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Theme Song[]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-,

Totally insane-y...

*Warners

How urbane-y

*Warners:

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

(music)

Gold Rush[]

(The scene fades in, a mountain is shown. The camera pans over a mill and a herd of bulls running. Two men are shown on horses.)

*Men: (singing)

Ohhhhh,

Hear the crickets and the froggies

(The cricket is on the frog’s back, they jump out of the way as a horse steps in their puddle.)

Get along you little doggies

*Horses:

I get my O I get my A

*Man 3:

Iiiiiiiiiiii

Love a’ridin on the ranges

*Men 1/2:

Hear the crickets and the froggies

*Man 3:

Out here where nothin’ ever changes

*Men 1/2:

Get along you little doggies

*Horses:

I get my O I get my Aaaaaaaa

*Men:

It’s peaceful and pretty

You can keep the city

Just give me lots of land and fresh air

Don’t want a lot of faces

Just wide open spaces

Where nobody’s rich but who cares

Ooooooooh

Hear the crickets and the froggies

Get along you little doggies

(Man 2 finds gold)

*Man 2:

Look I found a piece of gold

*Men 1/3:

Yep he found a piece of gold

*Man 2:

Yep I found a piece of-

*Men: (spoken) Gold!

(Two wagons rush in. Another follows, knocking over the three men. Houses and tents start popping up everywhere. A miner is shown mining a cliff, he looks like he has no gold. He sticks his pickaxe in the rock, exhales. He falls over backwards.)

*Miner: Ise been pickin’ away at this hill for two weeks and I ain’t found nothin’.

(The Warners cheer in the background. The Warners are shown, with a large cart full of gold. Yakko is holding a gold rock in his hand.)

*Dot: Ooh, that’s a good one.

*Yakko: Kinda tiny. (hands the gold to Wakko, who opens his mouth and is about to eat the gold) Go out it with the other little ones.

(Wakko throws the gold onto the cart.)

*Miner: (gasps) Gold. They’se found gold! (there are bags of money in his eyes)

(The miner runs over the to Warners, all of whom are mining the ground with pickaxes.)

*Miner: How do there, cute little children?

*Yakko: Oh look, a crotchety old miner.

*Miner: Y’know I couldn’t help but hear that you’re looking for really big chunks of gold.

*Wakko: You know where we can find any?

*Miner: As a matter of fact, I does. There’s big chunks of gold where I was diggin’. I’ll trade places with you, ok?

*Yakko: Gee, thanks!

(The Warners all jump on and kiss the miner. Then they push their cart of gold to where the miner was mining.)

*Miner: (laughs) Dumb kids. They fell for it. I’m a smarty. A rich old smarty.

(The Warners all cheer.)

*Miner: Huh? (gasps)

*Dot: That’s a pretty one!

*Yakko: Now that’s a gold nugget!

(The miner looks dumbfounded. He drops his pickaxe, rubs his hand down his face.)

*Miner: (angrily) Ooooooh..

(The Warners put their gold with the rest, and the miner walks over to where the Warners are.)

*Miner: Now wait just a dadburn minute! I’m takin’ all this here gold for me! (he grabs the Warners, carries them to a cliff) Now get off this mountain and don’t come back! (he throws the Warners off the cliff.)

(The Warners land in a river.)

*Yakko: I think we just met today’s special friend.

(The screen fades to black and then fades into the miner on a cliff. He is next to a thermostat, which reads a high temperature. He is sweating. He checks the thermostat, it reads 105.)

*Hoo-wee it’s hot. (he pants)

*Dot: Lemonade! Get your ice-cold lemonade!

(Dot is shown dressed in a different outfit, carrying a single lemonade on a tray. The miner runs over to her.)

*Miner: Oooh, let me have one of those, little lady.

*Dot: That’ll be one gold nugget, please.

*Miner: A gold nugget? That’s steep.

*Dot: No, it’s expensive. That’s steep. (points to the edge of the cliff)

(The edge of the cliff crumbles, making the miner fall. Dot leans to watch him fall over the edge. Yakko and Wakko stop him from falling by catching him in a net.)

*Miner: Thanks, boys.

*Yakko: Rescue service. That’ll be one gold nugget.

*Miner: One gold nugget? That’s ridiculous, I won’t pay.

*Yakko: Okay.

(Yakko and Wakko turn the net over, and the miner falls off the cliff.)

*Miner: Okay! I’ll pay! I’ll pay!

(Yakko and Wakko catch the miner in a net just before he hits the ground. Yakko holds his hand out, and the miner gives him a gold nugget. Yakko and Wakko drop the net and run off, making the miner fall on a cactus. He jumps into the air, then lands, mad. He marches over to try and find them, but can’t. He stops near a bridge.)

*Yakko and Wakko: Yoo-hoo, Mr. Cranky Claim Jumper!

(Yakko and Wakko are on the bridge, and are wearing cowboy clothes. They take off running, the miner follows. At the end of the bridge, a bar hits the miner on the head. It is for a toll bridge, which dot is running.)

*Dot: Toll bridge. That’ll be five gold nuggets please.

(The miner reaches out of his bag and gives the gold nuggets to Dot.)

*Dot: Thank you! Have a pleasant stay!

(The bar lifts, and the miner runs after Yakko and Wakko. After the bridge, he stops, and looks around for them. They whistle. He looks back, and they are on the original side of the bridge. He growls. He runs, but is again stopped at the toll booth.)

*Dot: Six gold nuggets please.

*Miner: Ohhhhhh! (hands the gold nuggets to Dot)

(Dot opens the toll bridge.)

*Dot: It’s a running gag.

(The miner runs to Yakko and Wakko.)

*Yakko: Hey mister, we know how you can get to the golden side of the mountain.

(The miner stops running.)

*Miner: You do?

*Wakko (pulls dynamite out of bag) Dynamite!

*Miner: Wait a minute.. how much?

*Wakko: Free.

*Miner: I’ll take all of it!

(Wakko throws a large number of sticks of dynamite to the miner.)

*Wakko: Would you like some fuses? (pulls some fuses out of bag)

*Miner: What! No fuses?

*Wakko: They only cost 10 gold nuggets!

*Miner: But that’s all I got left.. oh, alright. ‘Cause once I blowed up that mountain, all that gold’ll be mine.

(The miner drops the bag into Wakko’s hand and grabs the fuses. He puts them in his pocket, then picks up the dynamite again.)

*Miner: So long, suckers! (laughs)

(All the dynamite has now been placed on the mountain. The miner lights the fuse, then drops it.)

*Miner: (laughs) That ought’a do it. (he walks away) Look out gold, here I come!

(He hides behind a rock and covers his ears. The mountain explodes, revealing one large piece of gold. It is glowing brightly.)

*Miner: Ise rich! Ise rich!! Gold! Gooold! Gooooooold!

(All the people from all the houses run towards the mountain, cheering. The Warners watch the miner dance while the large piece of gold is miner in the background.)

*Miner: Ise rich, hee hee! Ise rich, ho ho, ho ho, hee hee! Hot dang! Heh, heh heh.. (sees gold gone, coughs)

(The miner looks into the crater, cries.)

*Miner: My gold’s all gone!

(Yakko and Wakko approach.)

*Yakko: We’ll buy the land from ya for a gold nugget.

*Miner: Haha! (snatches gold nugget) I can’t believe it! The land’s worthless! Can’t you see the gold’s all gone?

*Yakko: That’s okay. We just wanted the oil.

*Miner: Oil?

(The ground starts shaking. A fountain of oil comes up. The miner faints. The Warners all shrug, then smile, showing they each have a gold tooth.)

A Gift of Gold[]

(Acme Mall is shown. Inside, people Christmas shop.)

*Narrator: Every day, in department stores and toy stores and shops, all over the world, beautiful gifts are sold.

(A man picks out a gift called Juggling Joe.)

*Man: Perfect!

*Narrator: And, of course, all these gifts need to be wrapped!

(A counter is shown with a selection of wrapping paper, and a girl wrapping presents.)

*Man: Wrap this please.

*Woman: My pleasure.

*Narrator: But this is not a story about shopping. It’s a story about wrapping paper.

*Woman: And which color paper do you wish, sir?

(All the rolls of wrapping paper perk up.)

*Man: Hmm.

(The green and plaid wrapping papers signal to themselves to be picked.)

*Narrator: A very special wrapping paper.

(On the other side, the British and balloon wrapping papers signal to themselves, while the brown and gold don’t try for attention. The British wrapping paper pushes down the balloon paper.)

*Narrator: In fact, she was the most beautiful wrapping paper in the whole world. Or, at least, so she thought. Of course, the other wrapping papers didn’t want anything to do with her.

(The plaid points to the gold, and the plaid and the green lean away. The gold waves to the British and balloon. The British blows a raspberry at the gold. The brown adjusts its ‘arm’ so it’s looking away from the gold.)

*Man: I'll take that gold colored paper.

*Narrator: None of them could believe it. Just imagine their jealousy.

(The woman takes the gold wrapping paper out, and the other colors can be seen jumping the background. The woman clears some room, and lays out a sheet of the gold. The plaid and green lean away from the gold sheet on the counter, but then look anyways. The woman starts wrapping the gift. The British paper points to the gold, and him and the brown silently agree. The balloon looks between them to watch. The woman finishes wrapping the gift. The other wrapping paper colors lean together and whisper.)

*Woman: There you are, sir. (holds up the sparkling gift)

*Man: Ah, thank you, it looks lovely!

(The other wrapping papers watch the man walk away with the golden gift. Back at the man’s house, the man presents the gift to his daughter, who is Mindy. Buttons is beside her.)

*Mindy’s Father: Happy birthday Mindy!

(Mindy shakes the present.)

*Mindy: Thank you Mr. man!

*Mindy’s Dad: Please don’t call me that.

(Buttons pulls a doll shirt off his tail with his teeth.)

*Mindy’s Dad: Call me Dad, Daddy, or- or, Pa.

(The doll shirt gets stuck on Button’s snout.)

*Mindy: Okay Mr. man!

*Mindy’s Dad: How..

(Buttons paws at the doll shirt. He has to shake his head hard to get it off.)

*Mindy: Pretty..

(Mindy shakes the box and hears something rattling inside. She rips off the bow.)

*Narrator: And now, comes the big moment..

(Mindy starts ripping off wrapping paper.)

*Narrator: Oh, the violence.

(Mindy tosses pieces of wrapping paper from the present.)

*Narrator: The viciousness.

(Buttons covers his face. Mindy pulls out her present. Mindy balls up the wrapping paper and throws it behind her.)

*Narrator: Now, that could be the end of the story..

(The wrapping paper unballs itself, it is shaped remotely like a person, with pieces resembling arms and legs and a head. It shakes it’s head, and looks around. It scratches it neck.)

*Narrator: But it’s not.

(The maid is shown vacuuming, Buttons is sleeping on the floor and Mindy is sleeping on the couch.)

*Narrator: In fact, for this piece of wrapping paper, the adventure is just beginning.

(The wrapping paper ducks behind a bookshelf as the vacuum comes by. The maid grabs it, and tosses it into the trash can. It looks up as more items are put into the trash. She picks up the trash, and dumps it into the trash can outside. She goes back inside. The garbage truck comes. The garbage men grab both trash cans and empty them into the truck. The wrapping paper pushes a plate off of it and stand up. The back of the trash truck starts to close, the wrapping paper jumps up and tires to get out, but fails.)

*Narrator: Yes, our lovely gold paper is heading for the dump.

(A road is shown where a car and a motorcycle drive by. The garbage truck drives down the road. They pass a sign that says that the city dump is on the next exit.)

*Narrator: That’s right, Goldie, it’s off to the wasteland with you. Like so many worn out dreams and tattered promises.

(The dump is shown. Birds pick at garbage. The dump comes, scaring the birds away. The trash is dumped out. The golden wrapping paper hangs on to the truck, but is blown off by wind.)

*Narrator: Ah, but wait, she’s free!

(The wind swirls the wrapping paper into the air.)

*Narrator: Free..

(The wrapping paper flies down to a road. It is blown around in between cars. It lands gently on the road, but is almost hit by a car. It flies to the other side of the road, but then sees a semi truck coming. She’s hit, and is stuck on a tire. She flies forward and gets stuck on another tire, but then is free again. She tries to fly to a street lamp, but fails. She gets stuck on the tires of another semi truck.)

*Narrator: Poor, poor Goldie. Just when it seemed like things couldn’t get any worse. In steps fate and, well, you get the picture.

(The wrapping paper ends up flat on the windshield of a car, which swerves. The driver uses windshield wipers to get rid of it. She flies upwards, and then down towards a fishing dock filled with people. She is just above the surface of the water.)

*Narrator: Uh-oh, don’t you know wrapping paper can’t swim?

(The wrapping paper tries to run away in the air from the water, but then gets sucked under. A fishing line goes into the water and hooks the wrapping paper and starts reeling it in.)

*Narrator: Oh dear. There’s that fate thing again.

(The fisher realizes he hooked paper, so he swings the hook until the paper pops off. It floats into an alleyway and lands on the ground.)

Narrator: And so, the gold wrapping paper was nearing the end of her journey. Yesterday, she was the most beautiful piece of wrapping paper in the store.

(It gets stepped on twice, someone rips off a small piece of it to spit out their gum.)

*Narrator: And today, nothing more than litter. Too bad. ‘Tis a sad, sad fate that makes beauty fade.

(Wind blows the rest of the wrapping paper into the edge a trash can.)

*Narrator: Ho. Yet, so it goes. As all things must go, to face the cold, cold end.

(A homeless man notices the wrapping paper. He has a toy with dirt on it under his arm. He grabs the wrapping paper, and shines it on his jacket. He smiles. He clears space off a box, then wraps the small toy in a bag and ties it. He walks over to his car, where his wife and child are. He approaches with the bag behind his back.)

Pop: (clears his throat, hands bag to child.) Happy birthday, son.

Son: Thanks, Pop.

(The wife goes over to the man, and they stand close. The son gently unfolds the gift. He winds it up, and it drums and marches in place. The parents set a cake down with candles on it. The son folds up the wrapping paper neatly and puts it in his pocket.)

Narrator: In a world where so much is disposable, it’s truly a thing of wonder when the little things are appreciated.

(The wrapping paper gleams.)

Dot’s Quiet Time[]

(Dot is laying in bed. There is a book on the nightstand. She picks it up and opens it.)

*Dot: I love cheap romance horror thriller novels.

(She licks her finger and starts leafing through the pages. There is an explosion, which makes Dot grip her bed and toss the book. She lets go of the bed, and the book lands on her head. She looks over to see a log fort. Yakko and Wakko run out, around the fort, then stop in front of it. Yakko plays a trumpet while Wakko drums. They continue running. Dot screams and braces herself while her brothers run over her bed, chasing each other. They’re now dressed as Indians, with feathers on their heads, and crossbows with toilet plungers instead of arrows. They’re standing behind some rocks.)

*Yakko and Wakko: Fire!

(They fire their crossbows and then hit themselves with them, and pretend to groan in pain. They continue to chase each other back and forth over Dot’s bed, laughing.)

*Dot: Quiet!

(Her brothers were dressed as hockey players and were wresting but suddenly stop.)

*Dot: Thanks. (picks up book and continues reading)

(Sword noises can be heard. Dot lowers her book to see Wakko swinging Yakko around on a rope. Both are dressed as pirates, and Yakko has a sword. Yakko is swing his sword at empty suits of knight armor. Addition crashing noises can be heard while Dot tries to cover her ears in various positions.)

*Dot: (singing)

All I want is quiet,

No reason to deny it,

I can't take that riot,

Quiet! Quiet! Quiet!

Let me clarify it,

The noise, I can't defy it,

I simply will not buy it.

Give me quiet! Quiet! Quiet!

(Dot opens a curtain with a turning handle behind it. She turns it to open doors in the ceiling and floor, and then a platform roses from the floor which takes Dot on the roof. She jumps down.)

Not to nullify it,

I just won't stand by it.

It's time now to bye-bye it.

I want Quiet! Quiet! Quiet!

(Beethoven's Sixth Symphony plays, Dot bikes into a meadow, and lays out a picnic blanket. She sits down, but a cow moos behind her. A caterpillar loudly eats a leaf in front of her. An owl hoots in a tree, and swoops over Dot. A cricket makes noise on a branch. Dot is shaking with anger.)

I want quiet! Quiet! Quiet!

This search I can't deny it

To find some peace and quiet.

I’ll search both low and high, it

Must be quiet! Quiet! Quiet!

(She travels from Burbank to Scotland. She bikes to and sits on a wall by the ocean, trying to read her book. A person passes by playing bagpipes.)

QUIET!!!!!!

(She travels to Paris, and goes inside a Church)

(spoken) Ah, such peace. Such joy.

(She grabs her book and starts reading, but rips it in half when the church bells ring. She runs out of the church.)

QUIET!!!!!!!!!!

(She travels to Italy, by the leaning tower of Pisa, and sighs contently. She takes out her book, which has been repaired, but then the tower behind her shakes, and falls right beside her. A map shows her going to Africa, but elephants stampede through a hole in the map, trumpeting.

I said quiet, Quiet QUIET!

(She sails to a remote island, and sits underneath a palm tree. A volcano rises from where the island was, and erupts. Dot falls into the ocean, then travels to Nepal. She climbs to the top of Mount Everest.)

Yoo-hoo! (echoes)

(When there is no response she smiles and sits down. She takes out her book and reads. She then realizes how quiet it is, the only noise audible the the faint whistling of wind.)

*Dot: (spoken) Hmm. Gee, it's so quiet.

(She smiles, then goes back to reading,)

*Dot (spoken) Too quiet. Terribly quiet. Awfully quiet.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

(singing)

I thought I wanted quiet,

I thought I could apply it,

But now that I have tried it

I’m sick and tired of quiet!

(She takes out speakers, and turns them on. Rock version of the theme song plays. She grabs her book and resumes reading.)

*Dot: (spoken) Heehee!

Ending[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Yakko: Goodnight, Wakko.

*Wakko: Goodnight, Yakko. Goodnight, Dot.

*Dot: Goodnight, Wakko. Goodnight Yakko.

*Yakko: Goodnight, Dot. Goodnight, John Boy.

*John Boy: Let me outta this tower!

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