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Theme song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-

Totally insane-y

*Yakko:

Miss Cellan-y

*All:

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Of Nice and Men[]

(Train runs)

*Runt: Uh, Rita? Rita, tell me how it's gonna be.

*Rita: I already told you 16 times.

*Runt: I wanna hear it again. Yeah, de- definitely wanna hear it again.

*Rita (singing):

We can take care of ourselves

We're independent me and you

*Runt:

That's true.

*Rita:

We don't need any humans

To tell us what to do

From now on, we're living

Where nobody can get In our way

*Runt:

And, uh, where are we gonna be living?

*Rita:

Monterey

*Runt:

Oh, that's right. Like- Like the cheese.

*Rita:

Monterey, Monterey

It's the California livin'.

With the sun and the surf

And we'll never have to give in

To another Human master again

It's Cannery Row

For dinner and then

We'll sleep on the beach

Where the sand is heaped up in piles

*Runt:

Definitely a lot of sand.

*Rita:

A litter box for miles.

You'll never have to fetch another slipper again

No more having to pretend to be nice

We're finally free from now on we'll be

With the sun and the sand and the thundering seas

On the cliffs of the harbor With the cypress trees

And the Fisherman's Wharf, it's all there,

In Monterey.

*Rita (spoken): We're here. Jump.

(Both jump into hey bale.)

*Runt: That was fun. Let's do it again.

*Rita: Oh, yeah. (Spita) I just love hay up my nose. Let's see. The beach should be right over that hill.

(Sign shows Happy Bob's, 1 mile and Monterey, 10 miles. Rita and Runt go to happy Bob's)

*Dwarf: What you got in your hand?

*Giant: Only a mouse, George.

*Brain: I hate cameos.

*Dwarf: (Throws Brain) Men don't play with mice.

*Brain: Are you pondering what I'm pondering? (Bonks.)

*Runt: Oh, Rita.

*Rita: Nice ocean view, eh?

*Runt: You didn't tell me there'd be bunnies.

*Rita: Bunnies? We must've taken a wrong turn at Solvang.

*Runt: Hello, little bunny-wunnies.

*Rita: You're making me sick.

*Farmer: (Throws food) Dinnertime.

Ba-dabba-dabba-loo-bum

Ba-dadda-looda-lee-bum

Ba-dee-da-la-ba-doo

Da-lee-bum

(singing)

Everybody gather around now

Eat it up and gobble it downthat's right.

Eat your food tou'll all see Pretty soon you'll all be,

Nice and fat and furry and round

Look at this fur, ain't it purty?

So soft and so shiny and sleek

We take our time don't rush it

Clean and shine and brush it

Every single day of the week

Ah-Tweedle-dee-dee-ah

Tweedle-dee-doo

Eat up all them carrots and plants

If you want a furry rabbit,

Then come on down and grab it

At Happy Bob's Bunny Ranch.

(spoken, Runt brings rabbit back.)

Well, what have we here? I could use an extra set of eyes to keep the troops in line (pets Runt. Do you wanna watch the rabbits?

(Runt barks)

Hello, little lady. You're just what I need for my barn. You're a lucky cat, all right. You get to chase the rats.

(Throws Rita into hay)

*Rita (singing):

This is great, this is perfect

It's always the same thing with cats

There's always some ignorant human assumin',

We like to chase rats.

I'm getting real sick of the stereotypical view

We can't be controlled and we hate to be told what to do.

(Rat sniffs and bites Rita's tail.)

They misunderstand us they can't command us

(Rat drops bucket on Rita.)

We don't purr if we're not in the mood

Humans believe that the animals love them,

But all we want Is their food.

I don't need this job I won't work for that slob anyhow!

I'm telling Runt that it's over, we're leaving right now.

(Cow moos)

*Rita (spoken): "Moo" yourself, you lower life form. (Gets kicked into wall by tail.) That's two minutes in the penalty box for clipping. That's it. We're out of here. (Sighs, sees Runt playing with bunnies.) I guess we can leave tomorrow.

*Runt: (Yawns) Definitely.

(All yawn)

*Runt: Bedtime. Definitely bedtime.

(Singing)

It's time to close your bunny eyes

And rest your bunny heads.

Sleep all night through and I hope that you

Won't wet your bunny beds

(Spoken)

Definitely don't wanna wet the bunny beds.

(All rabbits asleep)

*Rita: Hey, it's a cartoon. What'd you expect, Sondheim?

(Crows)

*Farmer: Rise and shine. All right, you bunnies, let's hop to it.

(Bunnies come, Runt yawns.)

*Farmer: Come on. Got a schedule to keep.

*Runt: Huh? (Sniffs fur coats.) Mm. Fur. Nice and soft like the bunny. (Gasps) Bunnies? Uh-oh. Bunny coats. Definitely bunny coats.

*Farmer: Cute little varmin. You're gonna make a nice, white, furry coat, ain't you?

(Rabbit whimpers, Runt barks.)

*Rita: Gotcha (bites rat's tail).

*Farmer: Come back here, you mutt!

(All animals run, Runt barks. Rita hitches ride on Runt)

*Farmer: Come out, come out, wherever you are. Great horny toads. Yeeeow!

(Rabbits all run over farmer, and then Runt does.)

*Farmer: (Faints)

*Runt: Uh, Rita?

*Rita: I told you to go before we got on the train. And that goes for the rest of you too.

(Runt snuggles with bunny.)

What A Dump![]

(Mindy digs massive hole)

*Mindy: (Laughs) Puppy bone.

(Buttons whimpers.)

*Mom: Mindy. Oh, there you are, hon. Everything okay out here?

*Mindy: Hi, lady.

*Mom: Call me Mom.

*Mindy: Okay, lady.

*Mom: (Sighs) Look what I have for you, hon. Isn't she pretty?

*Mindy: Dolly doll! Mm.

*Mom: A brand-new one for my little girl.

*Mom: Dolly. (Babbles.) Dolly.

*Mom: Careful. It wets.

*Mindy: Okay. I love you, bye-bye (digging).

*Mom: (Sighs) Buttons!

*Buttons: Mm?

*Mom: What are you doing?!

(Buttons gulps)

*Mom: Bad dog. Digging up the yard.

(Buttons denies)

*Mom: You've been going through the garbage again, haven't you?

(Buttons denies)

*Mom: Get to your doghouse this instant, do you hear me?

(Buttons goes into doghouse)

*Mom: We won't need this old thing anymore, thank goodness. Now to call Mary Beth and gloat about my new apron.

*Mindy: (Bounces in harness) Whee! Yay! Yeah! Hello, Mr. Man.

*Trash collector: Hi, Mindy.

*Mindy: (Gasps) Dolly! (Grunting, makes it onto fence, unties harness.) Whee!

(Mindy falls into trash in, packed onto garbage truck. Buttons chases Mindy. Mindy goes to Department of Sanitation, Recycline Center.)

*Mindy: Dolly?

(Buttons bounces haphazardly into the plastic bottles cart, rolls out)

*Mindy: Dolly?

(Mindy gets picked up by claw. Buttons barks stops this, but foot gets caught on rope.)

*Mindy: Buttons.

(Buttons howls, the Daring Young Man on the Flying trapeze plays, then altered.)

*Mindy: Ooh. Dolly.

(Mindy hangs onto doll. Rope snaps and Buttons falls into water bottle.)

*Mindy: (Laughs) Hi, Buttons.

(Bottle cracks. Buttons is now mobile. Mindy falls down as Buttons tries to grab her, smashing Buttons into wall.)

*Mindy: Wheee (Goes into recycling storage area, laughs)! Dolly. Whoa!

(Buttons enters giant maze of boxes, whimpers. Opens boxes and tries to find Mindy.)

*Mindy: Dolly. Where's dolly? (taken off into box by truck).

(Buttons goes on truck, Mindy laughs.)

*Mindy: Dolly.

(Mindy and Buttons return safely)

*Mom: Well, no, it would never fit you, Mary Beth. (Phone clanks.) Well, I never! Mary Beth's just jealous of my new apron. And how's my little darling? Mindy. Where did you get that? I thought I threw that away.

*Mindy: Buttons!

*Mom: Buttons! I thought I told you not to dig through the trash can. You'd think there was something important in there, for heaven's sakes. Well, it's bath time for you!

Intermission[]

(Warners hop away from Ralph.)

Survey Ladies:[]

*Warners (singing):

In the mall, in the mall,

In the glorious mall

We'll find a birthday gift

For Dr. Scratchansniff

*Yakko (Spoken): Don't you love it when we sing the plot?

*Warners (singing)

Something nifty something thrifty

For our shrinky Scratchansniffty...

In the mall

*Dot (spoken): Clothes!

*Wakko: Candy.

*Yakko: Babes.

*Yakko and Wakko: Hello, 90210s.

*Dot: (Grabs Yakko and Wakko) Boys. Control yourselves.

*Yakko: Yes. We are on a mission.

*Tape: Good morning, Mr. Phelps.

*Yakko: Mission implausible.

*Tape: Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to buy a gift for Dr. Scratchansniff. This tape will self-destruct in six seconds.

*Wakko: (Eats tape recorder)

*Yakko: Was it food or was it Memorex?

*Wakko: (Gulps, explosion, burps which destroys all vases.) More like indigestion.

*Warners: Let's shop.

*Wakko: (Walks backward on escalator.) Hey. Mine's not working.

*Yakko: Middle-kid syndrome. (Rights Wakko on the escalator.)

*Surveyors: (From now on, always with clipboards) Would you like to take a survey?

*Wakko: Okay.

*Survey 1: Do you eat beans?

*Survey 2: Would you like to see a new movie starring George Wendt?

*Survey 1: Do you eat beans with George Wendt?

*Survey 2: Would you like to see George Wendt eating beans in a movie?

*Survey 1: Do you eat beans at George Wendt movies?

(Yakko and Dot check time, Wakko brings big clock.)

*Survey 2: Would you see George Wendt in a bean-eating movie?

*Survey 1: How many beans do you eat at George Wendt bean-eating movies?

*Survey 2: How many bean-eating movies have you seen with George Wendt?

*Dot: Um, it's not that we wouldn't like to take your survey.

*Yakko: Uhh... it's more like we'd rather have dental surgery.

*Yakko and Dot: Mwah (kiss surveyors, run away).

*Survey 1: If you were a bean, what kind of bean would you be?

*Survey 2: Wait. We're not finished.

*Survey 1: You'll have to start over now!

*Wakko: That was kind of fun.

*Yakko: Yeah. Like waiting in line at the DMV.

*Wakko: So, what are we gonna get Dr. Scratchy?

*Dot: Ooh. How about an outfit from Oedipus Rex Men's Wear?

*Yakko: Nah. His mom would hate those.

*Wakko: Look. Freudian Slips.

*Yakko: Uh-uh. He makes his own. I wonder what you get a "p-sychiatrist" for his birthday?

(Warners go to Judy Judy Judy.)

*Dot: Let's get Dr. Scratchansniff a pretty new dress.

*Yakko: Are you kidding? With his figure?

*Surveyors: (Take off their mannequin disguises) Would you like to take a survey?

*Yakko: No, we wouldn't. But he would.

(Brings mr. Skullhead)

*Survey 1: Do you eat beans?

*Survey 2: Would you like to see a new movie starring George Wendt?

*Survey 1: Do you eat beans with George Wendt?

*Survey 2: Would you like to see George Wendt eating beans in a movie?

*Survey 1: Do you eat beans at George Wendt movies?

*Survey 2: Would you like to eat George Wendt's beans?

(Mr. Skullhead's head falls off from nodding his head too much.)

*Surveyors: Invalid survey.

*Yakko: I know. How about we get Scratchy a birthday suit?

*Surveyors: Would you like to take a survey?

*Yakko: No. Would you like to take a hike?

*Survey 1: Maybe they don't like beans.

*Dot: Do you think Scratchy would like some cologne?

*Fifi: (Wraps tail around herself, in heavy French accent.) We have Obsession, Repression and Ecstasy.

*Dot: Do you have anything for beginners?

(Wakko swallows perfume, makes gookie. Annoyance perfume seen.)

*Yakko: Ah.

*Surveyors: Would you like to take a survey?

*Yakko: Never give up, do you?

*Survey 1: We're persistent.

*Yakko: Try using a better deodorant.

*Survey 2: Maybe they don't like George Wendt.

(All pant, go to escalator. The surveyors are there.)

*Surveyors: Would you like to take a survey?

(Warners scream)

*Surveyors: Would you like to take a survey?

(Duck approaches)

*Duck: No. (Pushes elevator button, Surveyors go down and shriek) Elevator go down the hole.

*Dot: How about this for Scratchy? It plays Bach.

*Wakko: Yeah. But does it play forward? (Plays drums)

(Music box has Surveyors in it.)

*Surveyors: Would you like to take a survey?

*Dot: See? It's a running-gag thing. I think everyone gets the idea now. (Screams)! I can't take it anymore! I give up!

*Wakko: But what are we gonna get Dr. Scratchansniff?!

*Yakko: Ah!

(Wakko eat's Yakko's lightbulb.)

*Otto: Oh. A present for me? Well, well. What a surprising surprise for me on my natal day.

*Yakko: Just a little something we wrapped up.

*Otto: (Gasps) Aw. "For our beloved Dr. Scratchansniff. "A gift to let you know we're not so bad after all. X's and O's. Yakko, Wakko and Dot. " I am opening carefully, expecting a bomb, but acting polite, don't you know.

*Surveyors: Would you like to take a survey?

(Mr. Plotz, Ralph, Otto and Hello Nurse scream and run away.)

*Survey 1: Do you eat beans?

*Survey 2: Would you see a movie starring George Wendt?

*Survey 1: Do you eat beans with George Wendt?

*Survey 2: Would you like to see George Wendt eating beans?

*Yakko: They don't know beans about surveys. Good night, everybody! Mwah.

End[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Warners: (With clipboards) Wanna take a survey?

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