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Theme Song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-,

Totally insane-y...

*Yakko:

Dana Delany

*Warners:

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Drive-Insane[]

(A black and white movie is shown with a woman and two men sitting inside a train. They introduce themselves in French to each other. The woman rests her head against the window, looks outside. The screen zooms out to reveal a drive-in theater. Various couples are shown kissing in cars, except for Dr. Scratchansniff, who is in a car with an overweight woman, causing the car to lean to her side. Otto is wearing fake hair)

*Otto: (Looks at his date, looks back down, smiles shyly, looks at her again, waves)

(His date is eating a hot dog, lips smacking, there is a large tray of food between the two. Otto puts his arm up on the seat, then attempts to reach over and put his arm around her shoulders.)

*Date: Stay on your side!

*Otto: But my fuzzy Liebchen, I just-

*Date: (pours a box of chocolates into her hand) Otto, no hanky pankys! (She swallows the chocolate)

(He tries to reach over again)

*Date: Stay on your side!

(Otto looks down, defeated. He sighs, rests his elbow against the window and his head in his hand. He groans, sadly, then looks out the window. A young couple is in the car next to him. They giggle, then kiss three times. She leans her head on his chest, his arm around her shoulder. Otto looks back at his date, sloppily eating a pizza. He smiles at his date, then sighs happily. He rests his elbow against the window and his head in his palm again. The scene fades to a sunny meadow in his daydream, where Otto and his date skip through the flowers, holding hands. They each pick flowers and sniff them. He and his date kiss, put their heads together. She spins his around, lets him go, and he skips back to her. She spins him over her head, throws him in the air, and she catches him, holding him in her arms. He wakes from his daydream, excitedly looking over at his date. She is sloppily eating a watermelon, wipes her mouth with a napkin, continues eating. Otto straightens his bow tie, adjusts his hair, smells his breath on his hands, uses mouth freshener, then leans in to kiss her. He kisses Yakko instead. They both blush, hug each other.)

*Yakko: (Holding Otto’s cheek) I didn’t know you cared..

*Otto: (Realizes he kissed Yakko, screams)

(Yakko kisses him again, Otto screams again. His date looks around, then screams, seeing Wakko and Dot in her lap, jumps.)

*Dot: (Straightens her skirt) You’re comfy. (Her and Wakko grab food)

*Date: Otto, there are Schnauzers on me!

(Wakko bites off one of her earrings, Dot takes a bite of her hotdog, Wakko swallows earring whole.)

*Date: Ach, mine earring!

*Otto: Now just calm down, my mushy Liebchein. It’s alright, these are patients of mine. (Grabs Yakko’s shoulder)

*Wakko! Yeah, we’re crazy! (Makes gookie face)

(All Warner siblings make gookie faces, jump around in the car making monkey noises, Otto covers his face shamefully. A mother and her son walk past the car, holding hands, the son stops walking when he sees the jumping car and the mother has to drag him out of frame. The car stops jumping, Yakko is sitting next to Otto.)

*Otto: What are you doing here?

*Yakko: (face goes back to normal) We’re gonna watch the movie with you!

*Otto: Oh, no no no no no no.

*Yakko: Oh, yes yes yes yes yes yes.

*Dot: (to Date) Can I play with your chins? (Grabs her chins, pushing them back and forth) Boingy! Boingy! Boingy! Boingy! (Continues saying boingy in background)

*Otto: (to Yakko) You’re ruining my date!

*Yakko: Nonsense! (Quiet voice) It was ruined before we got here. (Grabs Otto’s head, tilts downward) By the way, something died on your head.

*Otto: (throws the Warner’s out of car) Get back to your tower und leave me alone!

(The Warners all shrug)

*Date: Otto, the Schnauzers frightened me..

*Otto: (grabs her hand) Oh, there, there.

*Date: (quickly pulls her hand away) Stay on your side!

(Otto sits back up, leaning against the window. A banging noise is heard on the side of the car. Otto gasps, sticks head out window. The Warners are all banging against the door with their fists.)

*Yakko: Daddy, please don’t shut us o-o-out!

*Wakko: Daddy, all we want is food.

*Dot: Father, we crave your love!

*Warners: Daddy, Daddy, please! (Continuing to cry Daddy)

*Young man: Those poor kids!

*Warners: Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

*Otto: (opens car door, faceplants on ground, stands back up) Go away!

*Young man: Hey! Now, hold on, there! What kind of father are you, man?

(The Warners climb into the car when Otto turns away)

*Otto: Listen here you, I am not their father, I am their p-sychiatrist, so mind your own business! (He blows raspberry at young man) Ha! I gave you a raspberry.

(The Warners shut the car door with Otto still outside)

*People in other cars: Keep it down! Quiet! We’re trying to watch the movie! I can’t hear myself kiss!

*Otto: Oh yeah? I’ll given you all one big raspberry! (Blows a longer raspberry at the rest of the audience)

(The couple in the young car drive to a different spot. Otto blows another raspberry at the sky, nods, then walks back to his car. He tries to open the door, but it is locked. He knocks on the window, then looks inside, seeing the Warners are all over his date.)

*Otto: (yelps) Let me in! Open this door! Let me in!

*Wakko: (turning the steering wheel) Vroom, vroom!

(Yakko and dot lean against date, and smile so that they really show their teeth.)

*Date: (gasps) You’re not going to bite me, are you?

*Dot: Not unless you want us to.

*Wakko: Vroom, vroom!

*Otto: (bangs on window and roof of car) I can’t believe I can’t get them out of my own car, these kids are always..

(Otto continues muttering to himself, starts to walk in front of car. When he’s directly in front Wakko presses the horn. Otto screams and jump high in the air. He lands in the young couples’ car, who both kiss Otto with their eyes closed, having intended to kiss each other. They both scream, the scene fades to black, then fades back into Otto’s car. A husband, wife, and son walk by. Inside the car, Otto’s date and the Warners are all eating popcorn. She is no longer scared of them. In the black and white film, the three characters are having a similar conversation to what they were having earlier.)

*Yakko: (shakes his head in disapproval, both him and Otto’s date put popcorn into the date’s mouth) This is the worst French film I’ve ever seen! It’s also the only French film I’ve ever seen.

(Dot and Wakko both look bored. Wakko takes a bite out of the steering wheel. There is a noise on top of the car, all four of them look up.)

*Otto: (stomping on the roof of his car) Let me in ze car! (presses face on one side of the windshield) Let me in!

(The Warners and Otto’s date move away from him. He moves towards them. They’re all glaring at Otto)

*Otto: (crying) Please let me in!

*Wakko: Move, Dr. Scratchansniff, we can’t see the movie!

(Wakko turns on the windshield wipers, which squish Otto’s face, swing him around, then throw him on the ground.)

*Wakko: (sticks head in empty popcorn bucket, takes head back out) I’m out.

*Dot: (checks her bag) Us too.

*Date: Well, we’ll just have to get some more, zen, won’t we?

(Otto holds his neck, date opens car door in his face. Date steps out of car and on Otto, crushing him. The car jumps from change of weight when she steps out.)

*Date: Otto! Vere are you?

*Otto: (strained) Right here, my fudge..

*Date: (looks down at him) Would you be a dumpling und get us more snacks?

*Otto (smiles though he is sweating) Heh, ehh..

(Scene cuts to Snackaterium, Otto walks inside, and an overweight man walks in behind him, eating a bag of candy. His stomach is on Otto’s back, so Otto looks up at him, annoyed. The other man coughs at him.)

*Cashier: (looking around, unfocused) Welcome to the Snackaterium, I’m, uh, Mitch. Can I help your order? I mean, can you order? No, no, I mean, let me start over, okay? (clears throat) Welcome to the Snackaterium. I’m Mitch. Can I have your order?

*Otto: Yeah, hello, Mitch. I’ll have a small popcorn.

*Mitch: We don’t have small.

*Otto: Then give me a medium.

*Mitch: We don’t have medium

*Otto: Well what do you have?

*Mitch: Large, super chubby, and double super chubby.

*Otto: Then isn’t a large a small?

*Mitch: Uhh, I’ll have to ask my manager.

*Otto: Just, give me a large popcorn.

*Mitch: (brings out a tub of popcorn about as tall as him) You want fries with that?

*Otto: GH! Why would I want fries with popcorn?

*Mitch: Uhh, I’ll have to ask my manager..

(The scene cuts, Otto is struggling to carry the popcorn back to his car.)

*Wakko: Oh, yummy, the popcorn! Didn’t you get any fries? Oh, I hope you don’t mind, I put the top down on your car.

*Otto: But I don’t have a convertible! (Drops tub of popcorn, sees topless car)

*Date: Hi!

*Dot: Did you get the popcorn?

*Date: Und da fries?

(Otto falls down, banging fists on the ground and kicking legs, like a child having a tantrum. He sucks his thumb, his knees to his chest, lying sideways on the ground. The scene cuts to his date’s house. Otto’s car drives up.)

*Date: (gets out of car, kisses all Warners on the cheek) I had a wonderful time. Bye-bye!

*Otto: (rushes in front of the Warners, also attempting to get a kiss goodbye) Goodnight..

*Date: Stay on your side!

(Otto’s date walks away. Otto looks disappointed, his head hangs down, and the Warners look at him sympathetically. Otto’s date goes inside, waving goodbye.)

*Yakko: Don’t worry Scratchy. Your next date will be better.

*Otto: (pulls out of driveway) Next date?

*Dot: Yeah, didn’t she tell you?

*Wakko: We’re all going to the drive in again next week!

*Yakko: Isn’t that neat?

*Otto: (screams, jumps out of car. His fake hair falls off. He runs away screaming.)

*Yakko: (picks up the fake hair) That man is in love!

Goodfeathers Intro[]

*Singer: When the birds hit the street lookin' for food to eat

That's Goodfeathers

*Chorus: That's Goodfeathers

*Singer: When I'm cooin' at you and you're cooin' at me

That's Goodfeathers

Take no guff 'cause they're tough

Strut their stuff no cream puffs

That's Goodfeathers!

(Martin Scorsese statue falls on Goodfeathers.)

Girlfeathers[]

*Squit: As far back as I can remember, we knew our girlfriends wanted to hang out with us all the time. You see, we thought the only thing they had goin’ for themselves was being hooked up with the Goodfeathers.

(The girlfeathers are playing in a fountain. Lana spits water at Sasha, they all giggle. Sasha ducks underwater, the other two look around for her, then Sasha pops up in between them. They all splash water at eachother, giggling.)

*Bobby: Oh! Girlfeathers!

*Sasha: Coo, can’t we do nothin’ without the Goodfeathers showin’ up?

*Squit: Boy were we wrong.

(The Goodfeathers all land)

*Pesto: (sticking out chest) Good afternoon, peahens.

*Squit: (waving to Sasha, blows kiss) Hiya, Sasha.

*Sasha: Hmph! (flies to top of statue, other girlfeathers follow)

*Bobby: We was thinkin’ maybe you’d like to peck around town with us. Y’know, maybe play a little hide’n’go smooch?

*Kiki: (gasps) Yay! (gets mouth covered by Sasha’s wing)

*Sasha: No thanks, we got plans.

*Kiki: We do?

*Sasha: We’re, uh, flying to the Grand Canyon.

*Kiki: (backs up, surprised) We are?

*Bobby: Grand Canyon? I’m coo’ with that, are you coo’ with that?

*Pesto: I’m coo’ if you’re coo’.

*Squit: I’m coo, are you coo?

*Bobby: Grand Canyon it is!

*Sasha: Sorry, but you’re not invited.

*Kiki: Seeya!

*Lana: Beak(?) ya later.

*Kiki: Buh-bye!

*Sasha: Don’t follow us, girls only.

*Squit: I can’t believe it. (he lands on the statue to watch them go) The dumped us. (he sighs, leans against the statue)

*Pesto: (slaps Squit) Get over yourself! They love us. We are their reason for living.

*Squit: Nah, Sasha doesn’t love me. (walks down the arm of the statue) I’m not invited ‘cause she doesn’t want me around.

*Bobby: Don’t you know nothin’ about women, Squit?

*Pesto: If the (incomprehensible) flaps off in a hurry, sayin’ “Don’t follow”, what she’s sayin is “Hey loverbird! Chase me!”

*Bobby: So go get ‘er!

*Pesto: (kicks Squit off the statue)

*Squit: (flies to stop himself from falling, goes towards where the girlfeathers left)

*Bobby: Squit’s got no coo how to communicate with women, y’know what I’m sayin’?

*Pesto: He’s a cluck, that’s what he is. (him and Bobby fly after Squit)

(The scene cuts to a lake. The girlfeathers fly over the lake, and land on an empty inner tube.)

*Sasha: Now that we’re alone we can talk seriously for once.

Kiki/Lana: Coo’.

*Sasha: Y’know the peanut bread they toss out down on 57th? Really fattening.

*Kiki: They make it with lard.

*Sasha: I gain 4 ounces eatin’ one crumb of that peanut.

*Lana: You did not.

*Sasha: Y’know, it goes to my thighs!

*Kiki: You got a great figure.

*Sasha: I do not, I have to diet all the time!

*Lana: I’m fat, you are not fat.

(They pass a sign saying Niagra Falls, they don’t notice.)

Kiki: Puh-lease!

*Bobby: Bada-Bing, there they are.

(The Goodfeathers land on the inner tube.)

*Squit: I know you want me to chase ya.

*Sasha: Yeah, right. (she pecks quickly multiple times him on the beak)

(Bobby and Pesto laugh at Squit, who is ashamed. The girlfeathers fly off the inner tube, but the Goodfeathers are too distracted and don’t notice the waterfall right in front of them, until it’s too late and they go over. They land in the water at the bottom.)

Squit: (sticks his head up) Call me crazy, guys, but I don’t think they want us along.

*Bobby: (sticks his head up) You’re crazy.

*Pesto: (sticks his rear end up instead of his head)

*Bobby: (neck ruffles) Get out of my face! (Slaps Pesto)

*Pesto: (sticks his head up) What? What’d I do? What?

(The scene changes, the girlfeathers are flying over rural houses and fields. They land on the ground in a section that’s been cut out of a wheat field.)

*Lana: Y’know what I’m gonna do when I get back? I’m gonna design nests for all the girly birds in the neighborhood.

*Kiki: Oh! Do mine!

*Sasha: You could do that, Lana, you got great taste in twigs.

*Lana: You think so?

*Sasha: Forget about it, your nest is perfect.

*Kiki: You’d be a great designer. Do mine!

*Sasha: You got talent.

*Lana: I do?

*Kiki: Puh-lease!

(Another winding section is carved out of the field leading to the girlfeathers. The end folds down to reveal the Goodfeathers.)

*Bobby: Here we are, your hunk ‘a hunk ‘a pidgey loves!

(the Goodfeathers all stand up straight, smile)

Girlfeathers: Ewwww!

(the girlfeathers all fly away)

*Bobby: Bada-bing, they love to flirt. Rrrrr.

*Pesto: (puts a piece of straw in his mouth like a farmer) They want us to conquer them, they why they’ve got us on this love quest!

*Squit: Maybe they’re just trying to get away from us..

(Bobby and Pesto turn to face Squit with stern looks on their faces. Squit smiles nervously, sweating and leaning back slightly.)

*Pesto: That’s it!

(Bobby and Pesto both jump on Squit and beat him up, arguing. A tractor plows through the wheat field, which they don’t notice. It plows over them, they scream and feathers are shown coming out the other end. The Goodfeathers pop out, all of them having no feathers and having their beaks gone. All their feathers fall out and cover them again, and then their beaks fall out and hit them on the heads. Bobby says something angrily in Italian to Pesto in Pesto’s voice, who is surprised at hearing his own voice, but then Bobby twists his beak off and gives it to Pesto, who says something else angry in Italian. The scene cuts to a rest stop with a billboard that says Yummy’s. The girlfeathers fly down and land on a truck to look in the side mirror.)

*Lana: Do you like my feathers this way?

*Sasha: Yeah, but you could swoop up your crown a little.

*Kiki: I like a feather-do that’s easy to manage.

*Sasha: So do I.

*Lana: I got a preen once and it was a disaster.

*Kiki: Me too! Eww, I hate that!

*Lana: I like the natural look. The (incomprehensible) bleach.

*Kiki: Oh, puh-lease.

*Bobby: (head now visible in mirror) Surprise!

(The girlfeathers turn around, surprised, and see the Goodfeathers inside the truck. They press their faces on the window.)

*Kiki (gasps, points to the inside of the truck) Look! Look, look, look, look…

(The truck driver gets into the truck, closes the door, doesn’t see Goodfeathers. He starts the truck and backs away, while the girlfeathers hover in midair and watch.)

*Sasha: Arrivederci.

*Kiki: Bon voyage!

*Lana: Ciao.

(All the Goodfeathers are on the seat now, all are trembling.)

*Squit: (Low voice) What are we gonna do?

*Bobby: Hide! (Hops under the seat)

(Pesto hope behind the seat, Squit hops into a cup of water. The truck driver picks up the water, but Squit sticks his head out, causing the truck driver to scream and jump out of the truck, which keeps going.)

*Driver: Sure hope my insurance covers (incomprehensible) pigeon attacks.

(The truck swerves on the road, hits the side and flips over, then explodes, sending the Goodfeathers flying, all of them charred. A tire lands, then the Goodfeathers do. All are stumbling around.)

*Squit: (dazed) Kentucky friend pigeon. I’m at the lake Edna, and your neck of the woods. HHhhhhh…

(All of the Goodfeathers disintegrate. Their beaks fall down. The scene changes. The girlfeathers are all standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon.)

*Sasha: Coo. This is the best flight we ever took.

*Kiki/Lana: Yeah.

*Sasha: What a beautiful sight..

*Bobby: (flies up from under the canyon) Gee, thanks.

(The other Goodfeathers fly up too, and all land on another ledge.)

*Sasha: (whistles) Ok, Goodfeathers, why don’t you flap over and look at the romantic scenery with us?

(Pesto gets excited, Pesto slaps him.)

*Pesto: What’s the matter with you? Don’t flap when a girly bird says flap. You gotta play hard to get.

*Squit: What?

(Godpidgeon approaches.)

*Bobby: The Godpidgeon..

(The Godpidgeon sticks out his foot, the Goodfeathers all kiss it, smile at the Godpidgeon. The Godpidgeon says something to Bobby. The Godpidgeon kisses Bobby on his cheeks, then walks away.)

*Bobby: The Godpidgeon says quit playin’ around like adolescents and show ‘em we love ‘em.

(All the Goodfeathers fly over to their girlfriends and embrace them.)

*Pesto: The Grand Canyon, though awesome and vast, is small compared to our love, nor longer will it last.

*Squit: Wow. You’re an eloquent bird, Pesto.

*Pesto: What’s that supposed to mean?

*Squit: I said you’re eloquent. Y’know. What you said had meaning.

*Pesto: Eloquent? What, are you sayin’ I am some kind of long-nosed, tusk-toothed, flap-eared pachyderm here to go (blows air out of beak attempting to mimic a trumpeting noise) for you? Is that what you’re sayin’?

*Squit: No, I didn’t say that. I said you were eloquent.

*Pesto: I, am eloquent.

*Squit: That’s what I’m sayin’.

*Pesto: That’s it! (He jumps on Squit, beating him up, both yelling.)

(Bobby laughs hysterically, but then the two run into him and all three Goodfeathers fall into the canyon.

*Sasha: Coo. Men. Fightin’ all the time like little squabs.

*Lana: Like little squabs.

*Kiki: Yeah, like squabs.

*Sasha: Goodfeathers. All they got goin’ for themselves is bein’ hooked up with us.

*Lana: You can say that again.

*Kiki: Puh-lease!

I’m Cute[]

*Crowd: Aww!

*Woman: How darling!

*Man: Absolutely adorable!

*Woman 2: Just precious!

*Crowd: She’s so cute!

(Crowd continues awwing and laughing.)

*Dot: (to audience) I got this all the time. (to crowd) Well, buh-bye!

*Crowd: Isn’t she cute!

(song starts)

*Dot:

I'm cute, yes it's true

I really can't help it

But what can I do

When you're cute, it just shows

WIth these two darling eyes and a cute little nose

And a pretty pink dress, that's adorable, yes

And when they see my dimples then everyone says

Crowd:

Oh shoot!

Isn't she cute!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Cute, cute

Oh isn't she cute, cute, cute

*Dot:

I'm the one they adore

I'm sweet and I'm cuddly

And small just like Dudley but more

It's a chore

To be constantly cute

And enchanting to boot

When my lip's sticking out

In that cute little pout

Then there's just no doubt

Why the guys like to shout

*Yakko and Wakko:

She's a beaut!

*Dot:

Let's face it, I'm cute

*Yakko and Wakko:

Cute, cute

Oh, baby, she's cute, cute, cute

*Dot:

Being cute's a thing I can't hide

If you look up the word in a book

There's my picutre inside!

TV Guide

Has me on the cover

*Yakko and Wakko: (bored)

Don' cha just love her?

*Dot:

I'm simply a goddess

*Yakko:

And isn't she modest?

*Dot:

I'm the answer to one of the questions on Trivial Pursuit

For "Who's the most cute?"

*Yakko and Wakko: (looking fed up)

Cute, Cute

Oh isn't she cute, cute, cute

*Dot:

I'm cute and I'm sweet

And I'm innocent, neat

And so trusting

*Yakko and Wakko:

If you want our opinon this song is becoming disgusting (they stick their fingers in their moth the to gag themselves)

*Dot:

I'm cute

*Yakko and Wakko: (now mad)

So what!

*Dot:

I never am vain

*Yakko:

She's becoming a pain in the-

*Dot:

But, I'm also real nice

I'm a doll through and through

*Yakko and Wakko

So big whoop-de-doo

*Dot:

I'm sweet and adoring

*Yakko and Wakko

And also real boring

And that's why we're snoring at you

*Dot

That's it! You've ruined my entire cute song!

(Yakko and Wakko and trembling.)

I am angry! I am FURIOUS! I AM ENRAGED!!

I HAVE HAD IT!!

(She stands on all fours and pants aggressively like a feral animal. Yakko and Wakko look at eachother.)

*Yakko:

You're awfully cute when you're angry...

*Dot: (flattered)

You really think so?

*Warners:

A babba dabba dooba do wah!

Yakko and Wakko: (no longer bored)

She's cute!

Ending[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Yakko: I’m Yakko.

*Wakko: I’m Wakko.

*Dot: And I’m cute!

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