!

*Slappy: Look, you've seen all my old cartoons, right?

*Skippy: About a trillion times!

*Slappy: I've wrestled with Walter Wolf, Sid the squid and Beany the brain dead bison (morphs into their shapes). This Doug guy here's nothin'.

*Skippy: Yeah, but those were cartoons and this is real life!

*Slappy: Don't tell him. He might crack. Look Skippy, I've seen and done every trick in the book. Hold it there, you're doing the old frozen take bit which means that Doug the dog... ...was right behind me. Heh heh heh heh.

*Skippy: That was just like in "Prehistoric Slappy".

*Slappy: That was "Cave Girl Slappy", 1932 directed by Piz Peeners. Ehh, but let's not be anal. Let's get some walnuts.

*Doug: Garrrgh!

*Slappy: Hold it! Encheritos! Get your encheritos here. Encherito, mister?

*Doug: (nods while panting)

*Slappy: Ah, I can tell you're the kinda guy that likes 'em extra hot! Here you go amigo!

*Doug: (boom)

*Slappy: What a schmutz. Here, put 'em under your pillow tonight. Maybe you'll get some dimes.

*Skippy: Gr-eat!

*Doug: (thud , pant)

(change scene, same area)

*Slappy: Oops. Sorry. Arthritis. My grip ain't what it used to be.

*Doug: Grrr. (Hit's head on Slappy's pan)

*Slappy: You remind me of a very young Scooby Doo. Ooh, that's sad.

*Doug: (xylophone noises), Hee hee hah hah

*Slappy: Aww, gee. It's a xylophone. I wonder who it's from? (written and spoken) "Dear Slappy, I'm so sorry about everything. Let's be pals. This is a small token of my esteem, Doug the dog." I think I'll play "Those Endearing Young Charms".

*Skippy: No, not that!

*Doug: Hee hee heh hah

*Slappy: (Plays Those Endearing Young Charms, Doug explodes), Old gag, new twist. Hah ha ha ha ha. Remember Skippy, never leave a mess when you're visiting someone else's home.

*Skippy: Right.

*Doug: (laughs, sets up tv area with leads and popcorn)

*Slappy: Ah, here we go. The last two nuts. Ohh-ah, what the heck is this? "The Wonderful World of Walnuts". I hear Buddy Hackett's very good in this.

*TV (narrator, singing): The world is a carousel of walnuts. Beautiful, colourful, walnuts. (end singing) Now as we all know, walnuts grow on trees.

*Slappy: Ehh, what's the matter with this thing? Cheesy piece of hooey manure. (Doug gets dragged into the TV), Eh, that's even worse.

*TV (narrator): This frisky little fella makes his home in the hollow of an old tree. A squirrel likes to hide his nuts in many odd places where the sun doesn't shine on 'em.

*Slappy: Thanks for the walnuts!

*Doug: (Collides into tree, walnuts fall playing Those Endearing Young Charms) Phew

*Slappy: Hey! Lionel Hampton! These last two nuts you gave me are rotten! (boom, Those Endearing Young Charms continues) That's a catchy tune. Hah hah hah hah hah. Ehh, somebody stop me. (back home, inhales, exhales), Ahh. Now this is brain food. (doorbell) Somebody shoot me. Ehh, look at this. Hi grandma, how the heck are yah? Ahh, you shouldn't have. (blows away fuse given by Doug) Let's see here, I've bonked him, flattened his head and blown him up. What am I forgetting?

*Skippy: I know!

*Slappy: Told you my walnut figdough was brain food. Hah hah ha hah. Now that's comedy!

Yakko's Universe[]

(music)

*Yakko:

Everybody lives on a street in a city

Or a village or a town for what it's worth.

And they're all inside a country which is part of a continent

That sits upon a planet known as Earth.

And the Earth is a ball full of oceans and some mountains

Which is out there spinning silently in space.

And living on that Earth are the plants and the animals

And also the entire human race.


It's a great big universe

And we're all really puny.

We're just tiny little specks

About the size of Mickey Rooney.

It's big and black and inky

And we are small and dinky

It's a big universe and we're not.

(G augmented chord)

And we're part of a vast interplanetary system

Stretching seven hundred billion miles long.

With nine planets and a sun; we think the Earth's the only one

That has life on it, although we could be wrong.

Across the interstellar voids are a billion asteroids

Including meteors and Halley's Comet too.

And there's over fifty moons floating out there like balloons

In a panoramic trillion-mile view.


And still it's all a speck amid a hundred billion stars

In a galaxy we call the Milky Way.

It's sixty thousand trillion miles from one end to the other

And still that's just a fraction of the way.

'Cause there's a hundred billion galaxies that stretch across the sky

Filled with constellations, planets, moons and stars.

And still the universe extends to a place that never ends

Which is maybe just inside a little jar!


*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's a great big universe

And we're all really puny.

We're just tiny little specks

About the size of Mickey Rooney.

Though we don't know how it got here

We're an important part here

It's a big universe and it's ours!

End[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: We are the very models of cartoon individuals

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