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Opening Segment[]

(An Animaniacs Special Presentation)

Newsreel of the stars[]

(Screen covered by falling snow)

*Narrator: "Newsreel of the stars". Dateline, hollywood, 1930. The Warner Bros. Studio. Here at the studio's new animation department, the artists toil endlessly to come up with cartoon stars, ultimately creating three new characters: the Warner brothers and their sister Dot.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Hello, nurse!

(Warners bounce around)

*Narrator: Unfortunately, the Warner kids went totally out of control.

(People run with exaggerated moustache and eyebrows, Warners bounce)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy!

(Water flies, Ralph captures Warners)

*Narrator: Until their capture. The warners' films, which made absolutely no sense, were locked away in the studio vault, never to be released. As for the warners themselves, who made even less sense, they were locked away in the studio water tower, also never to be released. Publicly, the studio has disavowed any knowledge of the warners' existence to this very day, when the warners escaped.

Theme Song[]

(music, snow)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-

Totally insane-y

*Dot:

Here's the show's name-y

*Warners:

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

A Christmas Plotz[]

(Bells ring)

*Chorus:

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

And a happy new year

Good tidings we bring,

To you and your king

(Fruitcakes shows, from Mel Gibson and Jane Fondi.)

Good tidings for Christmas

And a happy new year

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

And a happy new year

*Thaddeus Plotz: Would you be quiet (throws fruitcake, which lands in one of their mouths)! Why does everyone give me fruitcake for Christmas? I hate fruitcake!

(Ralph knocks on door)

*Thaddeus Plotz: Come in.

*Ralph: Uh, youse wanted that I should see you, mr. Plotz?

*Thaddeus Plotz: Come in, Ralph, but don't sit down. What I have to say won't take long.

*Ralph: Uh, before you gives me my Christmas bonus, I has some prepared Christmas words that I has prepared for you for the Christmas stuff. (Clears throat) "Mr. Ceos of warner bros: "I am honored to works for youse and say to youse a merry Christ-mas e-eve." I now gives to you this festive Christmas fruitcake made from my wife's hands.

*Thaddeus Plotz: Thrilling. (Throws, glass shatters) I've been going over the end-of-the-year budget. Do you know how much damage those kids, the Warners, have caused this year, Ralph?

*Ralph: Uh...

*Thaddeus Plotz: Well, it's a lot! And it was your job to watch them! You're finished. You failed. You're fired! Merry Christmas.

(Ralph tears up, walks away and slumps. Comet falls)

*Thaddeus Plotz: And finally, in the future, to cut costs, employees must bring their own toilet paper.

(Chain rattles)

*Slappy (as ghost): why don't you lighten up (takes off hood)?

*Thaddeus Plotz: A horrible old squirrel. What are you doing here?

*Slappy: That's what I'd like to know. The studio keeps giving me these stupid cameos. All right, hang on (puts on shades). I got a couple of lines here. A-hem "Tonight you will be visited by three ghosts."

*Thaddeus Plotz: But why?

*Slappy: I don't know. I lost the other page (walks away). Can you believe I'm doing this for scale? Hey! Where's my $464? Uh, I gotta get a new agent.

*Thaddeus Plotz: I'm working too hard. I must have been hallucinating. (Answers ringing telephone, spits out water) h-Hello?

*Wakko (1st ghost): Hiya, plotzy!

*Thaddeus Plotz: Gah! What do you want?

*Wakko: I want you. Mwah (Kisses).

(Singing)

I'm the ghost of christmas past,

And all the folks that you've harassed

Are glad that I am here at last

Because, mr. Ceo

I's movie time relax and see

As we climb up your family tree

(Brings out projector and canvas)

And look at how you used to be

Many years ago

(Kisses Plotz, sits and eats popcorn, spoken)

It's showtime.

*Thaddeus Plotz: What's this?

*Wakko: The day you were born. That's you as an itty-bitty baby.

*Mom: Such a good boy.

*Thaddeus Plotz: Mama.

*Dr.: Here's my bill for the delivery, mrs. Plotz.

*Thaddeus Plotz: A bill? Ha! You slapped me. You'll be hearing from my lawyers.

*Thaddeus Plotz (real): Well, he did. It hurt.

*Wakko: You were mean from the start. Remember when you were 5? You went and saw santa for the first time.

*Santa: Come along, young man.

*Thaddeus Plotz: (Clicks) These are my lawyers. My demands are as follows. Go.

*Lawyers: One red wagon, black wheels. Deluxe train set with western town. Forty speed bike. Golden spokes. White horse with a brown tail.

*Thaddeus Plotz: Not a pony. A horse! Got it? I got a pony, that charlatan. Enough of this, already. I'm a busy man. Now, get out of here.

*Wakko: Just one more clip. This was the worst.

*Dad: (Sobbing) how could you do this to me?

*Thaddeus Plotz: You're too old to run this company. I'm taking over. Now, be out of here by noon.

*Dad: You can't do this.

*Thaddeus Plotz: I'm sorry, dad. Merry Christmas.

*Thaddeus Plotz (real): I kept his medical benefits going. That was nice, wasn't it (watches as things disappear)? Huh? What a terrible dream. I've gotta lay off those commissary weenies.

(Present manifests, pull here.)

*Thaddeus Plotz: Probably another fruitcake.

*Dot (2nd ghost): Who you calling a fruitcake? I'm the ghost of Christmas present. It's a pun. Get it?

(Singing)

Thaddeus Plotz you mean old man

Causing pain wherever you can

It's all about to hit the fan

You greedy ceo

You're guilty in the first degree

Of causing pain and misery

Now it's time for you to see

So hang on, here we go

(Spoken, in Happy Trail Trailer Park)

*Ralph: What are we doing in this dump?

*Dot: Visiting somebody.

*Thaddeus Plotz: But I don't know anybody who lives here.

*Dot: Well, they know you. Come on (Pulls Plotz into house). Lucky for you, they can't see us.

*Ralph's son: Oh, that mr. Plotz. Someday I'll show him, I will.

*Thaddeus Plotz: (Gulps)

*Ralph: Aw, come on, son. Try not to let this spoil our Christmas. Don't worry about it. I'll get another job. You'll see.

*Ralph's wife: Duh, dinnertime. We couldn't afford a turkey this years, what that your father got fires.

(Dot elbows Plotz)

*Ralph: Uh, what's we havin'?

*Ralph's wife: Delicious turkey jell-o.

*Ralph: Yums.

*Ralph's son: I'm adopted. I'll get even one day.

*Thaddeus Plotz: Take me away from this place. I gotta get out of here before that third ghost shows up.

(Bell tolls)

*Thaddeus Plotz: Oh, no. (Grabs phone) Security. Security. Oh, that's right. Ralph was security. (Screams after trying to open door.)

*Yakko (3rd ghost): (Dressed up hooded, raspy) thaddeus plotz. (Normal voice, without hood) Hello. I'll be your ghost of christmas future this evening.

(Singing, top hat.)

Relax, chill out forget about your cares

This is a man who knows what he wants. Also a man nobody wants.

Come on, it's time for you to climb these stairs

You got a good head on your shoulders, Plotz. Too bad you haven't got a neck.

(Drags Plotz up stairs)

Show 'em what you can do

*Thaddeus Plotz:

This is stupid.

*Yakko:

The future's waiting for you

*Thaddeus Plotz:

Leave me alone.

*Yakko:

Come on, Plotz 'cause you've got lots

To see before we're through

(Stairs light up, showgirls seen)

*Girls:

He's a dream hear us scream his name,

Plotz!

Had no fun and he's the one to blame

*Yakko:

Hello, nurses. Say. Stop by the water tower, and I'll show you my stamp collection.

*Girl:

But, yakko, you don't have a stamp collection.

*Yakko:

All right, then, you can open my mail.

*Girls:

There's nothing he can't do

*Yakko:

They're crazy about me.

*Girls:

He's handsome yes, it's true

*Yakko:

Let me know when those costumes get heavy. Rowr.

*All:

Come on, Plotz, because you've got lots to see before we're-

*Yakko:

You know what I like about you, Plotz? Absolutely nothing.

(Plotz falls off edge, screams)

*Girls:

Through

(Screaming)

*Yakko (spoken): Nice of you to drop by. Welcome to your future.

*Thaddeus Plotz: This looks like my office.

*Yakko: Not anymore. See?

*Ralph's son: No! And tell that urkel guy he's too old to wear his pants that high. It's embarrassing (writes)!

*Thaddeus Plotz: What's that man doing in my chair?

*Yakko: Oh, this isn't your office anymore. It's his. Don't you recognize him? It's Ralph's son. He vowed to get even with you one day, remember? Now he runs the studio.

*Thaddeus Plotz: But what about me? Where am l?

*Yakko: (Teleports) Psst. Over here. There.

*Thaddeus Plotz: The cemetery? Forest woodlawn?

*Yakko: No, not there. There.

(Ralph is guard)

*Thaddeus Plotz: No. It can't be.

*Yakko: Oh, but it is. Watch.

(Warners sneak around Plotz)

*Warners: Oh, plotzy! (kiss Plotz)

(Warners outmanoeuvre Plotz and tie him with his hat. Chase)

*Thaddeus Plotz: This is my future?

*Ralph's son: Plotz! I thought I told you to get those kids under control!

*Thaddeus Plotz: But they're so fast.

*Ralph's son: Then you're finished! You failed! You're fired! Merry Christmas.

*Thaddeus Plotz: (Sobs heavily) No, it can't be. No! No, no, no, no. No-o-o-o! (Weeping, transitions back into real world) Eh? I'm back. I'm back (kisses desk). Hey! You down there! What day is today?

*Dot: (British accent) It's Christmas day. (American accent, facing away) Whoa, dumber than advertised.

*Thaddeus Plotz: I still have time. Go and buy the biggest fruitcake you can find, and deliver it to Ralph's house. Here's some money (hands money). And keep the change. Now, now, hurry.

*Wakko: We're rich. Yea, we're rich!

*Ralph & family (kisses):

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

*Ralph:

And a really swell new years

(Ralph kisses his wife, knocking on door)

*Thaddeus Plotz: Special delivery. Merry Christmas. Ralph, what's this I hear about you leaving the studio?

*Ralph: Ah, you said you fireds me.

*Thaddeus Plotz: (Laughs) No, I said you inspired me, inspired me. I want you back, Ralph. But take a week off first. Why, this must be the little woman, so to speak (Kisses Ralph's wife).

*Ralph's wife: Oh, I-I-I'm charmed, I'm sures.

*Thaddeus Plotz: And you, Ralph jr. You like me, don't you? No hard feelings, right? Please don't ever take over the studio. Please. I'll give you a pony.

*Ralph's son: I want a horse.

(Knocking on door, Plotz opens it.)

*Warners: We got the biggest fruitcake we could find. It's outside.

*Thaddeus Plotz: Well, where is it? We're hungry.

*Dot: Okay. (Whistles)

(Helicopter drops big fruitcake, squashes mr. Plotz)

*Thaddeus Plotz: (Mumbles)

*Wakko: Don't worry, mr. Plotz. We'll have you out of there by Easter.

(Plotz continues)

*Wakko: Merry Christmas to you, too.

(Ringing)

Little Drummer Warners[]

*Children (Singing):

Silent night, holy night

All is calm, all is bright.

Round yon virgin mother and child

Holy infant, so tender and mild

Sleep in heavenly peace,

Sleep in heavenly peace.

(Sheep baas)

*Warners (singing):

(Dressed as shephards)

We three shepherds traveling far

How we wish that we had a car

We cannot sleep because with our sheep

We're following yonder star

Oh, oh

Star of wonder star of night

Star of royal beauty bright

Westward leading still proceeding,

Guide us to thy perfect light

*Children:

Oh, little town of Bethlehem

How still we see thee lie

Above thy deep and dreamless sleep

The silent stars go by

Yet in thy dark street shineth

The everlasting light

The hopes and fears of all the years

Are met in thee tonight

(Warners enter Jesus' place)

Away in a manger no crib for his bed

The little lord Jesus lays down his sweet head

The stars in the sky look down where he lay

The little lord Jesus asleep on the hay

*Kings:

We three kings of orient are

Bearing gifts we traverse afar

Field and fountain moor and mountain

Following yonder star

Oh, oh

Star of wonder star of night

Star of royal beauty bright

Westward leading still proceeding

Guide us to thy perfect light

(Horses trotting)

*King 1:

Come, they told me, parum-pa pum-pum

*King 2:

Our newborn king to see parum-pa pum-pum

*King 3:

Our finest gifts we bring, parum-pa pum-pum

*Kings:

To lay before the king, parum-pa pum-pum

Rum-pa pum-pum, rum-pa pum-pum.

So to honor him, parum-pa pum-pum

When we come

*Warners:

(Notice that they have no gifts)

Baby Jesus, parum-pa pum-pum

We are just poor kids too, parum-pa pum-pum

We have no gift to bring, parum-pa pum-pum

That's fit to give our king, parum-pa pum-pum

Rum-pa pum-pum, rum-pa pum-pum.

*Wakko:

Shall I play for you, parum-pa pum-pum,

On my drum?

*Warners:

(Jazz, swing)

Mary nodded, parum-pa pum-pum

The ox and lamb kept time, parum-pa pum-pum

We play our drum for him, parum-pa pum-pum

We play our best for him, parum-pa pum-pum

Rum-pa pum-pum, rum-pa pum-pum.

*Yakko:

So hit it.

(Playing up-tempo swing beat, animals play trumpets and saxophones, all dance)

*Warners:

Come, they told me, parum-pa pum-pum

Our newborn king to see, parum-pa pum-pum

Our finest gifts we bring, parum-pa pum-pum

To lay before the king, parum-pa pum-pum

Rum-pa pum-pum, rum-pa pum-pum.

(Drum plays)

*Yakko and Wakko:

So to honor him parum-pa pum-pum

(Dance vigorously)

*Warners:

On my drum

(Jazz stops, Mary claps and Jesus smiles, opens eyes.)

*Warners:

And he smiled at me, parum-pa pum-pum,

Me and my drum.

End[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Warners: Merry Christmas!

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