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The Warners’ 65th Anniversary Special[]

(Charlton Woodchucks and a fish sit on a couch in front of a TV.)

*Charlton: My father, the tuna, won’t be seen tonight. We’ll be back next week. Now let’s watch the following special presentation.

(An Animaniacs Special Presentation.)

*Announcer: Live, from the Dorothy Chandelier Pavilion, it’s the Warner brothers and their sister Dot’s 65th anniversary special. Ladies and gentlemen, miss Viza Vizzelli!

(Viza walks down the stage with spotlights on her.)

*Viza: (singing)

For 65 years we've laughed at their mayhem

Here are the words we use to explain them:

(Singers join Viza on stage. The Warners and Dr. Otto Scratchansniff are shown at their table.)

*Yakko: (spoken) Uh-oh. I was afraid of this.

*Singers:

Silly, bizarre, loony, mad, and kooky

Crazy, wigged out, giddy, bad, and goofy

Yakko, Wakko and Dot

They're hip; they're cool; they're hot.

(The Warners all throw up in bags.)

They're Warners

Fabulous Warners

Wonderful Warners

Look out; the Warners are back!

(Four of the singers pick up Viza, then drop her. The Warners look around.)

*Yakko: These people will clap at anything.

(Wakko gets an idea then climbs on the table.)

*Wakko: Hey, everybody! Wanna hear me play Yankee Doodle with my armpits?

(Silence, but crickets can be heard.)

*Yakko: Uhhhhh, almost anything.

*Singers: (singing)

Yes, the Warners are back

They're really the most

Now here he is

Our fabulous host!

(A man walks down the stage with two women at his sides. Viza and the singers leave the stage, then the two women.)

*Host: Hey, how about that dance number, huh? Wasn’t that somethin’? That was wild.

(The crowd laughs, but the Warners shake their heads.)

*Host: Hey, we’re here to pay tribute to the Warners on their 65th anniversary. I tell ya, don’t they look great?

(In front of the host, a woman can be seen holding a card with the words he is supposed to say.)

*Host: 65 years, yeah, these kids make Dick Clark look like Abe Lincoln.

(Rimshot, the crowd laughs, except the Warners. Dot is doing her makeup and Wakko takes a bit out of the table.)

*Yakko: Was that a joke? Am I missing something?

(Dot does puppy eyes at Dr. Scratchansniff.)

*Dot: Can we go now?

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Why would you want to go? This tribute is one of the entertainment industry’s greatest gifts!

*Yakko: Can we return it and get a Chia Pet instead?

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Shh!

*Host: Yakko, Wakko, and Dot’s story began way back in 1929. Yeah, at Warner Brothers animation. It was here that the Warners discovered by their, uh, their, uh, could you have the cue card gal come a little closer? It was here that the Warners were discovered by their first director, Weed Memlo.

*Weed: I look back on my days with Yakko, Wakko, and Dot as the most miserable time of my life.

*Dot: That’s our Weed!

*Weed: I was directing Outback Buddy. Buddy was a cartoon character with big eyes. Big, huge, gigantic, enormous, round eyes. Anyway, the cartoon was almost finished, so I asked Lon Borax, the animator, to show it to me.

(The cartoon plays. A humanoid cartoon character walks, playing a guitar.)

*Buddy: (singing)

I'm a-frolickin' in the outback

Just as chipper as I can be

Got no cares and got no worries

I'm happy Outback Buddy!

*Lon: Well, what do you think?

*Weed: Congratulations, Borax, you’ve discovered a cure for insomnia. That’s the most boring cartoon I’ve ever seen. Do you realize we have to show this cartoon to the front office tomorrow?

*Lon: It’s not that bad..

*Weed: No! It’s worse! Fix it! Add more characters! Poof it up! Stay up all night if you have to! I want funny! If you need me, I’ll be at the smokehouse.

(Weed leaves.)

*Lon: I worked all night on that cartoon. I was exhausted, and then, and then I remember it was exactly 2:43 a.m., on the morning of February 30th. I-I started drawing these weird characters! (laughs manically, falls to the ground screaming, runs through the door, leaving a hole in it.)

*Weed: The next day, we were supposed to show the cartoon tp the studio brass. But I couldn’t find Lon around anywhere. Later I found out he went all.. funny in the head. But I hear he’s getting better.

(Lon is shown in the home for retired animators who went nuts.)

*Lon: We’re having soup today!

*Weed: Anyway, I grabbed the finished cartoon and showed it to the big guy.

(The same cartoon from before is shown, with buddy playing a guitar.)

*Buddy: (singing)

I'm a-frolickin' in the outback

Just as chipper as I can be

Got no cares and got no worries

(The Warners are all seen behind Buddy, each with a mallet behind their back. They shush the audience, then hit Buddy with their mallets, flattening him.)

*Warners: (singing)

We smashed Outback Buddy!

(Thaddeus Plotz and Weed are seen watching the cartoon.)

*Plotz: Well, it was unusual. It wasn’t the typical Buddy cartoon. Frankly, it was weird. But I told Weed Memlo to put the Warners in another Buddy cartoon.

(Another Buddy cartoon is shown, called Postman Buddy. He walked from mailbox to mailbox, whistling, and putting a letter in every box. When he pens one mailbox, the Warners come out and hit him multiple times with their mallets.)

*Warners: (singing)

We smashed Postman Buddy!

*Buddy: Working with the Warners was a true joy! I loved it! (laughs)

*Plotz: We made a series of Buddy/Warner cartoons. There was Gardening Buddy..

(Buddy cuts a flower off of a bush, and sniffs it. The Warners come out and hit him with their mallets.j

*Plotz: Baker Buddy..

(Buddy takes a pastry out of the oven. The Warners pop out of it and mallet him.)

*Plotz: And, of course, Busdriver Buddy.

(Buddy opens the bus door, the Warners come in and mallet him.)

*Buddy: Oh, those were the happiest days of my life! (laughs)

*Plotz: I didn’t think we needed Buddy anymore. It was hard, but I had to fire him. The Warners fought for him though. They liked hitting him with their mallets. But still, it was time for him to go.

*Buddy: I’m not a nut farmer in Ojai! I’m very happy! (laughs)

*Plotz: I decided to give the Warners their very own series of cartoons. That was the biggest mistake of my life.

*Host: Hey, wanna I tell ya, listen, we’ll find out what happened to those crazy kids right after this break. Don’t go away, huh?

*Announcer: Stay tuned. We’ll be back with more of the Warner brothers and their sister Dot’s 65th anniversary special!

(A mystery man is shown in a chair.)

*Mystery Man: Too bad the Warners won’t be around to enjoy a 66th anniversary. Not after I’m through with them. Not after.. tonight.

(The man throws a remote at the TV, which breaks. Dramatic music plays.)

*Announcer: This portion of the Warners’ 65th anniversary is brought to you by.. Smellog’s Branimaniacs! For that get-up-and-go feeling. Slappy eats ‘em, shouldn’t you too?

(Slappy and Skippy both shake their heads. The box hops away, and the host comes back on stage.)

*Announcer: And now, back to the Warners’ 65th anniversary special!

*Host: And so, the Warners were scheduled to appear in their very own cartoon.

*Bugs Bunny: I told da kids, look, if dey want you ta make more cartoons, do yourself a favor! Get an agent.

*Plotz: The agent these kids got for themselves was tough. A real grinder. Guy by the name of, uh, uhh, LaBoo! Uh, Swifty LaBoo! Ohh, shrewd negotiator.

(Chicken Boo is shown, dressed in an agent’s outfit and with glasses. He clucks.)

*Norman Feinman: He wasn’t an agent! He was a chicken! I said Plotz, what’s the matter with you, you’re negotiating with a chicken!

*Plotz: He was not a chicken! Feinman doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Anyway, we signed the contracts.

*Buddy: When I heard they signed a four-cartoon deal, I was so happy for them! (laughs)

*Daffy Duck: Their first cartoon was the most bizarre thing I’d ever seen! If I remember it correctly, uh, they had flypaper stuck on their fannys.

(The cartoon is shown, with the Warners each having a piece of fly paper stuck on their butt. They all try to pull it off, and fail. Yakko and Dot look at eachother, then Dot nods. Dot tries to pull the flypaper off of Yakko with her teeth, but fails and gets her face stuck on the flypaper instead. Wakko bites Dot’s tail and tries to pull her off, but her face comes off and stays on the paper, leaving Dot faceless. Yakko looks at her and gasps. Wakko uses his own flypaper to rip off his face, then shows it on the flypaper. Yakko shakes his head in disapproval.)

*Daffy Duck: It was an okay cartoon for a short, but this thing went on for 8 hours. 8 hours!

*Mr. Director: That cartoon was brilliant. It had an irreverent sagacity, (handed stick of dynamite) and a lugubrious effervescence, it was genius in its subtlety of-

(The dynamite explodes.)

*Mr. Director: Nevermind.

*Spartacus: It was the stupidest thing I’d ever seen! They were like some kind of freaks!

*Weed: You try directing those kids! They drove me crazy! Wakko kept eating up the scenery. He’d eat it! Do you know how expensive backgrounds are?

*Tweety Bird: Ooh, Weed was awways scweaming and yewwing at dem. In fact, in da second cawtoon, if you wisten vewy cawefuwwy, you can heaw Weed scweaming at Wakko!

(Another cartoon is shown, with Wakko putting various ingredients into a bowl. He starts mixing the contents of the bowl with his hands.)

*Weed: No, no, use the spoon! Use the spoon!

(Wakko picks up the spoon and puts it in his mouth, and continues mixing with his hands.)

*Weed: No, spit out the spoon, spit out the spoon!

(Wakko spits out the spoon and stops mixing, and just stares at the camera.)

*Weed: Don’t just look at me, do something!

(Wakko picks up the entire bowl and puts it into his mouth.)

*Weed: NOOOOOO!! Spit out the bowl, spit it out!!

*Bugs Bunny: Weed Memlo couldn’t handle da Warners. He could do a Buddy cartoon, sure, but when it came to da Warners, he had no idea what he was doin’.

*Weed: It’s not that we didn’t get along, how can I put this, I hate them.

*Plotz: So, I had to take Weed off the Warner cartoons. But, he went on to direct hygiene films for the navy.

*Weed: I won an award for How to Shampoo, and the sequel, How to Rinse.

(Slappy Squirrel is shown, eating Branimaniacs.)

*Slappy: No director would get near the Warners. (eats a bite of cereal) This cereal is so delicious.

(A hand holds out a stack of money to Slappy, which she takes and puts in her pocket.)

*Slappy: But they still had one more cartoon under their contract. That’s when Plotz made the stupidest decision of his life: he let Wakko direct. (facepalms) What a yutz.

*Professor Kingsfield: Wakko worked day and night on the script with Joseph Mankiewicz. (takes bite of cereal) Mm, yummy cereal. (gets handed stack of money) Finally, the cartoon was completed.

(The Warners stand on top of the stairs of a ship, al dressed in sailor uniforms. They walk down a few steps, then Wakko plays Yankee Doodle with his armpit while Yakko and Dot hum the song.)

*Bugs Bunny: Plotz was furious about dat cartoon! Da moment he saw it, he cancelled deir contract. Deir agent was livid! You could hear dem arguing all over the studio.

*Plotz: That’s it, the Warners are through!

(Loud, angry clucking can be heard. Chicken Boo is seen arguing with Plotz.)

*Plotz: Don’t take that tone with me, LaBoo! The Warners are finished! They’ll never make another cartoon at this studio as long as I live! What do you think about that?

(Chicken Boo clucks then pecks Plotz on the head. Plotz screams, then kicks Chicken Boo out the door. Chicken Boo walks away, clucking madly.)

*Buddy: I was so sad when I heard the Warners weren’t going to make any more cartoons. I was such a fan. Really. (laughs)

*Baby Jane: With no cartoons to make, the Warners were free to run around the lot as they pleased. And did they run around!

(Many people are seen running and screaming out of the gates of the lot, being chased by the Warners.)

*Yakko: Wait! I didn’t say Simon says!

*Page Sister 1: Back then, if you were a chorus girl, watch out!

*Page Sister 2: Yakko and Wakko would always pop out of something, give you a big kiss and say, uh.. what was that phrase?

*Page Sister 1: Hello endocrinologist!

*Page Sister 2: No, that wasn’t it, it was, uh, hello.. hello nana!

*Page Sister 1: No, not nana. Never nana. It was, uh, it was, it was..

(Chorus girls are seen getting ready. Yakko and Wakko pop out of the clothes rack.)

*Yakko and Wakko: Hello nurse!

(They both jump into a chorus girl’s arms and kiss her.)

*Yakko and Wakko: Wanna go steady?

(The chorus girl screams.)

*Spartacus: Dot was just as bad!

(A western movie being filmed is shown.)

*Cowboy 1:You can still surrender, pilgrim.

*Cowboy 2: Nope. Draw, sherif.

*Cowboy 1: Alright, but I warn ya.

(The cowboy draws his gun, but it’s Dot instead.)

*Dot: Bang!

*Cowboy 1: Huh?

(Dot kisses him.)

*Dot: Say you’ll never leave me. Say we’ll always be together!

(The cowboy screams.)

*Page Sister 1: Hello fudgey!

*Page Sister 2: Not fudgey! It was.. hello nankey-poo!

*Page Sister 1: No.

*George Bailey: Everywhere you went, there they were. Poppin’ out all over the place. Especially at the commissary.

(At the commissary, the Warners fall from the ceiling.)

*Wakko: Can we eat with you?

(Everybody in the room screams and runs, leaving three trays at the table. The Warners drop down into the seats and start eating. Wakko eats his tray.)

*Porky Pig: P-P-P-Pretty soon, it got so b-b-b-bad p-p-p-people were scared to walk around the l-l-l-lot.

*The Gipper: They but bean dip in my saddle.

*Porky Pig: They c-c-c-came up behind me and tried to straighten my t-t-t-tail!

*Yosemite Sam: Those darn varmints used to call me itty-bitty-baby-man! Was that nice.

*Foghorn Leghorn: For some, I say, for some reason they had a particular affinity for Jimmy Cagney. Call him their special friend. They drove the poor guy crazy, loony that is.

(Jimmy Cagney runs and hides behind a wall, panting. He whimpers, and looks back to the other side of the wall. He looks around, but the Warners sneak up behind him, giggling. Yakko pulls down Jimmy’s pants, and the Warners all break into hysterical laughter. Jimmy pulls his pants back up and runs.)

*Plotz: The Warners had single-handed brought this studio to a screeching halt. Something had to be done. So we captured them, and locked them in the water tower. And the best part of it was, we had it perma-sealed so they could never escape. (laughs) They’d spend the rest of their lives in there, alone.

*Host: Yeah, that was back in 1934. Hey, when we come back, we’ll find out how the Warners spent the next 60 years. Hey, I got socks that old. Don’t go away.

*Announcer: The Warner brother and their sister Dot’s 65th anniversary special continues right after this.

*Elmyra: Happy anniversary you cuddly pubby-wubby kids! I wanna love you and squeeze you and bathe you, and snuggle your cute little heads.

(The curtain to the stage closes.)

*Man: And fade to black.

(The host walks away, and the podium goes down into the floor, into a dark room. The door opens, and a cloaked figure comes inside with a box. He opens the box, revealing a time bomb.)

*Mystery Man: When the Warners step up to the podium tonight, it’ll be the last thing they ever do. (laughs evilly)

(Skippy is seen next to a box of Branimaniacs.)

*Skippy: Happy anniversary Warners!

(Slappy walks up to Skippy.)

*Slappy: Why, Skippy, what are you doing?

*Skippy: Oh, hello, Aunt Slappy, I was just congratulating the Warners and having some Branimaniacs. Part of this complete breakfast.

(A hand sticks up holding a stack of money, which Skippy takes.)

*Skippy: Oh boy! (smiles)

(The audience applauds, the hosts is back in front of the podium.)

*Host: And so, in 1934, the Warners were locked away in the water tower, never to be heard from again, or so we thought.

*Plotz: Well, once every few years the water tower had to be fumigated for termites. So we had to let the Warners out for a day. They’d dance off the lot and go to who knows where.

*Gen. Patrick Nunger: It was 1945, and I was with the American Delegation at the altar, where president Roosevelt, Winston Churchill, and Stalin met to decide the fate of post-war Europe.

*Stalin: Can I have Romania?

*Roosevelt: Sure.

*Churchill: Ok.

(Churchill is tapped on the shoulder.)

*Yakko: Can we jump on your belly?

*Churchill: …Okay.

(The Warners jump on his belly.)

*Warners: Boingy! Boingy! Boingy! Boingy! Boingy! Boingy!

*Nunger: Then Stalin wanted to jump on Churchill’s belly.

(Stalin jumps on Churchill’s belly, the Warners watch impatiently from the table.)

*Stalin: Boingy! Boingy! Boingy! Boingy! Boingy!

*Vern Turtletaub: It was our third show in 1968. Anyway, the next act was supposed to be a dancin’ bears act. So, Ed introduced it.

*Ed: And now, next on our stage, the very famous and talented Jerry Marzipan and his family of dancing bears.

(The curtain opens, revealing the Warners on stage, each with instruments. They start playing a parody of Feelin' Groovy.)

*Wakko: (singing)

Be cool and smell a flower

Make love, not war and shower

Kiss the world and be groovy

Go ahead and make a gookie!

*Yakko and Dot:

Ba da ba da ba da ba

Make a gookie!

*Warners:

Ba da ba da ba da ba

Make a gookie!

*Lou Amalongada: It was 1977 at the disco championships in New York. First prize was an 8-track tape player, a mood ring, and a copy of Muskrat Love. I thought I had it all locked up. Then these kids showed up.

(The Warners appear, all dressed in white. A Stayin' Alive parody plays in the background.)

*Disco: (singing)

Ow, ow, ow, ow

Hurtin' our feet

Hurtin' our feet

Ow, ow, ow, ow

Hurtin' our feet!

It should be clear by the types of clothes we choose

We're disco kids with disco shoes

They may be cool; they may look neat

But wearing 'em sure hurts our feet

Ow, ow, ow, ow

Hurtin' our feet!

(The crowd applauds.)

*Lou: Were those kids good.

*Guenther Hundhosen: We was all there at the Berlin Wall, ready to tear it down, but we had no hammers or anything like this. And then those kids showed up.

*Crowd: Wall! Wall! Wall! Wall! Wall!

(He is tapped on the shoulder.)

*Wakko: Need a little help?

(The Warners have a bag with them.)

*Guenther: Ya, ya!

(Wakko takes a massive mallet out of the bag.)

*Crowd: Wall! Wall! Wall!

(They all look back and see Wakko with the mallet, and they run away. Wakko takes the mallet and smashes a hole in the wall. The crowd cheers.j

*Guenther: It was perfect! Except for the fact that they charged us for the mallets.

(The Warners are seen handing mallets out to people.)

*Guenther: Said they needed money for the candy.

(The Warners are seen eating candy.)

*Host: Hey, how ‘bout those kids, huh? Aren’t they wonderful? I tell ya, they been around the world more times than Jules Verne.

(The crowd laughs.)

*Host: Hey, isn’t that funny, ha? But each time they escaped, they’ve always been locked back in the water tower, where they still live to this day. But tonight, the kids have been permitted out to join us here. (time bomb ticks) And now, to say a few words, cue card guy’s movin’ on me, here they are, the Warner brother and their sister, Dottie!

(The crowd applauds. The Warners are seen, asleep on top of their table. Dr. Scratchansniff shakes Yakko’s foot to wake him up.)

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Wake up!

*Yakko: Is it over?

*Dr. Scratchansniff: You have to go make your speech, go, go!

(The Warners walk up to the stage while the cloaked figure watches from behind the curtain.)

*Cloaked Figure: Very soon now, the Warners be gone. (laughs)

(The Warners all jump into the arms of the host, and kiss him.)

*Dot: Maybe you shoud retire.

(The Warners jump down and stand behind the podium.)

*Yakko: Thank you everyone. We’ll never forget tonight! No matter how hard we try. My siblings and I owe a great deal of debt to many people, most of whom would like to remain anonymous. Very special people, like Weed Memlo.

*Cloaked Figure: At last, sweet revenge.

(The cloaked figure takes off their hood, revealing themselves to be Buddy.)

*Buddy: You destroyed my career, Warners! Now I’m going to destroy you! (laughs)

*Yakko: And our p-sychiatrist, Dr. Schratchansniff. But there’s one person to whom we own the most. He gave us our start. That person is.. Buddy!

*Buddy: Me?

*Yakko: We just wished Buddy was here to share this honor with us.

*Buddy: But I am here! I am here!!

(Buddy runs out from behind the stage, leaving his cloak behind.)

*Buddy: Wait, wait, I really am here!

*Warners: Buddy!

(The Warners hop off the podium, letting Buddy speak.)

*Wakko: Come on, Buddy, say a few words.

*Buddy: (tearing up) I am so very pleased to be standing up here. You know-

(The alarm for the time bomb goes off. Buddy’s eyes get really small, then the bomb explodes. The Warners watch Buddy fly up into one of the two hanging golden mallets, then hit his head on it. Buddy falls, then the Warners clap.)

*Yakko: Wasn’t that great, folks? Let’s hear it for Buddy!

(The mallet breaks, then falls on top of Buddy, crushing him. The Warners, and the whole audience, applauds. The Warners lift the mallet off of Buddy.)

*Wakko: They loved it.

*Buddy: Thanks..

(The Warners drop the mallet back on top of Buddy.)

*Yakko: Well, what more can we say, but.. goodnight, everybody!

(The singers from the beginning come back on stage.)

Singers:

Silly, bizarre, loony, mad, and kooky

Crazy, wigged out, giddy, bad, and goofy

Yakko, Wakko and Dot

They're hip; they're cool; they're hot.

(The Warners look around, then run to a different part of the stage.)

They're Warners

Fabulous Warners

Wonderful Warners

Look out; the Warners are back!

(The singers are all crushed by the other golden mallet. Yakko holds up a pair of scissors.)

*Yakko: We’ve been wanting to do that all night.

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