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Newsreel of the Stars[]

*Narrator: "Newsreel of the Stars," dateline Hollywood 1930. The Warner Brothers studio. Here at the studio's new animation department, the artists toil endlessly to come up with cartoon stars. Ultimately creating three new characters: the Warner Brothers and their sister Dot.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Hello, nurse!

*Narrator: Unfortunately, the Warner kids went totally out of control.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy!

*Narrator: The trio ran amok throughout the studio...until their capture. The Warners' films, which made absolutely no sense, were locked away in the studio vault, never to be released. As for the Warners themselves, they were locked away in the studio water tower, also never to be released. Publicly, the studio has disavowed any knowledge of the Warners' existence to this very day...when the Warners escaped!

Theme Song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

We’ve got wisecracks by the stacks

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-,

Totally insane-y...

*Dot:

Here’s the shows namey

*Warners:

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Mime Time[]

*Narrator: It’s mime time. Today on mime time, swimming in an imaginary ocean.

(The mime nods. He pretends to swim on the ground, but is hit by a wave.)

*Narrator: The end.

Goodfeathers Intro[]

*Singer: When the birds hit the street lookin' for food to eat

That's Goodfeathers

*Chorus: That's Goodfeathers

*Singer: When I'm cooin' at you and you're cooin' at me

That's Goodfeathers

Take no guff 'cause they're tough

Strut their stuff no cream puffs

That's Goodfeathers!

(Martin Scorsese statue falls on Goodfeathers.)

We’re No Pigeons[]

*Squit: As far back as I can remember, the city was dangerous. Especially at night. Wise guys who’d never even seen the light of day stalked the mean streets.

(A possum runs out of a box, scaring the Goodfeathers. Three men walk past the Goodfeathers, who scream.)

*Squit: At night, everybody’s on the prowl for unsuspecting victims, like us pigeons.

(A bird swoops down towards the Goodfeathers. The Goodfeathers scream, and the bird tackles them.)

*Squit: Oh, what is that, a rope?

*Bobby: We’re gettin’ hogtied!

*Pesto: My toe! Ratatouille!

(The Goodfeathers have their feet tied together.)

*Owl: Hoo! Haha! First time pigeon huntin’ and I bagged three big fat juicy ones. Hahaha. Hey, you are pigeons, aren’t ya? I hate to admit it, but, I, uh, never saw one before.

*Bobby: Pigeons? What pigeons? Are you a pigeon?

*Pesto: What? Who? Me? No. You a pigeon?

*Squit: Last time I looked.

(Bobby and Pesto hit Squit.)

*Bobby: We’re no pigeons.

(The owl unties them.)

*Owl: Nope? Well, what are ya?

*Pesto: We’re, uh, macaroni birds. Yeah, that’s what we are.

*Owl: Well, you, uh, macaroni birds know what a pigeon looks like?

*Bobby: Yeah, sure forget about it. Pigeons dipsy-doodle around on pointy toes. They got, uh, stubby molars, some got antlers up top bip-bip-bip you can’t miss ‘em.

*Owl: Oh, yeah. Hey, thanks for setting me straight, macaroni birds. Seeya.

(The owl walks away. Bobby and Pesto laugh.)

*Bobby: Bada-bing, we fooled that fledgling, y’know what I’m sayin’? (laughs)

(Bobby and Pesto high-five.)

*Squit: I don’t know, Goodfeathers, it doesn’t seem right lying to an egg-fresh owl.

*Pesto: Sometimes ya gotta act fraudulent to survive, Squit.

*Squit: Lies’ll getcha in the end.

*Bobby: Oh. Whatever you say, Pinocchio.

*Owl: (whistles) Hey, yo, I got one, I got one!

(The owl drags in Pepe Le Pew. Bobby and Pesto laugh.)

*Squit: That’s a skunk.

*Owl: It is?

*Pesto: Yeah, you can always ID a skunk by his bushy body and white stripes.

*Squit: (lifts skunk’s tail) And it has two glands near the interior extremity of the alimentary canal, which secretes an extremely offensive-smelling fluid.

*Bobby: Uh, Squit, Squit..

*Pesto: Squit.

*Bobby: Hey, uh, oh, Squit.

(The skunk sprays Squit and the owl. They pass out. Bobby and Pesto also get sprayed. The skunk leaves.)

*Bobby: Pe-ew that’s cheesy.

*Pesto: Oh, toe jam fettuccine, we will be stentchified for 32 weeks!

*Owl: Aww, I thought that was a pigeon. Hey, you sure you ain’t pigeons?

*Bobby: I’m tellin’ ya, we’re macaroni birds.

*Pesto: Look, you see a crusty animal with a dangly neck thing hanging down like one of them cock-a-doodlers? And maybe a dorsal fin comin’ out of the side of his head? Bada-boop, that’s a pigeon!

*Bobby: Go on, get one. You can’t miss ‘em.

(Pesto and Bobby laugh.)

*Pesto: That’s some gullible baby bird-ette!

*Owl: Hey, macaroni birds!

(The owl comes out a manhole, holding the end of a green tail.)

*Bobby: Oh no..

*Owl: Hey, I got one.

(The owl drags up an alligator.’

*Owl: Crusty skin and everything.

*Pesto: That's no pigeon.

*Squit: That’s a sewer gator!

*Owl: It is?

*Bobby: Put it back..

*Pesto: Stuff it in the hole!

*Bobby and Pesto: Put it back!

(The gator growls. It approaches the birds, but then the owl lifts it up, drops it back in the hole, and moves the manhole cover back on.)

*Owl: Aww, I messed up again. Hey, you swear you’re not pigeons?

*Bobby: I swear on my mama’s lasagna.

*Pesto: Listen owl, for the last time, pigeons are uh, big. Real big. They got whiskers thick as my head pokin’ out of their skulls! They’ve got noses all over, and their torsos are bloated out with appendages!

*Owl: Ohhh, I think I seen one of them.

*Pesto: You did?

*Owl: Yeah, thanks macaroni birds!

(Bobby and Pesto laugh.)

*Pesto: How dumb can you get?

(The three Goodfeathers are hit by a bus that says zoo. They arrive at the zoo, and fall off the front of the bus.)

*Owl: Okay, this time I got one. Found him hangin’ around the zoo.

(The owl drags a rope, which is tied to the tail of a large grey animal. The owl drags it through the gate, and it is an elephant. The elephant gets up and turns around, angry. It trumpets.)

*Bobby: Man, oh, man, he pulled in a pachyderm over here!

(The elephant sucks the Goodfeathers up through its trumpet.)

*Owl: Come on out of the pigeon, macaroni birds.

*Bobby: This ain’t no pigeon.

*Squit: It’s an elephant.

*Owl: It is?

*Pesto: Yeah, yeah. Only elephants got vacuum cleaner schnozes!

(The elephant sneezes, throwing the Goodfeathers against a tree.)

*Owl: Aw, gee, I keep messin’ up! Okay, tell me again, what’s a pigeon look like, huh? Come on, tell me. No matter what, I’ll get one.

*Pesto: That’s it, I give up. Hey, I’m a pigeon!

*Owl: You? No, you’re a macaroni bird!

*Pesto: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You want the truth. I’m a pigeon!

*Bobby: Yeah, yeah, we’re all pigeons. We tried to fool ya.

*Squit: Sorry, kid. We Goodfeathers are usually on the up-and-up.

*Owl: Goodfeathers? You are Goodfeathers?

*Squit: Yeah, we’re Goodfeathers.

*Owl: Hoo! Hey, we’re not allowed to hunt Goodfeathers on account of all the owls in the city made a deal with the Godpidgeon. Seeya.

*Bobby: (laughs) Bada-bing, what do you know about that?

*Pesto: (laughs) Hey, we’re a protected species!

*Squit: I knew you’d come clean, Pesto. ‘Cause you are honorable.

*Pesto: What do you mean by that?

*Squit: I said you’re honorable.

*Pesto: I, am honorable? What are you saying, that I’m some tubby Supreme Court justice here to peruse your legal breaks? Is that what you’re sayin’?

*Squit: No, I’m not sayin’ that!

*Pesto: You’re sayin’ that I am honorable.

*Squit: Yeah, yeah, that’s what I’m sayin’.

*Pesto: Dat’s it!

(Pesto attacks Squit. Afterwards, all three Goodfeathers are lassoed.)

*Bobby: Hey, oh, what is this?

(The owl lassoes them over a fence.)

*Bobby: Hey, coo it, owl, you can’t hunt us! We’re Goodfeathers!

*Owl: Hey, you lied about bein’ macaroni birds, you’re probably lyin’ about being Goodfeathers too.

*Pesto: Ow, ouch, that hurts my breezer bounce!

*Bobby: Oh man, oh man, I’m gettin’ skinned over here!

*Squit: OW! I told you lies’d would get us in the end! OWW!

Mime Time[]

*Narrator: It’s mime time. Today in mime time, walking an imaginary dog.

(The mime pretends to walk a dog, then is tackled by multiple dogs.)

*Narrator: The end.

Buttons and Mindy Intro[]

*Mindy: Buttons, oh Buttons!

(Buttons runs, then falls down a deep hole)

*Mindy: (laughs) Silly puppy!

Whistle-Stop Mindy[]

(Buttons sleeps under Mindy’s Harness, which is empty. Mindy and her mom come outside.)

*Mindy’s Mom: Now, Mindy, I want you to stay right here and play with your choochoo whistle. Mommy has a bad headache from hearing it.

(Mindy blows her train whistle, waking up Buttons.)

*Mindy’s Mom: No, Mindy, darling. Now, Buttons, don’t you let Mindy get her nice, clean clothes dirty. And Mindy, keep your hands clean.

*Mindy: Okay lady.

*Mindy’s Mom: Not lady, mom.

*Mindy: Okay, lady, I love you, buh-bye!

*Mindy’s Mom: This is a test. This is only a test.

(Mindy blows her train whistle and swings in her harness.)

*Mindy: Choochoo Mindy train! Wheeee!

(Buttons sleeps, but Mindy blows her whistle directly over him, making him jump into the air.)

*Mindy: Ooh!

(Mindy swings out of her harness, and Buttons falls into it. He whines and struggles.)

*Mindy: Hahaha, Buttons jump high!

(Mindy blows her whistle twice, but the second time she does she hears a real train whistle at the same time. She looks behind her, and sees a steam train going down the track.)

*Mindy: Oooooh. Big whistle!

(Mindy walks away and tosses her train whistle behind her, hitting Buttons on the head and Buttons roars like a bull. He sees Mindy climbing over the fence and grabbing the mail crane. She swings on it, going in a circle back and forth over the fence. Buttons desperately struggles to get out of the harness, and manages to walk over to the fence, but Mindy gets hooked on the mail hook.)

*Mindy: Buh-bye, Buttons!

(Buttons runs down the track after the train. He manages to catch up to it, and jumps and grabs the back rail of the caboose. He bites it, but his feet are dragged on the railroad track. He lets go, but bites a cord. He runs down the track, but starts to fill up with air. He lets go of the cord and flies into the air, then lands on the train. He looks in the window of the door behind him, and sees Mindy.)

*Mindy: Funny Buttons.

(Mindy gets down and walks to the door on the other side of the car. She opens the door, and hops onto the part that connects the two cars. Buttons whines, and bursts through the door. He slips in all the mail, then opens the door to find Mindy.)

*Mindy: Ooh, shiny.

(Mindy takes out the bolt that hold the two pieces of the train together. The pieces separate, and Mindy starts to walk across, but Buttons uses himself as a bridge to make sure she doesn’t fall. He gets stretched and whines, and Mindy bounces in top of him. She hears the whistle of the train.)

*Mindy: Whistle!

(Mindy walks forward, dropping the bolt, which Buttons catches in his mouth. Mindy opens the door of the next car, then looks at her hands.)

*Mindy: Dirty hands..

(Mindy walks forward, and into the ladies room. The train goes down a hill, forcing the two parts of the train together, squishing Buttons. He pulls himself out, and puts the bolt back in its place. He tries to get over the car, but can’t, but realizes he can climb under the train. He does so, then goes up a tube. Mindy is seen at the sink in a bathroom., trying to reach it)

*Mindy: Hands dirty..

(A woman comes in.)

*Woman: Here honey, let me help.

(The woman lifts Mindy up to the sink and turns on the faucet.)

*Mindy: Water!

(The woman turns off the faucet, but sees Buttons sticking his head out of the toilet.)

*Woman: A water rat!

(The woman punches the lid of the toilet and then flushes it. Buttons goes back out the tube, and falls off a bridge. The scene changes to Mindy approaching a man by a door.)

*Mindy: Hi mister man, watcha doin’?

*Man: Gettin’ ready to let all the passengers off.

*Mindy: Why?

*Man: ‘Cause we’re coming into the station.

*Mindy: Why?

*Man: So the engine can turn around.

*Mindy: Why?

*Man: For the return trap. Now skedaddle.

*Mindy: Okay I love you buh-bye!

(The train goes into the station, Buttons chases it. He sees many rails and trains, and ducks out of the way to avoid being hit. He sighs with relief, but is nearly hit by another train from behind. He lands on top of a box, but sees Mindy walking towards a train with coal in it. She climbs onto the train, and Buttons runs after her. Coal slides over Buttons.)

*Mindy: Wheeee!

(Mindy walks towards the furnace and sees a bunch of gauges and dials.)

*Mindy: Oooooh, ticktocks.

(Mindy jumps and reaches for the gauges while a man shovels coal into the furnace.)

*Man: All aboard!

(The coal shoveler starts the train. He pulls a lever to make it whistle. Mindy reaches for the lever, while the man shovels more coal. He shoulders a pile of coal, but Buttons jumps out and both him and the man scream. The man faints, then Buttons sees Mindy standing in the window reaching for the lever. Buttons grabs her, jumping out of the window, but Mindy grabs the lever and pulls it, both keeping them from falling and making the train whistle. The train goes by their hose, and Buttons sees the mail crane. He hooks it, and him and Mindy fly off the train, and back into the yard. Buttons plows into the ground, but Mindy stays above ground and goes back into her harness. Mindy goes over to Buttons and hugs him.)

*Mindy’s Mom: Buttons! What did I tell you! Just look at Mindy’s clothes! No biscuit for you, mister irresponsible!

(Mindy grabs her train whistle, and blows it loudly by Buttons, who whines and runs around the yard.)

*Mindy: (giggles) Silly Buttons.

Mime Time[]

*Narrator: It’s mime time. Today on mime time, driving an imaginary car.

(The mime sits down in the road and pretends to drive. He gets hit by a bus.)

*Narrator: The end.

Katie Ka-Boom Intro[]

(Phone rings, answered by Katie)

*Narrator (singing):

She's Katie Ka-Boom, Katie Ka-Boom

She lives in a house with a garden in bloom

Her family knows that any time soon

Their little lady, Katie goes ka-boom

(House literally gets vaporized)

Katie Ka-Boom: The Broken Date[]

(The sun sets, changing to night.)

*Katie’s Mom: Katie! Katie, darling?

(Katie’s brother runs through the kitchen, playing with a plane. Katie’s Mom is washing a table, and Katie’s dad is washing the dishes.)

*Katie: I’m right here, mother.

*Mom: What time will Jared be picking you up for your date?

*Katie: 7:00, and it’s not a date! We’re just seeing a movie and having pizza after.

*Mom: My mistake.

(Katie’s brother urns around with a plane. The clock shows just a couple minute to seven.:

*Dad: I trust you’ll be home at a-a proper hour, princess?

*Katie: Okay, daddy, I won’t be late.

(Katie gets nervous staring at the clock. It strikes seven, and Katie gasps. It strikes 7:01, and Katie gets mad.)

*Katie: (angrily) He’s late! I’ve been stood up!

(Katie’s eyes glow white, Katie’s dad pulls an army helmet out of the sink.)

*Dad: Sound the alarms! Sound the alarms! Man the battle stations!

(Multiple alarms go off.)

*Katie: I’ve been stood up! I’ve been stood up!

(Katie transforms into a blue monster.)

*Katie: I’VE BEEN STOOD UP!

(Katie explodes. Katie’s brother runs around the stairs, then sees Katie and gasps. She turns toward him and roars.)

*Brother: Mommy!

(Katie’s mom comes and hugs Katie’s brother.)

*Mom: Calm down, Katie. You’re overreacting.

*Katiem I’m not overreacting, Mom!

(Katie’s head spins in full circles multiple times. Blue lasers come out of her eyes.)

*Katie: I’m a teenager!

(Katie’s mom and brother hide behind sandbags. Katie’s dad stands behind them with a megaphone.)

*Dad: Listen to your mother, Katie, she loves you!

*Katie: You always take her side!

(Katie throws a pink laser at a wall, breaking it. She throws fire at her dad, who dodges. She opens the kitchen drawers and all the utensils fly out towards her dad. He runs and hides behind sandbags, and all the utensils hit the sandbags and the wall.)

*Mom: It’s hormonal. She can’t help it.

(Katie roars.)

*Katie: Leave my hormones out of this!

(Katie roars, various objects from the house rush up and swirl in the air. The house explodes, and a man walks down the sidewalk, not noting the ringing appliances and wall pieces. He goes to the door of the house and rings the doorbell. Katie answers, now human again,)

*Jared: Hi Katie, sorry I’m late.

*Katie: Late? I hardly noticed.

(The two walk away. The door falls over.)

*Narrator: (singing)

Her family knows, that any time soon

*Mom: (spoken) It’s only a teenage phase. It’ll pass. Someday.

*Narrator:

Their little lady Kaite, goes

(A piece of the ceiling falls down.)

*Narrator:

Ka-Boom.

Mime Time[]

*Narrator: It’s mime time. Today on mime time, pitching in an imaginary baseball game.

(The mime pretends to throw a ball, but a real ball is hit back and hits him in the face.)

*Narrator: The end.

Wheel of Morality[]

(The Warners walk.)

*Wakko: Gee, Yakko, I’m confused.

*Yakko: What else is new?

*Wakko: No, I mean about today’s show. What was the moral of the story?

*Yakko: Good question, Wakko. And to learn the answer, let’s consult: The Wheel of Morality!

(Yakko spins the wheel.)

*Yakko: Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn. Moral number 2. And the moral of today’s story is..

(He looks at the paper.)

*Yakko: Don’t spit in public.

*Wakko: Of course, it all makes perfect sense now! Thanks for clearing that up.

*Yakko: My pleasure.

(Whistle blows.)

*Warners: Yike!

(The Warners all run away, and are chased by Ralph.)

Ending[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Yakko: (sniffs) Did somebody step in something?

(The Warners look down by Yakko’s foot.)

*Warners: Ewwww!

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