Animaniacs Wiki
Advertisement
Animaniacs Wiki

Useless Fact[]

*Yakko: And now another...

(Rock saying "useless fact" crushed sign saying "Useful fact")

*Yakko: Useless fact. Termites can live to be 50 years old.

*Old termite: Why, when I was a young termite we used to have to walk 50 miles in the snow with no shoes for a good piece of wood. Not like you kids today.

*Yakko: This has been another...

(Rock saying "useless fact" hits ground loudly)

*Yakko: Useless fact.

Theme song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-

Totally insane-y

*Dot

Surely MacLaine-y

*All:

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

The Senses Song[]

*Narrator: And now the Warners present... the senses.

(Warners dance like in its SNES game. Music.)

*Yakko:

The sense of sight is what guides us right when we go out on walks.

*Wakko:

The sense of smell is the way to tell that you need to change your socks.

*Dot:

The sense of touch is what hurts so much when you bang your toe on the bed.

*Yakko:

The sense of hearing is something good,

'Cause if a tree falls in the wood,

Would there be a sound?

You bet there would...

If it landed on top your head!

*Warners:

Your head!

If a tree lands on top of your head!

*Wakko:

(Man gets big belly, mouth eats snack.)

The sense of taste affects your waist...

*Yakko:

Which makes five senses in all.

*Dot:

There's a sixth sense, too, but it's hard to explain.

It's a psychic connection inside of your brain

So you can understand people like shirley maclaine...

*Yakko:

Who wear crystals they bought in the mall!

The warners:

The mall! Who wear crystals they bought in the mall!

*Yakko:

And now, the other senses!

*Dot:

There are scents you can smell like cologne from chanel or the scents of expensive perfume.

*Yakko:

There are scents of flowers we hope overpowers the kitty box next to your room.

*Wakko:

There's a sense of pride you have deep down inside...

*Yakko:

When you practice a sense of fair play.

*Dot:

There are dollars and cents that you pay at a toll...

*Yakko:

Or the census man who is taking a poll...

(Hello Nurse present)

*Wakko:

And a sense of confusion we're out of control...

The warners:

And they really should take us away! Away! They really should take us away!

*Dot:

There's a sense of humor, a sense of doom, or a sense of awe, sense of timing...

*Yakko:

The sense of a word, a sense of absurd like trying to do all this rhyming!

*Dot:

There's incense...

*Wakko:

And horse sense...

*Yakko:

And common sense, it's true.

*Dot:

Sense of wonder, sense of beauty...

*Wakko:

Sense of honor, sense of duty...

*Yakko:

(Pinky and The Brain present)

A sense of doubt, a sense of danger...

*Dot:

A sense of fear when you meet a stranger...

*Wakko:

A sense of style, a sense of worth...

*Yakko:

A sense of direction for knowing the earth...

*Warners:

A sense of dread as we're singing this song

That it's starting to turn out completely all wrong

And it's time that we end it because it's too long.....

(deep breath)

'cause it just doesn't make any sense!

Nonsense!

This song doesn't make any sense!

Useless Fact[]

*Yakko: And now another...

(Rock saying "useless fact" crushed sign saying "Useful fact")

*Yakko: Useless fact. Eskimos have more than 100 words for ice, and no words for "hello." Oh, hello. This has been another...

(Rock saying "useless fact" hits ground loudly)

*Yakko: Useless fact.

Dot's Poetry Corner[]

*Narrator: And now: Dot's Poetry Corner.

*Dot: Ah-em. "Humpty Dumpty." Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Humpty Dumpty retained a lawyer and settled out of court for a lot of money and ownership of the wall. Thank you.

(Audience clicking)

*Narrator: This has been another visit to Dot's Poetry Corner.

Pinky and The Brain intro[]

(music)

*Pinky: Gee Brain Whaddaya wanna do tonight?

(Pinky runs on wheel)

*The Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world.

*Chorus:

They're Pinky and The Brain

(Brain unlocks cage.)

They're Pinky and The Brain

(The Brain writes the theory of everything, Pinky jumps around in straightjacket.)

One is a genius

The other's insane

To prove their mousey worth,

(Both get zapped)

They'll overthrow the Earth.

They're dinky, they're Pinky and

The Brain, brain brain brain, brain.

The World Can Wait[]

*Pinky: How are we going to take over the world tonight, Brain, eh? Get people stuck in super-sticky chewing gum? Narf!

*Brain: No, Pinky.

*Pinky: Ooh! How about we wrestle the pres-ident? Zort!

*Brain: No, Pinky.

*Pinky: But, gee, Brain. We are gonna take over the world, aren't we?

*Brain: Not tonight, Pinky. The world can wait.

*Pinky: E-gad, Brain. Are you feeling all right?

*Brain: Pinky, I'm feeling more than all right. I'm... in love.

*Pinky: Narf. You? What?! (Laughs)

*Brain: I met her today in the maze. Her name is Billie. She is of simple folk, fair and true.

*Pinky: You mean she's stupid?

*Brain: A bit. Heh-heh. She called me Egghead.

*Pinky: Egghead? Ha, ha, ha! Narf! Ah, ha, ha! (Laughs heavily, gets poked.)

*Brain: Do not mock a love-smitten mouse.

*Pinky: Oh, right. Sorry, Brain.

*Brain: And so I shall woo her, Pinky. And win her heart. Do you know how I plan to do that?

*Pinky: Umm... with a big wooden mallet?

*Brain: Normally, Pinky, I would be compelled to hurt you, but today I'm feeling forgiving. I will profess my love and give her my heart.

*Pinky: Ew, Brain, that sounds painful. Narf.

*Brain: Let us go to meet this fair damsel. Billie. Oh, Billie.

*Billie: Who's that?

*Brain: I, my lady, am the Brain. We met today in the maze.

*Billie: Oh, yeah, I remember you. Egghead.

(Pinky laughs)

*Pinky: You're- You're right, Brain. Narf! "Egghead." (Laughs)

*Brain: I hope you don't think me too forward, but I've brought you something. A precious, simple gift.

*Billie: Oh, flowers?

*Brain: Oh, no. It's an actual working mockup of the bevatron particle accelerator.

*Billie: Oh. It kind of looks like a-

*Pinky: Big metal doughnut. (Laughs hard)

*Billie: Yeah, like a big metal doughnut. Yeah. Say, who's your friend, Egghead? He's funny.

*Brain: This is my associate, Pinky.

*Pinky: Oh, what a pleasure to meet you. Narf. I am so pleased, all pleased, all-over pleased, yes, I am.

*Billie: (Giggles)

(Brain sends Pinky away)

*Billie: I like him.

*Brain: Pinky? But he's... he's barely verbal.

*Billie: Oh, well, pardon me, Mr. Egghead. I happen to like him. Good night.

*Brain: Wait, Billie, please, I- Oof! Whoa! (Crashes into ground as Pinky knocks him off.)

*Pinky: Whoa! (Clattering) PINKY:

*Pinky: La, la, la. la la la la. Oey oey oey, oey oey oey oey.

*Brain: Quiet, Pinky.

*Pinky: What's the matter, Brain? I think She likes you. Narf! (Giggles)

*Brain: No, Pinky. The fact is she likes you!

*Pinky: But, Brain, I've already got a girlfriend (points to Phar Phignewton, horse.)

*Brain: Pinky, you are a mouse. This is a horse.

*Pinky: Oh, don't start that again, Brain.

*Brain: But Billie, she responds to you. You know how to talk to her. (Snaps finger) Ah. Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

*Pinky: Uh- I think so, Brain, but this time you wear the tutu.

*Brain: Follow me. I have a plan. Pinky, you stay here in the shadows.

*Pinky: Right-o, Brain. I'm helping the Brain, I'm helping the-

*Brain: Shh! Billie. Oh, Billie.

*Billie: Who's there? Pinky? Is that you, Pinky?

*Brain: No. It is I, the Brain.

*Billie: (Downbeat) Oh. Egghead.

*Brain: (Whispered) Now, what would you say, Pinky?

*Pinky: Oh, um- uh, uh- I know: Please, call me Eggy. Narf.

*Brain: "Please, call me Eggy. Narf."

*Billie: Oh, okay, Eggy. Yeah, that's cute.

*Pinky: Now tell her, um Poit, I like your toenails.

*Brain: "Poit, I like your toenails."

*Billie: Oh, thank you.

*Pinky: And, e-gad, your head looks like a really clean carrot.

*Brain: (Groans) Ooh. "And, egad, your head looks like a really clean carrot."

*Billie: That's funny, Eggy. You sure know how to talk to a girl. A clean carrot, yeah. I guess I had you pegged all wrong. Why don't you come on up here? I like you.

*Brain: Oh.... Pinky, she likes me. Oh, my heart. I'm going up.

*Man 1: Come on, we're gonna be late for bowling.

*Man 2: Be right with ya. I just have to run one final experiment. I need the results in the morning.

*Brain: Oh, no. Just as love comes my way. Pinky, we must save her.

(Electricity zaps)

*Brain: Oh, no, we're too late.

*Pinky: Narf.

*Man 2: That oughta do it. We can check back tomorrow.

*Brain: Billie, Billie, are you all right?

*Billie: Eggy? Is that you, Eggy?

*Brain: Yes. Oh, Eggy.

*Billie: I thought the electro-polarity had altered the reticular formation in my medulla oblongata.

*Brain: Pinky, she's become incredibly intelligent.

*Pinky: Egad, Brain. She's probably even smarter than you.

*Brain: What's the solution to Carpoleum's black hole equation?

*Billie: The square root of 16,922.

*Brain: I've been pondering that problem for five months. She is smarter than I. How annoying. I must go.

*Pinky: But, Brain! You mean you don't love her just 'cause she's smarter than you?

*Brain: Oh, I do love her, Pinky. I do. But I must quickly go develop a plan so we can take over the world.

*Pinky: But why, Brain?

*Brain: If I don't, she may beat us to it.

*Wakko and Dot (singing):

They're dinky, they're Pinky and

The Brain, brain brain brain,

*Yakko:

brain.

Useless Fact[]

*Yakko: And now another...

(Rock saying "useless fact" crushed sign saying "Useful fact")

*Yakko: Useless fact. A shrimp's heart is in its head. What's wrong? Headache?

*Shrimp: No, heartburn.

(Drums play)

*Yakko: This has been another...

(Rock saying "useless fact" hits ground loudly)

*Yakko: Useless fact.

Rita and Runt intro[]

(music)

*Warner Trio:

Like Abbott and Costello

Like Sonny and Cher

Like Martin and Lewis they're a perfect pair

(Runt slides mud into Rita)

Like laurel and hardy,

(Runt lets go of the piano, which squashes Rita)

Like Fontanne and Lunt.

They're perfectly mismatched,

They're Rita and Runt.

(Both come out of trash can. Runt hugs Rita.)

Kiki's Kitten[]

*Dr 1: Dr. Baboo, so kind of you to come. Thank you for asking me,

*Dr 2: Dr. Himp. I only hope that I may be of help to you in your primatial researchings.

*Dr 1: As you can see, these are our gorillas in the mist. Perfectly harmless. Completely at peace.

*Dr 2: Mm-hm. Very misty.

*Dr 1: And here are our gorillas at the Ritz.

(Gorillas grunt and dance to Puttin' on the Ritz)

*Dr 2: Mm-hm. Very dancy.

*Dr 1: This one's the problem. Kiki, the angriest ape in the world.

(Gorilla roars and slaps chest, cuts down tree, roars and slaps chest, collides into glass wall)

*Dr 2: Aah! In all my years studying gorillas in the Kahuzi-Biega, I have never seen such aggressionality.

*Dr 1: That is why she's kept separate from the other social groupings.

*Dr 2: Has she not responded to mist?

*Dr 1: No, no, not at all. And she refuses to learn choreography. We need your help, Dr. Baboo, to find a way to pacify her.

*Rita (singing): Meow, meow meow meow meow meow ow ow ow.

*Dr 2: Something outside has pacificated her. Quick, let us see what it might be.

*Rita (singing):

Stomach's empty And I need to find food

*Stray:

This trash can Belongs to me

*Rita: Some stray cats can be so awfully rude

Trash is public property

Don't mess with me I am in a bad mood

*Both: Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow meow-ow-ow-ow.

*Stray: Bye-bye, kitten Hope someday ya find food

*Rita: (Picked up by scientist) Huh. Hey!

(Stray laughs)

*Rita: Runt!

*Runt: Oh, that's not a duck. Yeah, it is a duck. Oh, that's a good duck. That's a very bad, bad duck.

(Warners chased by Ralph)

*Runt: Oh, that's a good duck. Oh-ho. Oh, big duck. (Snoring)

*Rita: Something tells me I'm gonna hate this episode.

*Kiki: Ooh (stretches Rita's mouth).

*Rita: Put me down, ape face.

*Dr 1: The kitten has placated her.

*Dr 2: Now, either Kiki's maternal instincts will overcome her aggressionality or she will tear the kitten's head off.

*Dr 1: Let's watch.

(Kiki takes Rita, hugs hard, bites hair)

*Rita: Cut that out! Hair by Lyle Lovett.

(Kiki chews and spits out leaves)

*Rita: Blech! No, thanks. Call me weird, but monkey saliva takes all the fun out of eating.

*Kiki: Uh-uh-uh.

(Rita refuses, Kiki roars, forces leaves in Rita's mouth)

*Rita: Aah! (Spits, turns green and falls out of tree) Aah! (Kiki catches her) I think I'll pass on dessert.

*Kiki: (Stretches Rita's arms) Yeow-ow!

*Rita: (Shivers)

*Kiki: (Moves around) Ooh.

*Rita: Oh, brother. Yeah, yeah, like this, right?

(Kiki cheers, Rita runs, Kiki snatches Rita.)

*Rita: Ape slobber, yum.

*Kiki: Ooh, ooh.

*Rita: Oh, I get it. Monkey see, monkey do. No.

*Kiki: (Squashes Rita) Ooh, ooh.

*Rita: Look, I speak cat, not gorilla, okay?

(Rita gets squashed)

*Kiki: Ooh, ooh!

*Rita: She couldn't possibly bop me again.

*Kiki: (Slams Rita)

*Rita: Ooh, ooh. I'm "ooh-ooh"-ing.

(Kiki is happy, slams Rita.)

*Dr 1: Astounding. Kiki's happy.

*Dr 2: And the kitten is exhibiting gorilla-like behavioralisms as well.

*Kiki: Ooh, ooh (snaps fingers, ties Rita's tail to branch).

*Rita: Send in the organ grinder.

(Kiki has tea, jibbers)

*Rita: You dated King Kong? No.

*Kiki: Uh-huh.

*Rita: Yeah, right, and I'm Fay Wray. Give me a break. (Cries, gets grabbed) Now what? Oh, no. No way.

(Rita runs, Kiki roars and screams, chases. Rita escapes through bars and evades Kiki's grip. Kiki goes mad, smashes wall.)

*Man 1: Mad ape!

(Both scream, run)

*Stray: I told ya, this is my trash. Beat it or I'll claw your nose. (Taken by Kiki) Aaagh!

(Kiki slobbers on stray)

*Rita: Enjoy.

(Both drs get squashed and scream. Runt snores.)

*Rita: Aah!

*Runt: Gah! Get away from me, you evil duck. Na-ah-ah-ah-ah! (Snorts) Huh? Huh? Oh? Huh? Oh? I had a bad dream, Rita. Definitely, definitely had a very bad dream.

*Rita: Me too, Runt. Me too.

Useless Fact[]

*Yakko: And now another...

(Rock saying "useless fact" crushed sign saying "Useful fact")

*Yakko: Useless fact. Starfish have no brain. Uh, excuse me?

*Starfish: Yup?

*Yakko: Could you tell me where the beach is?

*Starfish: Mmm... Nope.

*Yakko: This has been another...

(Rock saying "useless fact" hits ground loudly)

*Yakko: Useless fact.

End[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Runt: It's over. It's definitely over.

Advertisement