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Randy Beaman[]

Colin: One time, ok, see, one time, Randy Beaman’s little brother ate pop rocks and drank a soda at the same time and his head exploded! Ok, bye.

Theme Song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-

Totally insane-y...

*Wakko:

Where’s Lon Chaney?

*Warners:

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Brain Meets Brawn[]

(A scene in London is shown. It pans to a building with a sign that says Dr. Jekyll. Inside the building, a short man is shown holding a beaker with green, bubbling liquid in it. He drinks some of the liquid. He is still for a second, then drops the beaker and gags, covering his mouth. He starts shaking violently. His skin turns yellow while the gradually grows larger, then his skin starts to turn dark lime. He holds his throat, then he turns green, resembling a zombie, then growls loudly. He punches his desk, which snaps in half easily, dropping its contents. He rubs his hands together menacingly, laughing to himself. Pinky watches from his cage, while brain paces beside him, not watching.)

*Pinky: Egad! Dr. Jekyll’s turned himself into that fearsome Mr. Hyde again, Brain!

*Brain: Yes, Pinky. If only I could find a way to use that savage strength.

(The door opens and a whistle blows, three policemen are shown)

*Policeman: There he (incomprehensible), take him!

(All the policemen wrestle with the scientist. Big Ben rings, indicating 4:00)

*Policeman: 4 ‘o clock!

*Policemen/Mr. Hyde: Tea time!

(They all sit down neatly at a table, politely having tea.)

*Policeman: Scone?

*Mr. Hyde: Delighted. Sugar?

*Policeman: Please.

(the four of them sip their tea, we their mouths, then growl and start fighting again on the table. The policemen drag Mr. Hyde out of the building.)

*Policeman: It’s jail for you, Hyde.

(Mr. Hyde growls and struggles.)

*Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?

*Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if they called them Sad Meals then kids wouldn’t buy them.

*Brain: Hello in there, Pinky. (he shakes Pinky’s head up and down, something can heard rattling) Now, concentrate. The British are fanatical about tea time. Everything stops when Big Ben strikes four. Therefore, if I can stop that clock at precisely four pm, it will cause infinite tea time, allowing us to take over the British empire, and then the world!

*Pinky: Egad, Brain, brilliant!

(Brain unlocks the cage with a needle)

*Pinky: Oh wait, no, no. You’d have to be a hulking muscular giant to stop that clock, Brain.

*Brain: Exactly, Pinky. (gets a thimble full of the green liquid) As they say in rustic circles, bottoms up. (drinks green liquid)

*Pinky: Is it working, Brain? Any changes, tingling, itching? Feeling anything, do you, do you, do you?

*Brain: Quiet, Pinky, you’re angering me! Now please-

(Brain twitches, then steam blows out his ears. He continues to twitch and shake violently as Pinky cautiously backs away. Pinky is shown trembling, as Brain’s shadow against the wall shows him grow very large. He stops twitching.

*Pinky: Narf.. (his ears go down)

(Brain is now shown as massive and green. He jumps down from the counter that is now shorter than he is. He grabs a stool, lifts it over his head, and approaches Pinky.)

*Pinky: (yelps) Sorry I angered you, Brain!

(Brain twitches, then quickly shrinks, causing the stool to fall down on top of him. Pinky jumps down from the counter and runs over to Brain.)

*Pinky: Egad, Brain, it works!

*Brain: Unfortunately, its effects are dreadfully unpredictable.

(Pinky pulls Brain by the nose out from under the stool. Brain inflates to his normal size after being squished.)

*Brain: We must find a way to control the transformation. Hmm. I transformed when you angered me, and transformed back when you apologized. That’s it! (shakes pinky) Anger me, Pinky!

*Pinky: Zounds, Brain, I don’t want to!

*Brain: (jumping onto Pinky’s chest) Do it Pinky.

*Pinky: No, Brain, you’ll bop me.

*Brain: Pinky, make me angry! (he twitches, grows large and green again, growls, holds his fist up and is about to punch Pinky)

*Pinky: (gasps) I didn’t want to make you angry, Brain, sorry!

(Brain shrinks back down to his normal size and falls down. Pinky runs over to him.)

*Pinky: Zort, Brain, are you alright?

*Brain: Yes, Pinky, for you have, in your own very special manner, found a way for us to control this awesome power. (They are now standing on a blueprint) Once we enter Big Ben, I’ll use my physical prowess to stop the center wheel, while you dislodge the palette, and disrupt the intrinsic mechanism.

*Pinky: What if that doesn’t work?

*Brain: Then.. we’ll throw a big wrench in it.

*Pinky: Just one, Brain. Can we make the bells play chopsticks? (he blinks, playing the first four notes of chopsticks)

*Brain: (sarcastically) Oh, yes, Pinky, let’s do. And how about John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

*Pinky: Oh, you read my mind, goodie, goodie, great idea Brain! (singing) Jooooohn Jacob Jingleheimer Schmi- gets hit over the head by Brain with a rolled up blueprint)

*Brain: Sarcasm is lost on you, Pinky. Now, let us rest. For, tomorrow, we have an empire to overthrow!

(it is now morning)

*Brain: Come, Pinky. Let us make haste.

*Pinky: One question, Brain.

*Brain: Don’t agree me yet, Pinky.

*Pinky: Oh! Right. Nevermind.

(They climb down a rope to get outside. Ralph chases the Warners, all four of whom are dressed up in British clothing. Pinky and the Brain come outside, run to a ladder, and climb it. They run on a clothesline, and then stop to look at Big Ben.)

*Pinky: Oh, look how pretty the clock is from here, Brain! Narf!

*Brain: Keep moving, Pinky, we’ve not much time.

*Pinky: The clouds, the sky..

*Brain: (frustrated) Pinky.

*Pinky: Look! That cloud looks like a big pomegranate!

*Brain: Pinky, you’re making me angry!

(Brain starts twitching, Pinky gasps. Brain grows large, and the rope can no longer hold their weight, causing them to fall. While falling, Brain grabs Pinky and growls at him.)

*Pinky: Egad! Sorry, Brain!

(Brain becomes his normal size. Brain lands in a metal can, while Pinky lands in hay.)

*Pinky: Whee, ha, that was fun, wasn’t it Brain?

(Brain twitches again, Pinky’s ears go back. The can spins away, then Brain grows inside of it, then snaps the middle of the can. Brain is breathing heavily. He walks away, leaving Pinky behind.)

*Pinky: No, wait, Brain! Narf! I didn’t apologize yet!

(Brain approaches Big Ben. There are two guards out front.)

*Guard 1: Americans.

(Brain grabs both guards by their collars, holding them in the air)

*Pinky: Brain! Brain!! I didn’t mean for us to fall, I’m sorry!

(Brain twitches and become small again. The guards are dazed, and Brain falls to the ground. Pinky rushes to his side.)

*Pinky: Brain, are you alright?

*Brain: Your timing is impeccable, Pinky.

(The two guards, still dazed, fall over)

*Pinky/Brain: Run!

*Brain: But, for once, you aired in our favor, my friend

(They both run into Big Ben. They walk past the pendulum, then past all the gears and inner workings.)

*Pinky (jumping over part of a gear) Woop! Wow.

*Brain: There it is, Pinky. (he has gears in his eyes) The main wheel of Big Ben. We stop that, and we stop the world! Yes! Now, Pinky! Help me transform and I will stop the gears. Then, you can dislodge the palette. Got that?

*Pinky: Dislodge the palette, yes!

*Brain: (hops onto the main gear) Now. Make me mad.

*Pinky: Ok, Brain, narf, um, ohh, oh, o-ok, hey you, you dum-dum! (folds his arms proudly)

*Brain: Come on, you can do better than that.

*Pinky: Um, right, um, your mother, she’s older than you.

*Brain: Pinky, try harder, quickly!

*Pinky: Well, I-I-I don’t know, Brain. I, I-I I I, I I I I..

*Brain: Pinky! (twitches, grows large and stops the gears, groaning)

*Pinky: (hops up to the palette) Dislodge the palette. (he tries to pull on what’s keeping the palette in place, fails).

*Brain: Now, Pinky! The palette!

*Pinky: Oh, sorry Brain! (he tries to move the palette, fails).

(Brain shrinks back to normal size, the gears turn and audibly crush him. The palette turns and Pinky falls. Both mice are tossed around by gears. Big Ben strikes four. Both mice fall, get hit by swinging pendulum. They land on the bells, which play chopsticks on the mice. The clock passes four. The mice land on the floor in front of the entrance.)

*Pinky: Oh, I’m sorry, Brain..

(Brain twitches, then shrinks.)

*Pinky: Narf! Oh, no, I’m- I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

(Brain shrinks twice)

*Pinky: Egad, Brain. I don’t mean to keep sayin’ I’m sorry!

(Brain shrinks again)

*Brain: (high-pitched voice) Anger me Pinky! Hit me!

*Pinky: Ohh, (whimpers) egad Brain. (pants) Alright..

(He flicks Brain, who grows some)

*Brain: (slightly lower voice) Again, Pinky.

(Pinky flattens Brain with his fist, who stands up, dazed, then grows

*Brain: (Lower voice, but still high-pitched) Again.

(Pinks hits Brain over the head with a large board, Brain grows back to normal size.)

*Pinky: Again, Brain?

*Brain: No.

*Pinky: Oh. Well, tomorrow then, I could hit you tomorrow.

*Brain: No, Pinky. This plan is detrimental to my health. We must devise another.

*Pinky: What for, Brain?

(Brain turns towards Pinky, Pinky gasps and braces himself to be hit)

*Pinky: (gaps) Oh, right, to take over the world, sorry.

(Brain shrinks and becomes very small. Both start walking home without saying anything. Big Ben’s bells play chopsticks.)

*Pinky: Listen, Brain, they’re playing our song! (he does a spin)

*Singers:

They’re dinky

They’re Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain.

Meet Minerva[]

(music plays, a forest is shown, a car drives by. The camera pans to a log house,the home to Minerva Mink. A lovely, beautiful and incredibly attractive young white mink, blonde hair and tail. She's at her dresser in her dressing gown and brushing her hair as she sings to herself. )

*Minerva: (singing) It’s not pretty being me. Just try it and you’ll see. It’s harder than you think, to be a gorgeous mink. (she brushes her hair) La da-da da da-da-dee, it’s not pretty being me.

(Minerva smiles, and answering machine beeps and flashes. She stares at it, and tilts her head)

*Minerva: (no longer singing) More messages? (presses button on machine) Ho-hum. (resumes brushing hair)

*Laurence: Hi, uh, Minerva? This is Laurence.

*Minerva: I’m a titter. (turns around to look at herself in another mirror)

*Laurence: Um, I-I was wondering, do you want to go out with me- bye.

*Minerva: I don’t think so. (She's at her mirror ready to apply red lipstick until another message plays.)

*Fowlmouth: Dadgum (incomprehensible) this is Fowlmouth! And dadgum Shirley is out of town for the dadgum weekend!

(Minerva rushes over to the machine to skip the message)

*Minerva: Poultry. Eww.

*Trudy: Hiiii! This is Trudy, your best friend. Uh, my cousin is in town, and I told him you could, you know, show him around?

*Minerva: I’d rather chew aluminum.

*Trudy: He’ll be over at five. Byeee!

*Minerva: A moment of silence for my former best friend.

(The scene changes to outside, Minerva leaves her house, wearing a small pink towel-dress and with a matching towel wrapped around her head. She is carrying a small purse. She walks past a squirrel couple in a tree. The male squirrel’s jaw drops, and his eyes get big. He winds his tail to make his eyes grow like telescopes to get a better look at Minerva. The female squirrel hits him over the head with a nut, which pushes his head in. His head comes out of his chest, and he wolf-whistles at Minerva. Minerva walks past a rock, and a male brown raccoon pops up from behind it. His jaw drops, and he mask around his eyes pops out in front of him. His eyes grow to join it, and he hits his tail on the rock. A frog is shown on a lilypad, and a fly is buzzing around it. It sticks its tongue out and eats the fly and ribbits twice. Minerva approaches the pond. The frog’s eyes pop out of it’s head, fly into the air, then fall into it’s mouth. He sticks his tongue out to Minerva, presenting the fly.)

*Fly: Please baby, please baby, baby baby please!

(The frog’s tongue goes back into it’s mouth. Minerva walks to a different area of the pond, and sets down her purse. Yakko and Wakko pop up behind her. She starts taking off her towel-dress, but the view is from the back so only her back is seen.)

*Yakko and Wakko: Helloooooo nurse!

(They rush towards her then stop and point their noses at her on all fours, like hunting dogs. Minerva quickly pulls the towel back over her chest so they can’t see anything. Then they stand up and pant, their tongues on the ground and tails wagging. Dot comes in, and smashes them both with a mallet. She shuts them both in a small suitcase.)

*Dot: Boys. (shrugs, picks up the suitcase and carries it away)

*Minerva: Can’t a girl get any privacy?

(Minerva pulls down a screen so only her silhouette is visible. She steps into the pond. Not too far away, an orange truck pulls up. A man gets out of the truck.)

*Man: Well, this is it, Newt.

(The man opens the back of the truck, and a blue dog jumps out. It barks and runs around his feet. The man sets up a chair and cooler.)

*Man: Okay, boy, you know what to do. You get me a mink, you hear? And don’t you hurt that fur!

(Newt salutes and barks. He scampers off while the man gets a drink out of his cooler. He opens the drink.)

*Man: Yep, huntin’ is exhaustin’.

(The scene changes to back at the pond. Minerva is wearing a robe now, and is painting her toenails. Newt runs up, but his eyes are closed, so he doesn’t see how attractive she is.)

*Newt: Greetings, mink. I am Newt, a professionally trained hunting dog. Credentials.

(Newt pulls out a paper that says Predator & Prey Hunting Dog School: 1st in his class. There is a blue ribbon on the paper.)

*Minerva: (unimpressed) Uh-huh.

*Newt: I am here to capture you, and take you to my master. I will show no sympathy, helpless mink. So, might as well surrender. (he opens his eyes, sees how attractive she is.)

*Minerva: Would you do me a.. favor? (the shoulder of her robe falls)

(Newt has wide eyes and is smiling, he has seemingly forgotten the speech he just made.)

*Minerva: (sticks her foot in his face) These are wet. Could you.. blow on them for me?

*Newt: Huh. That ploy won’t with wi-

(Minerva wiggles her toes.)

*Newt: Wi-w-wh- (incoherent mumbling)

(Newt stomps his foot fast. His eyes roll like a casino machine, then say jackpot. Little red hearts pour out of his mouth. He stomps his foot on the ground while steam comes out of his ears. His ears spin, then the rest of him does to. Minerva is looking away, like this is the usual. Newt unspins, then is in a pink suit.)

*Newt: Oooooh, baby, that’s what I like!

(Newt rumbles, then smoke starts coming out from under him. He takes off like a rocket, no longer wearing the suit. He leaves Earth, orbits it a few times, then falls back down. Minerva yawns. Newt lands, exploding, leaving the ground next to Minerva blackened, but Minerva only had her hair and tail pushed back. Minerva shakes her hair until it loosens back up, then looks at her toes.)

*Minerva: I suppose that’ll do.

(The scene fades out then back in at a different area. Newt pushes a cage in that has a bowl of food in it. He pushes it next to Minerva, who is suntanning on a beach chair. There is a small table beside her with a drink on it. She's dressed in a skin tight red jumpsuit.)

*Newt: This is a state-of-the-art mink trap. I am baiting it with my special mixture of milk paste and peanut butter. It’s a delicacy no mink can resist so you might as well get inside.

*Minerva: (sets down her tanning mirror) Actually, pumpkin, (touches his chest) I prefer Chinese.

(Newt’s tail wags, and his ears stick up, then fall off. His arms, torso, and head also all fall. His nose stays in the air, and sees Minerva. Newt’s Nose screams and falls. Newt pops back up and starts digging into the ground.)

*Newt: Chinese! Gotta get Chinese! Gotta get Chinese!

(A skeleton of a dinosaur is thrown out of the ground, a few bones at a time. It looks at Minerva, then falls apart. A sign is thrown up that says Peking Way.)

*Newt: I’ll have the number twelve to go!

(Newt jumps back up out of the hole with a box of Chinese food.)

*Newt: I got the Chinese, my reason for living.

(Newt sets the Chinese inside the trap, but that triggers it and he is caught inside. The Chinese food bounces out and to Minerva. She catches it, folds up her tanning mirror, and starts eating it and walking over to the cage.)

*Minerva: Pathetic, isn’t he?

(Minerva walks away.)

*Newt: Moo goo gai pan.

(The scene changes, Newt is reading a book called Reverse Psychology For Minks.)

*Newt: (reading out loud) If you have trouble luring the mink to you, try using reverse psychology.

(Newt shuts the book and hides behind a tree. Minerva jogs by, wearing workout clothes. Newt chases after her. He jogs beside her.)

*Newt: (taps her on shoulder) Excuse me, mink. I have decided I do not want to trap you at all. (holds her tail) Your fur is not up to my standards. No. You do not interest me at all, little sub-standard mink.

(Minerva stops, stands in front of Newt. She tickles his neck with her tail.)

*Minerva: You’re cute.

(Minerva kisses Newt on the nose. His nose giggles, and slides up his face under Newt’s skin. Newt squeezes his snout until his nose pops back into place. Newt is dazed and has little hearts circling his head. He falls over but is caught by Minerva’s tail.)

*Newt: So, how many people do you want to invite to the wedding?

(Minerva swings her tail, throwing Newt off. He rolls into a hole with a mailbox labeled Gary Gopher. He is quickly kicked out, and is dazed with little hearts around his head again. Gary’s upper half comes out of the hole. Newt falls over backwards.)

*Minerva: What a yutz.

(The scene changes, Newt is hitting a board with a hammer. He has a crazed look in his eyes.)

*Newt: Ok, Newt, don’t get upset. I’m not! Good, you will get the little mink. I know it, I’m a professionally trained hunting dog. Yes, you are. My master won’t mind if the coat is a tad singed.

(The scene zooms out a bit, to show and array of bombs, mistakes, dynamite, fireworks, etc. surrounding Minerva’s house from all angles, some supported by wood shelves. Newt lights a match.)

*Newt: You’re a smarty every day. Yes I am. (lights the fuse)

(It all blows up, stripping the ground of grass and leaving a massive crater, while also leaving Newt charred.)

*Newt: This is a particularly sad moment for me.

*Minerva: (off camera) What have you done?

(Minerva runs to the crater where her house was. She's now wearing a little mini dress/jumpsuit.)

*Minerva: I can’t believe it! How did you know I wanted my house moved right next to the pond? (hugs Newt) Thank you, thank you!

(The house is shown, now right next to the pond.)

*Minerva: Now I can see the water through my bedroom window! And I thought you didn’t like me.

(She kisses him on the snout. He blinks, and flowers sprout all over him, and then fall, leaving nothing. He pops back up in a pink dress,)

*Newt: (high pitched) Oh, you make me feel like a schoolgirl! Hee hee hee hee hee!

(Newt hits himself on the head with a mallet, and falls into the crater.)

*Minerva: Was it something I said?

*Male voice Hi, I’m Trudy's Cousin.

(Minerva sees him, he is tall and attractive, she gasps in shock at the sight. He's a tall mink brown and beige in fur.)

*Trudy's Cousin: (unwraps lollipop) I hope you got cash ‘cause I’m not paying. (sticks lollipop in mouth so only stick is visible)

(Minerva’s tongue drips out of her mouth, falls on the ground in a pile. She cranks her tail, and her tongue goes back in. She sways, then makes monkey noises. She has hearts in her eyes, and her hair and tail is replaced by electricity. The electricity where her hair was spells wow. The electricity turns red, then yellow, then goes back to normal hair. Her hair curls up, then the end lights like a fuse, which travels down her hair until it reaches her and she explodes. She is then in a purple suit like the one Newt was in earlier.)

*Minerva: Ooooh, baby, that’s what I like!

(She spins then is back to normal. She runs and jumps into Trudy's Cousin’s arms. She swoons, then melts. She becomes a train whistle, blows. She then has six heads, which all look at Trudy's Cousin from different directions. She then bounces around in a circle around Trudy's Cousin whooping, leaving little hearts. She lands in front of him, and stands up straight.)

*Minerva: Tee hee.

(Minerva swoons again, then rolls into the crater.)

*Trudy's Cousin: What a yutz. (walks away)

(Minerva pops up from the crater, her hair is messy.)

*Minerva: Like I said, it’s not pretty being me.

(Newt pops up, Minerva is sitting on top of his head.)

*Newt: I think I’ve got me beat, sister.

(They both fall into the crater.)

Randy Beaman[]

Ok so what happened is one time Randy Beaman went on a trip with his dad and they picked up a lady who wanted a ride home and this was in Kansas and she sat in the back seat and when they got where she wanted to go, they turned around and she was gone, and Randy Beaman’s dad talked to the man who lived there and told him what the lady looked like and the man said ‘Oh that’s my wife but she died four years ago’. Spooky huh? K bye.

Ending[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

Pinky: Zort!

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