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Randy Beaman[]

*Colin: One time Randy Beaman woke up at night and he saw Dracula, but he thought it wasn’t Dracula just some clothes hanging up, then he turned on the light and it really was Dracula. Kay bye.

Theme Song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-,

Totally insane-y...

*Yakko:

Andromeda Strainy

*Warners:

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Good Idea Bad Idea[]

*Narrator: It’s time for another good idea, bad idea. Good idea, going trick or treating on Halloween.

(Mr. Skullhead and two children trick or treat and get candy.)

*Narrator: Bad idea, going trick or treating in Saint Patrick’s Day.

(Mr. Skullhead gets punched in the face.)

*Narrator: The end.

Slappy the Squirrel Intro[]

*Warners:

The crankiest of creatures in the whole wide world,

Our next cartoon features Slappy the Squirrel!

*Slappy: Enough with the singin’ already!

*Warners: That’s Slappy!

Scare Happy Slappy[]

(Kids trick or treat in a dark neighborhood with a full moon. The Warners approach, all dressed in costume.)

*Warners: (singing)

It's Halloween

And we're on the scene

Gonna fill up on candy

'Til we turn green

On Halloween

Who needs protein?

It's Halloween!

*Slappy: It’s Halloween! We got it, no need to bludgeon us with it. Now get out of here, Skippy and I got a cartoon to do!

(The Warners leave, Skippy is dressed as Buster Bunny and has springs on his feet.)

*Slappy: Eh, I’m too old for this. Let’s go home, Skippy.

*Skippy: Oh, no, please, Aunt Slappy, just one more street.

*Slappy: Oh, for pete’s sake, you already got more chocolate than Switzerland.

*Skippy: (puppy eyes) Par-etty puh-lease?

*Slappy: Oh, alright, but don’t do that big eye thing, it scares me! Makes you look like an owl.

*Skippy: Right.

*Slappy: Alright, let’s try… that street.

(Slappy points her umbrella down Villain Lane. There’s only a few houses, a cemetery next to it, and it is darker than the other streets. Lightning strikes behind a house at the end of the street.)

*Skippy: But all your old enemies live on that street! They don’t want to give us treats, they’ll want to annihilate us!

*Slappy: Sounds like a standard cartoon plot to me. Let’s give it a roll!

(Slappy grabs Skippy by the arm and starts walking towards that street. Walter Wolf, Sid the Squid, and Beanie the Brain-Dead Bison are all on a phone call.)

*Walter: Alright, boys, this is our big chance to finally clobber Slappy Squirrel!

*Sid: Yeah, I still owe her for what she did to me in Pocket Full of Squid, 1941, directed by Laurie Kipton. I never liked Laurie.

*Beanie: Duh, what we doing again?

(Walter and Sid glare at him.)

*Walter: Listen, Beanie, you tundra-brain, when Slappy knocks on your door, make with the nasty tricks! Ooh, this’ll be a Halloween she’ll never forget!

(The three laugh, but the laughing gradually turns into coughing and wheezing. Slappy and Skippy go up to the first house.)

*Slappy: This is gonna be more fun than seniors night on American Gladiators.

(The doorbell rings, Beanie is shown inside, looking through the blinds.)

*Slappy: Hello, anybody home?

*Beanie: Duh, Slappy Squirrel! Have I got a trick for her! One I thought of myself!

(Beanie grabs a bag of candy corn and a mallet. He hides both behind his back.)

*Beanie: Duh, pick a hand, Slappy. (laughs) You’re a smarty every day, Beanie. Yes I am.

(Beanie opens the door.)

*Skippy: Trick or treat!

*Beanie: Duhh-

*Slappy: We’ll, if it ain’t my old pal Beanie, the cerebrally challenged bison. (holds out hands) Pick a hand. (puts hands behind back)

*Beanie: Duh, left.

(Slappy pulls a mallet out of her left hand and hits Beanie on the head. All his teeth fall onto his tongue.)

*Skippy: Pick another hand.

*Beanie: (still dazed) Duh, right.

(Skippy hits Beanie on the head with a mallet too. He opens his mouth, and new teeth come in.)

*Beanie: (even more dazed) Duhhh, now you pick a hand.

*Skippy/Slappy: Left.

(Beanie takes out a mallet, and hits himself on the head with it. Slappy grabs the mallet from his hand and tosses it away. She uses her cane to peel a flat Beanie off the ground.)

*Slappy: What, no treat?

(Beanie holds out the bag of candy corn.)

*Slappy: Ooh, candy corn. (grabs bag)

*Skippy: Spewww!

(Slappy drops the candy corn into his bag.)

*Slappy: Hey, they’re better than the corns on my feet!

*Skippy: Spew and a half!

*Slappy: Yeah, I’ll tell ya, Skippy, that Beanie has the IQ of a Baloney sandwich.

(Skippy and Slappy are seen walking away from Beanie’s house, silhouetted. Sid looks through his window at them.)

*Sid: Beanie sure wet the sidewalk on that one.

(Sid puts dynamite inside of a carved pumpkin.)

*Sid: (laughs) This is really dynamite squash!

(Sid puts six dynamite pumpkins on the sidewalk, three on either side of his walkway. He then lights them all.)

*Sid: Slappy will never figure this out. I’m a genius. (laughing)

(Sid hides under a wheelbarrow as Skippy and Slappy approach the porch, which has a bowl of candy on it.)

*Slappy: Sizzling pumpkins. This, is truly pathetic. (walks up to porch)

*Skippy: (somewhat monotone) Careful, Aunt Slappy, it’s a trap. You’ll be blown to smithereens. (walks up to porch)

*Slappy: Where you gettin’ that cheesy dialogue, Skippy?

*Skippy: (holding up script) From the script.

*Slappy: Skippy, how many times I gotta tell ya, what are scripts for?

*Skippy: For lining the bottom of birdcages..

*Slappy: That’s right.

(Slappy grabs Tweety’s birdcage. She sticks it in the bottom of the cage.)

*Slappy: Enjoy.

(She pushes the birdcage away.)

*Slappy: Now, let’s get some treats.

(Sid peeks out from under the wheelbarrow for a moment. Skippy dumps all the candy in the bowl into his bag.)

*Sid: (covering ears) Walter Wolf’ll bust his trust once he finds out I blasted Slappy Squirrel.

(Sid hears a knock on the wheelbarrow. Slappy lifts it up)

*Slappy: Beanie wanted me to give you this.

(Slappy gives him the bag of candy corn with a lit stick of dynamite in it.)

*Sid: Ooh, candy corn.

(Sid opens the bag, but the dynamite explodes immediately. The wheelbarrow and Sid are blasted into the air. Sid lands on his porch, and the pumpkins bounce up, and each pumpkin lands on one of his tentacles. They all explode, leaving Sid charred.)

*Sid: Some aspirin would be nice..

(Sid disintegrates.)

*Slappy: You remind me of a bad accident at Benihana’s. Ha-ha!

(Walter Wolf’s house is shown, which has a dead tree with an owl in it, and bats circling the top.)

*Slappy: Look, Skippy, it’s the opening credits to Scooby Doo. Ah, just kiddin’, it’s the last house on the block.

*Skippy: That’s Walter Wolf’s house! He’s your biggerest enemy!

*Slappy: Walter’s only bitter on the outside. Inside he’s got creamy nougat.

(Slappy kicks on the door.)

*Slappy: Hey, Walter, trick or treat there!

(A slot in the door opens. Two eyes look out. The pupils go back and forth until one hits the other, and the pupil falls out of sight.)

*Slappy: I love a pointless eyeball gag, don’t you?

(The slot in the door closes, and the door opens. Slappy walks inside and Skippy follows. Inside is the setup of a Halloween party, with orange and black balloons and streamers, and a table with food on it.)

*Walter: Surprise! Happy Halloween!

*Slappy: (sarcastically) Look, Skippy, Walter’s thrown us a party.

*Skippy: (sarcastically) Yeah, I’m so sure.

*Slappy: Nice spread you got here, Walter. Is this all for us?

*Walter: Oh, of course, for you, my best pal, Slappy Squirrel. You know, I’ve got to run to the kitchen for some special walnut candies. Feel free to wander around and touch things while I’m gone.

*Slappy: Charming decorations. Walter went all out.

(The house is decorated with various dangers, such as an electric chair, a skeleton figure with a sharp axe, and a bob for apples tub, but all the apples have lighted fuses. Slappy sticks the end of her umbrella in the punch, and the tip come out small, blackened, and smoking.

*Slappy: At my age, this stuff would make a pretty good laxative.

(Skippy and Slappy look in the kitchen, where Walter is dripping nitro onto the walnut candies. He drops a few drops on the counter, breathing small explosions that leave little holes in the counter.)

*Walter: (laughs) That should do it. Slappy Squirrel’s gonna get such a kick from these! (laughs)

(Walter comes out of the kitchen.)

*Walter: My dear guests, help yourselves to some walnut candies!

*Slappy: I’d eat ‘em, but I can’t. I hear they’re mucus-forming.

*Walter: Ooh, you poor dear. (sets candies on table) Maybe you should have a sit-down.

(Walter puts his arm around Slappy’s shoulders, and leads her to an electric chair.)

*Walter: Right this way. Here, sit and be comfy. (motions to chair)

*Slappy: After you.

*Walter: Nah, I insist, after you.

*Slappy: Very well, you go first.

(Walter sits down.)

*Walter: Ahh…

(Walter is electrocuted he jumps out of the chair, and lands in the bob for apples tub. He sticks his head out, holding a lit apple in his mouth. It explodes. Walter walks over to Slappy, then splits into two pieces, which fall to the side.)

*Slappy: Well, who knew? Walter Wolf has a split personality. (laughs)

(Skippy dumps a large bowl of candy into his bag.)

*Slappy: Got it all?

*Skippy: Yup!

*Slappy: Thanks, Walter.

(Skippy and Slappy walk past Walter, who is sewing between his legs to repair his overalls.j

*Slappy: I’d be careful where I was sewin’ if I were you.

(Walter gets up, runs and grabs the walnut candies, then grabs one off the tray.)

*Walter: You (incomprehensible) squirrel! I haven’t finished with you!

*Slappy: Oh no? (pulls out Acme axle grease) That’s what you think.

(Walter looks down, and sees a puddle of grease by his feet. He starts slipping around.)

*Walter: Whoa-oh-whoa!

(Walter falls over backwards, throwing the walnut candies into the air. They are about to fall on him when the camera cuts to outside. Loud explosions can be heard from outside as the windows flash. Skippy and Slappy walk away from the house. The whole house explodes, sending Walter flying into the air. He falls down onto the sidewalk. Skippy grabs a trophy.)

*Skippy: Congratulations, Aunt Slappy, for completing your most explosive, and yet entirely pointless cartoon of the season.

(He hands Slappy the trophy.)

*Slappy: Now that’s family entertainment!

(Skippy and Slappy laugh.)

Randy Beaman[]

*Colin: Ok, so see, one time Randy Beaman’s mom’s best friend whose name is Linda, wanted to get a tan more than anything. So she went to a tanning salon and she stayed in too long and she boiled her guts. Kay bye.

Witch One[]

(A village in winter is shown. The trees are dead no show is on the ground. Text says Salem Massachusetts, 1692. A crow flies over a sign that says Witch-Hunt Fever, Catch It. The crow flies into the village, and into the door of a building, where it’s beak gets stuck. The sign on the building says Samuel Sewall, Witch Hunter and Notary. Samuel opens the door all the way, squishing the crow. He walks out and closes the door behind hm, and the crow caws sadly. Samuel grabs the crow and outs it on his shoulder.)

*Sam:

Good day, Sykes

Let's go hunt for witches

Dig them out

Of their secret niches

They could be cats or people

Which is up to me to say.

Good day!

Good day!

Good day!

*Baker:

The judge is happy when he hunts for a witch

*Wife:

He couldn't find one in a ditch

*Shepherd:

But if he thinks that you're a witch

*Baker:

He'll burn you up with pitch

*B/W/S:

A dangerous jerk, the judge.

*Sam: (spoken) Good morning, Witch!

*Witch Hazel: Err, me?

*Sam: No, you old wombat -- the shopkeeper!

(Witch Hazel walks away, whistling.)

*Shopkeeper: But, judge, you know me! I'm no witch!

*Sam: I know you're holding a broomstick, and only witches have broomsticks! Lougal, Taylor! Arrest him!

(Two men carry off the shopkeeper.)

*B/W/S:

So long, shopkeeper! Taking him was all wrong

We'll be accused before too long

*Baker:

Before the judge is done with that

*Shepherd:

He'll arrest a kitty cat

*Sam:

Cats are spirits of the Evil One

*B/W/S:

Salem's really not much fun

We got troubles by the ton

From the judge!

(Rita and Runt walk towards Salem. A sign pointing to where they came from says Plymouth Rock.)

*Runt: Those were nice pilgrims, d-d-definitely nice.

*Rita: Yeah, well, we’d still be there if you hadn’t chased away their turkeys.

*Runt: I forgot, definitely forgot why I did that.

(Sam chases an orange cat with a net.)

*Sam: Come back here you evil feline!

*Rita: First item on the agenda is to find some food!

*Runt: That’s a good idea.

*Rita: You check the side streets, I’ll try the main drag.

*Runt: Side streets. Got it.

(Runt sniffs the ground while Rita walks off.)

*Rita: (singing)

Who can hunt like a cat?

Not a dog or a bat

Who can stalk a big bird

Or a rat like a cat?

Other creatures, they're half as cunning

Slick as a greased-up snake

Go and watch any wolf or coyote

They can't find fish knee-deep in a lake.

*Sam:

Who hunts cats like the judge?

Witches' spawn, like the judge?

Those tools of the devil

Kitty cats, like the judge?

*Rita:

Who hunts like a cat?

*Sam:

I hunt down all cats!

*Rita:

We're keen so that's that

*Judge:

I hate them like rats!

*Rita:

There's nothing quite like...

*R/S:

...a cat!

(Rita stands still, looking up at Sam. The orange cat grabs the fish from her hand.)

*Cat: Sorry, I’ve got to eat and run. (runs away)

*Rita: Hey!

(Sam catches Rita in a net.)

*Sam: Gotcha! You filthy witch!

(Rita yowls.)

*Runt: Uh-oh, Rita’s in trouble, definitely in trouble!

(Runt runs towards Sam, barking.j

*Sam: Attend to that dog, would you please, Sykes?

(Sykes flies towards Runt, cawing. Sykes grabs a horseshoe from a blacksmith, and rips it on Runt’s head. Runt blinks, groans, and falls over.)

*Sam: Splendid marksmanship. I guess we might say.. doggone. (rimshot, laughs)

(Later, Runt is in a pillory. A horse is eating food, tied to a fence near him.)

*Horse: How’s it goin’, Wilbur?

*Runt: The name’s Runt. Definitely Runt.

(Multiple people are seen walking in a small crowd.)

*Runt: So, where’s everyone goin’? Must be a party. I-I’ll bet there’s a party, definitely a party.

*Horse: You don’t get around, much, do you Wilbur? The humans are going to dunk your little friend into the river.

*Runt: Oh, boy, why would they do that?

*Horse: Beats me. If they aren’t dunkin’ horses, I don’t care.

(Runt struggles.)

*Runt: Gotta help Rita!

*Horse: Look out, now, Wilbur.

(The horse kicks the pillory, shattering it.)

*Runt: Thanks horse. Good horse. Gotta save Rita!

(Runt runs after Rita.)

*Horse: Anyone asks how you got free, tell ‘em a cow did it.

(People are gathered on a dock by a river.)

*Sam: Attention, please! Your attention, please! (clears throat) Thank you.

(Sam is holding Rita, who is in a small cage. There is a pole on the dock that is presumable used to lower the cages into the river.)

*Sam: Through scientific investigation and reasoning, we will determine if this cat is a witch. (ties cage to pole) It will be dunked underwater for a real long time. If the cat survives the dunking, then it is a witch, and we will have to burn it at the stake. (to Rita) Nothing personal, it’s just what we do here. (to crowd) If the cat drowns, then it wasn’t a really witch, and a sincere apology will be written at once. Let’s proceed, shall we?

(A guard lifts the pole, and Rita gasps.)

*Rita: I sense this is (incomprehensible).

(The guard rotates the pole over the river. The guard lowers the pole, lowering Rita towards the water. Runt approaches.)

*Runt: Oh, boy, Rita really hates water.

(Runt runs towards the man operating the pole and kicks him out of the way. Runt pulls on the pole to stop Rita from going in the water.)

*Sam: See to that mutt, would you, Mr. Sykes?

(Sykes leaves Sam’s shoulder, but Runt swings Rita away from the water and hits Sam, who falls in. Another guard comes up to the pole, and him and Runt wrestle the pole. Sam sticks his head out of the water and pulls a fish out of his mouth. Rita’s cage hits him on the head, pushing him back underwater.)

*Rita: That gave me a really warm feeling!

(The bottom of Rita’s cage goes into the water.)

*Rita: Hey!

(The guard and Runt continue to struggle, and the guard kicks Runt away. Runt bites him in the butt, so the guard yelps and runs. Runt grabs the pole, but Sykes flies down from a tree. He tries to dive-bomb Runt, but Runt swings the pole away from the water at the right time so that Sykes is hit away. The bird lands, stunned, in front of the orange cat from earlier. Sykes sits up, but the orange cat smiles at him. Sykes laughs nervously, and the cat pounces on him. Runt rotates Rita’s cage into a tree, which breaks the cage, freeing Rita. Runt runs up to her.)

*Rita: Thanks, Runt!

*Runt: You’re welcome! What’d I do?

(Rita looks at the camera then walks away. Runt follows. Sam is seen frozen in a block of ice in the water.)

*Sam: Get me out of here! I’m chilly!

(The townspeople are then seen with giant metal tongs, getting Sam out of the water. They drag him onto shore.)

*Man: Only a witch could survive in the water like that.

*Baker: A witch!

*Wife: Yes, a witch!

*Shepard: We’ll have to spank him soundly! It’s in the town charter.

(The townspeople carry Sam, still frozen in the block of ice.)

*Sam: I’m not a witch! You’re making a terrible mistake! One that I’ll regret..

(Rita and Runt are shown leaving town.)

*Rita: (singing)

So long, Salem, Mass.

Time to say bye-bye

I almost got drowned

Chased right out of town

Boy, did my fur fly.

Boston, here we come

Home of beans and tea

Maybe they need pets

Don't take any bets

Still, there's you and me.

*Runt: (spoken) That sure was pretty, Rita. I hope we don't get sued.

Randy Beaman[]

*Colin: Ok this is scary. See, one time Randy Beaman was asleep and he heard a scratch-scratch-scratch on the window, and he woke up and nothing was there, so the next night he heard a scratch-scratch-scratch on the floor, and he woke up and there was nothing there, and so the next night he heard scratch-scratch-scratch on his bed, and he woke up and you know what it was? His mom’s Lee-Press-On nails had come alive and they were after Randy Beaman!!! AAAAAAAHH!! Kay bye.

MacBeth[]

(Outside a cave, it’s raining. There is a light coming from inside the cave. the three girls the narrator mentions are at a cauldron.)

*Narrator: And now, Dot Warner, Slappy Squirrel, and Hello Nurse, in the famous witches scene from William Shakespeare’s MacBeth, interpreted by Yakko for those viewers who like Dot, Slappy, and Hello Nurse, have no idea what they’re saying.

*Women: Double, double, toil and trouble. Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

*Yakko: Loosely translated, that means ‘abracadabra’.

*Dot: Fillet of a fenny snake, in the cauldron boil and bake.

*Yakko: Let’s cook a snake! Start with my agent.

(Wakko comes up to the cauldron and puts in an agent.)

*Dot: Eye of Newt and toe of frog, wool of bat and tongue of dog.

(Newt, a frog in a top hat, Batman, and Buttons are all put into the cauldron by Wakko as Dot says them.)

*Yakko: Sounds like camp food to me.

*Dot: For a charm of powerful trouble, like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

*Yakko: (yawns boredly) Stir until bored, serves 12. Unless you’re Rush Limbaugh, then it’s an appetizer.

*Women: Double, double, toil and trouble. Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

*Yakko: Bippity boppity boo. Here’s another fun recipe.

*Slappy: Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf, witches’ mummy, maw, and gulf.

(Wakko puts in a dragon and Walter Wolf.)

*Yakko: Those are the ingredients of a hot dog.

*Slappy: Of the ravin'd salt-sea shark,

(Wakko puts a shark into the cauldron.)

*Slappy: Root of hemlock,

(Wakko has on a cheerleading outfit and pom-poms, which he waves around. Yakko also has a shirt with the letter H on it and a small flag.)

*Yakko: Goooo hemlock!

*Slappy: Digg'd i' the dark.

*Yakko: (singing) Digg'd i' the dark, baby, can’t you dig it.

(Wakko throws his pom-poms into the cauldron and runs off.)

*Women: Double, double, toil and trouble. Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

*Yakko: Hocus-pocus. When do we eat?

(Fire shoots out of the cauldron, all the witches jump backwards and Yakko leans away and covers his face. Yakko jumps down from the little circle he was narrating from and joins the witches.)

*Yakko: Hey, what’d we come up with? Hash?

*Dot: Corndogs?

(Wakko joins the witches and Yakko.)

*Slappy: Fondue?

(All five look in the cauldron. All gasp in horror.)

*Dot: By the pricking of my thumbs, something scary this way comes. (points in cauldron)

(Flames erupt from the cauldron. Mr. Director is standing on the cauldron when the fire goes away. Mr. Director dances.)

*Mr. Director: (singing out of key) Oh LAYdee! I know a LAYdee with high heeled shoes,

(Yakko and Wakko cover their ears.)

*Mr. Director: And socks of panty hose, oh pretty LAYdee!

(Dot smashes Mr. Director with a mallet. Slappy throws a stick of dynamite in the cauldron, Dot throws in a bomb, Yakko puts the lid on the cauldron, Wakko chains the cauldron up, and Slappy locks the chain. All five run away from the cauldron, which flies upwards with flames coming out of the bottom. It crashes through the ceiling of the cave.)

*Yakko: Uhhhh, (puts his arms around Wakko and Dot’s shoulders) let’s go out for pizza.

Ending[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Warners: AHHHHH!! THERE’S A HORRIBLE BUG ON YOUR SHOULDER! AAHHHHHH! Just kidding (laughs)

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