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Newsreel of the stars[]

*Narrator: "Newsreel of the stars". Dateline, Hollywood, 1930. The Warner Bros. Studio. Home of the biggest stars in Tinseltown. Here at the studio's new animation department, the artists toil endlessly to come up with cartoon stars, ultimately creating three new characters: the warner brothers and their sister Dot.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Hello, nurse!

(Warners bounce around)

*Narrator: Unfortunately, the Warner kids were totally out of control.

(Wakko takes pen, paintbrush draws young adult grown-up mature male man animator's face with extra-large oversized exaggerated eyebrows and mustache)

*Narrator: And sent the animators running to the hills.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Bye! Boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy!

(Paper flies everywhere, Yakko was here)

*Narrator: The trio ran amuck throughout the studio, creating utter chaos.

(All run, scream)

*Narrator: Finally, they were captured. The Warners' films, which made absolutely no sense, were locked away in the studio vault, never to be released. As for the warners themselves, who made even less sense, they were locked away in the studio water tower, also never to be released. Publicly, the studio has disavowed any knowledge of the warners' existence to this very day, when the warners escaped.

Theme song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-

Totally insane-y

*Dot:

Here's the show's name-y

*Warners:

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Dot's Poetry Corner[]

*Narrator: And now, Dot's poetry corner.

*Dot: (Clears throat) "Requiem for a lamb. " Mary had a little lamb, with mint jelly thank you.

(Audience fingers clicking)

*Narrator: this has been another visit to Dot's poetry corner.

Mobster Mash[]

(Tarantella Napoletana remix plays)

*Warners:

Ravioli, pepperoni

Tortellini and spumoni

Funicello, mastroianni

Toscanini, baked salami...

*Yakko:

Minestrone, extra cheesy

*Dot:

Fried cungilli

*Wakko:

Over easy

*Warners:

Muscatelli, apple betty

Rigatoni and spaghetti

La, la, la, la la, la, la, la la, la, la, la, la, hey!

(Door opens and closes, Warners read meal list)

*Yakko (spoken): Uhh... I think the cartoon just started.

*Godfather: What are those kids doing in my personal and private booth?

*Man 1: I don't know, godfather.

*Man 2: You want we should off 'em, boss?

*Godfather: No. This infringement I will handle on my own. (Clears throat)

*Dot: We're not ready to order yet.

(Warners make kissing sounds)

*Godfather: (Face red, growling) (clears throat, growls)

*Yakko: All right, already. We'll have the pisghetti and meatballs.

*Godfather: I'm not your waiter. I am Don Pepperoni, the godfather.

*Dot: Can we call you "Daddoo"?

*Godfather: You will call me "The godfather. "

*Yakko: I like "Daddoo" better.

*Wakko: Me too.

*Godfather: This is my booth, and I want you out.

*Wakko: But we were here first.

*Yakko: Hey, why don't you go sit in one of those other booths, daddoo?

*Godfather: Stop calling me "Daddoo. " I'm the godfather, and that's my booth and I want you out.

*Yakko: Looks like somebody never learned to share.

*Godfather: You come here to this restaurant, sit in my personal and private booth and insult me?!

*Dot: Of course not. If we wanted to insult you, we would have called you "Tubby mushroomhead man. " (Stretches head)

*Godfather: (Groans, angrily) Show these kids the door.

*Yakko: That's okay. We can see it from here.

(Man 1 picks Warners up by ears)

*Yakko: Oooh, nice door.

*Wakko: Faboo.

*Dot: great hinges.

(Warners thrown out)

*Yakko: Was it something we said?

*Godfather: Waiter. Waiter! Bring me my pasta.

*Yakko and Wakko (singing):

You called out for a waiter here we are for you

We'll serve your food much later we're the warner waiter two...

*Dot:

Don't order the fondue.

*Yakko (spoken) Now, for lunch. Allow me to suggest the chef's salad. The chef couldn't finish his.

(Shows lettuce with tomatoes and fake teeth)

*Godfather: That's disgusting (throws food away).

*Yakko: So, what'll it be, daddoo? The calamari or the squid?

*Godfather: The calamari is squid.

*Yakko: Well, how 'bout the pasta or the noodles?

*Godfather: The pasta is noodles.

*Yakko: Well, would you like red sauce or marinara?

*Godfather: Marinara is red sauce.

*Yakko: Zucchini or squash? Ham or prosciutto? Drink or beverage?

*Godfather: They're all the same!

*Yakko: Do you realize this cuts our menu in half?

*Godfather: That does it! (Claps)

(2 subordinates surround Godfather)

*Yakko: Hey, I can do that.

(Yakko claps, subordinates disperse, Godfather claps, subordinates come back. This repeats, Warners clap with Spanish music playing. Wakko has maracas)

*Warners: aye, aye, aye, aye

*Godfather: Stop it! Remove these little pests.

*Men: Yes, don pepperoni. (Kiss Godfather's hand)

*Warners: Eww!

*Godfather: Now!

(Men try to throw Warners out, men get kicked out in separate cut.)

*Men: What happened?

(Godfather eats spaghetti, Dot eats until their lips touch)

*Dot: Eww. You've been eating garlic (sprays perfume).

*Godfather: Why, you lousy kid.

*Wakko: is there a problem, sir?

*Godfather: I can have you all fitted for cement shoes.

*Yakko: Ooh, can I see something in a perky pump (shows leg)?

*Godfather: How big a fool do you think I am?

*Wakko: Let's see (measures foot). Oh, about a size 8, double d. How does this fit, daddoo (puts on shoe)?

*Godfather: Ooh, these are comfy. Hey! You're gonna be sleeping with the fishes tonight.

*Yakko: Can we all go?

*Wakko: Is Jimmy Hoffa there?

*Dot: Will he read to us?

*Godfather: (Claps twice) Get rid of them!

(Men kiss Godfather's hand)

*Wakko: Eww!

*Dot: Aren't you worried about germs?

*Godfather: (Stammering) out!

(Godfather gets kicked out after his men try to kick Warners out)

*Godfather: Oof! I am stupefied as to what has just occurred.

*Yakko: Father's home.

*Wakko and Dot: Daddy.

*Wakko/Dot: Daddoo/Daddy.

*Dot: I put my pet in your pocket.

(Pet snarles)

*Yakko: Where's mommy? Still married to the mob?

*Wakko: Give us a kiss (kisses Godfather). Garlic. Here. Have a lifesaver.

(Puts big donut-shaped thing in Godfather's mouth, spit out. Godfather growls)

*Warners (singing):

(Spanish music)

Speak softly, love and we will sing a serenade

To fill your heart with gentle love while music plays

*Dot:

The night is young,

*Yakko:

The day is through

*Warners:

And we were sitting here before you.

*Godfather (spoken):

Out, out, out, out!

*Dot: Was the song really that bad?

(Men try to kick Warners out, all get kicked out.)

*All: Ugh!

(Austrian music playing)

*Yakko: Come in and enjoy the schnitzel.

*Godfather: Huh? Huh? Huh?

(All go out, then back in. Warners playing jazz music)

*Wakko: Like, coolsville, daddy-o.

(Ditto, Warners play Hawaiian music plays)

*Yakko: Ah, if it isn't the big kahuna.

*Dot: And his two little kahunas.

*Wakko: Apple poi or cherry poi?

*Godfather: No, no, no. I want my booth. I want my waiter. I want my spaghetti!

*Wakko: Pisghetti?

*Godfather: Yes. I want spaghetti.

(Spaghetti falls on Godfather and his men)

*Godfather: On second thought, please, I give up. Can we make a deal?

*Dot: A deeeeal?

*Godfather: Yes, anything.

(Italian music playing by men, Warners slurping on spaghetti)

*Godfather: (Waiter) How you like the pisghetti, huh?

*Warners: Eww!

*Yakko: The food's great, but the service stinks.

Mime Time[]

*Narrator: It's mime time. Today on mime time - lifting an imaginary barbell.

(Mime lifts, massive anvil drops)

*Narrator: The end.

Lake Titicaca[]

(music)

*Warners:

Lake Titicaca, oh lake Titicaca,

It's between Bolivia and Peru.

Lake Titicaca, yes, Lake Titicaca,

With waters tranquil and blue.

Oh, Lake Titicaca, yes, Lake Titicaca.

Why do we sing of its fame?

Lake Titicaca, yes, Lake Titicaca,

'Cause we really like saying its name!

TITICACA!!!

Intermission[]

(Colin comes out with towel)

*Colin: Okay, so one time Randy Beaman's cat ate this fish from the fish tank, but the fish was a piranha and it lived inside the cat forever, and the cat became "Piranha cat. " Okay, bye.

(Colin goes back into house)

Rita and Runt intro[]

(music)

*Warner Trio:

Like Abbott and Costello

Like Sonny and Cher

Like Martin and Lewis they're a perfect pair

(Runt slides mud into Rita)

Like laurel and hardy,

(Runt lets go of the piano, which squashes Rita)

Like Fontanne and Lunt.

They're perfectly mismatched,

They're Rita and Runt.

(Both come out of trash can. Runt hugs Rita.)

Icebreakers[]

*Rita (singing):

We're off to Florida to lie in the sun,

Enjoy my leisure time and have some fun

*Runt:

Tallahassee

*Rita:

We're off to Florida where the smart people go

We're off to Florida where the tropical breezes blow.

Take me to Florida to play on the sand,

Sleep in the mangroves and eat off the land

*Runt (spoken) Ahh.

*Rita: feels like we're comin' in for a landing, Runt.

*Runt: Sarasota, here we come.

(Tires skid)

*Rita: Hello, Florida.

(Wind howls, Rita and Runt get covered in snow)

*Rita: So much for global warming.

*Runt: snow. I love snow. I didn't know it snowed in Florida.

*Rita: It doesn't snow in Florida.

*Runt: Well, that could only mean one thing, but, uh, unfortunately, I have no idea what that is.

*Rita: It means we're gonna freeze our patoots if we don't find someplace warm.

*Runt: Oh, that's bad, definitely bad. I don't want my patoot frozen. Nobody likes a frozen patoot. Uh, Rita, what's a patoot?

*Rita: Stop talking, Runt.

*Runt: Okay.

(Buttons chases Mindy, who chases a seal. Runt sniffs.)

*Man: Hey, dog, get away from there. That is no fire hydrant. It is a dog-sled. Boy, you dumb. Dumber than the federal government. Let me tell you about government. Think of your money as meat. And I'm government. Now, I slice off a big chunk of your money as taxes and throw it to the dogs (gives meat). Then I do it again. Hmm. I'm gonna make you a business proposition, friend. Now, I want you to hear me out on this. See, I'm running for president, and I got a dogsled full of campaign promises that I gotta get to a fundraiser in fairbanks by tomorrow night. Well, the trouble is, I got no dog. Bottom line: you wanna pull my sled (hangs meat)?

(Runt barks)

*Man: Good deal. Problem solved. My first volunteer. Proud to have you. Now, mush (whips Runt, attached to sled)! Well, now, that's just sad. You remind me of the do-nothings in congress. Bunch of buffoons. All right, let's try it again. Hit the road, bub.

(Runt holds Rita with teeth)

*Rita: Oh, am I in this cartoon too?

*Man: No, no, no felines. I hate felines. Only thing I hate more than a feline is a washington lobbyist. Now, get (throws Rita).

*Rita: Yeow!

(Runt holds Rita with teeth, brings to man.)

*Man: Loyalty. I like that in a pack dog and in a volunteer. All right, pardner, you win. Now, uh, will you please mush?

(Runt barks, runs)

*Man: I'll tell you what, here's the deal: I'll pitch the tent, then we'll cook up some beans.

*Rita: Beans? Yech! (Goes, puts hand in water to get fish, bitten) Yeow! The fish are biting.

*Runt: Oh, boy. Fish.

*Man: well, lookie here. Dang. You are one industrious dog (pets). I like that. Good dog.

*Rita: I feel used.

(Harmonica playing "Home on the range")

(Runt belches

*Man: (Yawns) well, time to turn in. We got a big day tomorrow. Come on, pardner.

(Rita tries to get in)

*Man: Now, hold it right there. Campaign staff only. No felines (pushes out).

*Rita (singing):

They say a smile will do the trick

With a little charm laid on thick

But listen, folks forget those strokes

'Cause cats always get the short end of the stick

(Sighs in bed, bear growling)

*Rita (spoken) Runt. Wake up, Runt.

(Runt snores)

*Rita: Sleeping beauty.

(Bear roars, Rita screams)

*Rita: Hey, your shoes are untied.

*Bear: Huh?

(Rita pokes bear's noes, who shouts in pain, sits in fire.)

*Runt: What happened? Huh? (Barks)

*Man: Well, I'll swear, you got more guts than Al Gore at a lumberjacks' convention. That's why I like dogs. A feline would never do that. Let's get some shuteye. We gotta catch a boat for fairbanks in the morning.

*Rita: Cats always get the short end of the stick

*Man: There's the boat (whips). Mush.

*Rita: I'm gonna hurl.

*Man: Hurry! It's gonna leave without us. Now, don't quit. Didn't work for me and it ain't gonna work for you. I gotta get to that fundraiser. Get up and mush, boy. (Stomps feet on ground, ice cracking, falls into water) Uh-oh. Help!

*Rita: Don't just lie there. Do something.

*Man: Help. Heeeelp!

*Rita: I hate to risk one of my lives for a politician (ties rope to herself, goes to save man)

*Man: Heeeeeeeelp! Help! (Yelps, nearly falls off)

(Rita tries to grab man, rope reaches end, man grabs Rita's tail. Both swim to safety.)

*Runt: Good job. I would have done it myself, but I keep slippin'. (Slips)

*Man: I don't know what to say, pardner. Only a genius pack dog would send a dumb feline out with a rope (pets). Now, that's management.

*Rita: That does it! I'm outta here.

*Man: Good dog. Good dog.

*Rita: I pull the lassie maneuver of the century, and he's the good dog? That's it. I'm votin' democrat.

(singing)

I'll take my chances and I'll go it alone

Leave Runt behind me and be on my own

Head to the tropics where summer's in season

The sooner the better 'cause, man my butt is freezing

(Horn honks)

*Runt (spoken): Hi, Rita!

*Rita: I thought you were staying with mr. Politician.

*Runt: We had a difference of opinion. I resigned.

*Man: You dumb dog. I quit! No, I don't. I'm back. I quit. No, I'm back. I'm good. I quit. No, I stop. I'm back. I quit. I'm back. (stammering) I quit. I'm back. I quit. Did I say I quit? I'm back.

*Runt: You know what, Rita? Politics is really hard.

*Rita: What did you two guys disagree about?

*Runt: Well, we were at odds over how to reduce the deficit. As a dog, I think we should reduce the deficit, but not if it means cutting into programs like federally funded squeezy toys, and chew bones, and flea dips- oh, and fire hydrants-

*Rita: Atop talking, Runt.

Good Idea Bad Idea[]

*Narrator: It's time for another good idea, bad idea. Good idea - drinking fresh milk from the carton. Bad idea -drinking fresh milk from the cow.

(Cow bellows, sits on mr. Skullhead)

*Narrator: The end.

End[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Yakko: Good night, Dot. Night, Wakko.

*Dot: Good night, Yakko. Good night, Wakko.

*Wakko: Nighty night, Dot. Night, Yakko.

*Yakko: Good night, Elvis.

*Elvis: Thank you very much, but I... don't want anybody to know I'm here.

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