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Opening segment[]

(The final scene of Casablanca begins to play out in black and white. A plane starts as Humphrey Bogart's character, Rick Blaine, stands with a woman seen from the rear.)

*Bogart: What I'm doing you can't follow. What I've got to do you can't be any part of. Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

*Woman: (softly sniffles)

*Bogart: Now, now. Here's looking at you, kid.

(The woman is shown to actually have Dot's face!)

*Dot: HELLOOOOO, nurse!

*Bogart: Huh?

(Dot jumps out of her dress and wig, and vigorously kisses Bogart many times.)

*Director: Cut!

Theme song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script,

Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-

Totally insane-y

*Yakko Warner:

(Heavy eyebrow twitching)

Dana Delane-y

*All:

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Opening Segment[]

(Wakko looks out, draws door on water tower, and button. Wakko presses button, and Dot is revealed in there. The water tower top falls down and Warners run out)

Fair Game[]

(Claps)

*Announcer: Today, one of our contestants could win one of these fabulous prizes: His-and-her beverage caddies.

*Crowd: Ooh!

*Announcer: A lifetime supply of automatic-transmission fluid.

*Crowd: Aah!

*Announcer: Or today's grand prize: a fabulous six-month vacation for one to... the Rock of Gibraltar.

*Crowd: Ooh!

*Announcer: Here today on: Quiz Me Quick.

(Applause, cheering.)

*Announcer: Now, welcome your host: Ned Flat.

(Applause)

*Ned: Hey, hey, hey, everybody, welcome to the show. Now, what do you say we say hello to today's contestants: The Warner brothers.

(Applause)

*Dot: And the Warner sister.

*Ned: (Chuckles) Before we begin, what do you say we get to knoooow you a little.

*Yakko: I'm Yakko.

*Wakko: I'm Wakko.

*Dot: And I'm cute, you big lug. Mwah (kisses Ned).

*Ned: Hey, it says here that you live in a tower.

*Yakko: That's right, Ned.

*Ned: Heh-heh. Well, tell us a little bit about it.

(All think)

*Yakko: We live in a tower, Ned.

*Ned: Okay, fair enough. Let's get to the game, shall we? Remember, when you're set to answer a question, just hit the black buzzer in front of you.

(All nod)

*Ned: Now, here's your first question.

(Buzz)

*Yakko: Isaac Newton.

*Ned: (chuckles) Uh, wait for the question.

(Buzz)

*Wakko: Isaac Newton?

*Ned: Didn't you hear me?

(Buzz)

*Yakko: Yes, I did.

*Warners: Good answer.

*Dot: All right, way to go.

*Wakko: Okay.

*Ned: Are you going to wait for the question?

(Buzz)

*Dot: No.

*Warners: Good answer. (Cheer) Good answer, Dot.

*Dot: Yeah.

*Ned: Heh. Look. Don't buzz in until you can say the answer.

(Buzz)

*Yakko: "The answer."

*Dot: Good answer, Yakko, yeah.

*Wakko: Yes. That was fabu.

*Ned: Very well. The answer is what?

*Yakko: It is? What was the question?

*Ned: I don't know.

*Yakko: Then don't buzz in.

*Ned: I didn't buzz in!

*Yakko: Then you can't answer the question.

*Ned: Do you think this is funny?

*Dot: (Buzz) Yes. Alright!

*Wakko: Good answer.

*Yakko: Yeah!

*Ned: (Sighs) All right, let's start again. Now-

*Wakko: (Buzz) Sorry. My hand slipped. (Buzz) Isaac Newton?

*Ned: You're not buzzing in until I ask the question. Who first identified the laws of gravity? Go.

*Yakko: Hm.

*Dot: Boy, that's a tough one.

*Yakko: Shelley Winters? No.

*Dot: Um

*Yakko: Red But--? No. (Buzz)

*Ned: Yakko?

*Yakko: Uhh... What was the question?

*Ned: Repeating the question, who... first identified the law of gravity?

*Yakko: Hm, gravity?

*Wakko: Was it Don Knotts?

*Yakko: No, wasn't Red Buttons.

*Dot: Uhh... um uh.

(Buzz)

*Ned: Wakko?

*Wakko: Isaac- What was the question?

*Ned: (Gasps) Who identified the laws of gravity? Answer now!

(Buzz)

*Yakko: Tori Spelling?

*Ned: No.

(Buzz)

*Dot: David Hasselhoff?

*Ned: No!

(Buzz)

*Wakko: Isaac-

*Ned: Newton! Isaac Newton!

(Many buzzes)

*Warners: Isaac Newton? Good answer.

*Yakko: Yeah. All right.

*Dot: All right!

(Dinging

*Ned: (Fire starts on head, steam comes out) Why are you acting like this?

*Yakko: We're not acting. We really are like this.

*Wakko: Aren't we lucky?

*Ned: Die!

(Dings)

*Ned: Ah. That signals the end of round one. Time for round two.

(Buzz)

*Ned: Just stop buzzing those buzzers!

(Buzz)

*Wakko: Sorry. Slipped again.

(Ned growls. Rips off buzzers))

*Ned: There. How do you like that?

(Wakko buzzes his nose.)

*Wakko: We like it very much?

*Warners: Good answer.

*Dot: All right, yeah. Yeah, that's it. Alright.

*Ned: That's it. We're skipping ahead and getting this thing over with now! On to the lightning round!

(Applause)

*Dot: Oh, goody. We're doing well.

*Wakko: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

(Panel opens)

*Ned: Now, one of you can play the lightning round. Who's it gonna be?

(Warners speak over each other)

*Wakko: You go first. You'll do better. Come on, you.

*Yakko: No, you go. No, I went.

*Dot: I- no, you go. You go first.

*Ned: Who's it going to be?

*Yakko/Wakko/Dot: Dot/Yakko/Yakko. Wakko/Dot/Yakko.

(All) Wakko.

*Wakko: I guess it's me.

*Ned: Fine. Wakko, you will have 15 seconds to solve the lightning-round puzzle. The correct answer wins the grand prize. Ready?

*Wakko: Ready. Hmm. (ding) Eye. No, eyes. (ding) Plus tack. Minus T Ack! (ding) Eyes-ack Isaac. (Dings) (Laughs). Uh, lizard, dragon... newt. It's a newt. (ding) Isaac Newt. Hmm. That's a ton. I've got it! Isaac newt-weight!

*Ned: No.

*Wakko: Isaac Newt-heavy.

*Ned: No.

*Wakko: Isaac Newt-trapezoid?

*Ned: No! No! No! Look, you can all try. I don't care. Whoever says the correct answer wins, all right?

*Wakko: Isaac Newt-anvil?

*Dot: Isaac Newt-gray thing?

*Yakko: Isaac Newt-Tori Spelling?

*Ned: No. Newt-ton. Isaac Newton. (Ding) It's Isaac Newton.

*Warners: Good answer. Good answer. Good answer, Ned.

*Announcer: Congratulations, Ned Flat. That's correct. And you're today's grand-prize winner.

*Ned: Huh?

*Announcer: You're off on a fabulous six-month vacation for one to the Rock of Gibraltar.

(Applause)

*Ned: But- But- I don't want to go there. I don't wanna! Send the fuzzy heads. No! No!

(Tires screech, Ned sent away.)

*Wakko: I wanted to win.

*Dot: It's okay, Wakko. Remember: it's not whether you win or lose.

*Yakko: It's who you're with at the end of the show.

*Warners: Hello, nurse! Mwah! (kiss person of opposite gender)

Intermission[]

(Ralph chases. Warners go up elevator, then come down. Ralph waves and goes into elevator, then goes down.)

The Slapper[]

*Narrator: Has this ever happened to you?

*Slappy: Can we change the channel to something without Bob Saget in it?

*Walter: No.

*Narrator: Well, now there's a fabulous product that can smooth the edges off life's little annoyances.

*Slappy: Ah, give me the remote control, already.

*Walter: No!

*Slappy: (Claps twice)

(Out of purse comes hand, which slams Walter.)

*Walter: Oof! Here you go.

*Slappy: You're too kind.

*Narrator: It's the Slapper.

*Chorus: (singing)

Slap on

(Slappy claps twice)

Slap off,

Slap on, slap off

(Slappy claps twice)

The Slapper.

*Slappy (spoken): Works for me.

Pinky and The Brain intro[]

*Pinky: Gee, Brain, what do you wanna do tonight?

*Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world.

*Warners: (singing)

They're Pinky and the Brain

Yes, Pinky and the Brain,

One is a genius, the other's insane

They're laboratory mice

Their genes have been spliced

*Wakko and Dot:

(Shot goes away from them, until the door of the Acme labs slams shut.)

They're dinky they're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,

*Yakko:

Brain

Puppet Rulers[]

(Chalkboard with lots of writing)

*Albert Einstein: There. Albert Einstein's latest experiment will be a powerful success. (Einstein makes a train run) Powerful enough to pull five boxcars and a little caboose.

*Brain: Finished, Pinky! With this cryonic capsule, we shall freeze ourselves and reawaken forty years in the future.

*Pinky: Egad, Brain! What will we do in the future?

*Brain: I don't know yet, Pinky. But it has to be better than what we're doing now.

*Children: Uncle Albert, uncle Albert. It's time!

*Albert Einstein: But, kiddies, Uncle Albert's doing an experiment. And- Did you say, "It's time"?

*TV: Hey, kids. What time is it?

*All: It's time for Meany! Yay!

*TV: Oh, Meany? Where are you today? Your pal Treacle's come out to play.

*TV (horned): Eat smoke, you dirty lamprey.

*TV: (Chuckles) Aw, cut it out, Meany.

(All laugh)

*Girl: I love Meany and Treacle.

*Boy: I wish Meany and Treacle was president.

*Brain: (Gets idea) Pinky. Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

*Pinky: Well, I think so, Brain. But we'll never get a monkey to use dental floss.

*Brain: No, Pinky! We shall become characters on that insipid puppet show. I will endear myself in the hearts of the children. Then we shall freeze ourselves for 40 years. And when we thaw out, those children will be the leaders of the world, and they will adore me, making it simple to take over the world.

*Pinky: Egad, Brain. brilliant. Oh, oh. Just one little technical question, Brain. On the show, can I call meself "Big Ears"?

*Brain: You may call yourself Mary Pickford for all I care, Pinky. I shall be known as the Iconoclast, an unconventional eccentric who marches to a different drummer.

*Pinky: Oh. I thought maybe you could be "Noodle Noggin."

*Brain: Come, Pinky. Your mind belongs on television.

(The scene cuts to Acme Television.)

*Manager: I tell you, these Meany and Treacle dolls are selling like crazy. But we need more merchandise. New characters, that's what we need. I want new puppet characters on the next show. (Sighs)

*Man: If I could come up with new stuff, I wouldn't be a puppeteer.

*Mailman: Mail for you.

*Pinky and The Brain: Greetings!

*Man: Oh, my gosh! Talking puppets.

*Brain: Actually, we are two laboratory mice who wish to be on your show as part of an intricate plan to take over the world.

*Man: Wow. These are really good.

*Manager: Meany and Treacle. Two minutes to airtime.

(Man runs off)

*Protagonist: Hey, kids. What time is it?

*All: It's time for Meany!

*Protagonist: Hold it, Meany. Everyone must meet our two new friends. (Pinky and the Brain) This is Big Ears. Take a bow, Big Ears.

(Pinky takes a bow and wiggles his ears.)

*All: Yay! Yay!

*Brain: And I am the Iconoclast, an unconventional eccentric who marches to a different drummer.

(Meany whacks Brain)

*All: (Laughing and Cheering)

*Brain: Oh, But you may call me Noodle Noggin.

*All: Noodle Noggin! Noodle Noggin! (All laugh)

*Pinky: Hey, kids, can you do this? (Wiggles his ears)

*Kid: Wow. Big Ears is a genius.

*Pinky: Zort! Oh, it's a really yummy, sunny day today.

*Brain: Actually, the Earth's atmosphere causes solar-light molecules to refract, resulting in a pleasing, albeit illusory, phenomenon- (whacked) Which I call a yummy, sunny day.

(All laugh)

*Pinky: Narf! Don't you wish this could last forever, Brain?

*Brain: That depends on your threshold of pain.

(Big Ears and Noodle Noggin)

*Pinky: Ooh! Hey, Noodle Noggin. Isn't dancing fun, fun, silly-willy?

*Brain: Actually, the random gyration of appendages is- (whacked) fun, fun, silly-willy.

(Kids cheer, Pinky wiggles ears)

*All: Yeah!

*Pinky: Until tomorrow

*Both: Love, luck and lollipops.

*All: Love, luck and lollipops.

(Rumbling, kids rush into Acme toys, which says Big Ears and Noodle noggin dolls now in stock!)

(Mindy and Buttons run in)

(Kids take all toys, leave giant pile of money)

*Bill Clinton (young): I'd like to buy these please, thank you.

*TV (JFK): And I know other Americans join with me in saying: Ich bein ein Noodle Noggin.

(Crowd cheers)

*Kids: Big Ears. Noodle Noggin. Big Ears. Noodle Noggin. Big Ears.

*All: Yay!

(Crowd cheers.)

*Brain: Today, Big Ears and I have an important announcement to make. This program has been our last show.

(All gasp)

*Both: Love, luck and lollipops.

(All gasp)

*Brain: Quick, Pinky! Our cryogenic capsule awaits.

*Pinky: But, Brain. Why are we freezing ourselves at the height of our popularity?

*Brain: To stay fresh in their memory, Pinky. We must, to paraphrase Milton Berle, "leave them wanting more". See you in the future, Pinky, when tomorrow's leaders will give us the world.

(Time skip 30 years. Alarm bell rings.)

*Brain: It's the '90s, Pinky. Do you realize what this means?

*Pinky: Uh. We missed the disco years?

*Brain: Come, Pinky, or I shall have to hurt you.

(Machine beeps)

*Man: (Laughs) Oh, and wait till you get a load of this lawn ch-

*Brain: Greetings, everyone. Remember me? It's your old pal the Iconoclast, a.k.a. Noodle Noggin.

*Pinky: And, zort, (wiggles his ears) his pal, Big Ears.

*Brain: Yes. We've come back to invite all our original fans out there, now all grown-up, to come down here and shower their beloved childhood pals

(Adults gasp)

*Brain: with heartfelt, loving affection and generous material gifts.

*All: Them.

*Brain: At long last we can write our own ticket, Pinky. No more inglorious suffering.

*Pinky: Narf, Brain, what's that sound?

*Crowd: Big Ears, Noodle Noggin. Big Ears, Noodle Noggin. Big Ears, Noodle Noggin.

*Brain: At last, my public has come to shower me with gifts.

*Man: Guess again, Noodle Noggin. Huh?

*Woman: You abandoned us.

*Man: You went away.

*All: You ruined our lives.

*Brain: You don't want to give me your devotion and total rule?

*Man: No. We wanna give you our therapy bills. Pay 'em!

*Brain: Run, Pinky!

(Crowd chases angrily.)

*Brain: Come, Pinky! We have work to do.

*Pinky: You mean taking over the world?

*Brain: No, Pinky! Finding a good hiding place.

(Pinky screams, crowd chases angrily.)

*Crowd: They're dinky they're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain

Wheel of Morality[]

(Warners screech to a halt)

*Yakko: It's that time again.

*Dot: To make a cheese sandwich?

*Wakko: To make the Fox censors cry?

*Yakko: No. It's time to learn the day's lesson. And to find out what it is, we turn to the Wheel of Morality. Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn. Moral number one. And the moral of today's story is: vote early and vote often.

*Dot: How profound.

*Wakko: Pat, I'd like to buy a vowel.

*Yakko: Wrong wheel.

*Wakko: Oh. Sorry.

(Whistle)

*Warners: Yike!

(Ralph chases Warners.)

End[]

(Warners run, Wakko takes a button up-sign and puts it on the framework. The Warners make the water tower go down. and escape. Ralph presses button, but is squashed by anvil. Warners go inside water tower.)

(Animaniacs theme instrumental, followed by an instrumental Mulberry Bush)

*Wakko: Lather. (Soap on hat.)

*Dot: Rinse. (Sprays Wakko.)

*Yakko: Repeat. (Drops tub of water on both.)

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