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Newsreel of the stars[]

*Narrator: "Newsreel of the Stars," dateline Hollywood 1930. The Warner Brothers studio. Here at the studio's new animation department, the artists toil endlessly to come up with cartoon stars. Ultimately creating three new characters: the Warner Brothers and their sister Dot.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Hello, nurse!

*Narrator: Unfortunately, the Warner kids went totally out of control.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy!

*Narrator: The trio ran amok throughout the studio...until their capture. The Warners' films, which made absolutely no sense, were locked away in the studio vault, never to be released. As for the Warners themselves, they were locked away in the studio water tower, also never to be released. Publicly, the studio has disavowed any knowledge of the Warners' existence to this very day...when the Warners escaped!

Theme song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-

Totally insane-y

*Dot:

Here's the show's name-y

*All:

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Buttermilk, It Makes A Body Bitter[]

(Muscly blonde looks at young Slappy, then looks away, disinterested.)

*Slappy: Sure, you may turn away from me now, but as long as I keep drinking my buttermilk, (age) I can count on growing up with a serious lactose intolerance. (Burp, age) And even though I won't be able to digest the stuff, I'm gonna keep drinkin' my buttermilk. (Age) 'Cause it'll always remind me of you and the way you snubbed me when I was young and innocent. (Age) In fact, in later years, I'll become downright obsessed with that memory. Yeah, I'll spend years trackin' you down. And when I find ya, I'll give you exactly what you deserve, you no-good, heartless, half-witted yutz! (Throws bomb and doves for cover, the bomb blows up, laughing)

*Announcer: Buttermilk, it makes a body bitter.

*Slappy: Ah, what do you know? (Throws bomb.)

Broadcast Nuisance[]

*Dan: And now, some sad news. And now, some (sniffles, mirror) sad news.

*Man: Two minutes to airtime, Mr. Anchorman.

*Dan: Quick, put some sincerity lines around my eyes. Where is that makeup man?

*Makeupman: (Panting) Sorry I'm late, Mr. Anchorman.

*Dan: And now for some sad news. You're fired! All I ask for is a bit of support. And what do I get? Nothing! (Gets bald head painted) Do you have any idea how truly useless you people are (gets shoes rubbed)? I am surrounded by untalented incompetents (gets flossed)! Why are you all standing around staring at me? Do you have any idea what time it is?

*Yakko: Lunchtime.

*Dan: Lunchtime?

*Warners (singing):

We're from Sam 'N' Ella's

Coffee Shop eat our food and you're bound to drop

Then the only thing that's left to do

Head to the potty and spew, spew, spew

Sam 'N' Ella's.

*Dot (spoken): We're Beatrice.

*Dan: I placed this order hours ago. Are you out of your minds?

*Yakko: No, but we're out of our pickles. You'll have to take coleslaw. Who has the tongue on a bun?

*Wakko: (Tongue under bun)

*Yakko: All right, who's the ham on rye?

*Dan: That's me.

*Yakko: Just remember you said that, we didn't.

(Dot takes sandwich)

*Dot: I'm famished (bites sandwich).

*Dan: How dare you take a bite out of my sandwich?

*Dot: Want it back?

*Dan: Eww!

*Wakko: That'll be $6, and remember it's customary to tip 15 percent.

*Dan: You expect me to pay for this? I didn't even get a sandwich.

*Yakko: Oh, I guess you're the turkey on a roll (gets turkey surrounded by buns, which gobbles).

*Dan: Get out, you horrible little crustaceans. Get out, get out, get out (kicks them)!

*Warners: Whoa!

*Dot: Why, of all the nerve.

*Yakko: I'll say. We never even got our tip (wiggles eyebrows).

(Dan sprays head, has mirror)

*Director: Five, four, three. We're on the air.

*Announcer: And now Newstime Live with your cohosts Dan Anchorman in New York and in Washington, Doo-Anne Sewer.

*Doo-Anne: Hi, I have a new haircut. (Chuckles)

*Dan: Lovely, Doo-Anne.

*Doo-Anne: Tonight on NewsTimeLive I'll show you the new American car that costs under $300 and runs on water, and how to make a million dollars without thinking.

*Dan: (pushes Doo-Anne away, making Dan the only person on the news.) Thrilling, Doo-Anne, but first, my top story. Protesters have blockaded the entrance to the Newstime Live studios- Hey, that's us!

*Warners: Hey, hey, ho, ho! Cheapskate anchor's got to go! Hey, hey, ho, ho! Cheapskate anchor's got to go!

*Wolf: This is Wolf Spritzer reporting. It appears that Dan Anchorman didn't give these sandwich-delivery people a tip.

*Dot: We protest! We protest that Dan Anchorman wouldn't take coleslaw instead of pickles.

*Yakko: Dan Anchorman discriminates against garnishes. We protest that he's a picky pickle picker.

*Dot: Say that three times fast.

*Wolf: Picky pickle plicky- Uh, plick- Plicky puckle picker ple- Plu-

*Dot: You'll never make it on CNN.

*Dan: This is absurd. I will not have this broadcast interrupted by a bunch of little kids!

*Yakko: We protest you calling us little kids! We prefer to be called vertically impaired pre-adults.

*Dan: I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! (Chuckles nervously) We'll be right back after this commercial.

*Dot: We interrupt Newstime Live to bring you this special report. Our topic: Why people don't tip. For the answer, we turn to William F. Yakkly.

*Yakko: And I think, uh, the reason, uh, people do not affix a compensation for service-- In layman's terms, a tip. --is that they are, in fact, extremely cheap.

*Dot: Would you say TV newsmen are extremely cheap?

*Yakko: No, except, of course, for Mr. Dan Anchorman.

*Dan: You- you are horrible little-! Wonderful tykes. I see I haven't appreciated your playful side.

*Yakko: That's us. We're just fun-lovin' rascals.

*Dan: Exactly, and I'm going to make sure you get that tip I owe you.

*Dot: Really? Then we apologize about calling you cheap.

*Wakko: Yeah, you're probably very generous, we hope.

*Dan: Why, thank you. And now here's your tip. Don't mess with an anchorman! (Puts them into control room, barricades, laughs)

*Dot: Why'd he lock us in the control room?

*Yakko: I don't know, maybe he wants us to direct.

*Dan: We apologize for the technical difficulties. I've been informed that everything is under control.

*Wakko: "Ground Control to Major Tom. Commencing countdown, engines on. "

(Dan gets stretched left and right, and then back inwards. Cut to Warners playing with the control board.)

*Dan: Hey, what's going on here? Uh, and now tonight's Newstime Live headlines.

*Dot: Not those headlines, these headlines. But first, our forecast. Large pointy things here, followed by big, fluffy gray things here. Isn't video technology keen? Ooh, it looks like some really bad dental work here. And if you're driving through here, don't worry, there's no brain in sight.

(Wakko's car drives through Dan's head from one ear to the other. Dan's voice muffled by car beeping.)

*Dan: I'm too good for this.

*Dot: His head looks bigger on TV.

*Yakko: Well, I'll put a stop to that, my sib sister.

*Dan: (High voice) You can't do this to me. I'm a giant in this industry.

*Wakko: Anybody mind if I see what else is on?

*Wakko and Dot: Nope.

(Static happens, black and white. Dan transported to an island.)

*Fat man: Hey, little buddy. Where'd this guy come from?

*Skinny man: He's a space alien. Hit him with a coconut.

(Dan gets hit by 2 coconuts and falls down.)

*Wakko: Uh, seen that one. (Clicks button.)

(People run away, then Dan gets crushed by a foot.)

*Announcer: And now Bulk Logan will take on some guy in a suit.

*Dan: Gah! Stop! Make it stop! Make it stop! I give up!

(Click, static)

*Dan: (Chuckles) Ladies and gentlemen, I want to make a public apology for not tipping my sandwich-friends.

*Yakko: And now for some sad news. The host of this news show, Dan Anchorman, was taken away today for a nice long rest.

*Dan: (Giggles maniacally)

*Dot: And here's our tip for the day.

*Wakko: Be real nice to people who handle your food.

*Yakko: Or it's (sniffles) sad news.

*Dot: As for us,

*Warners: We are outta here!

Good Idea Bad Idea[]

It's time for another "Good Idea, Bad Idea. " Good idea - havin' breakfast served to you in bed. Bad idea - havin' tennis balls served to you in bed. The end.

Goodfeathers intro[]

*Singer:

When the birds hit the street lookin' for food to eat

(Bobby tries to get sandwich, gets stepped on)

That's Goodfeathers

(chorus) That's Goodfeathers

(They all get run over by a car.)

When I'm cooin' at you and you're cooin' at me

That's Goodfeathers

(Goodfeathers fly into wall)

Take no guff 'cause they're tough

(Sparrow throws them into electricity because being bothered.)

Strut their stuff no cream puffs

(Wrecking ball hits them)

That's Goodfeathers!

(Martin Scorsese statue falls on Goodfeathers.)

Raging Bird[]

*Squit: As far back as I can remember, Bobby was a fighter. He had class. He could have been a contender, but he never fought professionally.

(Crowd cheers, two fight)

*Squit: You see, if you were a Goodfeather, you didn't have to fight to prove you were a tough bird to nobody, unless that nobody was a somebody, like Lana.

*Bobby: Bada-bing, bang, boom! What a fight, huh?

(Lana yawns.)

*Referee: And the winner by a beakout, the undefeated heavyweight beaking champion of the city, Pretty Boy Robin!

(Cheering, applause)

*Lana: You could beak out Pretty Boy, Bobby. Win the purse, the title. You could do that.

*Bobby: I could beak him down with one whack. No big deal.

*Lana: Yeah, he's a nothin'. Just good-looking, that's all.

*Bobby: You think he's good-lookin'?

*Lana: I don't know. Everybody says he's good-looking.

*Bobby: Who says he's good-lookin'? Do you say that?

*Pesto: No way, not me. Forget about it.

*Squit: Well, he is kind of cute.

*Bobby: Bada-bing! (Coos) Big shot, are you good-looking? I don't think so.

*Robin: (Sniffs) Huh? Who is that?

*Bobby: I don't know. Maybe it's the Big Bad Wolf.

*Robin: Yo, it's a Goodfeather. I been waitin' for years to get one of you tough birds in the ring. (Chuckles, holds Bobby down.)

*Bobby: I'll beak in the ring wit' you.

*Robin: (Sniffs) Good. I'll see your beak in a week.

*Bobby: (Coos) What did I get myself into?

*Squit: You got yourself into a fight with Pretty Boy, that's what.

*Pesto: Unless you get a manager and some training, you got yourself a one-way ticket to Palookaville. That's what you got.

*Lana: He got a shot at the title, and he'll win too, 'cause Pretty Boy's a nothin'. Just got a pretty face, that's all.

*Bobby: Ooh, bada-bing!

(Bobby paces)

*Pesto: Relax, will ya? You're givin' me the zigzags over here.

*Bobby: (Coos) I always said I could beak-out Pretty Boy, but I got these doubts, you know what I'm sayin'? Look at my wings. I got these small wings. I got little-girl wings. Do me a favor. I want you to whack me in the beak.

*Pesto: Forget about it.

*Bobby: Come on, whack me.

*Pesto: Naw, I ain't whacking ya.

*Bobby: Come on, take your best shot.

*Pesto: I ain't whacking ya.

*Bobby: Come on.

*Pesto: What are you-what are you trying to prove?

*Bobby: Come on.

*Pesto: What's it prove?

*Bobby: Come on.

*Squit: Whack him, Pesto. I'd like to see you two in a round of whackin'.

(Bobby and Pesto beat up Squit.)

*Bobby: Come here.

*Squit: Hey!

*Bobby: Here's some whackin' over here. Don't tell me what I gotta do.

*Squit: Come on, knock it off.

*Bobby: (Kisses Lana) Hey, Lana.

*Pesto: (Kisses Pesto) Hey, Lana. How you doin'?

*Lana: I just wanted to stop by, give you a kiss, wish you luck for the fight (kiss). I gotta go. See ya.

*Bobby: Go ahead. Are you cooin' with my bird?

*Pesto: What?

*Bobby: Are you cooin' with my bird?

*Pesto: How could you ask me a question like that?

*Bobby: Just tell me.

*Pesto: I'm not answerin' that. It's stupid.

*Bobby: I'm gonna ask you again: Are you, or are you not?

*Pesto: What? Come on, you're a wacko.

*Bobby: No, this is a wacko.

(Wakko hits himself on head.)

*Man: Word's out you need a manager, ya bum. With me in your corner, you got a shot at beatin' Pretty Boy Robin.

*Bobby: (Coos) I'm crackin' up, hearin' voices over here.

*Man: Down here, ya bum.

(Both laugh, Squit does too.)

*Bobby: Look at Mr. Tough-Bird- the-Size-of-a-Pea over here. (Cackling)

*Max: The name is Max, ya bum. Now, this is the setup, see? I got a grudge to settle with P. B. Robin. Years ago before I got in the ring with that bird, I was the size of a dog! So I'm gonna manage ya, ya bum. And I'm gonna work ya into a wreckin' machine. Deal?

*Bobby: Deal!

(Bobby trains, long legs move.)

*Bobby: Sweet Scorsese, what is that? We got movin' trees over here.

*Max: Them ain't no trees, ya bum. Them is legs. That's One-Punch Paulie. He's your sparrin' partner.

*Bobby: (Screams, runs away.)

*Max: He's a bum, I tell ya, A bum.

*Bobby: (Grunts, punches sausage) I'm the boss, I'm the boss, I'm the boss. (Grunts)

*Max: Work it! Work it! You got what it takes to be a wreckin' machine? (Grunts)

*Bobby: I'm the boss- (Grunts, freezes)

*Max: Just what I need, a bum-sicle.

(Bobby runs up stairs, panting. Gets squashed.)

*Max: You'll never be anything more than a bum, ya bum!

*Bobby: Yo, why you callin' me a bum all the time?

*Max: 'Cause you're a bum, ya bum!

*Bobby: Oh (collapses).

(Ring)

*Bobby: Max, what do you think my chances are?

*Max: Did you do everything you wanted to do in life?

*Bobby: No.

*Max: Too bad.

(Rings)

*Spectator: Yeah! Come on! Pulverize him! (Cheering)

*Referee: Touch beaks and come out flappin'.

(They kiss. Bell rings. Bobby collides with wall. Robin dodges Bobby, trips and then punches him.)

*Pesto: Coo. I ain't gonna watch that. That's uglifyin'.

(Robin pecks Bobby's face then punches him.)

*Bobby: No way I'm goin' down. I don't go down for nobody.

*Pesto: Psst. Bobby, you are down.

*Robin: Yo, Lana, wanna see my wingspan?

*Bobby: Bada-bing. Are you cooin' with my bird?

(Robin nods, Bobby punches Robin and Robin fractures.)

*Robin: Yo, Adrian!

*Pesto: All right, Bobby! That was great, Bobby! That was great!

(Cheering. Squit kisses Pesto and considers kissing Lana.)

*Max: He ain't pretty no more.

*Referee: And the winner by unanimous decision, the new heavyweight beakin' champion of the city, Bobby Goodfeather!

(Crowd cheers, applauds)

*Pesto/Squit: Ey, congratulations, pal!/You did it!

*Bobby: Oh, look at the purse. (Coos) I never won so much seed in my life.

(Godpigeon approaches, mumbles.)

*Bobby: Now, the Godpigeon asks that as a bird of respect, I offer him a share of the purse.

(Godpigeon eats all but one seed. Mumbles)

*Bobby: The Godpigeon says he's been cooin' wit' my bird.

(Godpigeon walks off with Lana.)

*Pesto: Forget about it, Bobby. She'll be back.

*Squit: Attabird, Pesto, always the optimist.

*Pesto: What do you mean by that?

*Squit: I said you're an optimist.

*Pesto: An optimist? What are you sayin'? That I'm some kind of doctor here to test your vision for you? That I'm an eyeball inspector? That I make a spectacle of myself? Is that what you're sayin'?

*Squit: No, no, I'm not sayin' that. I'm just saying that you look on the bright side, an optimist.

*Pesto: I am an optimist?

*Squit: Yeah, that's what I'm sayin'.

*Pesto: That's it! Come here! (Pesto fights Squit)

(Bobby laughs)

*Squit: Bobby never fought in the ring again. He said he'd rather watch me and Pesto wing it out. Why? 'Cause...

*Bobby: That's entertainment. (Laughs)

Good Idea Bad Idea[]

*Narrator: It's time for another "Good Idea, Bad Idea. " Good idea - Whistling while you work. Bad idea - whistling while you eat.

(Mr. Skullhead sputters food everywhere, gets kicked out of Joe's Diner)

*Narrator: The end.

End[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Slappy: It's over. Go away!

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