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Randy Beaman[]

*Colin: Ok, one time Randy Beaman knew this creepy guy, and Randy Beaman says to him get lost, and so he did and then nobody ever found the guy. It’s true. Kay bye.

Theme Song[]

[The into begins with the shot of the Warner Bros.’ water tower. The camera zooms in to the shield of tower, of which the Warners open while singing and jump out.]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: It's time for Animaniacs and we're zany to the max

[The scene then cuts to Dr. Scratchansniff sitting in while watching a television; the Warners (wearing lab coats) appear and tickle his feet, sending him into hysterical laughter and Yakko sends Scratchansniff crashing into the floor with the lever of the examination chair.]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: So just sit back and relax. You'll laugh till you collapse.

[The show’s title appears with them singing]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: We're Animaniacs!

[Yakko and Wakko walk in a silly way along the Warner Bros.’ studio lot while Dot hops in.]

*Yakko and Wakko: Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot: And the Warner Sister Dot

[The siblings do a double take and run with Ralph the Guard chasing them a net]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

[Ralph locks the Warners in the water tower, but they appear on his head under his hat.]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

[They run away outside the lot]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

[They are hit by the show’s title with them singing again]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: We're Animaniacs [Dot appears posing on a stage and Yakko talks to an annoyed yak, who splashes his face into the soup.] Dot is cute and Yakko yaks. [Wakko eats food from a truck loading it into his mouth. This is replaced with reused animation from “Taming of the Screwy” in season 2.] Wakko packs away the snacks! We’ve got wisecracks by the stacks! We're Animaniacs!

[Yakko plays a bunch of characters from the show (mainly their 'special friends') like a xylophone. Pinky and the Brain are introduced; they are standing on top of the earth]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe. [The Brain turns on a huge magnet with an awestruck Pinky gazing at the power beam, before Saturn crashes into the two. The Goodfeathers are standing on top of a power line; Squit hugs Bobby and Pesto before they are hit by Slappy’s purse.] Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse. [Buttons chases Mindy across a steel beam, while Rita sings and Runt smiles while the Warners singing.] Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse. [Two writers in their office go crazy, Yakko and Dot throw away a script, of which Wakko eats.] The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

[The cast are then seen walking, and show their contracts]

*All: We're Animaniacs! We have pay-or-play contracts!

[In a lavender background, the Warners appear singing]

All: We're zany to the max [Backed up by the cast (colored in blue), Dot puts slices of Bologna in Yakko’s slacks, of which Wakko is pulling.] There's baloney in our slacks! [Zoom out with the cast singing in a dark-colored background] We're Animanie- Totally insane-y

*Dot: Here’s the shows namey

[The show’s logo appears one last time with the Warners singing the show’s title (zooming letters), proclaiming “Those are the facts.”, and the song ends.]

*All: Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

I’m Mad[]

(The Warners sleep in their water tower. Dr. Otto Scratchansniff comes in.)

*Dr. Scratchansniff: (singing) Wake up! It's late! It's twenty minutes after eight! Everyone get up, it's time to go! Up and at 'em now! Come on, shake a leg! Have some juice and scrambled egg. On the floor and out the door. Let's get on our way.

(Dot climbs down the ladder on the side of the bunk bed, which Yakko accidentally kicks.)

*Dot: Hey, watch out!

*Yakko: What’s the matter?

*Dot: You almost knocked me off the ladder!

*Yakko: No, I didn’t.

*Dot: Yes you did, I almost fell.

*Yakko: Aww, don't exaggerate.

*Dot: I'm not.

*Yakko: Yeah, right.

*Dot: Are you trying to pick a fight?

*Yakko: Will you get out of my face?!

*Dot: Well, you're always in my space!

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Hey, get off each other's case! Because we're trying to get along.

*Wakko: I want pancakes or a waffle. This tastes awful. Is that all we've got? Can't find my clothes and I need to blow my nose and my socks are full of holes and my shoelace has a knot.

*Dot: That's my toothbrush!

*Yakko: No, it's not!

*Dot: Well, it's sitting in my slot!

*Yakko: No it isn't, this is mine and that one's yours.

*Dot: Well, you're standing in my way!

*Yakko: Yeah, that's tough!

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Alright, now that's enough! Everybody get your stuff! Because we're going out the door!

(The Warners run in circles around the car, chased by Otto.)

Dr. Scratchansniff: Every time we get into the car, it's so much work! It takes us twenty minutes, while you're driving me berserk with your playing and your jumping and your running all about! When I finally get you inside, you always lock me out!

*Dot: I'm mad, I'm mad! I'm really, really, really mad! You poked me with your elbow in my side!

*Yakko: No, I didn’t!

*Dot: Yes you did!

*Yakko: Nuh-uh!

*Dot: You did and I'm just a little kid! You're lying! Don't deny it!

*Yakko: Oh, I’m gonna hit you!

*Dot: Yeah, just try it!

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Will both of you be quiet! ‘Cause we’re driving in a car!

*Dot: Ow! He hit me!

*Yakko: Well, she bit me!

*Dot: He said he’s gonna get me!

*Yakko: No, I didn’t!

*Dot: Yes you did!

*Dr. Scratchansniff: All right, that's it! Now I forbid either one of you to say another word!

*Wakko: Are we there yet? I'm tired. I'm hungry. How far? My nose is snotty, need to move my body, gotta use the potty, better stop the car.

*Dot: Stop it!

*Yakko: No, you stop it!

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Why can't you both just drop it?

*Dot: Well, he started it!

*Yakko: Oh, yeah, I'm really sure, uh-huh!

*Dot: Na-ah!

*Yakko: Uh-uh!

*Dot: It's your fault!

*Yakko: No, it's not. Your leg is in my spot!

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Yakko, you be quiet! And that goes for you too, Dot! Every time we take a trip, it's always just the same with the fighting and the biting and the calling all those names! Then there's pushing and there's shoving and there's scratching on the neck! When we finally get to where we're going! Everyone's a wreck!

*Warners: Yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak!

*Dot/Wakko: I'm mad, I'm mad/Are we there yet? I'm really, really, really mad/I'm tired. You poked me with your elbow in my side/I'm hungry.

*Yakko/Wakko: No I didn't!/How far?

*Dot/Wakko: Yes, you did, you did/My nose is snotty And I'm just a little kid/Need to move my body

*Dr. Scratchansniff /Wakko: Will both of you be quiet/Got to use the potty ‘Cause we're driving in a car!/Better stop the car.

(The four arrive at the circus.)

*Dr. Scratchansniff: We're here, we're here! Doesn't anybody want to give a cheer?

*Yakko: You mean this is where we're all gonna spend the day?

*Dot: At the circus?!

*Wakko: Hey, guys, look! They got rides!

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Now you're satisfied? Alright, everyone inside, and let's have some fun, okay?

(They all go inside. Later, the four leave the circus. The Warners cheer.)

*Dot: I'm glad, I'm glad! What a really great time we had! Did you see those lions and those tigers? Weren't they neat?

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Are you happy now?

*Dot: We are, thanks a lot! I'm sorry that we fought. From now on I'll get along!

*Yakko: That’s alright Dot, I was wrong.

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Ah that's nice, now come along, let's all get in the car.

*Dot: You can take the seat you like! You're always so gallant.

*Yakko: Ah, thank you, Dot, but ladies first, you take the seat you want.

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Everybody's happy now, we've had a real good day. Und now it's time to go back home! So let's be on our way!

*Dot: You hit me!

*Yakko: No, I didn't!

*Dot: Yes, you did. Stop it!

*Yakko: No, you stop it!

*Dot: Move your leg!

*Yakko: No, you move your leg!

*Dot: You started it!

*Yakko: No, I didn't, you did!

*Dot: No, I didn't, you did!

*Yakko: Started what?!

*Dot: You always start it!

*Yakko: Don't you cross that line!

*Dot: You're not the boss of me!

*Yakko: This is where the line is, right here!

*Dot: Oh yeah? Since when? Get out of my face! I'm the boss here!

*Yakko: Dr Scratchansniff, she started it!

Mime Time[]

*Narrator: It’s Mime Time. Today on Mime Time, finding an imaginary coin.

(The mime pretends to find and pick up a coin. He puts it in his pocket, but then policemen come up and arrest him.)

*Narrator: The end.

Bad Mood Bobby[]

(Bobby wakes up from his nest.)

*Squit: You ever have one of those days? Y’know, when you wake up on the wrong side of the roost.

(Bobby walks off his nest and falls off the building. He catches himself by flying, then is hit by a helicopter. He lands on the ground next to a piece of bread and tries to eat it, but many other birds land in front of him and eat it first.)

*Squit: You have to skip breakfast..

(Bobby tries to land on a telephone wire, but there is no room because there are too many birds on there. Bobby flies off.)

*Squit: You can’t find a perchin’ space..

(Bobby sits in front of the Regis Philbin statue.)

*Squit: And by the time you get to where you’re goin’, you’re in a pretty bad mood.

(Bobby is visibly mad. He grinds his teeth.)

*Squit: Bobby was havin’ one of those days.

(Pesto and Squit land next to Bobby.)

*Pesto: Hey, Bobby, old buddy, old pal.

*Squit: Hiya, Bobby. How’s it goin’?

(Bobby slaps away the other birds.)

*Bobby: Get lost. I don’t need no aggravation, so take a flight.

*Pesto: You in a bad mood, Bobby?

*Bobby: Why, do I look like I’m in a bad mood?

*Pesto: (gulps) I don’t know. Maybe you look like you’re in a bad mood.

*Bobby: So what if I am! (yelling) BIG DEAL, WHAT’S IT TO YA?!?!?! Go flap yourselves unconscious.

*Pesto: (coos) Nothin’ worse than when Bobby gets the depresses. Know the best way to get rid of the bad mood blues?

*Squit: Sure. I keep eatin’ till I look like Gary Busey.

*Pesto: That’s the worst idea you ever uttered, Squit. (slaps him) The only way to get rid of the bad mood blues is to laugh. So, we make Bobby laugh. You with me on this?

*Squit: Sure, Pesto, whatever you say. You’re the boss.

*Pesto: What’s that supposed to mean?

*Squit: I’m just sayin’ you’re the boss.

*Pesto: The boss? What, are you sayin’ that I’m Tony Danza? Is that what you’re sayin’?

*Squit: No, no, that’s not what I’m sayin’!

*Pesto: Oh! So what you are saying is that I am Bruce Springsteen here to wear a red bandana and sing born in the USA for you? Is that what you’re sayin’?

*Squit: No, I’m not sayin’ that!

*Pesto: You’re sayin’ that I am the boss.

*Squit: Yeah, yeah, that’s what I’m sayin’!

*Pesto: Dat’s it!

(Pesto attacks Squit. The scene changes to Bobby walking alone, and he stops in front of a pet store. The Warners ride behind him on an invisible bike, chased by Ralph. Bobby looks at a crow, and Squit and Pesto sneak up behind him.)

*Pesto: Laughter is contagious, Squit. So I laugh, you laugh, he laughs. Get it?

*Squit: Got it.

*Pesto: Fine.

(They go up to Bobby.)

*Pesto: Haha! Look at that bird! (points to crow) Funny lookin’, ain’t he, Bobby? (laughs)

(Squit laughs. The crow from inside comes out the door and kicks Bobby on his bottom, sending him flying. He flies into a light socket and gets electrocuted. The crow walks back inside.)

*Pesto: You still in a bad mood, Bobby?

(Bobby falls to the ground. He grabs Pesto, electrocuting him as well.)

*Pesto: I’ll take that as a yes.

(Bobby grabs Pesto and throws him. He turns aggressively to Squit, who sweats nervously. Bobby turns away, muttering. The scene changes to Penn Station, where Bobby paces on railroad tracks. Squit and Pesto watch.)

*Pesto: What a melancholy birdy. We gotta do something drastic. Squit, I want you to sneak up on him, grab him, and hold him, while I tickle him.

*Squit: He’ll annihilate me!

*Pesto: He don’t, I will!.

(Squit sneaks up behind Bobby and grabs him.)

*Squit: Don’t make a move Bobby. It’s not me, Squit, it’s, uh, some seedy sparrow comin’ to beak you out. So don’t look around.

*Bobby: Squit. I’m gonna whack you to Hong Kong if you don’t let go of my wings.

(Pesto lands and tickles Bobby with a feather. He laughs, but then all three are quickly hit by a train. Later, Bobby sits on top of a pile of trash in an all way way. Bobby sighs, but then noises can be heard. Squit drums on cans, and turns on a light on Pesto.)

*Pesto: Hey, how y’all doin’? I’ll tell ya, a funny thing happened to me on the way out here. I got hit by a train.

(Squit does a rimshot.)

*Pesto: You know what was in my mind at the time? My tail feathers!

(Pesto laughs, Squit does a rimshot.)

*Bobby: Oh, knock off the bad jokes, Pesto.

*Pesto: You think these jokes are bad? Then you should have been here yesterday, I was out of town.

(Pesto laughs, rimshot.)

*Pesto: I met an elephant the other day. And I knew he was from Tuscaloosa. Why? ‘Cause his tusk was loosa!

(Pesto laughs, rimshot. Bobby marches up to Pesto and grabs him by the neck. He reaches up and grabs Squit by the neck as well.)

*Bobby: You two give me any (incomprehensible) more today I’m gonna cream you like corn.

(The Godpidgeon is seen.)

*Bobby: The Godpidgeon. (drops Squit and Pesto)

(The Godpidgeon approaches the birds, who all kiss his feet. He speaks.)

*Bobby: The Godpidgeon says he wants that I should cheer up. Things could be worse. I could be molting.

(Pesto laughs.)

*Pesto: Molting! That don’t happen! Pigeons do not molt.

(All of Pesto’s feathers fall off.)

*Pesto: I molted!

*Bobby: (laughs) You’re bald as an egg, Pesto. A big-beakin baldo! (laughs hard)

(Squit laughs lightly.)

*Pesto: You think I am funny?

*Squit: No, I think you’re in a bad mood.

*Pesto: DATS IT! (attacks Squit)

(Bobby laughs hard at them fighting.)

*Bobby: Oh, I’m in a good mood now!

Randy Beaman[]

*Colin: Ok, one time Randy Beaman had to take baths with his brother, so one time his little brother took a Otto in the bathtub and now Randy Beaman gets to take showers by himself. Kay bye.

Katie Ka-Boom: The Blemish[]

*Mom: Katie! Katie, darling!

*Kaite: Coming, Mom! (runs downstairs) Hello, wonderful family!

*Dad: Well, hi there, princess!

*Mom: You look lovely for your date with Jared.

*Katie: It’s not a date, Mom, he’s in my study group.

*Mom: My mistake.

(Katie watches a fish in a bowl. She has a red dot on her head. Her brother comes up to her.)

*Brother: What’s that on your face?

*Katie: A pimple?

(She runs to the sink and uses a plate as a mirror. She gasps and her eyes glow white. She growls, her hair turns into snakes, and her pimple grows.)

*Mom: Oh dear. He we go again. Hit the deck!

(Katie’s Dad gasps and puts on a helmet.)

*Dad: Incoming!

*Katie: I have a pimple! I have a pimple! I HAVE A PIMPLE!

(Katie grows into a large green monster.j

*Mom: It’s only a small blemish, it’s nothing to get excited over.

*Katie: Nothing?! You call this nothing?!

*Dad: I-It’s just that we don’t want you to g-get upset!

(Katie roars, smashing through the doorway.)

*Katie: You think everything I do is wrong!

(Katie blows a hole in a table, her family ducks out of the way. Katie’s mom grabs a phone.)

*Mom: 911? Hormonal teenager losing it on Oak Tree Lane. Send reinforcements. Send reinforcements!

(The wall of the house is blown in, then the roof is blown off. Fireworks come out of the roof, then the roof falls back on. The inside of the house is destroyed. The family looks up from the pile of sandbags around the fireplace. Jared peeks around the edge of the door, where there is no wall.)

*Jared: Remodeling, huh?

(Jared strolls inside.)

*Jared: Um, is Katie ready for study group?

(Katie comes downstairs, human again. She checks herself in the mirror, then puts cream on the pimple, making it no longer visible.)

*Kaite: Okay, I’m ready. Let’s go.

*Jared: Your family’s nice.

*Katie: They have their moments.

(They leave and shut the door, which falls in.)

*Mom: She’ll grow out of it, won’t she?

*Narrator: (singing)

Her family knows that anytime soon

Their little lady Katie, goes Ka-Boom.

Good Idea Bad Idea[]

*Narrator: It’s time for another good idea, bad idea. Good idea, tossing a penny into a fountain to make a wish.

(Mr. Skullhead tosses a penny into a fountain.)

*Narrator: Bad idea, tossing your cousin Penny into a fountain to make a wish.

(He tosses a little girl into a fountain. She sticks her head back out, mad.)

*Narrator: Good idea, giving your dog a bath.

(He gives his dog a bath in a tub with a hose and brush.)

*Narrator: Bad idea, having your dog dry cleaned.

(He walks out with his dog, who doesn’t look too well, on a hanger.)

*Narrator: Good idea, playing horsie with your little sister.

(He rides around with his younger sister in his back.)

*Narrator: Bad idea, playing horsie with your Aunt Bertha.

(His aunt jumps on him, crushing him.)

*Narrator: Good idea, throwing a surprise party for your father.

(They surprise him.)

*Narrator: Bad idea, throwing a surprise party for your grandfather.

(They surprise him, he clutches his chest and falls over backwards.)

*Narrator: Good idea, playing cops and robbers in the park.

(Mr. Skullhead and a kid shoot fake guns at each other.)

*Narrator: Bad idea, playing cops and robbers in the bank.

(The police all point their real guns at him.)

*Narrator: Good idea, playing catch with your grandfather.

(He throws a football to his grandfather, who catches.)

*Narrator: Bad idea, playing catch with your grandfather.

(He throws his grandfather to a person, but his grandfather falls and his bones break.)

*Narrator: Good idea, playing the scales on a piano.

(He does so.)

*Narrator: Bad idea, playing the scales on a fish.

(He plays a shark like a piano, the shark dives at him. He gets out of its mouth, then swims away through the ocean.)

*Narrator: The end.

Randy Beaman[]

*Colin: You know what? Okay, one time Randy Beaman ate some corn flakes, but it wasn’t corn flakes it was his brother’s scab collection.. Kay bye,

Fake[]

(The Warners and Dr. Otto Scratchansniff are at the Burbank Wrestling Arena.)

*Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen! Let’s get ready to stumble this! This is the main event! Welcome to the Quarrelmania pro wrestling championship of the world!

(The crowd cheers.)

*Otto: (laughs) Ooh, this is going to be a real slam-fest.

(He looks over and sees the Warners wearing fake disguise masks.)

*Otto: Take those off.

*Yakko: No. We don’t want anyone to see us here, it’s embarrassing.

(Otto gets mad and takes all their masks off. They all gasp and pull paper bags over their heads.)

*Announcer: In this corner, Ironhead McCann!

(The crowd cheers. Iron hits himself over the head with a 500 pounds weight. Otto boos loudly.)

*Otto: Get out of ze ring you bum!

*Announcer: And, his opponent, champion of the world, the Belgium behemoth Lardo!

(Lardo takes off his belt. Otto has a sign that says Go Lardo, and the Warners try their best to not be noticed.)

*Otto: Woof! Woof! Woof! Why aren’t you woofing?

*Yakko: We said we’d come with ya, Scratchy.

*Dot: We didn’t say we’d enjoy it.

*Wakko: Besides, it’s fake.

*Otto: (gasps) It is not!

(The Warners all nod.)

*Otto: You don’t know anything about wrestling!

(The wrestling bell rings. The wrestlers pace around each other, and pretend to hit each other.)

*Otto: Ooh! That was a nasty.

(The Warners shake their heads. The wrestlers pretend to land hits on each other, but don’t.)

*Yakko: See? I told you it was fake.

*Otto: It’s not fake!

*Dot: He didn’t even touch the guy.

(Wakko nods.)

*Otto: It’s.. not.. FAKE!!!

(The entire crowd stares at Otto. Lardo comes from the ring, and approaches them.)

*Lardo: Who said fake?

(The Warners all smile and point to Otto, who screams and cowers.)

*Lardo: You wanna see how fake it is?

*Otto: Who, me?

(Lardo grabs Otto and carries him to the ring.)

*Otto: No, Lardo, really, no, no, no, no, no, Lardo y-you don’t understand!

(Multiple punching noises are heard.)

*Warners: Ooh.. eee.. ohh.. oww.. ooh.. ouchie..

(Otto is kicked out of the ring and lands face-first in his spot. The crowd cheers.)

*Yakko: Hey, I guess it’s not fake after all.

Ending[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Warners: Ciao, America!

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