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Branimaniacs[]

[Cartoon opens up outside Slappy's tree. Truck in. Fade to inside. Skippy walks down stairs]

*Slappy: Mornin', Skippy.

*Skippy: Hi, Aunt Slappy! What's for breakfast?

*Slappy: A brand new cereal from Smellogs, Branimaniacs. [She shows him the cereal]

*Skippy: Wow, we're on the box!

*Slappy: That's right, kiddo!

*Skippy: Do we get paid for that?

*Slappy: You don't... but just look at what's inside! [Pouring the cereal into the bowl, in slow motion] Branimaniacs is chock-filled with tasty bran, crunchy fiber, natural roughage and...tiny sugar cubes shaped like my head. [She sets it onto the table, with a carton of milk, a plate of bacon, eggs, and half of a lemon] It's an important part of this balanced breakfast. So dig in, Skippy! [She pours milk on both of their Branimaniacs]

*Skippy: You bet! [He eats the cereal]

*Slappy: And remember, to start your day with Branimaniacs for that get up and go feeling.

[Both eat the cereal, gulp, and, suddenly, their stomachs rumble. Then they shake, and shake again as their eyes merge]

*Skippy: I gotta get up and go!

*Slappy: I'll race ya!

[They both run in opposite directions. Cut to Warners dancing next to the giant cereal box]

*Warners [singing]: Eat Branimaniacs. Nutritionally, it lacks, but this cereal attacks all of your digestive tracts. It's Branimani

*Slappy: [On cover]: My stomach's in pain-y

*Warners: Branimaniacs!

Theme Song[]

[The intro begins with a shot of the Warner Bros.' water tower. The camera zooms in to the shield of tower, of which the Warners open while singing and jump out. ]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: It's time for Animaniacs and we're zany to the max

[The scene then cuts to Dr. Scratchansniff sitting in while watching a television; the Warners (wearing lab coats) appear and tickle his feet, sending him into hysterical laughter and Yakko sends Scratchansniff crashing into the floor with the lever of the examination chair.]

Yakko, Wakko and Dot: So just sit back and relax. You'll laugh till you collapse.

[The show's title appears with them singing]

Yakko, Wakko and Dot: We're Animaniacs!

[Yakko and Wakko walk in a silly way along the Warner Bros.' studio lot while Dot hops in.]

*Yakko and Wakko:Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot: And the Warner Sister Dot

[The siblings do a double take and run with Ralph the Guard chasing them with a net]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

[Ralph locks the Warners in the water tower, but they appear on his head under his hat]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

[They run away outside the lot.]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

[They are hit by the show's title with them singing again]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: We're Animaniacs! [Dot appears posing on a stage and Yakko talks to an annoyed yak, who splashes his face into the soup.] Dot is cute and Yakko yaks. [Wakko eats food from a truck loading it into his mouth. Bill Clinton is playing a saxophone before the Warners pop out of it. ] Wakko packs away the snacks, while Bill Clinton plays the sax! We're Animaniacs!

[Yakko plays a bunch of characters from the show (mainly their 'special friends') like a xylophone. Pinky and the Brain are introduced; they are standing on top of the Earth.]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe. [The Brain turns on a huge magnet with an awestruck Pinky gazing at the power beam, before Saturn crashes into the two. The Goodfeathers are standing on top of a power line; Squit hugs Bobby and Pesto before they are hit by Slappy's purse.] Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse. [Buttons chases Mindy across a steel beam, while Rita sings and Runt smiles while the Warners singing.] Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse. [Two writers in their office go crazy, Yakko and Dot throw away a script, of which Wakko eats.] The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

[The cast are then seen walking, and show their contracts]

*All: We're Animaniacs! We have pay-or-play contracts!

[In a lavender background, the Warners appear singing.]

All: We're zany to the max [Backed up by the cast (colored in blue), Dot puts slices of bologna in Yakko's slacks, of which Wakko is pulling.] There's baloney in our slacks! [Zooms out with the cast singing in a dark-colored background.] We're Animani, Totally insane-y...

*Dot: Come back, Shane-y...

[The show's logo appears one last time with the Warners singing the show's title (zooming letters), proclaiming "Those are the facts.", and the song ends.]

*Warners: Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

The Warners and the Beanstalk[]

*Narrator (From nighty-night toon): Once upon a time, in a land far, far away. [camera pans right to a village] No, much farther than that. [camera pans right to a village] No, further still. [camera pans right, then comes to a screeching halt to pan left back to another village] Uhh, here we are. Anyway. In this land far, far, far, far away, there was a village of poor, but happy people.

[A man drives his ox-pulled wagon down path]

*Narrator: The villages were poor, because they were terrorized by a giant, who lived in the clouds.

[Ralph the Giant steps on road, man screams and runs away. Ox runs away.]

*Ralph the Giant: Duh, vroom, vroom! Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh! Vroom! He he he he he heh! [He puts wagon in pocket, takes moose out of the forest .]All the dinky treasures of the world are mine! [He laughs, takes tree, uses it to dust house, and takes house from ground. People run away, screaming]

*Narrator: Also in this village, lived the three Warners. The Warners were so poor, they had to sell their only possession. A dried up old cow.

[Cow turns to the Narrator, grunting.]

*Yakko: There's the used cow salesman now. Let me do the talking. [Dismouning cow] Excuse me, but would you be interested in buying our cow? Steers like a dream.

*Salesman: Well, uhh... I don't know.

*Yakko: How 'bout buying Wakko? [He holds Wakko up]

*Wakko: Why me? [He shows sparkly eyes]

*Yakko: 'Cause Dot gets more letters.

*Dot: [writes signatures, puts them into letters, then sees Wakko angry at her] I can't help it if I'm c-ute!

*Salesman: Okay, tell ya what. I'll give ya a bean for that cow.

*Yakko: [getting in the salesman's face] Bean, a bean? You should be ashamed of yourself. Why, she's worth at least, uhh... three beans.

*Salesman: Deal. [He and Yakko shake hands, and holds out 3 beans. The Cow eats the three beans]

*Dot: There goes our 3 bean salad.

[Cow struggles, spits beans into hole. Beanstalk immediately starts grow as the Cow and The Salesman scatter.]

*Yakko: Beans'll do that to ya.

[The Warners scream, get pushed into the clouds. They get zipped into a bag, Yakko unzips, Wakko spits.]

*Yakko: huh. That's the last time I ever travel by bean.

*Dot: [poking Yakko's arm] Look! [She points to the castle]

[The Warners walk to castle]

*Narrator: And sure enough, the Warners had arrived at the giant castle.

[The Warners go to door]

*Yakko: Looks like Aaron Spelling's house

*Harp (singing): Free me, free me, Won't you rescue me? The giant sleeps before he wakes. Come in and rescue me

*Yakko (Spoken): Are you pretty?

*Harp: Yes!

[Yakko and Wakko look to each other excitedly.]

*Yakko: We'll be right there.

[Wakko drags grappling hook out of bag]

*Dot: Is there a handsome man in there too?

*Harp: No.

*Dot: I'll wait out here.

[Wakko throws a grappling hook onto inside, Yakko and Wakko pull rope down, making door fall down. Dot reads a magazine before dragged inside by brothers.]

*Dot: This must be Tory's dressing room.

*Harp: Hello. Please save me.

*Yakko and Wakko: Hello, harp!

*Yakko: She's a dream! [He floats up with cartoon hearts popping like bubbles.]

*Wakko: She's a pretend. [He also floats up with cartoon hearts popping like bubbles]

*Dot: She's a woman with a harp stuck to her back! Boys. [She sternly walks up leg of table]

[Wakko plays harp]

*Harp: O-hohohoho, ohuh, that tickles! [gripping Yakko's chin] If you rescue me, you'll be greatly rewarded. I'll give you 4 beans, and a goose .

*Yakko: How lucky can we get (stern)?

*Harp: [grips Yakko's chin] Ooh, but this goose is very special. It lays golden eggs.

*Yakko: A little fibre in its diet, and it won't do that anymore.

[Wakko picks up goose, looks under, puts it down again, confused. He shakes goose]

*Wakko: It's broken.

[Goose gasps, poops out golden egg]

*Wakko: (Joyously) I fixed it!

[Camera tucks-in to Ralph the Giant’s bedroom. Ralph the Giant wakes up, yawning]

*Harp: Please, we must leave before the giant wakes. Lower me safely to the floor.

[Warners push harp off table. Harp screams and she falls landing on the floor offscreen.]

*Warners: Oops!

[The Harp is irritated. She gasps, seeing Ralph the Giant behind The Warners.]

*Ralph the Giant: A-ha! I got teeny-weenies in my house! [He puts face at level of Warners]

[Warners panic and shout. Dot points hand, Yakko babbles and bounces, Wakko spins, then revert.]

*Warners: [Calm, enthusiastic] Hi!

[Ralph the Giant picks up The Warner Siblings and the goose and sniffs them.]

*Giant: Pee-pie-pooker-plut. I smell Yakko, Wakko and Dot.

*Yakko: Don't you mean phi-phy-pho-phum?

*Ralph the Giant: Yeah, but it don't rhymes with Dot.

*Dot: You know, you really should pluck those unsightly nose hairs. [she pulls a nosehair out]

*Ralph the Giant: Oow! Uh, dat smarted me!

*Yakko: I doubt it.

*Ralph the Giant: Now, I's gonna eat you teeny-weenies [puts on apron]

*Yakko: Eat us?

*Dot: You don't wanna eat us?

*Wakko: We taste awful

*Warners: Bleugh!

*Yakko: Hmm... [clicking is heard as a light bulb appears. He, Wakko and Dot huddle and whisper among themselves] We know what you want.

*Ralph the Giant: You does?

*Warners: Uh-huh.

[Wakko makes the goose poop out a golden egg, Yakko cracks it, and pours the yolk and egg white into the pan with heater, then shakes it.. Dot gets canned meat out of a tin container, and drops it onto tiny plate while Yakko gets eggs on the plate.]

*Yakko: [Rhyming à la Dr. Seuss] I'm sure you'd love this, have a seat. Here's your meal, gold eggs and meat.

*Ralph the Giant: I does not like gold eggs and meat. It's you who I would like to eat. [He puts a lid over them and takes the plate to the cupboard. He opens the cupboard, only to find The Warners in it. Yakko is holding a plate of ice cream]

*Yakko: Would you like them a la mode?

*Wakko: [lifting his hat to reveal a toad] Would you like them with a toad?

[Toad croaks]

*Ralph the Giant: I would not like them a la mode. I would not like them with a toad. I does not like gold eggs and meat. It's you who I would like to eat.

[Wakko puts his hat back on and pulls down the next scene. Ralph the Giant is on top of a mountain during a rainstorm. Lightning strikes twice.]

*Wakko: [holding out a cod] Would you eat them with a cod?

*Yakko: [giving Ralph the Giant a metal rod] Holding up a metal rod?

*Ralph the Giant: [holding the metal rod] I woulds not eat them with a cod, holding up a metal rod. [The Warners jumps off him. Lightning strikes the metal rod and Ralph the Giant, exposing his skeleton. He falls off the mountain, landing on the forest] I does not like gold eggs and meat. It's you who I would like to eat.

[Ralph the Giant is on The San Andreas Fault. An arm holding a “San Andreas Fault” sign sticks out then draws back in. The Warners are standing inside a door.]

*Dot: [sprinkling salt on the gold eggs and meat] How 'bout with a dash of salt?

*Yakko: On the San Andreas fault?

[An earthquake shakes, splitting The San Andreas Fault. Ralph the Giant falls into The San Andreas Fault.]

*Ralph the Giant: No, not with a dash of salt, on the San Andreas fault. [The earthquake reunites The San Andreas Fault, trapping him] I does not like gold eggs and meat. It's you who I would like to eat.

[Ralph the Giant is in Tokyo, Japan. The people are panicking fleeing from him. The Warners arrive in a rikshaw, with Wakko pulling the rikshaw]

*Wakko: Would you, could you, in Japan?

*Yakko: With Godzilla and Rodan?

[Godzilla (actually The Dragon from “Sir Yaksalot”) and Rodan arrive and on each side of Ralph the Giant]

*Ralph the Giant: I would not, could not in Japan… [pushing Godzilla and Rodan] …with Godzilla and Rodan.

[Godzilla breathes fire on him, roasting him black. Rodan flaps his wings, blowing him away to an island.]

*Ralph the Giant: I will not eat gold eggs and meat. It's-

*Warners: Us that you would like to eat.

[Dot pulls the film reel to the next scene. They are on top of the cloud outside the castle]

*Yakko: Eat them, eat them on a cloud.

*Ralph the Giant: Oh, alright for crying out loud. Mmm. [He takes the plate and swallows the meal] Gold eggs and meat I do not hate.

*Yakko: But now those clouds won't hold your weight.

[Ralph the Giant starts to sink though the cloud]

*Ralph the Giant: Gee, I never thought about that. [He falls through the cloud, crashing into the ground bellow, taking some of the land down with him.] Phi-phy-pho-phum. I fall down and hurt my bum.

*Narrator: And so, with the giant gone, the poor village became a wealthy suburb.

[The same man with jewellery rides past The Used Cow Lot, waving mutually. The Harp and Warners are on stage with the Mayor.]

*Narrator: And the heroic Warners were richly rewarded for saving the village.

*Mayor: As mayor of the village of the happy and rich, I am proud to present the three Warners with... [reaches in pocket as The Warners look in anticipation] five beans, and Merv Griffin's autograph.

[The villagers applaud offscreen as Yakko is given items]

*Yakko: Doesn't anyone ever get cash in fairytales?

Slappy the Squirrel intro[]

*Warners (singing): The crankiest of creatures in the whole wide world, our next cartoon features Slappy the Squirrel.

*Slappy: [opening the door] E-nough with the singing, already. [closing the door]

*Warners (singing): That's Slappy!

Frontier Slappy[]

[A harmonica version of "Home on the Range" plays in the background. A butterfly flies to a trail. "Kentucky wilderness 1767" appears on the screen, then disappears. A blue rabbit and a purple rabbit hop into view, sniffing eachother, and the ground. Suddenly, a tree is falling. They hop away. Suddenly, the song changes to upbeat music. A swarm of bees flies for their lives. One bee stops to look left and right and flies to the swarm as Daniel Boone drives his oxen-driven wagon, pushing down a tree]

* Dover Boys (singing): Daniel Boone was a great, big guy. Yes, a really big guy. He knocks down trees and frightens off bees so they'll cry.

[A swarm of bees flies up as Daniel Boone knocks down a couple of trees, using his wagon. A bee flies into the camera, with the inside of his mouth filling the screen. Wipe to Daniel Boone, hopping off his wagon]

*Daniel Boone: Ken-tucky at last! I'm gonna build me a little log cabin right here. Then a log-cabin for my oxes. Then a summer cabin! The only thing I love more than building cabins is chopping down trees. . [He chops down a tree] Birch is good wood for clothes pins. [And another...] This oak'll make a dandy shelf. Well I'll be kissed by a wolverine. A Bessemer Elm! That's the best wood around for making a front door. [And several more... Wipe to Daniel Boone and his wagon outside Slappy Squirrel's tree]

*Dover Boys: Daniel Boone saw a great big tree. An attractive tree. But he didn't know it was home to a squirrel named Slappy.

[Inside, Slappy and her nephew, Skippy, are making candles over a cauldron of hot wax]

*Skippy:[slamming the door] How come we're making so many candles, aunt Slappy?

*Slappy: Skippy, it's the 1700's. What'd ya expect, roller blading?

[Suddenly, the tree begins to shake]

*Skippy: What's that?

*Slappy: Maybe my colon. I hope not. I'll go find out. [Slappy goes outside to find Boone chopping down her tree] Hey, you break this tree, you're gonna pay for it.

*Daniel: Lookie here, you old squirrel, I'm Daniel Boone! The best frontiersman that ever lived.

*Slappy: Well. I'm Slappy Squirrel, and I'm so old, my blood is solid (pats arm). What are you doing to my tree?

*Daniel: Uh, fixing and making it into the front door of my cabin. Now get, or I'll make a cap outta ya!

*Slappy: [slamming the door] Uh, I got yer cap right here.

*Daniel: Huh. No old squirrel's gonna stand between me and my cabin!

[As Boone keeps chopping, Slappy peeks out of an upper window, holding a cauldron of hot wax]

*Slappy: Excuse me there, Boone. Is there any chance you might find another tree?

*Daniel: No!

*Slappy: I was hoping you'd say that. [Pours hot wax on top of Boone, freezing him mid-swing] Maybe he can rent himself out as a Menorah. [laughs]

[Boone ties a rope around Slappy's tree and then ties it to his oxen]

*Dover Boys: Daniel Boone had a great, big plan. Yes, a very large plan. He'd fix that squirrel by yanking her tree-house from the land.

*Daniel: Pull, you lazy good fer nothing critters! [He slaps his oxen on the back and they start pulling at the tree] Reckon this'll teach that old squirrel that I'm the king of the wilderness. [Suddenly, the rope goes limp] Huh? [He turns around and sees Slappy and the oxen holding picket signs]

*Slappy: Whaddaya say, we won't dray, what we want is an 8 hour day.

*Daniel: [angry, turning red] What in blazes are you doing?!

*Slappy: Call me Norma Rae or Barbara Rae, but I unionized your team.

*Daniel: Get up and yank down that tree ya dumb slabs o' hide!

[The oxen glare down at Boone, who smiles sheepishly, before pounding him into the ground with their picket signs]

*Ox: Management!

[Boone sneaks up to Slappy's tree under cover of a bush]

*Dover Boys: Daniel Boone had another big plan. Yes, a crafty plan...

*Daniel: Shh! [laughs] I'm gonna get that squirrel my famous panther call. She'll think a for real panther is comin', and run out of that tree like a fat badger. [laughs]

[Boone does a weak imitation of a panther roar. Inside, Slappy and Skippy are churning butter]

*Skippy: [sarcastically] Gee, Aunt Slappy, a panther.

*Slappy: [sarcastically] You think so? Maybe we better run for our lives here.[Boone roars again. Slappy walks out the front door and churns the butter onto the ground near the bush] I'm running away like a fat badger.[Boone peeks out of the bush and comes face to face with a real panther who roars in his face. Boone tries to run away but slips on the butter. He cries out in pain as the panther starts mauling him]

*Daniel: Eck! Ow, woah, panther!

*Slappy: The panther's in my bridge club.

*Dover Boys: Daniel Boone was very, very sore. Yes, painfully sore. He picked up a log and charged Slappy Squirrel's front door.

[Boone attempts to ram Slappy's door open, but she opens the door and trips him up, sending him into a spinning wheel which launches him and the log back out]

*Skippy: Who was that, Aunt Slappy?

*Slappy: Maybe a flying Wallenda. I'm not sure, my eyes are bad.

*Daniel: [dazed after hitting a tree] Daniel Boone was a great big guy.

[Boone has come up with yet another idea to cut down Slappy's tree by crudely disguising himself as a woodpecker]

*:Dover Boys: Daniel Boone was a big dang bird. Yes, a really big bird. But he didn't know that his disguise was pretty absurd.

*Daniel: QUIET! You dead gum idiots, this is a dang good disguise. [laughs] That old squirrel will think I'm just a big woodpecker. I'll chop down this here tree right in front of her.

[While using his disguise to peck at the tree, Slappy is serving Skippy when she and the tree get shaken by Boone's pecking]

*Slappy: Uh, there's no rest for the elderly. [Opens door] Hey, are you Daniel Boone?

*Daniel: Shoot, no, I'm a big woodpecker.

*Slappy: Get outta here with that woodpecker thing, there. You're Boone!

*Daniel: No, I ain't. My daddy was a big woodpecker, and his daddy before him. Can't you see how I'm a... pecking at your tree for bugs and such? [Looks innocent]

*Slappy: I guess you really are a big woodpecker.

*Daniel: Dang straight.

*Slappy: Then here, I made you some woodpecker lunch.

[Slappy offers Boone a plate full of live bugs, including a dungbeetle]

*Daniel: That's right, neighborly of ya, ma'am.

[Forced to keep up his charade, Boone eats the bugs, his face turning green as his chews]

*Slappy: Yeah, there's nothing like dead bugs mixed with manure and served on a big piece of rotten bug, eh, Woody?

[Boone finally retches, covers his mouth and runs off into the distance]

*Dover Boys: Daniel Boone was a great big guy. Yes, a big sick guy. He lost his lunch all over the trees and sky.

*Slappy: That's nice singin'! They remind me of Up With People.

[Boone is seen putting gunpowder underneath Slappy's home tree in an attempt to blow up both her and the tree]

*Dover Boys: Daniel Boone was a great big jerk. Yes, a stupid jerk. He had another dumb plan that more than likely wouldn't work.

*Daniel: [offended] That ties it! You boys are fired! COME ON DOWN FROM THERE AND GIT!

[A rope ladder drops down from the top of the screen. The Dover Boys - Tom, Dick, and Larry - climb down the rope ladder, revealing themselves to Boone]

*Tom: Hey, what's the big idea? You can't just fire us.

*Dick: Yeah, who do you think you are?

*Larry: Ey, we got rights, you know.

*Dick:Wait a second,

*'Larry: We got a contract.

*Tom: Our agent said-

*Dick: Yeah-

*Tom, Dick and Larry: (Incomprehensible)/Yeah, my agent said the same thing. Come on, this is ridiculous./(Incomprehensible)

*Daniel: I said, "GIT"! I'm gonna blow this here tree and that old squirrel sky high, and I don't need no dang smart-alec chorus!

[The Dover Boys leave, climbing up a wooden ladder out of the tunnel as Boone pours a trail of gunpowder leading from the barrels to just outside the hole. Then he lights a match]

*Daniel: If I can't have that tree, then nobody's gonna have it! [He lights the match and hides in his wagon. He laughs] Now there's gonna be a big hole in the ground. I could make it into a rootseller, or a... fruitseller.

[The trail burns up and there's a large explosion... under the wagon]

*Slappy: Hey, Boone! I moved all yer gunpowder. It was attracting ants.

*Daniel: [screams as he's blown into space] Shoot, dang, WHOO! [He comes crashing back down to Earth]

*Slappy: Yeesh! Bet that left a crater.

[At the end, Slappy and Skippy are drinking tea by the fireplace.

*Skippy: What'cha wanna do tonight, aunt Slappy?

*Slappy: How 'bout a little music, Skippy? [to The Dover Boys] Hit it, boys!

*Dover Boys (singing): Slappy Squirrel is a grand old dame. Yes, a very old dame. She whipped Daniel Boone, now she pays us to sing of her fame.

*Slappy: What can I say, I love the lyrics.

End[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Slappy: (Opens water tower door) It's over, go away! (Slams water tower door)

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