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Newsreel of the stars[]

*Narrator: "Newsreel of the Stars," dateline Hollywood 1930. The Warner Brothers studio. Here at the studio's new animation department, the artists toil endlessly to come up with cartoon stars. Ultimately creating three new characters: the Warner Brothers and their sister Dot.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Hello, nurse!

*Narrator: Unfortunately, the Warner kids went totally out of control.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy!

*Narrator: The trio ran amok throughout the studio...until their capture. The Warners' films, which made absolutely no sense, were locked away in the studio vault, never to be released. As for the Warners themselves, they were locked away in the studio water tower, also never to be released. Publicly, the studio has disavowed any knowledge of the Warners' existence to this very day...when the Warners escaped!

Theme song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-

Totally insane-y

*Dot:

Here's the show's name-y

*Warners:

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Turkey Jerky[]

(Map showing sailing)

*Narrator: In 1620, an intrepid group of pilgrims in search of freedom sailed from England and landed on Plymouth Rock. And here on the coast of New England, they established the Plymouth Colony.

(Town shown birdseye view.)

*Narrator: After their difficult first year, they decided to celebrate their freedom and their first harvest with a great feast.

*Man 1: But of what food shall we eat?

*Man 2: I'll maketh my okra quiche.

*Woman 1: Oh! I'll maketh salmon tacos.

*Man 3: I'll maketh curly Cajun fries.

*Man 4: Oh, I love thy curly Cajun fries. They are to dieth for.

*Pilgrim: NOOOO! We shall eat of the great native bird. The turkey. Those gobbley things?

*Man 1: Oh, they art the dickens to catcheth.

*Man 2: Oh, yes. Very elusive.

*Woman 1: Tricky creatures.

*Man 5: Tough to nabeth.

*Crowd: Very tough. Yes, very tough. I should sayeth so. (Chatters)

*Pilgrim: Not for Miles Standish.

*Narrator: And so the pilgrims' bravest hunter and marksman went forth to bringeth back the main course: a turkey.

(Slappy and Skippy cameo)

*Crowd: Bye! Bye! Bye-bye! Bye-bye! Bye! Buh-bye-bye!

*Old woman 1: Good luck to thee, Brother Standish.

*Man 6: And don't forget the cranberry sauce.

(Branch cracks)

*Elmer: Shh! Be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm hunting wab-

*Pilgrim: (Throws Elmer in bush) Go away.

(Turkey gobbles to tune of turkey of the straw.)

(Pilgrim hides, shoots 2 blue feathers and 1 pink feather.)

*Yakko: Thanks a lot, pal. These are rentals. You'll be hearing from our lawyer.

*Pilgrim: Ye be not turkeys. What be ye?

*Warners: Tourist.

*Yakko: I be Yakking Yak.

*Wakko: I be Wakko Who Waltzes With Wolves. (Wild swing plays)

*Dot: And I be Princess Pretty Dear, who moves like a springtime-fresh gazelle, sweet as honey, and is sweet. But you can call me Dot. Or are you the kind of guy who never calls a girl? You cad! I'm leaving you. I'm going home to mother! Nyah (pokes tongue)! And I'm keeping the ring!

*Wakko: And this is our pet. Say hello to Mr. Gobble.

(Turkey gobbles)

*Pilgrim: Hello. And goodbye.

(Turkey screams, runs away. Yakko whacks gun away)

*Yakko: Hey, who do you think you are?

*Pilgrim: I be Miles Standish from yon pilgrim colony.

*Yakko: Nice hat, Miles. Hey, listen, it's not too neighborly to shoot other people's pets, you know.

*Pilgrim: That bird I doth need for our great feast.

*Dot: No, please! Not Mr. Gobble. Take me. Take me. Go on. But spare the bird. We love him so. Oh, please. Spare the simple creature. (Sobbing)

(Academy members vote now)

*Yakko: Congratulations. (Hands award statue)

*Dot: It pays to overact.

*Pilgrim: You be strange creatures.

*Yakko: We're not creatures. We're Native Americans.

*Pilgrim: Thou dost not look like Native Americans.

*Wakko: Confidentially, we're adopted.

*Yakko: Yeah, it's a heck of a story. Lost in the wilderness.

*Yakko and Wakko: We were raised by a flock of turkeys. (Both gobble)

*Yakko: We'd like to tell you more, but we're saving it for a movie of the week.

*Dot: Who do you think should play me? Valerie Bertinelli?

*Pilgrim: I do not know this name.

(Dot gets book out)

*Dot: How about Nancy McKeon? Or Jackie Smith could be good for a more mature look.

(Pilgrim pushes Dot away, points gun at turkey.)

*Pilgrim: Move away, for yon bird is dinner.

(Turkey gobbles)

*Wakko: But he's our pet. We love him!

(Turkey gobbles)

*Pilgrim: I care not.

*Wakko: Why? Haven't you ever had a pet?

*Pilgrim: No- Well yes, but 'twas long ago when l was but a boy. My dear pet hamster. (Sighs) I called him "Petey Pajamas." (Sighs)

(Warners set up chair, Yakko has beard, Dot is doctor.)

*Yakko: Yes, tell me all about Petey.

*Pilgrim: Oh, I didst love that hamster so. I tooketh him to bed with me every night, you know.

*Yakko: Goodnight, everybody.

*Pilgrim: Oh, golly, yes. And I did knit him teeny-tiny pajamas to wear. He slept on my nose. I misseth him so. (Sniffles) My wittle Petey Pajamas.

(Yakko writes outline of nail, baseball and arrow)

*Pilgrim: (Sucks on finger, sobbing)

*Dot: There, there. It's all right. Nappy-nap time for our cranky pilgrim friend (wraps him into a bed, kicks away bed).

*Pilgrim: Huh?

*Yakko: Sweet dreams. And stay away from our pet turkey.

(Pilgrim falls off cliff. Warners walk away.)

*Pilgrim: (Breathes) This be a rough neighborhood. (Sneaks) Oh, fowl that be called turk, I shall have thee.

(Turkey sneaks up on Pilgrim.)

*Turkey: Shhh (gobbles, rushes behind Pilgrim, twice.)!

*Pilgrim: I doth hear it, but doth not see it.

(Turkey gobbles on Pilgrim's head, multiple times)

*Pilgrim: I am baffled most verily. (Notices) There ye be (whacks himself on head).

(Turkey gobbles and pokes Pilgrim's nose, runs away. Pilgrim growls and chases. Turkey gobbles Turkey in the straw. Goes inside log, inside houses that get smaller. Warners pop out of very small house.)

*Warners: Us again! Mmm-mwah (kisses Pilgrim)! Be gone, pests, and give me the bird.

*Yakko: We'd love to, really, but the Fox censors won't allow it.

*Pilgrim: Say thy prayers, beast.

(Turkey gobbles, Pilgrim points at Turkey)

*Yakko: (Points away gun, speaks in Irish accent.) Hut-hut-hut, wait, my son. Is this the answer? Using a gun on a helpless creature?

*Pilgrim: Well, I-

*Yakko: (American accent) You might poke someone's eye out with that thing. (Irish accent) And you'd break your mother's heart. (American accent) Not to mention Petey Pajamas'.

*Pilgrim: (Sighs) Yak no more! And give me back mine musket.

(Wakko chomps on Pilgrim's musket. Eats it all.)

*Pilgrim: Mine musket. Why, you little-

(Wakko shoots Pilgrim's hat. Shoots more, each with shotgun noise.)

*Pilgrim: Ahh! (runs into bush, which gets destroyed, then rock, then tree. Tree falls on head.)

*Yakko: (Hammers in tap.) Who wants maple syrup?

*Yakko and Wakko: I do! I do! (Pilgrim lands into jar as sap.) It's made out of sap, you know.

(Pilgrim roars and gets out of jar. Turkey gobbles and kisses Pilgrim. He spits. Turkey gobbles turkey in the straw, while Pilgrim disguises as bush.)

*Pilgrim: I doth have no musket, but I shall still naileth yon bird.

(Pilgrim shoots arrow, Yakko ties rope to arrow.)

*Wakko: Nice shot.

*Pilgrim: Thank ye.

*Dot: But it'll never make it.

*Pilgrim: Pray tell, why not?

*Yakko: 'Cause of the piano.

*Pilgrim: Piano?

(Piano crashes into Pilgrim, crash! Wakko and turkey play chopsticks on piano, which is in Pilgram's mouth. Bow.)

*Pilgrim: Argh! (Chases)

(Warners and Turkey run on top of screen, defying gravity. Pilgrim does to, then Turkey points at ground and Pilgrim falls.)

*Pilgrim: Oof!

(Pilgrim runs fast, all run into house. Warners come from ladder.)

*Yakko: Whoa, dumber than advertised.

(Yakko takes off houses, Pilgrim is very small.)

*Pilgrim: What be the meaning of this? I- I- I

*Yakko: Ooh, hey, there's a surprise inside.

*Pilgrim: Why, ye- I- I

*Wakko: Looky, Mr. Gobble. Supper.!

(Turkey slurps, gobbles.)

*Pilgrim: Yipes! (Chased) Whoa, get thee away! Desist! Forsooth! Gadzooks!

*Yakko: I can't watch.

(Turkey gobbles. Yakko puts houses on. Pilgrim is now normal-sized.)

*Pilgrim: Keep it away. It be a killer!

(Pilgrim sucks on thumb.)

*Wakko and Dot: Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

(Turkey comes out normal sized. Pilgrim whimpers, Turkey gobbles.)

*Pilgrim: (Turns face red) I am finished with thee! All of thee! Now, hither, go! Leaveth me be!

*Dot: You'll be lonely if we go away.

*Pilgrim: No, I won't.

*Warners: Yes, you will.

*Pilgrim: No, I won't.

*Warners: Yes, you will.

*Pilgrim: No, I won't!

*Warners: Yes, You Will!

*Pilgrim: I WILT NOT BE LONELY!!! NOW, GO!!!

(Warners take props, it's a blank white screen. Pilgrim panics)

*Pilgrim: Hello? (Walks far away, a little to the left) Hello? Hello? Ist anyone there? They kiddeth not. I amlonely. I be lonely. (Sobs)

*Warners: Told you so.

*Dot: Did you miss us?

*Warners: Mmm-mwah (Kiss Pilgrim)!

(Turkey gobbles and comes out from Pilgrim's hat, kisses Pilgrim. Pilgrim falls over.)

*Man 1: We doth welcome our native neighbors to our great feast. Now, what be this thou hast brought (dish brought)?

*Yakko: (Opens dish, Pilgrim is inside, with chicken hat on head.) Why, a great turkey, of course.

(Pilgrim gobbles)

*Man 1: Then with this feast, we shall give thanks and call it, um...

*Crowd: St. Patty's Day? Halloween? Arbor Day? Shrove Tuesday? Cinco de Mayo?

*Warners: How about "Thanksgiving"?

*Man 1: This be a great name. (Laughs) Thank ye.

*Yakko: Always glad to be of service.

(Wakko and Dot eat corn like typewriter. Turkey and Pilgrim gobble, and then do too, and then get their necks tangled.)

Wild Blue Yonder[]

(Mother bird coos, imagines hungry children, goes to get food.)

*Bird: Mama. Mama? Mama! (Sees plane) Mommy? Vroom. Vroom. Vroom. Vroom. Vroom (Falls off tree, flies)! Whoa! (Chases plane) Mommy! Mommy! Wait for me. (Pants in the city) Mama? Mama? Huh (Sees traditional plane.)? Wow! (Imitates gunfire of plane, using the same sound clip 5 times in a row, collides into board.) Oof!

*Announcer: Top Flyers. Coming soon to a theater near you.

*Bird: (Chases modern plane to a camp dent) Mommy! Wait for me. Mommy. Mommy. Oh, Mommy. Mommy. (Sees plane, goes onto plane, sighs because it's flying, then chases.) Mommy, wait up (Goes into plane).

(Danger, target area. Look out.)

*Bird: Look. Eggies. Eggy, eggy, eggies. Hello, little brother. Hello, little sister (kisses bomb, then the bomb falls from the sky). Uh-oh. Oh, no, Mama. No! Eggy gonna break. Eggy gonna break! (Tries to hold bomb above the ground) Gotta save eggy. Gotta save eggy. (Gasps, bombs explode, Bird goes to impact crater.) Uh-oh. Eggy broke. (Bombs land around Bird. Goes away, runs back to nest, pants) Mama?

*Mom: (Gasps, chirps)

*Bird: Mama.

(Mom sighs, gets more food. 2 more eggs hatch.)

*Birds: Mama. Mama. Mama.

(Modern plane soars, )

*Birds: Mama! Mama! Mama! Vroom! Vroom! Vroom!

*Bird: No. Not Mama. No. Not Mama.

*Bird: Vroom! Vroom! Vroom!

*Bird: Kids. Mama (mom comes back).

(All hug and snuggle)

Wheel of Morality[]

*Yakko: It's that time again.

*Wakko: To make fun of people in Range Rovers?

*Dot: To discuss how cute I am?

*Yakko: No. It's time to learn the day's lesson. And to find out what it is, we turn to the Wheel of Morality. Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn. Moral number two. And the moral of today's story is: don't eat with your mouth full.

*Dot: That is so deep.

*Wakko: I'm still completely confused.

(Whistle blows)

*Warners: YIKE!

End[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

(Mama's little baby loves shortnin bread instrumental, slowly)

*Dot: Set three extra places.

*Warners: We're comin' over for dinner!

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