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Theme song[]

[The intro begins with a shot of the Warner Bros.' water tower. The camera zooms in to the shield of tower, of which the Warners open while singing and jump out. ]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: It's time for Animaniacs and we're zany to the max

[The scene then cuts to Dr. Scratchansniff sitting in while watching a television; the Warners (wearing lab coats) appear and tickle his feet, sending him into hysterical laughter and Yakko sends Scratchansniff crashing into the floor with the lever of the examination chair.]

Yakko, Wakko and Dot: So just sit back and relax. You'll laugh till you collapse.

[The show's title appears with them singing]

Yakko, Wakko and Dot: We're Animaniacs!

[Yakko and Wakko walk in a silly way along the Warner Bros.' studio lot while Dot hops in.]

*Yakko and Wakko: Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot: And the Warner Sister Dot.

[The siblings do a double take and run with Ralph the Guard chasing them with a net]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

[Ralph locks the Warners in the water tower, but they appear on his head under his hat]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

[They run away outside the lot.]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

[They are hit by the show's title with them singing again]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: We're Animaniacs [Dot appears posing on a stage and Yakko talks to an annoyed yak, who splashes his face into the soup .] Dot is cute and Yakko yaks. [Wakko eats food from a truck loading it into his mouth. Bill Clinton is playing a saxophone before the Warners pop out of it. ] Wakko packs away the snacks, while Bill Clinton plays the sax! We're Animaniacs!

[Yakko plays a bunch of characters from the show (mainly their 'special friends') like a xylophone. Pinky and the Brain are introduced; they are standing on top of the Earth.]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe. [The Brain turns on a huge magnet with an awestruck Pinky gazing at the power beam, before Saturn crashes into the two. The Goodfeathers are standing on top of a power line; Squit hugs Bobby and Pesto before they are hit by Slappy's purse.] Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse. [Buttons chases Mindy across a steel beam, while Rita sings and Runt smiles while the Warners singing.] Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse. [Two writers in their office go crazy, Yakko and Dot throw away a script, of which Wakko eats.] The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

[The cast are then seen walking, and show their contracts]

*All: We're Animaniacs! We have pay-or-play contracts!

[In a lavender background, the Warners appear singing.]

*All: We're zany to the max [Backed up by the cast (colored in blue), Dot puts slices of bologna in Yakko's slacks, of which Wakko is pulling.] There's baloney in our slacks! [Zooms out with the cast singing in a dark-colored background.] We're Animanie- Totally insane-y

*Dot: The rain in Spain-y

[The show's logo appears one last time with the Warners singing the show's title (zooming letters), proclaiming "Those are the facts.", and the song ends.]

*All: Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Taming of the Screwy[]

[The cartoon opens up on an aerial shot of The Warner Brothers Studio as upbeat music plays throughout the background. Cut to Warner Brothers Studios building. Inside, a woman passes by a portrait of Thaddeus Plotz. Camera pans right to his office]

*Unknown person: [to two other unknown men] He's a chicken, I tell ya. A giant chicken!

*Thaddeus Plotz: Dr. Scratchansniff, do you know what keeps this studio running?

[Fade to inside of office]

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Err, your brilliant leadership, T.P?

*Thaddeus Plotz: I mean besides that. What keeps this place going?

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Mmmm... Mel Gibson movies?

*Thaddeus Plotz: YES! That's it, sniff. And how do we pay for those movies? With money! money. And we need more. With that in mind, I've invited some powerful foreign investors to come here tomorrow. They'll prepare to give us 1 billion of it. Billion of it. 1 billion. 1 billion dollars! Do you know what that means?

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Ja, that's a one with lots und lots of zeros after it.

*Thaddeus Plotz: No! It means tomorrow is the most important day in the studio's history! I'm throwing a gala banquet on sound stage 10. Now every star in hollywood would be there. Investors will get the royal treatment, and we'll get the check. IF, it goes smoothly. There's just one catch. Before they invest, they wanna meet every one who works here. Including you.

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Ooh, that's nice. I like to party.

*Thaddeus Plotz: And including, the Warner Brothers.

*Yakko and Wakko: Hi, T.P

*Dot: And the Warner Sister

*Dr. Scratchansniff: No, T.P! Don't let the investors meet the warners! They're out of control. They're koo-koo! They're-

*Thaddeus Plotz: Your responsibility. You're the studio psychiatrist. You have 24 hours, Scratchansniff, to teach them some manners. I can't have those! Those! What are they?

*Dr. Scratchansniff: I don't know

*Thaddeus Plotz: Now I can't have them ruining this banquet! Understand?

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Alright, I'll try.

*Thaddeus Plotz: Trying is not good enough, Scratchansniff. DO IT!

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Uh! Eh! Pleugh! (falls down) . Rggrgh! (change scene, on communication device), Bring me ze Warner Brothers. Wish me luck, Siggy.

*Ralph T. Guard: (brings in box, runs out)

*Dr. Scratchansniff: (opens box using crowbar)

*Yakko (in harmony of the A7 chord): Hello

*Dot: Doctor.

*Wakko: Scratchansniff

*Warnet trio (singing):

He asked a lot of questions, to find out what we think

He's Doctor Scratchansniff, the studio's shrink.

He says

*Yakko:

How do you feel?

*Wakko and Dot:

We say with our hands.

*Yakko:

How do you stay together?

*Wakko and Dot:

We use rubber bands.

*Yakko:

I want to know your psyche

*Wakko and Dot:

There's two inside our skull

*Yakko:

Now what would you call that?

*Wakko and Dot:

A Bi-psyche-skull.

*Warner trio:

He knows our motivations, that's what he'd like to think,

He's Doctor Scratchansniff, the studio shrink!

(they all fling Dr. Scratchansniff into a wall with a circular motion)

*Dr. Scratchansniff (spoken): Stop zat, Stop! Do you know why you're here?

*Yakko: No-one really knows why we're here, doc, although Schopenhauer put forth an interesting theory.

*Dr. Scratchansniff: That is not what I meant!

*Dot: Then why'd you say it?

*Dr. Scratchansniff: You're misinterpreting!

*Yakko: No, this is miss interpreting.

*Wakko: This is miss understanding.

*Dot: And I'm mysterious.

*Wakko: Ooh, a giant pez dispenser (Siggy?). Want one?

*Yakko: Please.

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Stop playing with my bust!

*Yakko: (kiss) Goodnight, everybody!

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Be quiet please, I have something to tell you!

*Yakko: Ooh, story time

*Wakko: Get right to the scary part.

*Dr. Scratchansniff: What scary part?

*Dot: The part with my pet. (opens box, Dot's pet appears as giant crab with eyeball replacing its head)

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Eagh! Ya, yeah your pet, okay. Good pet. Heh heh heh. Now listen. The studio is getting a big fancy party for some new investors, with movie stars und everything, und, uh. You have been invited.

*Warner trio: Movie stars?

*Yakko: Michelle Pfeiffer.

*Dot: Mel Gibson.

*Wakko: Don Knotts!

*Dr. Scratchansniff: PLEASE! We have also some bad news.

*Dot: Bea Arthur's putting out a swimsuit calendar?

*Dr. Scratchansniff: She is? Of course not. No, ze bad news is, you can only go if I train you to be polite, clean, well-dressed children on your best behavior.

*Dot: I thought you said it was a party!

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Well, yes? or no?

*Warner Trio: (gibberish)

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Well, what did you decide?

*Warner Trio: (exactly same gibberish as before)

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Yes, or no?

*Warner Trio: Yes.

*Yakko: You got yourself a deal, doc.

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Let ze training begin!

*Yakko: Keep your guard up! Right! Right! On your toes. Aahh! You're a wrecking machine!

*Wakko: (fights against a bean bag, which snaps and falls on him)

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Ggggh! I got a headache zis big (places hands apart).

(black screen, change scene)

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Und now my little, uh, friends, we shall begin training you for the party. Oh miss nurse! Will you please come in here?

*Hello Nurse: (Opens door, walks provocatively)

*Yakko and Wakko: (pant) Hello, Nurse!

*Dot: Boys, go fig.

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Miss nurse here, is going to assist me in your lessons on ettiquette. We'll start with ze receiving line.

*Warner Trio: (all form a line behind Hello Nurse and do a dance)

*Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no, zat's a conga line!

*Yakko: Ooh, nice to know you're up on your dance steps, doc.

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Grragh! Hurgh! Hrrr! RRRRR! (change scene, same area), now, in a receiving line, if I introduced her to you, what would be ze proper greeting?

*Yakko and Wakko: Hello, Nurse!

*Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no, a proper greeting like zis. (bows) How do, you do? (shakes hands) Now, Yakko, you try.

*Yakko: (bows) How do, you do (shakes hand), that thing with your mouth? (lands in Hello Nurse's arms, kisses her) Take me away, but be gentle; I'm fragile. (Yakko fractures into many tiny pieces.)

*Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no, it is impolite to be that personal. Wakko?

*Wakko: I disagree.

*Dr. Scratchansniff: No, I want you to greet ze lady.

*Wakko: (kisses Hello Nurse), Hello, Nurse!

*Dr. Scratchansniff: No no no, how do, you do.

*Wakko: Oh fine thanks (shakes dr. Scratchansniff's hand)

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Rgh! Dot, would you care to give it a try? But, I'd like you to make a little curtzy

*Dot: Thanks, but I did before I left home.

*Dr. Scratchansniff: No, a curtzy, make a little curtzy!

*Yakko and Wakko: (Laugh) Make a little curtzy, a curtzy (Yakko does a curtzy)! A little curtzy (Wakko does a curtzy)! (more laughing)

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Stop it! Stop zat! I am not here to amuse you!

*Yakko: Then please stop being so funny (wakko laughs)!

*Dr. Scratchansniff: (facepalms) Now Dot, please give it a try.

*Dot: How do you do (does a curtzy, then midway, collapses onto the floor)? Tee-hee, curtzy laugh.

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Ooh (double facepalms)! Nngnhuh! Let's move on.

*Yakko and Wakko: And lift!

*Dot: Comin' through (fridge)!

*Yakko: Uh, where do you want the couch back?

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Euugh!

(Bb augmented chord plays)

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Now we will work on our diction. How do we avoid bad elocution?

*Yakko: Stay inside during a thunder storm.

*Wakko: (plays drums that came from nowhere)

*Dr. Scratchansniff: No no, elocution, diction, pronunciation! We will work on our vowel sounds! Let's pronounce zis! A-e-i-o-u

*Warner Trio: aeiou (not separated at all)

*Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no I want ze letters, the letters!

*Warner Trio: (sending actual letters), Scratchansniff, Scratchansniff, Scratchansniff

*Yakko: Hey! Doctor Otto Scratchansniff! You may have won 10 million dollars!

*Dot: Are you married? (kisses Otto 6 times, lips imprint stays)

*Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no, NO!

*Dot: With a temper like that, it's no wonder.

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Stop! (haltenzie?)! for-ge-, No! In your seats! (lips imprint gone), if you want to go to the party, you must stop with the games.

*Warner Trio: (have physical restrictions which don't allow them to talk. Wakko has a lock, the other have blindfolds.)

*Yakko and Dot: (take blindfolds off) Oh alright.

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Heh. Let's plunge ahead.

*Warner Trio: Okay! (all jump off a high diving board into a small tub of water, Wakko says "cannonball!").

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Yergh! (gets splashed)

(change scene)

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Well it's time to eat. Table manners are of ze utmost importance. Now, first, I want you all to sit up.

*Warner Trio: (stand on table, pant like dogs and wag their tails.) Woof!

*Yakko: We can also roll over and play dead.

*Warner Trio: (roll off the table)

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Get up! Get up!

*Dot: What, without a treat?

*Dr. Scratchansniff: YES!

*Yakko: Alright, but Shamu wouldn't work under these conditions

*Dr. Scratchansniff: But Shamu doesn't want to go to the party.

*Dot: Was he invited?

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Gaggh!

*Hello Nurse: (walks in provocatively in a maid outfit with food, brings food down)

*Yakko and Wakko: (pant) Hello, French nurse!

*Dot: (inhales, points her finger up), never mind (crosses her arms)

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Now, we will eat a practice meal, ja, und I will correct you as we go along. Begin

*Warner Trio: (Drink soup, throw the plates away, then jump around stuffing themselves more than saiyans from dragon ball)

*Doctor Scratchansniff: Don't eat with your hands! You must use the proper tools!

*Yakko: (operates a dig machine as to dump food with a bigger total volume than Wakko into Wakko's mouth

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Stop zat, sit down! Do you want to go to the party, or not?

*Warner Trio: Yes.

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Gaargh! Fine. Now zen, you have, a salad fork, a dinner fork, a butter knife, a water glass, a zoup spoon, a dinner knife, a fish knife, an oyster fork, desert spoon, a napkin, a finger bowl, a dinner spoon, a 'zalad knife, a bread plate. Got it?

*Wakko: Got it? I can beat it, I have a full house.

*Yakko and Dot: Auow! (slam cards into table)

*Dr. Scratchansniff: You're not paying attention. You didn't hear any of that. You're not listening to anything I say!

*Yakko: Well, sure we are, doc. Let's review, shall we.

*Yakko (singing):

When you walk into a party, it's a formal universe.

*Dr. Scratchansniff:

Ja!

*Warner Trio:

So you jump up on your host and with a kiss say hello, nurse!

*Doctor Scratchansniff:

No!

*Yakko:

Remember that good diction reflects so well on you,

*Dr. Scratchansniff:

JA!

*Warner Trio:

So practice all your vowel sounds, by saying aeiou

*Dr. Scratchansniff:

No!

*Yakko:

To use the right utensils, one of ettiquette's demands,

*Doctor Scratchansniff:

Eurgh.

*Warner Trio:

So we recommend you throw them out and eat, with your hands.

*Dot:

A salad fork

*Yakko:

A dinner fork

*Wakko:

A butter knife

*Warner Trio:

A water glass

*Dot:

A soup spoon

*Yakko:

A dinner knife

*Wakko:

A fork for eating pickled bass

*Warner Trio:

An oyster fork, dessert spoon, a napkin and a finger bowl,

A dinner spoon, a salad knife, a bread plate for your dinner roll.

We've heard the rules you need to know to make that social climb,

But we'd rather spend our energy on having a good time.

*Dr. Scratchansniff (spoken): Ehuhuh. No. No! NO! I give up! It can't be done! Kaputski, you're not going to the party!

*Warner Trio: Not going to the party? Why?

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Why? WHY? Because you won't be polite, speak correctly, or say, how do you do?

*Dot: Oh that.

*Yakko: You mean like this?

*Warner Trio: (dress up) How do, you do? (Dot does a curtzy, Yakko and Wakko bow)

*Dr. Scratchansniff: You, you can do 'zat?

*Dot: Sure!

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Then, why did you give me such a hard time?

*Warner Trio: 'Cause we love ya (all kiss Dr. Scratchansniff.) Heh. Well then, let's party!

(blackout, change scene, jazz music starts)

*Female reporter: We're here at the Warner Brothers' lot for a fantabulous gala event. As the studio woos some new investors. Rumor has it, the stakes are high with 1 billion dollars on the line tonight. Now let's meet the arriving stars (car crashes into her) Ooh!

*Shapeshifting man: (walks towards the event)

*Ralph T. Guard: Uh, ah, sorry sir but this is a black tie affair.

*Shapeshifting man: (turns silver)

*Ralph T. Guard: (gets frightened)

*Female celebrity: Finally, you landed.

*Female reporter: And there's the CEO, Thaddeus Plotz, with his foreign investors now.

*Thaddeus Plotz: Uh, please tell our honored new investors that this party is our way of saying welcome, and uh, heh heh heh, You're a-ok, pardner! (laughs)

*Female translator: (Japanese) You're a-ok partner.

*2 Male investors: (stone faced)

*Thaddeus Plotz: (nervously laughs)

*Ralph T. Guard: Dr. Scratchansniff is arriving with the Warner Brothers.

*Thaddeus Plotz: Please let those kids behave, I want my money, I want my money!

*Ralph T. Guard: (points to Dr. Scratchansniff)

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Mr. chairman, may I present, ze Warner Brothers.

*Dot: Addendum. The Warner Sister.

*Warner Trio: How do, you do!

*Female translator: (Japanese)

*2 Male investors: (both bow)

*Yakko: (Japanese)

*No-moutache male investor; (Japanese)

*Yakko: (Japanese)

*Investors: (all laugh)

*Thaddeus Plotz: (laughs), eugh.

*Warner Trio: (walk into the event)

*Black celebrity: How about a smile, please baby, please baby baby baby please?

*Celebrity with long nose: (eats fish)

*Bea Arthur: I'm putting out a swimsuit calendar.

*Celebrity with long nose: (spits out fish), Not while I'm eating.

*Thaddeus Plotz: Good work, Scratchansniff. I'm amazed! heh, you did it! The Warners behaved. Now get them out of here.

*Dr. Scratchansniff: What? But they did their part of the bargain.

*Thaddeus Plotz: I want them out. I don't have that check yet, and they're not going to mess it up. Get 'em out!

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Well kids, that's enough for one night, eh?

*Warner Trio: Huh?

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Don't want you to get over-tired, it's getting late, so it's off to bed with you. Now now, come along, let's go nighty-night.

*Yakko: Hey, what are you doing?

*Dot: Yeah!

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Uh. I'm sorry but the chairman of the board said you had to leave.

*Yakko: But we behaved!

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Yeah, I know, and I'm sorry, now, go on now, go-go on now.

*Dot: No dinner with Mel Gibson?

*Yakko: No dancing with Michelle Pfeiffer?

*Wakko: No chit-chat with Don Knotts?

*Yakko: Well, I know when we're not wanted. I know when we should just go home. Now is not one of those times.

*Warner Trio: (back in the party)

*Thaddeus Plotz: Eh, some party, huh?

*Female translator: (Japanese)

*2 male investors: (stone faced)

*Thaddeus Plotz: (laughs nervously)

*Black male celebrity: How do you open this thing?

*White male celebrity, long hair: (whacks his head on it)

*Black male celebrity: I'm getting to old for this, man. Eh you want this?

*White celebrity, afro: Okay, okay okay okay okay okay okay okay

*Dot: Hello mr. lethal weapon. Did you miss me? (kisses white celebrity, long hair, runs away)

*Wakko: I love your hairdo.

*Yakko: Couldn't Moe and Larry make it? (laugh) Just kidding. (lands in bald white woman's arms) Say, do you have a friend for my brother here?

*Bald white woman: (points)

*Alien: Shoots out tongue

*Wakko: You got a nasty drooling problem.

*Alien: (bears teeth towards Wakko)

*Dot: Not bad, but I got better (reveals pet, who is a Jerry Lewis parody)

*Dot's pet: Oh, monster! (goes back in box)

*Alien: (whimpers and runs away)

*no moustache male investor: (Japanese) Warner Brothers.

*Thaddeus Plotz: (spits out water) The Warners? Where's Scratchansniff?

*Dr. Scratchansniff: I don't want to drive ze batmobile, I just want to sit in it.

*Thaddeus Plotz: Scratchansniff! I told you to send those kids home!

*Dr. Scratchansniff: bu-bu-bu-but I did!

*Thaddeus Plotz: Well they're back, and you better help me catch them. They'll ruin everything!

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Ooh! Uh!

*Wakko: (Puts balloon animals on the investors)

*Old white male: Hey Slappy, did I show you this? (does 1 arm pushups on the table)

*Slappy: Save it for the Jack Lalane story, bubula. (runs) You know, you remind me of a very mature Johnny Quest.

*Michelle Pfeiffer: (licks milk, licks arm)

*Yakko and Wakko: (appear from milk) Hello, kitty!

*Michelle Pfeiffer: Who are you?

*Yakko and Wakko: (jump out of milk) We're the Warner Brothers!

*Michelle Pfeiffer: Like the studio?

*Yakko: Not very much, but we don't have a choice.

*Wakko: Didya know there's a thing in your milk.

(detached handwalks out of milk)

*Thaddeus Plotz: There they are!

*Yakko: Save me a spot on your dance card. (runs away with Wakko)

*Thaddeus Plotz and Dr. Scratchansniff: (chase)

*Yakko: Hey, is that Barry Manilow?

*Violinists: Oh! Haah! (run without their violins)

*Warner Trio: (grab violins and play, and jump up and play turkey in the straw 5 times when Thaddeus Plotz and Dr. Scratchansniff, but play Eine kleine Nachtmusik by Mozart when they look)

*Rita and Runt: (eat food off plates on table)

*Warner Trio: (play Turkey in the Straw, but run away when they notice Dr. Scratchansniff and Thaddeus Plotz)

*Thaddeus Plotz and Dr. Scratchansniff: (chase)

*Yakko: Take over for us.

*2 teenagers: No way!

*Warner Trio: Way!

*2 teenagers: (play rock, beauty and the beast get tossed out of the crowd)

*Black woman: Who says studio parties don't rock.

*Man with tall hat: That's shin-dig, darling.

(both walk away from table. Warner Trio chased by Thaddeus Plotz and Dr, Scratchansniff. Tables fly. Warner trio jumps on the food of the investors'. If flies into all of their faces, leaving them covered.)

*Thaddeus Plotz: No, why- those- guy- things- do- AAGH! (continues chase)

*Warner Trio: (throws food, Thaddeus and Dr Scratchansniff duck)

*Black celebrity: Anybody got any cheese? (chesse flies into his mouth, his face stretches, and he pulls a thumbs up)?

*Man with hammer: (prepares to smash a watermelon, but a watermelon flies into his face)

*Thaddeus Plotz and Dr. Scratchansniff: (get pied and growl)

*Warner Trio: AAAH! (run up tower, jump onto hanging platform, and swing. Thaddeus Plotz and Dr. Scratchansniff join the chain.)

*All them: AAAAH! (fall to the ground, dust storm)

*Thaddeus Plotz: Ruin my studio, will you? You, you! You, whatever you are!

*Female translator: Mr. Kato would like to know who is responsible for 'zis.

*Thaddeus Plotz: It was them. I had nothing to do with it. Don't look at me, they're the ones, they're responsible.

*Female translator: Warner Brothers (Japanese)

*Mr. Kato: Great party.

*Mustache investor: Great-o party

*Both: Great-o party. Great-o party! (laugh)

*Thaddeus Plotz: Great party? Oh, oh, yeah, yes, uh, ah great party. (laugh)

*Mr. Kato: We love the Warner Brothers, and here you go.

*Female translator: Mr. Kato presents to check for 1 billion dollars

*Mr. Kato: You are a-ok, pardner!

*(Madonna?): Come on you guys, we're going to play truth or dare.

*Thaddeus Plotz: AARGH!

*Yakko: Well doc, there's a lesson to be learned in all of this.

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Ja? What's that?

*Yakko: I have no idea, but apparently it's worth a billion dollars.

*Thaddeus Plotz: That's my check. Give me that! (chase) Give me that, that's mine! Hey, come back here, you dummy, that's MY CHECK! AAAAHHHH!

*Dr. Scratchansniff: (signals kooky in the head with his finger)

End[]

(animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Warner Trio: Goodbye, nurse!

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