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Theme song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-

Totally insane-y

*Dot

Come back Shane-y

*All:

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Intermission[]

(music)

*Warners (singing):

Who can turn the stove on With her smile?

Who can take a bubble bath

And suddenly fill it With crocodiles?

'Cause it's you, Dot and you should know it

Put nitro on a bridge, go ahead and blow it.

Mud is all around I guess it's spring

Name another crooner other than Bing

Don't throw your hat up in the air

(Dot throws hat up, Ralph sneaks. Ralph gets crushed by fridge)

'Cause what might land Is a Frigidaire.

*Yakko:

Dot

Windsor Hassle[]

*Man: The building behind me is Windsor Castle, one of the royal family's most magnificent dwellings. Sadly, a fire in 1992 destroyed much of the castle's interior. Queen Elizabeth herself is personally supervising the restoration of the grand banquet room, the showpiece of this remarkable structure. For the next three hours, we'll examine this restoration. We'll find out how it was done. We'll explore-

*Children: We want to see a cartoon! We wanted cartoons!

*Man: All right, fine. We'll just see a silly little cartoon about the whole thing.

*Children: Yay!

*Man: Wretched, snotty, little children.

*Announder: And now, the cartoon.

*Queen: (Reads Modern Queen magazine) Put some elbow into it! We must have this room finished in time for the banquet tonight. Chop, chop!

(Charles and Diana bump while painting wall. Both blow raspberries.)

*Edward: Really, Mummy, why do we have to redecorate the banquet room?

*Queen: Because we used up the budget on the rest of the castle. Now, back to work!

*Anne: (Sobbing) I'll never be queen!

*Andrew: My paintbrush doesn't work!

*Sarah: Twit.

*Queen Mother: I don't wanna do this poop anymore. I want some tea.

(All complain)

*Queen: Silence! All day long, whine, whine, whine! What kind of family have we raised?! Just look at you. Well, if you don't want to help, then leave.

*All: (Run) Hooray!

*Queen: Hmph! We'll just do it ourselves. (Tries, stops painting) We'll never have it finished for tonight's banquet.

(The queen's bag wiggles)

*Yakko: Hey, move over.

*Wakko: You move over.

*Yakko and Wakko: Hello, queen! Mwah (kiss queen)!

*Queen: Ew.

*Yakko: You know, you really oughta clean that purse.

(Wakko coughs)

Who are you?

*Yakko and Wakko:

We're the Warner brothers!

*Wakko: And we proudly present (Horn plays loudly)

(Queen smacked into wall)

*Yakko: Her Decorating Highness, Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bo Besca the 3rd.

*Dot: Ta-da (comes from carpet)! Decorator Dot, at your service.

*Queen: You, a decorator? What are your credentials?

*Dot: Well... I'm cheap.

*Queen: (Cash register rings) You're hired!

*Yakko: She might even let us fix London Bridge.

*Wakko: Why's that?

*Yakko: Keeps falling down.

*Queen: Now, we would like you to begin work immediately.

*Wakko: Who'd like us to begin?

*Queen: We would. Us. Ourselves.

*Wakko: How many people you got in there? (Opens queen's mouth very wide) Hello? Hello?

*Queen: Get away from us!

*Yakko: She needs therapy. All right, Sybil, who am I speaking to now?

*Queen: We insist that you stop this. You people are crazy.

*Yakko: Look who's talkin'.

(Warners babble)

*Queen: We are not amused.

*Yakko: Well, we certainly are.

(Warners laugh, rolling on the floor)

*Queen: Stop this foolishness!

*Yakko: All right, but if you freak out again, we're using the elephant tranquilizer.

*Dot: Listen, lady, we've got a lot of work to do, so why don't you just go do your little queen things?

*Queen: Well! (Sits on whoopee cushion) Oh, my.

*Wakko: You found it! Thanks. (Takes whoopee custion)

(Queen growls)

*Dot: That's gotta go.

(Wakko takes statue with wet paint sign.)

*Dot: And that.

(Takes knight statue)

*Dot: And that.

(Queen gets thrown into air, screams)

*Edward: (In pink shoes) Mummy, look at me! I'm Papageno in The Magic Flute. (Dances away)

(Queen growls, and knocks door)

*Queen: Knock, knock.

*Wakko: Who's there?

*Queen: The queen

*Wakko: The queen, who?

*Queen: The queen of England!

*Wakko: (Opens door) That's not a very funny knock-knock joke.

*Queen: (Screams) What have you done? A dinette set? The royal banquet room has a dinette set?

*Dot: You like?

*Queen: No!

*Yakko: Well, what does Sybil think?

*Queen mother: I want some tea.

*Queen: Oh, not now, Mummy.

*Wakko: That's not a mummy (wraps queen mother in wraps). Now, that's a mummy.

(Queen mother mumbles, walks away)

*Queen: You people have ruined everything. The royal banquet's tonight, and look at this room. It's all wrong!

*Dot: Well, how should it look?

*Queen: Like that. That's how it was before the fire.

*Wakko: We can do that.

*Dot: Yeah, no prob.

*Yakko: It's just gonna cost a little more.

*Queen: More? More money? But, there's no more in the budget. It's all gone! Gone! (Sobs)

*Yakko: All right, sibs, let's get to work.

*Dot: But how's she gonna pay for it?

*Yakko: I have an idea.

*Man: That's right, Yakko had a brilliant idea. An idea that would pay for the cost of the redecorating.

(People inside banquet room chatter.)

*Crowd: It's gorgeous. You'd never know there'd been a fire.

(Wakko puts a hot dish on a customer's plate. Dot puts soup in a bowl. Yakko gives meat)

*Dot: You're a smarty every day.

(Wakko grins)

*Queen: Let's see. That's fruit cup, mashed potatoes- (slaps) Move your hand! Two pats of butter. That's extra. Oh, goody, goody. (Cash register dings) We should open up a whole chain!

(Queen Quisine restaurant opens)

*Man: And that's just what the queen did. She opened up a whole chain of cafeterias. How did she do it? What was the process? For the next three hours-

(Anvil drops on man's head)

*Yakko: (British accent) We declare this cartoon officially over. Be free.

*Children: Yay! Yay!

*Queen mother: I still want my tea! (Scene change) The building behind me is Windsor Castle, one of the royal family's most magnificent dwellings.

(Anvil drops on queen mother)

Slappy Squirrel intro[]

*Warners: The crankiest of creatures in the whole wide world, our next cartoon features Slappy the Squirrel!

*Slappy; E-nough with the singing already!

*Warners: That's Slapp-y

...And Justice For Slappy[]

*Bailiff: Court is in session. Honorable Judge Lupine presiding.

*Judge: Let's get this thing rolling. State v. Slappy Squirrel. Charge is assault with intent to squash. How does the defendant plead?

*Slappy: This is an outrage! I can't believe they're givin' this Urkel kid a Golden Wombat Award. He's never even done a spit take. Uh, not guilty as charged, there.

*Judge: Is prosecution ready?

*Lawyer: Ready to see justice done, Your Honor.

(Walter imagines poking Slappy, laughs)

*Skippy: Aunt Slappy, I don't think you can get a fair trial here.

*Slappy: Whatever gave you that idea?

(Wolf crowd holds up sign, "hang Slappy")

*Slappy: Listen, don't worry about the whole jurisprudence, change of venue, e pluribus unum thing here. I got a dynamite case.

*Judge: Very well, prosecution may proceed. And hurry up. I've got a clog-dancing lesson at 2.

*Lawyer: I call Walter Wolf to the stand. You've had a horrible experience, haven't you?

*Walter: Oh, yes. I just want this to be over so I can go back to helping people in need.

*All: Aww.

*Slappy: Oh, please, Walter. If you acted that good in your cartoons, you'd be swimmin' in Oscars.

*Lawyer: Walter, in your own words, describe the events of June 4th.

*Walter: Well, what really happened was this (imagines event):

*Walter: (voiceover) I was taking my morning constitutional through the forest, trying, in my small way, to make the woods a better place to live (bird on hand).

*Walter: Good morning, brother birdie. (Bird chirps gets seed and kisses Walter)

(Skippy cries)

*Walter: (voiceover) Then, to my surprise, I heard young Skippy Squirrel crying.

*Walter: Why, Skippy, my young friend, whatever happened to you?

*Skippy: Aunt Slappy yelled at me for no reason.

*Walter: Oh, now, you mustn't be too harsh on your old aunt. Her brain hasn't gotten any oxygen since the early '70s. It's not her fault. I've brought her a wagon full of yummy cakes. I'll bet they make everything better.

*Walter: (voiceover) I waved a cheerful goodbye to Skippy. Then I merrily pranced to Slappy's house.

(Rings doorbell, flames still rise from the top)

*Slappy: (Slappy has devil horns and glowing eyes) Walter Wolf, you miserable do-gooder.

*Walter: Good morning, Slappy. I've brought you yummy cakes that will snap you out of your foul mood.

*Slappy: Look at your feet (rope around Walter's feet).

*Walter: What's the meaning of this, my old friend and associate?

*Slappy: I'm gonna get ya, Walter. You know why? For no good reason at all.

*Walter: Hoo! Let me go. I've done nothing.

*Walter: (voiceover) And so, to my dismay, what had begun as a day of good works was fast becoming a carnival of terror.

(Crowd sobs, imagination ends)

*Walter: *sob* I only wanted to help. Was that such a crime?

*Judge: (Sadly) Of course not, Walter. (Whispers) By the way, golf this Sunday?

*Walter: Sure, Ed. Let's tee off at 9:00. My best to the missus.

*Judge: No further questions. Your witness.

*Slappy: Walter, do you know that you're under oath?

*Walter: Yes.

*Slappy: Do you know that perjury is against the law?

*Walter: (Gulps) Yes.

*Slappy: Do you know if pita bread and hot root beer will give ya gas?

*Walter: Uh, I don't know.

*Slappy: No further questions.

*Skippy: Aunt Slappy, why'd you ask that question?

*Slappy: I was just curious.

*Lawyer: (Paces around Skippy). State your name.

*Skippy: Skippy Squirrel. Occupation?

*Lawyer: Uh, I'm a squirrel.

*Slappy: Ooh, riveting questioning, don't ya think?

*Lawyer: Now, then, describe for the court what you claim to have seen on the morning of June 4th.

*Skippy: Okay, what really happened was this:

*Skippy: (voiceover) I was on my way to visit Aunt Slappy when Walter Wolf drove by in a huge catapult.

(Walter has glowing eyes and pointed ears. Walter has a catapult on a car. An umbrella is above Walter.)

*Skippy: (voiceover) He looked so scary that my fur hurt. And so I hid. And then he said:

(Flames around Walter burn.)

*Walter: Only Slappy Squirrel stands between me and total control of the woodland. Once she's gone, I'll bend this forest to my fiendish will. (Laughs, target Slappy on computer.) Who says you have to be a coyote to set traps? I'm gonna whop Slappy so hard, her IQ will go up 20 points. (Gets bees out) Bees. I'll toss bees into her home. Nobody likes that (Simulation plays, flight of the bumblebees, Slappy knocked by catapult).

*Walter: My final act of vengeance on Slappy Squirrel. Ooh, wrongdoing is good.

*Skippy: (voiceover) Walter was gonna throw bees at Aunt Slappy! I couldn't believe it! Aunt Slappy is the most nicest squirrel in the whole wide world.

(Slappy has halo above her)

*Skippy: (voiceover) I had to warn her.

*Skippy: It's a trap, Aunt Slappy!

*Walter: Get lost, ya overgrown rat! (kicks Skippy away).

*Skippy: (voiceover) And Walter booted me, and I rolled a lot.

(Skippy collides into wall)

*Skippy: And then there was all these explosions, and I didn't see what happened. But later, Aunt Slappy came and got me, and we ate a pear. That's the truth.

(Crowd snores, judge on phone, lawyer on paddle-ball)

*Judge: Did you tell him it had jelly in it?

*Walter: (Yawns) Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. Oh, sorry. Are you done? Your witness.

*Slappy: Hi, Skippy.

*Skippy: Hi, Aunt Slappy.

*Slappy: Answer this question to the best of your knowledge: Do you know if Mr. Magoo is in jail in Mexico?

*Skippy: Yes.

*Slappy: Oh, that's too bad. I always wondered what happened to him. No further questions here.

*Skippy: Aunt Slappy, ya gotta ask better questions. They're gonna railroad you.

*Wolf: All aboard!

(Train whistle sounds)

*Slappy: Relax. I'm just warmin' up here.

*Lawyer: I now call to the stand Slappy Squirrel.

*Judge: Slappy Squirrel, take the stand.

*Lawyer: Ms. Squirrel, tell the court what you claim happened on the morning of June 4th. Just the high points. I have to pick up my kid from Gymboree.

*Slappy: This is what really happened: I was sweepin' out some old junk from my house when I heard my nephew.

*Skippy: It's a trap, Aunt Slappy!

*Slappy: (voiceover) When you get to be my age, you've seen every trap in the book. And sure enough, there was Walter usin' rope-snare trap number 435.

*Slappy: This is too embarrassin' to watch.

(Walter gets rope, gets bees and laughs, throws.)

*Slappy: (Gets bee mask) Looks like fourth down and long here (kicks bee hive onto Walter's head).

*Walter: Yow! Ooch! Ow! Oh, I don't like bees. Ouch! Ooh! But who does? Are you kiddin'? I believe that's on my medical alert bracelet! Hoo. Hyah! Hoo. Oh. Hoo-ah!

*Slappy: Hey, Walter, you look good in a beehive. (Laughs), Ah, somebody stop me.

*Slappy: (voiceover) Like the old sayin' goes: "Give someone enough rope and they'll tie it to a catapult. ", or somethin' like that. Whaddya want from me? I'm old.

(Walter gets caught on rope, hit with rock.)

*Slappy: (voiceover) For Walter, it wasn't a bad trap, but it needed a pinch of something extra to make it special.

(Slappy gets large amount of TNT to Walter.)

*Slappy: Call me old-fashioned, but I've always been a believer in the Big Bang Theory.

*Slappy: (voiceover) So I added enough explosives to blow up Greenland.

*Slappy: As a professional, I take my work seriously. (Gets rocket, gets lever, makes Walter fall on lever, which explodes TNT. Imagination ends.)

*Slappy: As you can see, the way Walter and Skippy told, it was way off. I didn't just squash him. I blasted him into little pieces of lint like you find at the bottom of your purse.

*Lawyer: Prosecution rests.

*Slappy: All finished here.

*Judge: Very well, Slappy. The jury's decision will be final. Has the jury reached a verdict?

*Jury: Uh, we have, Your Honor. Uh, we, the jury, find the defendant, uh, Slappy Squirrel, uh... not guilty.

*Judge: What?

*Lawyer and Walter: No!

(Tnt under crowd. Crowd teeth chatter, Walter and lawyer's mouths drop to ground.)

*Slappy: Good choice.

*Walter: (Gets out of crutches) Hoo. You said I couldn't lose! You said everything was taken care of! If you weren't my grandson, I'd really clobber you, you meshuggener.

*Lawyer: Ow. Cut it out, Grandpa. I'm an attorney. I'm bonded (forced away).

*Skippy: Wow, Aunt Slappy, that was really neat. But how did you win?

*Slappy: I told ya, Skippy, I had a dynamite case.

(Boom! All fall to floor)

*Slappy: Ha! Now, that's comedy.

Wheel of Morality[]

*Yakko: It's that time again.

*Wakko: To chew up airtime?

*Dot: To waste our lives?

*Yakko: No, it's time to learn the day's lesson. And to find out what it is, we turn to... the Wheel of Morality. Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn. Moral number six. And the moral of today's story is: "Possums have pouches like kangaroos." (shrugs)

(Whistle blows)

*Warners: Yike!

End[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Skippy: Spew!

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