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Theme song[]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-

Totally insane-y

Here's the show's name-y

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Opening segment[]

(The warner trio peek out the top of the water tower. A hot air balloon with the face of a clown comes out of the top. Wakko uses a fan to propel the hot air balloon

Hooked on a Ceiling[]

*Narrator: The Italian renaissance, a glorious time of unprecedented achievement in the arts. And perhaps the era's greatest figure was Michelangelo Buonarroti.

*4 Turtles: (Come out of a hole)

*Narrator: I'm afraid popular culture has successfully eradicated the actual identities of the true poets of art. My opinion? This stinks. (binds 4 turtles)

*TURTLE: Hey, watch it, dude!

*Narrator: I should deal with you later. Now for a brief reality check. Michelangelo was a brilliant artist, not a turtle. His most famous works include: the Marble Masterpiece, statue of David, and of course, the ceiling of the Sistine chapel. Yes, this too was created by the tortured genius, Michelangelo, but even this great artist needed help to carry out his vision.

(1512 A.D.)

*Michelangelo: Out! Out, you incompetent FOOLS! You call yourselves artists? You just can't get good help these days. (written, painters wanted) And you! How can I work with all you peasants kneeling and mumbling!

*Peasant: But Michelangelo, this is a church.

*Michelangelo: Oh, that explains that infernal bell ringing.

(bell rings periodically)

*Peasant ringing bell: Sanctuary! Sanctuary

*Michelangelo: QUIET! (slams door) (goes up ladder). I must be finished with my great masterpiece tonight, before his eminence arrives. But I fired all my assistants. I'm alone! ALL ALONE! (sobs intensely). Oh heavenly muse, send me some help!

*Yakko: (Kicks door open, destroys structure Michelangelo was on) It's Yakko and Wakko, and out sister, Dot!

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot (singing):

If you need your ceiling painted, come see us!

We will paint it better than a guy named "Gus".

If it's flaking and it's peeling, we will renovate your ceiling,

We will make it so appealing, come see us!

*Dot (singing):

Ceilings, nothing more than ceilings

*Yakko (spoken): Friends, we'll paint any ceiling for just $29.95. Right! How do we do it? No overhead. In fact, when we get through, you'll have nothing overhead. And if you hire us, you'll have nothing in your head. We paint ceilings, ceilings and only ceilings. We don't paint floors 'cause they're beneath us.

*Michelangelo: Who are you? What are you doing here?

*Yakko: We heard you had a ceiling that needs paint

*Dot: Nice bungalo. This your place?

*Michelangelo: You fools, I'm the great Michelangelo. And this is the Sistine chapel.

*Yakko: Oh yeah, if you're so great, what did you do with the other fifteen chapels, huh. Gotcha there.

*Michelangelo: Out. Out! HOW DARE YOU! (prepares to throw the Warner trio out, but it cuts to him thrown away himself), huh?

*Yakko: Well, that takes care of the competition.

*Dot: Gentlemen, start your rollers. (Warner Brothers get white paint)

*Yakko: You know, a little touchup will do wonders for this place.

*Michelangelo: Let me in. Let me in!

*Yakko (dressed green): Nobody gets in to see the wizard, not nobody, not no how

*Michelangelo: But I'm Michelangelo.

*Yakko: (inhale) The witch's Michelangelo? We-he-ll, now that's a ceiling of a different color.

*Michelangelo: (inhale) Aaaargh! What have you done to my beautiful ceiling! (shows white ceiling)

*Yakko: Ya like it? I gotta tell ya, we had a heck of a time covering up those naked people.

*Michelangelo: You FOOLS! You've ruined it! It's supposed to have pictures,

*Wakko: Pictures? He wants pictures!

*Yakko: Hey, don't worry Mike, our mistake. (whispering) This hasn't happened to us since that Venus de Milo arms fiasco

*Dot: Say, why don't you go paint that Moaning Lisa, Leonardo

*Michelangelo: That's da Vinci

*Dot: That's delightful.

*Yakko: That's de-lovely, but, we got a ceiling to paint.

*Michelangelo: Wha- but-

*Dot: Here. Just pick out a wallpaper pattern and relax. We'll take care of everything.

*Wakko: Yeah, when it comes to ceilings, we're the tops!

*Yakko: Oh, and while you're at it, pick out the linoleum, why don't-cha?

*Dot: And don't forget your upholstery and your bathroom fixtures.

*Michelangelo: Oh, thank you.

*Yakko: Now don't you worry your pretty little head. By the way, nice toga.

*Michelangelo: Let me see now, this lovely floral pattern might be just- HEY wait a minute, I'll teach those idiots to fool with the great Michelangelo! (hits cylinder, making a sculpture), (slams door open), no. No. NO! (sees a bullfighter, dogs playing poker, bug-eyed children and Elvis Presley), (cries) I'm ruined! RUINED!

*Dot: I knew it. He prefers the young Elvis.

*Michelangelo: It is supposed to look like THIS! (shows Sistine chapel ceiling paper)

*Dot: Oh! More naked people!

*Yakko: I wouldn't go flashing that around if I were you, Mike. (whispers) This is a church. (takes the paper, scrunches it up and throws it away)

*Michelangelo: But his eminence is coming tonight and I MUST be finished! Please, you gotta help me! (cries)

*Yakko: Wait a minute, you expect us poor innocent children to climb up dangerous scaffolding and paint naked people all over a church?

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: We'll do it!

*Yakko: But we're not doing it for the sake of art. And we're not doing it for the sake of money. No, we're doing it because, we like painting naked people. (sprays white paint on the ceiling)

*Wakko: (Sharpens pencil, paints outline on tightrope extremely quickly)

*Dot: (writes numbers on ceiling)

*Michelangelo: (paints ceiling using trampoline) I still don't know what to paint in this blank space. And his eminence will be here any minute.

*Crowd: It's his eminence. His eminence. Look it's his eminence. His eminence is coming. His eminence.

*Yakko: Don't worry Mike, you go say howdy, we'll finish up.

*Michelangelo: Your eminence (kisses toes) I'm so glad you could come. (kisses toes). I worked so hard to please you. I hope you'll like my ceiling. HUH! I'm ruined! (sees the being from the movie E.T in a juxtaposition of a classical painting). (cries)

*His eminence: I like it!

*Yakko: He likey! He likes it! Painting is like showbusiness. You have to know your audience.

Intermission[]

(Yakko and Dot select the next cartoon which is being put through Wakko's eyes as they eat popcorn).

Goodfeathers: The Beginning[]

(jazz music starts)

*Squit: As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a Goodfeather. You see, if you were a Goodfeather, you had it all. You were somebody in a neighborhood full of nobodies. Like Bobby and Pesto. Those guys were my heroes.

*Pesto: Hey, coo, I'm walking here.

*Bobby: You walking with me? Is that what you're doing? Are you walking with me? I don't see anybody else here. Are you walking with me

*Squit (narrating): Bobby and Pesto weren't afraid of nothing or nobody. (cat goes towards them)

*Pesto: (sighs)

*Pesto and Bobby: (both clumsily move away from the cat until it moves away)

*Pesto: Hey, coo, you!.

*Bobby: Yeah, run run pussy cat (sniff).

*Pesto: Mess with us, will yous? Coo off. (laugh). Cat don't know coo about what he's messing with.

*Bobby: Eh, I hear that.

*Squit: Hey, goodfeathers. How ya doing Bobby, hiya Pesto.

*Bobby: Coo. Well look who we got over here.

*Pesto: What's wit' you?

*Bobby: Well, I-I would like to become a goodfeather.

*Pesto and Bobby: (look at each other and laugh heavily)

*Bobby: You? A goodfeather? (laughs) Get him out of my face (lies on the floor)

*Pesto: Right. (walks to Squit)

*Squit: (gulps)

*Pesto: (grabs Squit's tail feather, kicks him towards the road. raspberries). Get outta here, buzz off. (laughs)

*Bobby: Get him. I wanna be a goodfeather. Ho ho hoo. We're getting a lotta laughs today.

*Pesto and Bobby: (laugh)

*Pesto: Bird feather (continues laughing)

*Squit: (gets up) Ah, don't laugh guys, I just wanna be a tough bird like you, Pesto.

*Pesto: Whaddaya mean by that?

*Squit: I said you're tough, that's all

*Pesto: You're saying that I'm an overdone piece of meat, is that what you're saying? What am I, a plate of dry steak butt meat here to amuse you?

*Squit: No, I didn't say that. I just said you're tough

*Pesto: I'm tough?

*Squit: Yeah.

*Pesto: I'm tough?

*Squit: Yeah, you're tough.

*Pesto: (turns back on Squit) That's it! (fight starts).

*Bobby: (laughs heavily)

*Pesto: I'll show you tough, here's you're tough

*Bobby: (Inhales) The godpigeon. Pesto. Pesto. Oh, Pesto!

*Pesto: What, what, what I do, what (inhales)? (fight stops)

(c augmented chord)

*Godpigeon: (walks towards them) (mumbling)

*Bobby: The godpigeon, Solly, wants to know who you are.

*Squit: Oh, I'm Squit.

*Bobby: (laughs) Squit? What kind of a name is that?

*Pesto: (laughs) A stupid one, that's what. Squit.

*Godpigeon: (laughs)

*Squit: Listen, I'll do anything to be a goodfeather.

*Godpigeon: (mumbles)

*Bobby: He says you're in-

*Squit: Right!

*Bobby: If you come through with some food.

*Squit: Sure. I'll get some food. No problem (sees a bagel). Alright, a bagel.

*Pesto: Go for it, kid, you need help? We'll help.

*Bobby: Yeah. Fuhgeddaboudit

*Squit: (steps on road, bell rings, but it's the rush hour and he gets flattened)

*Bobby and Pesto: He needs help.

(bagel gets knocked around by cars.)

*Goodfeather trio: (fly about the bagel)

*Bobby: Alright, there it is.

*Squit: I'm going for it.

*Pesto: No, I'm going for it.

*Bobby: No, I'm going in.

*Goodfeather trio: I got it, I got it, I got it (simultaneously get hit by a truck)

*Pesto: Go for it.

*Bobby: Pipe down

*Pesto: Go for it, would ya?

*Bobby: Hey, coo off. I'll go for it when I wanna go for it.

*Pesto: So go for it.

*Bobby: Alright, alright. (sets foot down, speeding car near misses, points)

*Goodfeather trio: (all go for it, but the ground vibrates, as it's the New York City marathon. They all scream and try to run, but get trampled)

(jazz music continues, then animaniacs theme, then back to jazz)

*Pesto: Okay, so what's the plan with the bagel?

*Crowd: Taxi? Taxi? Taxi.

*Taxi: Take you anywhere for 14 dolla

*Crowd: 14 dollars!?

(Goodfeather trio gets forced into the taxi)

*Crowd: Uh, taxi? - Who ordered the squab on the glass? - go to the airport.

*Goodfeather trio: (goes in a woman's hair.)

*Woman: (Grabs the goodfeather trio, screams and beats them up) OH! Nasty! Awful! Rats with wings! Filthy, stinky birds! OH!

*Bobby: So this is the plan, see. We get under the manhole, you know what I'm saying?

*Pesto: Yeah, yeah yeah.

*Bobby: Then we snatch the bagel from underneath.

*Pesto: Yeah. Yeah, it's beautiful. Yeah! Fuhgeddaboudit, you're a genius, Bobby.

*Bobby: Yeah, I'm a genius over here.

*Squit: Yeah, you're a real smart bird, Bobby.

*Bobby: Who asked ya?

*Squit: Noboby.

*Bobby: Keep your beak in your own business.

(Goodfeather trio goes on train. Warner trio runs from Ralph T. Guard. Train slows and goodfeather trio gets forced out.)

*Pesto: Stop with the kicking

*Bobby: Stop with the size twelve upside the head.

*Bobby: Badabing, there she is!

(Goodfeather trio goes up ladder, Eb augmented chord)

*Pesto: Get your flipping wing out of my eye.

*Squit: Quit shoving, will ya?

*Pesto: Shove you, you sack of pillow stuffing

*Bobby: You two pipe down? (Bobby reaches for bagel) Got it. (Bus comes out of nowhere and flattens Bobby's wing). DAH!

*Goodfeather trio: (all fall down the ladder, onto the train tracks)

*Bobby: I had it. I had it! Then badabing bang boom my wing is introduced to radio tires.

(train appears and smashes into the goodfeather trio)

*Squit: Where'd you get the uniform, Bobby?

*Bobby: You ask too many questions. Wait here. (dressed in police outfit, whistles and all vehicles stop).

(Pesto gets the bagel)

*Squit: Alright, you did it. Yes, Pesto, you are one swell bird.

*Pesto: What do you mean by that?

*Squit: Why, I said you're swell, that's all.

*Pesto: (spits out bagel) You saying that I got a big head, is that what you're saying? (Squit starts sweating) What am I, a bloated puffy round head, here to amuse you?

*Squit: Nah, I didn't say that, I just- I said you're swell.

*Pesto: I am swell?

*Squit: Yeah, you're swell.

*Pesto: Swell?

*Squit: Yeah.

*Pesto: That's it! (starts fighting Squit) Here's your swell! I got your swell right here. I'll show you swell!

*Bobby: Pesto. Squit. Knock it off. Hey, yo, ah? (whistles, all vehicles start again, Pesto and Squit stop fighting. All three get crushed by the same car tire.)

(The three go back onto the sidewalk)

*Squit: Huhh. I guess I'm out (sniffle, whimper).

*Bobby: The godpigeon (he walks towards them)

*Godpigeon: (mumbles, goes to get the bagel, eats it whole, and the cars stop because of him. He spreads out his foot, which is kissed by Bobby and Pesto, and spreads out his other food, which is kissed by Squit). (mumbles).

*Bobby: You have been given the godpigeon's blessing. You're in.

*Squit: I'm in. I'm in! (sky shot, kisses Pesto)

*Pesto: (fajole?) You slobbering all over me over here

*Bobby: Well maybe he thinks you're cute, you know what I'm saying. (laughs)

*Pesto: Cute? You think I'm cute?

*Squit: (moves his head as to say no)

*Pesto: That's it! Cute! I'll show you cute! You want cute? Here's your cute!

*Bobby: (laughs heavily)

*Pesto: You de-evolved rack of dinosaur bones.

*Squit: And that's how I became a goodfeather.

Wheel of Morality[]

*Wakko: Gee, Yakko, I'm confused.

*Yakko: What else is new?

*Wakko: No, I mean about today's show. What was the moral of the story?

*Yakko: Good question, Wakko, and to learn the answer, let's consult the wheel of morality. Wheel of morality, turn, turn, turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn. Moral number 4. And the moral of today's story is...never ask what hot dogs are made of.

*Wakko: Of course, it all makes perfect sense now. Thanks for clearing that up.

*Yakko: My pleasure.

(whistle from Ralph T. Guard)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Yie! (run away from Ralph, who has a net).

End[]

(The Warner Trio run back to the water tower. Wakko, with his bag, pulls up a ladder, which they climb up. Ralph climbs up, but the ladder drops at the same rate, making him fall into the bag. The Warner Trio all return into the water tower)

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Dot: Set three extra places.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: We're coming over for dinner,

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