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Randy Beaman[]

*Colin: Okay, one time, Randy Beaman’s sister, see one time she was making a really ugly face, and Randy Beaman’s mom said stop it your face will get stuck like that, and it did. (giggles) Kay bye.

Theme Song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

We’ve got wisecracks by the stacks

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-,

Totally insane-y...

*Dot:

Here’s the shows namey

*Warners:

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Miami Mama-Mia[]

*Squit: As far back as Pesto could remember, his mom lived in a retirement roost in Miami Beach, Florida. And when he got word she was gettin’ remarried, he flipped, and we flapped down there for the wed.

*Pesto: At Ma’s age, she’s got no business dipsy-doodlin’ around with some Miami Vice boy.

*Squit: Moms shouldn’t date right get married. They should just stay moms.

*Bobby: Forget about it! Moms are pigeons too.

*Pesto: Hey, there’s Ma’s roost! Ma!

(Ma gets down and hugs Pesto.)

*Ma: Pesto! Oh, my precious little squab!

(She kisses Pesto.)

*Pesto: Yeah, yeah, hi, Ma, how ya doin’.

*Ma: Bobby!

(She kisses Bobby as well.)

*Ma: (sees Squit, coos) Who is this bird?

*Pesto: That’s Squit.

*Ma: You have quite the looker, Squit. Rowrrr!

(Pesto growls.)

*Seagull: What a beautiful day for a wedding!

(The seagull lands.)

*Ma: Pesto, I want you to meet Steven Seagull.

(The Goodfeathers laugh.)

*Pesto: Steven Seagull?

*Ma: Steven’s my fiancé.

*Pesto: What!? You are marryin’ my ma? How old are you, 15?

*Steven: I’m in my mid 20’s. Don’t worry, Pesto. I’ll be a good father to ya.

(Pesto gets mad, his head catches in fire and he yells.)

*Bobby: Ah! Pesto’s cranium’s cooked! Let’s dunk him!

(They pick Pesto up and drop him in the water.)

*Ma: Steven, while I get preened for the wedding, why don’t you take out Pesto and his friends on a sight-seeing tour?

*Steven: Love to! Come on, Pesto! We’re going on a father-son outing!

(Pesto swims back to shore.)

*Pesto: My ma is not marrying no buck-beaked prepubescent gull fresh out of the egg!

*Bobby: Get over it, Pesto. Let your mom marry who she wants.

*Squit: There’s no way to stop it.

*Pesto: Unless mister Steven Seagull has a little accident.

(The scene changes to a swamp with animal noises in the background.)

*Steven: Son, this is the famous Florida Everglades! Alligators live in gator holes like that one.

*Pesto: I don’t see no gator, Dad. Why don’t you make like a father and go in there and get one out for me?

*Steven: Well, it’s dangerous, but I’ll do it for you, son.

(He hops into the hole.)

*Steven: Nobody home!

(He gets out of the hole.)

*Pesto: What kind of a father takes their son to see a gator and there’s no gator, huh?

(A gator’s head comes out from under Pesto, the Goodfeathers run away but Pesto doesn’t notice. Squit, Bobby, and Steven stand a little ways away, scared.)

*Steven: Uh-oh.

*Pesto: Wha-wha-wha-what’d I do?

(The rest of the gator comes out from under Pesto. He jumps off and tries to fly away, but the gator eats him.)

*Pesto: (punching gator’s stomach) Lemme outta here! Take that! And that! Let me out of I’ll whack ya to a shoe store!

(The gator gets annoy and and spits Pesto out, but he flies into the water.)

*Steven: My son defeated an alligator! I love that kid.

(The scene changes to a dock with a building on it.)

*Steven: Son, this is the famous Joe’s stone crab restaurant! It’s a terrific place to scavenge for food.

*Pesto: Oh, yeah? I don’t see no food, Dad. Why don’t you make like a father and go inside and get some for me?

*Steven: Well, it’s dangerous, but I’ll do it for you, son.

(Steven goes inside.)

*Pesto: I hope that gull meets up with the chef. Then it’s bye-bye birdy. (laughs)

(Steven comes out with a piece of bread.)

*Bobby: Bada-bing, he bagged a bun.

*Squit: Wait to go, Steven Seagull!

*Bobby: (to Pesto) Even a Goodfeather couldn’t have pulled of that stunt, y’know what I’m sayin’?

(Steven sets down the bread, Bobby and Squit start eating.)

*Pesto: I could do better than that.

*Steven: No need to, son. There’s plenty for all of us.

*Pesto: Oh, yeah? I’ll show ya!

(Pesto goes inside, and then back to the doorway holding two pieces of bread. The owner of the restaurant stand behind him, so Steven Squit, and Bobby scream and run. Pesto gets hit with a broom, and then is chases down the dock, being beaten with the broom.)

*Chef: Stinky bird! Take that! That! And that! You vile species of stink.

(The chef puts Pesto in a trash can, then goes back inside. The other Goodfeathers are seen, each with a piece of bread in their mouths.)

*Steven: Boy, Pesto sure is a great son! He beaked us two more loaves!

*Pesto: That’s it! Lemme outta here! I get my wings on that human, I’ll whack ‘em to cooking school!

*Steven: That’s my boy!

(The scene changes so that all four birds are on a buoy.)

*Steven: From here we should be able to see dolphins run.

*Pesto: I don’t see nothin’, Dad. Why don’t you make like a father and dive in the water and care some up for me?

*Steven: Well, it’s dangerous, but I’ll do it for you, son.

(Steven dives in the water, then jumps out, and dolphins follow him.)

*Steven: Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Come on in, guys, wow, this is fun!

*Bobby: Your dad sure knows how to have good time, y’know what I’m sayin’?

*Squit: Yeah, he’s great.

*Bobby: Come on, let’s make like the seaquist and dive.

(Bobby and Squit jump into the water. They booth coo.)

*Pesto: I could do that. Yeah, why not.

(Pesto jumps into the water, but screams and flies out, and a shark chases him. The shark eats him.)

*Steven: I’m so proud to have Pesto for a son. He’s brave, courageous..

*Bobby: And coocoo in the head.

*Steven: Yeah, but that’s what makes him lovable.

*Pesto: (in shark’s stomach) What’s with these weird cutaway shots in this stupid cartoon show anyway?

(The shark spits out Pesto, who flies into the mouth of a clam.)

*Pesto: I’m havin’ a bad day.

(MerMindy swims by, and MerButtons follows her. The scene changes to the wedding, with the Godpidgeon as the minister.)

*Ma: I do!

*Steven: I do too!

(The Godpidgeon speaks.)

*Bobby: The Godpidgeon says he now pronounces them peahen and go.

*Steven: Seeya after the honeymoon, son!

(Steven and Ma fly off.)

*Pesto: Ah, she’s happy, he’s happy. So what, big deal. Everybody’s happy.

*Bobby: Ah, forget about it. Love conquers all, y’know what I’m sayin’?

*Pesto: Ah, yeah.

(The Godpidgeon speaks, then sniffs, as if tearing up ,and waves to Steven and Ma.)

*Squit: You know, underneath that tough exterior, you’re a real softie, Pesto.

*Pesto: What do you mean by that?

*Squit: You’re sweet, you know, a softie.

*Pesto: I am a softie? What, are you sayin’ I’m some kind of swirly-topped ice cream cone, here for you to smack your beak lips over? Is that what you’re sayin’!?

*Squit: No, I’m not sayin’ that!

*Pesto: You’re sayin’ that I, am a softie.

*Squit: Yeah, yeah, that’s what I’m sayin’.

*Pesto: Dat’s it!

(Pesto jumps in and attacks Squit. Bobby starts laughing.)

Mime Time[]

*Narrator: It’s mime time. Today on mine time, riding an imaginary subway.

(The mime pretends to ride a subway, and is beaten up and stripped of his clothes. He steps on something sharp.)

*Mime: Ow! ow! O-ooh! Ow!

*Narrator: The end.

Pigeon on the Roof[]

*Squit: As far back as I can remember, the Goodfeathers had the best perch in the neighborhood, because we perched on the statue of the greatest filmmaker in the world, Scorsese!

*Goodfeathers: (singing)

Scorsese...

Scorsese!

Cooooooooooo!

Scorsese!

*Goodfeathers and Girlfeathers:

Scorsese...

Scorsese!

Cooooooooooo!

Scorsese!

(The Goodfeathers and Girlfeathers fly off into the distance, except Squit, who stays on the statue.)

*Squit: (spoken) Without the statue of Scorsese, our lives would be as slippery as... a pigeon on the roof!

(Pesto dances on a chimney, silhouetted, then falls in and yelps. The scene changes, and the Goodfeathers approach the Girlfeathers.)

*Bobby: Morning, Girlfeathers. Rrrrr!

*Girlfeathers: Morning, Goodfeathers!

(The Goodfeathers pick at the grass with their beaks.)

*Lana: You wanna tell ‘em, Sasha?

*Sasha: No. Kiki, you do it.

*Kiki: It was your idea, Lana.

*Sasha: Well, what are we afraid of? This is the deal, Goodfeathers. We decided we wanna get married and be egg-hatchers.

*Goodfeathers: Egg-hatchers?!

*Pesto: (to Kiki) You wanna be an egg-hatcher?

*Kiki: Uh-huh. An egg-hatcher.

(singing)

Egg-hatcher, egg-hatcher

I wanna be

Perched on a nest

So feathery.

*Lana:

Egg-hatcher, egg-hatcher

I'm in the mood

To sit on on my tush

And brood.

*Kiki:

Oh, Pesto

Ask me to marry.

*Lana: Oh, Bobby

Say the word and we're wed.

*Sasha:

Oh, Squit, Coo! (hits him) Make a commitment.

I want to be married before I'm dead.

*Girlfeathers:

Egg-hatcher, egg-hatcher

Don't wanna date

'Cause marriage is best

Build us a nest

Don't make us wait

We want eggs to incubate.

(The Goodfeathers all scream and run away. The scene changes to them on a seesaw.)

*Bobby: (spoken) Can you believe them girly birds asking us to get hooked up with ‘em?

*Pesto: Yeah, they got some kind of nerve trying to disrupt our bachelor-tude.

*Squit: Hatchin’ eggs, raisin’ little Goodfeathers.. (coos) I don’t know if I’m ready.

(The Godpidgeon flies down.)

*Bobby: The Godpidgeon.

(The Godpidgeon lands on the other side of the seesaw, sending the Goodfeathers flying into a sand pit. The Godpidgeon laughs, and the Goodfeathers spit out sand. They then get up quickly to kiss his foot. The Godpidgeon speaks.)

*Bobby: The Godpidgeon says that as head of the family, he feels obligated to amuse us with occasional teeter-totter pranks.

(The Godpidgeon laughs, so the Goodfeathers do too. The Godpidgeon walks away.)

*Pesto: A beakful of sand is not comical, is that comical?

*Bobby: The Godpigeon thinks it's amusing, it's amusing, y’know what I'm sayin'?

*Squit: That's one of the advantages of being Godpigeon, Pesto. (he and Bobby leave)

*Pesto: Coo... I wish I was the Godpigeon.

(singing)

If I were the Godpigeon

Cooey cooey cooey fettucini cream sauce parmesan!

All the time I'd (imitates Godpidgeon)

If I were the Godpigeon! Ba da bing!

Birds would kiss my toesies

Schmooey schmooey schmooey mustaccioli Vito Corleone!

Lord, show them I wasn't born to lose

Make me boss of all them pidgie-poos

I'd make offers no one can refuse

If I were the Godpigeon! Yeah!

(spoken) Maybe I'll do a little (coos) d'etat and take over the flock.

*Kiki: Hiya Pesto.

*Pesto: Kiki, if you are hovering around over here expecting me to ask you to marry me, then you can forget about it.

*Kiki: Puh-lease, Pesto, I don’t wanna marry you.

*Pesto: Oh yes you do.

*Kiki: I do not!

*Pesto: Dat’s it! You do wanna marry me, and you will marry me!

*Kiki: Okay. (flies off)

*Pesto: And dat’s final! (smiles, then realizes) AAAAAAAAAH!

(Pesto wakes up, screaming.)

*Squit: Are you freaking ‘cause you asked Kiki to marry you by mistake?

*Pesto: No, no, no, I had a dream. And you were there. (points to Squit) And you were there! (points to Bobby)

*Bobby: Alright, already, Toto, tell us the dream.

*Pesto: Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok. It started when I was perched on a graveyard.

(The three Goodfeathers are perched on a tombstone. A bird climbs out of its grave, and the Goodfeathers gasp. More birds come from around the grave.)

*Zombies: (singing)

A feather on your head

Coo coo quack! Coo coo quack!

We are the grateful dead

Coo coo quack! Coo coo quack!

We feathered up a nest

For our distinguished guest

Hello, Godpigeon Pesto.

(The zombie birds kiss Pesto's feet.)

*Goodfeathers: (spoken) “Godpigeon”?

*Squit:

You got it all wrong, zombies

*Bobby:

He's just Pesto

*Squit:

He's not Godpigeon, zombies

*Pesto:

Although someday I hope to be.

(The Godpigeon comes out of his grave, a zombie.)

*Godpigeon: Cooooo! Bauuugh!

(The Goodfeathers cower against a grave, then scream.)

(The Godpidgeon speaks.)

*Zombies: He says "You croaked me!"

(The Godpidgeon speaks.)

Zombies: He says he's angry! (quack!)

(The Godpidgeon coos. The Goodfeathers scream and then fall off the statue, no longer in Pesto’s dream. The Godpidgeon approaches them, and the Goodfeathers scream. Pesto kisses the Godpidgeon’s feet.)

*Pesto: I don’t wanna be the Godpidgeon! I didn’t mean what I said about takin’ over the flock. (sobs)

(The Godpidgeon speaks.)

*Bobby: The Godpidgeon says all is forgiven.

(The Godpidgeon speaks.)

*Bobby: He adds, pleasant dreams.

(The Godpidgeon walks away, but then turns around and roars at the Goodfeathers. Pesto faints. The scene changes to Sasha in a birdbath. Squit flies down next to her.)

*Squit: Coo-coo-kachoo, Mrs Robinson.

*Sasha: What do you mean by that?

*Squit: Nothin'. (clears throat) I want to tell you something.

*Squit: (singing)

Sasha...

*Sasha:

Squit...

*Squit:

Sasha...

*Sasha:

Squit...

*Squit:

Time to get engaged.

*Both:

We'll share a roost

And hatch a fam'ly

*Squit:

Even though you are middle-aged.

*Sasha: (spoken) That’s it!

(Sahsa jumps on Squit and attacks him. Both yell and fight. Bobby and Lana watch from above.)

*Bobby: (spoken) Looks like everybody's getting hooked up around here.

*Lana : Yeah?

*Bobby: Erm.. oh, Lana?

*Bobby: (singing)

Do you want me?

*Lana: (spoken) Do I- huh?

*Bobby:

Do you want me?

*Lana:

Do I want him?

The truth of it is

He's mortified

Petrified

Terrified

To say "I love you

Be my bride

I need you by my side"

*Bobby:

Do you want me?

*Lana:

Oh it's up to you.

*Bobby:

Then ba da bing bip bip ba doo!

*Both:

Okay, so we're betrothed

It's no big coo

But the truth of it is

I do want you

(A crane comes and lifts away the Scorsese statue.)

*Bobby: (spoken) The statue!

*Squit: They’re takin’ it!

(Pesto and Lana Coo, then gasp.)

*Pesto: What’s goin’ on?

(A loud noise is heard, a new statue is put in the old one’s place. All six birds fly down to look at it.)

*Bobby: They erected some other guy up over here!

(The Godpidgeon walks up o the Goodfeathers and speaks.)

*Bobby: The Godpidgeon says that it is a statue of Regis Philbin.

*Pesto: There is no way that I’m gonna sit on Regis Philbin’s head!

(The other birds all mutter in agreement.)

*All: (singing)

Regis Philbin

Regis Philbin

On TV

With Kathie Lee

Regis Philbin

*Girlfeathers:

We will not perch

On that big goof.

*All:

Regis Philbin

Regis Philbin

That bigshot

Screams a lot

Regis Philbin

*Pesto:

I'd rather be a

*All:

Pigeon on the roof!

Coo[]

*Pesto: Would someone please explain what that was all about? That had to be the most confusing, mixed-up, cockamamie script I've ever read in my entire beakin' life! Afazoul!

*Bobby: ‘Ey, 'o! Coo! Pesto! 'o! Coo down, bird!

Bobby: (singing)

Bird, bird

Crazy bird

Stay coo

Bird!

Beak it

Buzz it

Easy

Does it

Turn off the juice

Bird!

Go, bird, go!

But not like a dodo

Coo, bird!

Play it coo, bird.

Real coo.

*Pesto: (spoken) Coo! (laughs)

Randy Beaman[]

*Colin: You know what? One time, Randy Beaman’s uncle Roy blew his nose so hard that his brains came out. True. Kay bye.

Good Idea Bad Idea[]

*Narrator: It’s time for another good idea, bad idea. Good idea, giving a small child a balloon.

(Mr. Skullhead gives a balloon to a young girl.)

*Narrator: Bad idea, giving a small child a bunch of balloons.

(Mr. Skullhead gives many balloons to the girl, she floats away, and the mom whacks him with her purse.)

*Narrator: Good idea, taking up a new hobby like birdcalling.

(Mr. Skullhead calls a bird, which flies toward him.)

*Narrator: Bad idea, taking up a new hobby like buffalo calling.

(Mr. Skullhead calls a buffalo, and is trampled.)

*Narrator: Good idea, ordering a chili dog to go.

(Mr. Skullhead orders a chili dog and then leaves with it.)

*Narrator: Bad idea, ordering a chili dog that makes you go.

(Mr. Skullhead runs to the bathroom.)

*Narrator: Good idea, visiting picturesque McLean, Virginia.

(Mr. Skullhead takes a picture.)

*Narrator: Bad idea, visiting picturesque McLean Stevenson.

(Mr. Skullhead takes a picture, McLean flinches.)

*Narrator: The end.

Wheel of Morality[]

(The Warners run. They all stop.)

*Yakko: It’s that time again.

*Wakko: To watch Don Knotts videos?

*Dot: Like the incredible mister limpet?

*Yakko: No. It’s time to learn today’s lesson. And to find out what it is, we turn to: The Wheel of Morality!

(Yakko spins the wheel.)

*Yakko: Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn. Moral number 3. And the moral of today’s story is..

(He looks at the paper.)

*Yakko: People who live in glass houses should get dressed with the lights out.

*Wakko: Whoa, the mind boggles.

*Dot: How profound.

(Whistle blows.)

*Warners: Yike!

(The Warners all run away, and are chased by Ralph.)

Ending[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Wakko: Wanna see me make bubbles with my spit?

*Yakko: Sure do! In fact, that’s the theme of our next show!

*Dot: So don’t miss it!

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