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Randy Beaman[]

*Colin: OK, see, one time, in the cafeteria, Randy Beaman was eating a baloney sandwich, then Jason made this gross noise (blows raspberry) and Randy Beaman laughed so hard baloney came out his nose! Really! Kay bye.

Newsreel of the Stars[]

*Narrator: "Newsreel of the Stars," dateline Hollywood 1930. The Warner Brothers studio. Here at the studio's new animation department, the artists toil endlessly to come up with cartoon stars. Ultimately creating three new characters: the Warner Brothers and their sister Dot.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Hello, nurse!

*Narrator: Unfortunately, the Warner kids went totally out of control, and sent the animators running through the hills.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Bye! Boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy!

*Narrator: The trio ran amok throughout the studio creating utter chaos... finally, they were captured.The Warners' films, which made absolutely no sense, were locked away in the studio vault, never to be released. As for the Warners themselves, who made even less sense, they were locked away in the studio water tower, also never to be released. Publicly, the studio has disavowed any knowledge of the Warners' existence to this very day...when the Warners escaped!

Theme Song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-,

Totally insane-y...

*Dot:

Shirley MacLainey

*Warners:

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Intermission[]

(A coin-operated horse and rocket are shown outside a mini-mart. The Warners hop into the rocket, and Wakko takes out a bag of quarters. He puts a few into the coin slot, and the rocket takes off. Ralph runs after them, but sees the coin-operated horse. He holds out a carrot on a stick.)

*Ralph: Giddyup!

(The horse takes off after the Warners, then catches up and goes next to them on the road. Ralph reaches out to the Warners, but they run into a wall. The Warners hop over, but Ralph hits the wall.)

Lookit the Fuzzy Heads[]

(The Psychiatry is shown.)

*Dr. Otto Scratchansniff: Today my little Warner friends, I don’t want to ask you any boring questions.

*Yakko: So can we go then?

*Otto: Wait, wait, wait, wouldn’t you like to hear my fun, new idea?

*Dot: I thought you said no bring questions!

*Otto: (laughs) Today, I want to try a little group session. Und so, I’ve invited one of my other patients to join us.

*Yakko: Who is it, one of those cute little Olson twins?

(Dot laughs.)

*Otto: No, but it is a fellow Warner Brothers employee.

(Hello Nurse comes in.)

*Hello Nurse: Your other patient is here, doctor.

*Otto: Very well, send her in. Now, she may be shy und bashful und unwilling to chitchat, so please be polite, okiedokies?

*Warners: Okiedokies.

(Elmyra comes in.)

*Elmyra: (singing) Oh where, oh where, has my little dog gone? There, there!

(The Warners get scared and cling to each other)

*Warners: ELMYRA!!

*Elmyra: Hiya, mister doctor man. Do you wanna look inside my little head?

*Otto: Well, yes, perhaps, but first, I want you to meet some other patients of mine.

*Elmyra: Oooooh! Lookit the cute fuzzy heads!

(Elmyra grabs Dot and stretches her mouth.)

*Elmyra: What are you?

(She grabs and stretches the brother’s heads too.)

*Elmyra: Puppies? Kitties? Big fuzzy buggies?

*Yakko and Wakko: We’re the Warner brothers.

*Dot: And the Warner sister.

(Elmyra grabs them all and hugs the Warners, crushing them, and shakes them around.)

*Elmyra: We’ll I’m the one-the hugger and kisser and squeezer-into itty bitty pieces!

*Yakko: (strained) Nice to meet ya.

*Otto: Okay, now, everyone, let’s settle down, and, let’s all have fun with.. Mister Puppet Head!

(Elmyra throws the Warners down, who are all dazed.)

*Elmyra: Ohhh! I love Mister Puppet Head!

*Otto: (with puppet) Hello everybody!

*Elmyra: Hello Mister Puppet Head! (laughs)

*Otto: (puppet) Is there something you kiddies would like to share with Mister Puppet Head?

(The Warners each take out their own puppets.)

*Yakko: (puppet) Ehh.. nope.

*Dot: (puppet) Not me.

*Wakko: (puppet) I’d like to share.

*Otto: (puppet) Good! What?

*Wakko: (puppet) This.

(Wakko’s puppet hits Otto’s puppet over the head with a small mallet.)

*Wakko: (gasps, wags finger) Naughty puppet!

*Otto: Yiyiyi! I mean, (puppet) Yiyiyi! (normal) All you alright, Mister Puppet Head? (puppet) No, I’ve got a woogie on my noggin.

*Elmyra: Oh, don’t worry, Mister Puppet Head, I’ll take care of you with a great big huggie-poo!

(Elmyra hugs the puppet, crushing Otto’s hand. She walks around the room holding the puppet, dragging Otto with her.)

*Elmyra: I’m gonna make you all better and love you and kiss you and be nursery-nurse for the sick little woogie noggin!

(Wakko and Dot cling to each other in horror, Yakko covers his mouth. Elmyra makes kissing noises.)

*Yakko: Oh, the humanity..

(Elmyra finally pulls the puppet off a dazed Otto’s hand, and he ends up in the chair.)

*Elmyra: There! All better!

(Elmyra holds the limp puppet in her hand. She pokes it gently.)

*Elmyra: (sadly) Mister Puppet Head? What happend?.. Nobody’s home..

*Dot: There’s an understatement.

*Otto: I know. Let’s engage in some parallel play with a little non-competitive gaming, ya?

*Warners: Say what?

*Elmyra: He means, let’s play hug the puppy heads!

(Elmyra runs at the Warners, who jump and try to run, but she hugs them all.)

*Elmyra: I’m gonna hug you and squeeze you and take you home (incomprehensible) ponies, and we’ll play rodeo cowgirl!

(The Warners all escape, and run to the head of the chaise lounge.)

*Yakko: I’ve got another idea. Let’s play what happened to the Warners?

*Otto and Elmyra: What happened to the…

(They look, the Warners are gone.)

*Otto and Elmyra: Warners?

(Otto makes a noise of frustration.)

*Elmyra: Don’t you worry mister doctor man wrinkle head, I’ll find ‘em!

(Elmyra goes outside.)

*Elmyra: (yelling) Ohhh Warners!!

(The Warners run up and lock themselves inside the water tower. Inside, they lock many locks to secure the door, then pull down metal bars in front of it. They lean against the bars, panting.)

*Wakko: That was a close one.

*Yakko: That was a weird one.

(Elmyra comes by on a small train.)

*Elmyra: All aboard! Woo-woo! (laughs)

(Elmyra hope off the train.)

*Elmyra: We’re gonna play Petticoat Junction!

(The Warners makes monkey noises and frantically unlock all the locks on the door.)

*Elmyra: (singing) Oh, I’m uncle Joe, and I’m moving kind of slow. Woo-woo!

(The Warners all jump out of the tower and parachute to the ground.)

*Elmyra: Come back! I got some taffy!

(Elmyra comes up to Ralph.)

*Elmyra: Excuse me, mister guard man face, have you seen the little Warner heads?

*Ralph: Uh, da Warner heads, uh, well I, uh, da Warners? (shrugs)

(Elmyra lifts up Ralph, revealing the Warners.)

*Elmyra: There you are!

*Yakko: Some hiding place.

*Wakko: It was warm.

(The Warners get up and run, Ralph falls on Elmyra.)

*Elmyra: Come back!

(The Warners run to a theater.)

*Elmyra: Here I come to love you to pieces!

(Yakko signals three tickets to the ticket lady, who gives the Warners the tickets. They run into the theater, and sit down. Jurassic Park is playing. A dinosaur chases two people in a car, but Elmyra comes out of the back seat.)

*Elmyra: Have you seen three cute fuzzy heads?

(Elmyra falls out of the car and dusts herself off. The t-rex bends down and growls at her,)

*Elmyra: Well, look at the big dino head! You’re cute.

(Elmyra grabs the dinosaur by its nose and flips it around.)

*Elmyra: I’m gonna bang you and patter you and teach you how to go on the paper!

(Elmyra pulls the head off of the dino, revealing wires.)

*Elmyra: Oops.

(The Warners all gasp in horror in the audience, and Elmyra sees them.)

*Elmyra: There you are!

(The Warners run out the door, Elmyra runs after them. Yakko stops his siblings.)

*Yakko: Wait! We’ve got to fight fire with fire.

(The Warners all huddle together and whisper. Elmyra comes out the door and runs after them.)

*Yakko: Follow me.

*Elmyra: Oh Warners! Wait for me!

(The Warners hide behind a tree.)

*Yakko: Voilà, the answer to our prayers!

(The Warners approach Buttons and Mindy’s yard. Mindy is digging in the yard with a small shovel. Elmyra runs up the sidewalk towards the Warners.)

*Elmyra: Oh Warner-adle-adle-loo!

(Wakko takes out a small wind-up dog. The Warners run up to the gate of the yard, which Yakko opens. Wakko winds up the toy and sends it into the yard, then the Warners run away. The toy’s barking catches Mindy’s attention.)

*Mindy: Puppy-toy.

(Mindy giggles and gets out of her harness. Mindy grabs the toy, shakes it, and sets it back down. Both Mindy and the toy walk out of the yard, and Buttons whines, and is about to go after her, but Yakko puts a hand on his shoulder.)

*Yakko: Relax, pal, it’s taken care of.

(The Warners and Buttons turn to watch.)

*Elmyra: Where are you Warner-a-licious? I’m gonna fold you and spindle you and-

(Elmyra sees Mindy walk out of the yard.)

*Elmyra: Look at that cute little girl head!

(Elmyra runs after her. The two girls end up in the Acme anvil factory.)

*Elmyra: Wait for me little girly-girl! LOOK OUT GIRLY HEAD!

(An anvil clangs. Mindy and the toy dog walk out, unharmed. Elmyra stumbles out with an anvil on her head.)

*Elmyra: (dazed) Heyy, come back here you little missy head.

(The anvil slides off Elmyra’s head, and her head comes back. Elmyra runs after Mindy, but a gate opens in Elmyra’s face. A tree branch falls on her as well. Elmyra walks to a building.)

*Man: All clear!

(The building explodes and collapses. Buttons looks concerned for a second, but then applauds.)

*Dot: I love a happy ending.

*Yakko: Sometimes, I just love when it ends.

Dot’s Poetry Corner[]

*Narrator: And now, Dot’s Poetry Corner.

*Dot: (clears throat) Old King Cole. Old King Cole was a merry old soul, and a merry old soul was he. He called for his pipe and he called for his bowl, and he called information for numbers he could have easily looked up in the phone book.

*Narrator: This has been another visit to Dot’s Poetry Corner.

Slappy the Squirrel Intro[]

*Warners:

The crankiest of creatures in the whole wide world,

Our next cartoon features Slappy the Squirrel!

*Slappy: Enough with the singin’ already!

*Warners: That’s Slappy!

No Face Like Home[]

(A golfer hits a golf ball. It breaks through the window of Beverly Hills Plastic Surgery Clinic and Country Club. Skippy walks up the sidewalk holding a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates. He goes up to the reception desk.)

*Skippy: Excuse me!

*Lady: Are you here for plastic surgery, or golf? There’s a wait on golf.

*Skippy: Wow! Your skin’s so tight you could bounce quarters off it!

*Lady: I’m pretty! Now what do you want?

*Skippy: I was wondering what room my Aunt Slappy was in.

(A doctor runs screaming from down the hallway.)

*Skippy: Nevermind.

(Skippy enters Slappy’s room.)

*Skippy: Hi Aunt Slappy. Resting quietly?

*Slappy: Ah, Skippy, they don’t make quarterlies like they used to.

(Slappy lifts the blankets off the side of the bed, revealing a doctor under the bed.)

*Slappy: Come out from under there, you sweetie.

(The doctor runs screaming from the room.)

*Skippy: Why are you doing this?

*Slappy: Hey, I can’t help it, I’m attracted to men in uniform.

*Skippy: No, I mean why are you having plastic surgery?

*Slappy: To get ready for my big car too comeback! The business needs me, they’re in trouble. Just watch this.

(Slappy turns on the TV. A robin with a bow walks, and sees a wolverine with a chainsaw.)

*Wolverine: Haha, I love chopping down birch and timber.

(He cuts down the tree, the robin runs.)

*Robin: Teehee, hey, Wolverine Lou, hurting trees is wrong, teehee.

*Lou: Gosh, Robin Robin, no one ever told me. I will stop now, and go help someone in need. (runs away)

(Slappy throws a bomb at the TV, which explodes.)

*Slappy: No gags, no bulldozers, no dynamite, what a rotten cartoon.

*Skippy: What’s that got to do with plastic surgery?

*Slappy: Nowadays, nobody hires you unless you’re good-lookin’. (takes out magazine with Minerva Mink on it) I gotta compete with these young yutzes. Does that hammer the plot home for ya? I’m gonna have a total facelift, a tummy tick, and my tail liposuctioned. I’ll be back on top again in no time.

*Skippy: But you look fine now, Aunt Slappy, see?

(Skippy holds up a mirror, which shatters.)

*Slappy: Thanks for the boost.

(Hello Nurse comes in with a moveable bed.)

*Slappy: These bedpans are so cold my tail has frostbite!

*Hello Nurse: Sorry, Miss Squirrel. Dr. Roma has finished powering the (incomprehensible). He’s ready for you now.

*Slappy: ‘Bout time. I’m gonna transform into a butterfly. Or Wilford Brimley, whichever comes out of a cocoon.

(Hello Nurse wheels Slappy into the plastic surgery room, where there are many machines. A doctor comes in with a golf club.)

*Doctor: Take this to my locker. Then call all the clubhouse and reserve me a tee-off time for one p.m.

(The doctor looks at Slappy.)

*Doctor: Make that.. four p.m.

*Slappy: Hey, Arnold, nice of you to squeeze in time to operate.

(Skippy dots in the lobby, reading a magazine and humming the theme to Animaniacs. Walter Wolf comes around the corner, and Hello Nurse leaves.)

*Walter: When I’m done with Slappy Squirrel, her face will make a hedgehog’s rump look pretty!

(Walter goes into the operating room.)

*Doctor: Alright, Miss Squirrel, just relax and watch the monitor. I’m going to show you scenes from Alan Alda movies. You’ll be out in no time.

*Slappy: Couldn’t you just hit me on the head with a hammer.

*Doctor: (laughs) Now, now, you just watch Mister Alda while I go wash up.

(Slappy looks at the screen.)

*Alda: I mean, what do we really know about people? About men? Women? Being in a relationship is like, walking the tightrope of life.

(Slappy falls asleep and snores. The doctor washes his hands, but Walter Wolf pulls a lever and an anvil drops on the doctor’s head, and he falls over backwards. Walter Wolf approaches in a doctor’s outfit.)

*Walter: Finally, the chance to mangle my old foe Slappy Squirrel once and for all!

(Walter inspects himself in the mirror.)

*Walter: (laughs) I mustn’t forget to wash up. (takes out a box) With Acme Sudsing Germs!

(Walter washes his hands with the germs, then grabs some and rubs himself under the arms. He laughs.)

*Walter: The doctor will see you now, Slappy Squirrel.

(Walter comes up tp her, and takes out a bag. He leans Slappy’s table so that it’s almost vertical.)

*Walter: First, I’ll mush your face in like this, then I’ll puff up your cheeks and scrunch your nose, then I’ll stretch your chin like Jay Leno! You’ll never make another cartoon again! (laughs)

*Slappy: Is this sad or what?

*Walter: Now, let us begin.

(Walter takes a mallet out of his bag, and Slappy slides off the table. Walter hits the empty table, which rings. He stumbles around, but then Slappy trips him, and he flies against the window. He pulls his head out of the drain, then growls. He grabs Slappy, puts her on the table, then makes the table horizontal again. He tries to grab her, but her legs stick up. He forces them back down, and her arms stuck up. He puts her arms down, and her legs go back up.)

*Slappy: Jerry Lewis, eat your heart out.

(Walter forces Slappy’s legs back down, but her arms come up and punch Walter, and he goes flying. His head goes in the light, and he gets electrocuted. He falls back down and hits his head on the table. A golf ball bounces down the hallway, and two men in a golf cart pull up. One gets out and gets next to the golf ball.)

*Golfer: Fore!

(He hits the golf ball, and gets back into the golf cart and drives away.)

*Walter: That’s it! No more mister nice wolf.

(Walter takes a saw out of his bag.)

*Walter: Perfect.

(Walter looks back, and Slappy is holding two defibrillators.)

*Walter: Gove me those!

(Walter reaches for them, but Slappy closes them on his hand, electrocuting him.)

*Slappy: What you can get away with in cartoons these days is shocking.

(Walter stands up, dazed.)

*Golfer: Fore!

(Walter is hit in the face by a golf ball, and falls down. The two golfers look in the window.)

*Golfer: There’s my ball.

(The ball is seen on Walter’s nose.)

*Golfer: I’ll play it from here. I don’t want to lose a stroke.

(The swing of the golf club can be heard, then a scream. Slappy cringes and sits up.)

*Slappy: What? Who? Where? What happened? As if I cared.

*Golfer 2: Good shot.

(The golfer who hit the ball walks back to the window with a bent club, indicating he hit Walter on the nose. Walter is then seen holding his nose, and Slappy walks up to him.)

*Slappy: Why, Walter, what’re you doin’ here?

(Walter’s nose is large and pulsing.)

*Walter: Ohhhh! Owwww!

*Slappy: Ooh, looks like you could use a little plastic surgery of your own.

(Slappy pushes Walter into an operating room.)

*Slappy: Your next patient, boys!

(Slappy takes out a wallet, then takes a picture out of it.)

*Slappy: Here’s the picture to work from. It came with the wallet.

(Skippy and Slappy leave the building.)

*Skippy: So you’re skipping your plastic surgery, Aunt Slappy?

*Slappy: Eh, I’ll keep my wrinkles. I earned every one of ‘em.

*Skippy: But what about your comeback?

*Slappy: Forget it. If I have to change my appearance, it’s not worth doing. Skippy, I’ve learned that looks aren’t everything. It’s the beauty in your heart that’s really important.

*Skippy: Gee, Aunt Slappy, you sound like a back-to-school special.

*Slappy: You’re right, I take it all back.

(Walter runs by.)

*Walter: My face! I’m ruined!

(Walter moves his hands, showing a feminine, human-like face.)

*Walter: What will the other villains say?

(Walter runs off.)

*Slappy: Now that’s, entertainment.

Dot’s Poetry Corner[]

*Narrator: And now, Dot’s Poetry Corner.

*Dot: (clears throat) Ode to a veggie. Beans, beans, the musical fruit. The more you eat the more they kick you off the air if you finish this poem. Thank you.

*Narrator: This has been another visit to Dot’s Poetry Corner.

Randy Beaman[]

*Colin: One time, okay see, one time, Randy Beaman’s family had this party with food and stuff, and they had, like, this bean dip for the chips, and everybody ate it and said it was really good, only it wasn’t bean dip it was a mistake and it was really dog food. Kay bye.

Wheel of Morality[]

(Warners run)

*Yakko: Whoa, Wakko, Dot, hold up.

(All stop)

*Dot: Why?

*Yakko: It's that time again.

*Dot: Oh, no. Not the Wheel of Morality.

*Yakko: Afraid so. It's time to learn the moral of today's story.

*Wakko and Dot: (throws arms and legs around) No! No!

*Yakko: Hey, come on. The Wheel of Morality adds boring educational value to what would otherwise be an almost entirely entertaining program.

*Dot: But the morals make no sense.

*Wakko: It's totally bogus.

*Dot: Who came up with this stupid Wheel of Morality idea, anyway?

*Yakko: The execs at the Fox Kids Network.

*Dot: Oh. Ha-ha, they did? What a great idea.

*Wakko: Yeah, I love the Wheel of Morality Mmm-mwah! (Kisses wheel of morality)

*Yakko: So... Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn, tell us the lesson that we should learn. And the moral of today's show is... lather, rinse, repeat.

*Dot: This is a moral?

*Yakko: Hey, it’s the best we could do on such short notice.

(Whistle blows)

*Warners: Yikes!!

(Warners run away, Ralph chases.)

Ending[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Skippy: Spew!

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