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Animator's Alley[]

*Announcer: And now, Animator's Alley. Your hosts: The Warner Brothers.

*Yakko: Today, our guest is Cappy "Cap" Barnhouse, a pioneer in animation. Welcome, Cappy.

*Cappy: It's a pleasure to join ya.

*Yakko: Why? Were we coming apart?

*Cappy: Say that again?

*Yakko: Never mind. Cappy, you were with the Warner Bros. studio from the very beginning, right?

*Cappy: Yeah, I started with Warners back when all we made were pies. We just started making cartoons when people weren't buying the pies. Now, let's see. Now, that was back in 19... oh, I don't know. But it was back when we made pies.

*Yakko: (Wakes up)

*Cappy: One day, the head guy, his name was Leon something-or-other, he says to me, he says, "Cappy, today I don't want you to make a pie. I want you to make a cartoon. "

(Yakko snores, Dot yawns, all Warners bored.)

*Cappy: Well, Rudy Ising and Hugh Harman and Friz and me and some other guy with a lisp was brought onboard.

(Warners all snore)

*Cappy: And then we made our first cartoon, which was, uh... uh, Bosko and Honey. Oh, we made a few of those and... (mumbles, then snores.)

(All snore)

*Cappy: Pies! We made pies. Uh, the cartoons came later.

*Yakko: And speaking of cartoons, let's get this show on the road.

Theme song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-

Totally insane-y

*Warners:

How urbane-y

*All:

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Animator's Alley[]

*Announcer: We now return to Animator's Alley.

*Cappy: So, uh, then, in '43 we made Winky, the Finicky Tapeworm. He lived inside a British buffalo, Sir Poopsalot. Then we made a bunch of fish cartoons. Fish are funny creatures.

(Wakko makes gookie face, Dot gasps.)

*Cappy: We did Timmy Tuna,

*Yakko: Shh!

*Cappy: Barney Bass, and Frieda the Overly Friendly Fluke.

(Wakko and Dot spray each other with water.)

*Cappy: But the fish lip is the hardest to draw.

(Yakko whispers to Dot.)

*Cappy: I've seen people scream when they see a poorly-drawn fish lip.

(Dot whispers to Wakko)

*Cappy: 'Cause they think it's a monster. But it's just a fish lip.

(Warners run away, get TV.)

*Cappy: Lips are important. You can't talk without lips. Well, you could, but you'd sound like: (babbles)

Hip Hippos[]

*Flavio and Marita (singing):

The jungle was nice,

But way behind the times.

For two endangered hippos

With hip and trendy minds,

So they flew their Ranch Roover

To the city's neon glow

Flavio and Marita,

The hip hippos

Can't Buy A Thrill[]

*Gina: (Sees Flavio golfing, using a bird.) Zoologist's log, day 92, Gina Embryo speaking. The great endangered Hippopotamus Trendolius remains free from danger thanks to my diligent efforts.

(Flavio gets hole-in-one, monkey celebrates)

*Flavio: (Yawns) I, my beautiful self, could play this course blindfolded. Well, why not (Plays blindfolded)?

*Gina: I must stay undercover so as not to disturb these gentle creatures in their unnatural habitat no matter what the risk.

*Flavio: Fore (hits golf ball into Gina). Oh, hole in one again. Yawn and sigh.

*Gina: (Falls off building, holds onto statue which falls, and bounces off a plank and lands on a soft cover. Then she gets smashed by the same statue.)

*Flavio: Nothing ever happens around here.

*Bird 1: I'm permanently puckered.

*Gina: (Recovers) What's this? The female seems depressed.

*Marita: This bestseller is boring. Boring. Boring, boring, boring.

*Flavio: Marita.

*Marita: Flavio.

*Both: I'm so bored! (Squash the couch Gina's under)

*Marita: Are we in a rut?

*Flavio: Is this all there is? Rooftop golf? Ranch Rover racing?

*Marita: I have an idea. Flavio, look. "Thrill-Seeking Adventures for the Rich. "

*Flavio: Mm, sounds delicious, my small, crumbly crumb from a no-yeast cake. Let's have a thrill-seeking adventure.

*Marita: Here's one. They give it a Danger Rating of 2.

*Flavio: What is it?

*Marita: Bungee jumping!

(Gina groans, flattened)

*Flavio: Darling, am I all bungee- attached or bungeed-up or whatever beautiful bungee-people call it?

*Marita: Yes, my flyboy.

*Gina: Must save my thick-skinned babies. They could hurt themselves.

*Flavio: Let's fly.

*Marita: May thrills await us.

*Gina: I must protect the hippos. (Runs around, Marita and Flavio land successfully, and Gina is squashed by hot air balloon, screams, gets squashed again. This continues and Gina is squashed again. Then she hides under a cliff, but it falls on her. She hides in a barn, which is also squashed, but the sharp points puncture the balloon. Chickens scream.)

*Marita: Well, that was boring. I think we need more danger.

*Flavio: What else is in that catalog?

*Marita: Here's a good one. Danger Rating 7. "Running before the bulls in Spain. "

*Flavio: Let's do it. Olé. Zorro. Barcelona.

*Gina: Must... save... (voice recorder breaks.) hippos.

*Flavio: Now, they blow the whistle, the bulls come down the street, and we run. That's the danger part.

*Marita: Run? No, Flavio, I do not run.

*Flavio: Very well, my well-worn, little, leather driving glove. We shall stroll.

*Gina: Zoologist's log, day 95, Gina Embryo speaking. Unless I create some sort of diversion, my hippos will be trampled by wild bulls.

(Whistles, bulls roam now.)

*Gina: Olé

(Other contestants run and scream, Flavio and Marita walk slowly. Bull aims towards them but fails.)

*Flavio: Did you just feel something?

*Marita: Rain?

(Warners run away from Ralph.)

*Gina: (Whistles) Yoo-hoo! Over here! (Screams, poked.) Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh.

(Gina hides)

*Gina: (Sighs, panics as all bulls are after her.) No! Klaatu barada nikto. Need new car-eer.

*Flavio: I thought this was supposed to be dangerous. (Scoffs) Everything Hemingway did is overrated.

*Marita: I guess we need to aim higher, mon chouchou. Here's a good one. Danger Rating 11.

*Flavio: Ooh.

*Marita: Scuba dive with the great white sharks.

*Flavio: Look, pumpkin seed, the sea beast approaches.

*Marita: Let us greet the local barbarian.

(Shark growls)

*Gina: Zoologist's log, day 97. My poor, defenseless babies face the ultimate predator. I must save them.

*Both: One, dos, trois (both jump in, and all water gets blown away. They are left sitting on bare rocks).

*Flavio: Boring.

*Marita: Overrated.

*Gina: (Screams as giant wave washes over her. Coughs on an exposed rock, sighs)

(Flavio and Marita are now on boat again)

*Gina: My hippos still safe.

(Shark growls, eats Gina)

*Marita: Flav?

*Flavio: Yes, my special little molasses brownie?

*Marita: I've learned something. The most thrilling thing around...

*Flavio: Is our own beautiful selves.

*Both: I'm so happy! (Squashes Gina)

Animator's Alley[]

*Announcer: We now return to Animator's Alley.

*Cappy: In 1954, I got a bunion. So I figures, what if a bunion could talk?

(Warners literally melt. Bubbles come up)

*Cappy: That's when I come up with Bunion Boy.

(Warners crawl away.)

*Cappy: Bunion Boy lived on a farmer's toe. Uh, I think that was a mistake. Farmers step in things that aren't decent. Then in '57, I made Kiki the Sickly Lemur.

(Warners get models of themself and replace themselves, which automatically nods.)

*Cappy: Would you like me to talk about it? Well, all right. Kiki had no torso.

*Warners: We're free! Free! Free!

HollywoodChuck[]

(Wheatina Kansas, population 12)

*Chuck: Well, so long, Mother. So long, Father.

*Mom: Oh (cries), my little woodchuck going to Hollywood.

*Dad: Are you sure you wanna do this, Baynarts?

*Chuck: Dad, I told you, it's not Baynarts. It's Charlton. Charlton Woodchucks. And yes, Father, I must do this. For acting is my destiny. Mourn not, my simple parents. Mourn not. For, you see- Ooh! (Mouth closed on) You really know how to wreck a dramatic moment. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if-? No, that's wrong. How about: How much wood could a woodchuckchuck (as William Shatner)?

*Man: (Grunts) Would you be quiet?

*Chuck: Excuse me, but I'm rehearsing. I have a very important audition tomorrow for the role of Franklin the Friendly Woodchuck.

*Man: I am an actor. You? An actor? Ha! That's a good one. (Laughs)

*Chuck: Would you write your name down? Thank you. When I'm famous, I'll make it a point not to like you.

*Man: (Laughs) Yeah, right. Whatever (laughs).

(Chuck drives to Hollywood)

*Director: You three woodchucks, step forward. Look at them. All day long, the same thing. I want a woodchuck that's real. Real emotions. These acting woodchucks make me sick. All right, number one. Go ahead.

*Woodchuck 1: To be or not to be

*Director: Next!

*Woodchuck 2: One singular sensa-

*Director: Next!

*Chuck: (Gasps, butterflies in stomach) How mu-? Much-? Much... wood?

*Director: That's it! Such reality. That's my woodchuck!

(Chuck moans and collapses to floor. Varietoon says "Natureland finds newest star!! Franklin, friendly woodchuck begins filming today! Read by Ralph, anthropomorphic bear and deer walk, talking. Slappy passes by, stage 12, closed set.)

*Director: All right, Charlton, now, remember. You just do whatever the narrator says. Ya got that?

*Chuck: Oh, yes. Uh-huh. Super, super. Very good.

*Director: All right, people. Let's do it!

*Man 2: Franklin the Friendly Woodchuck. Take one.

*Chuck: Ooh (Mouth gets shut)! Ouch! That hurt!

*Man 2: So sue me.

*Chuck: Would you write your name down? Thank you. When I'm famous, I'll make it a point not to like you.

(Man 2 mutters)

*Director: And cue narrator.

*Narrator: Well, Franklin the Friendly Woodchuck was a-rompin' through the forest. Now, woodchucks love to romp, and Franklin was no exception. Then Franklin saw somethin' he'd never seen. A big, fuzzy grizzly bear. Franklin decided to play with Mr. Bear.

(Bear snores, Chuck shakes head.)

*Director: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

(Chuck gets basketball)

*Narrator: But old Mr. Bear wouldn't play. Now, even the dumbest coonhound knows that bears and woodchucks are natural enemies.

(Bear grabs Chuck and slings him into tree.)

*Narrator: We-he-hell, looks like Franklin's learned a valuable lesson. Why, lookie here. It's Mr. Woodpecker. "Maybe he'll be my friend," thought Franklin. But Mr. Woodpecker was a mite angry 'cause Franklin had ruined his tree.

(Woodpecker pecks Chuck out.)

*Narrator: Po-or Franklin. "Won't anyone be my friend?" he thought. Well, just then, Mr. Boa Constrictor came a-wigglin' by. "Maybe he'll be my friend."

(Boa constrictor squeezes Chuck)

*Chuck: Could we stop a minute?

(Director shakes head)

*Narrator: Now, Franklin knew he wouldn't get eaten 'cause boas don't like the taste of woodchucks.

(Chuck sighs)

*Narrator: But still, they try.

*Snake: (Turns green) Pwech!

*Narrator: Uh-oh, there's that bear again.

(Bear throws Chuck away into tree again. Pecked out, eaten by boa constrictor.)

*Narrator: Lookie here. Cute, little, busy, buzzy bees. "Maybe they'll be my friend," Franklin thought.

(Chuck coughs)

*Narrator: But those old, buzzy bees didn't want to play.

*Chuck: (Falls) Yeow!

*Narrator: Now, it's a well-known fact that woodchucks are highly allergic to bee stings. Well, bee sting or not, Franklin decided to make the most of it and get to rompin' again.

*Chuck: Oh!

*Narrator: Uh-oh, there's that bear again.

(Bear punches Chuck)

*Narrator: Well, what's this? An old ammunitions shack in the middle of the forest. "I wonder what's in there," Franklin thought.

*Chuck: I really need to stop a minute. Can we stop? Oh, please? Oh, please?

*Narrator: Now, a dangerous ammunitions shack is no place for a woodchuck. But Franklin went in anyway. Careful, Franklin.

(Dynamite shack explodes)

*Narrator: Uh-oh, there's that bear again.

(Bear snarls)

*Chuck: Hold it right there.

(Bear growls)

*Chuck: Would you write your name down? Thank you. When I'm famous, I'll-

(Chuck gets thrown into tree)

*Chuck: That's it. I quit.

*Mom: Baynarts! I thought you's a big movie star in Hollywood.

*Chuck: Well, we had creative differences.

*Dad: Uh, what you got there?

*Chuck: Just some... names.

Animator's Alley[]

*Yakko: Night, Wakko.

*Wakko: Good night, Dot.

*Dot: Good night, Yakko.

*Yakko: Hey, I wonder what happened to Cappy.

(Yakko's model's head falls off)

*Cappy: (Snoring) Pies! We made pies. (Snoring)

End[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Warners: Sit, Ubu, sit.

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