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Opening Segment[]

(The Warner Trio is in a water body)

*Warner Trio (singing):

They call us, Warner, Warner,

*Yakko and Wakko:

Brothers

*Dot:

And sister

*Yakko:

Ain't she a dish?

*Dot:

And we taste just like fish!

*Warner Trio:

And the Warners stir up

Cartoon confusion

Causing contusions

Wherever they swish!

(Ralph collides with a buoy, Warners laugh like dolphins and dive away)

Theme song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-

Totally insane-y

Cockamamie

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Temporary Insanity[]

*Female secretary: (uses typewriter) A-CHOO! (walks to displaced table and brings it back) Mr. Plotz, I'm sick, sir. I'm going home.

*Thaddeus Plotz: (Bursts into room) Home? but- but- but who will do all my important little executive things?

*Female secretary: Here's the phone number for a temp agency, sir? Call them and they'll send someone over.

Thaddeus Plotz: Call them? On the phone? Eh- with all the little numbers and those buttons? But I-

*Female secretary: A-CHOO! I'm sorry sir, goodbye sir.

*Thaddeus Plotz: (angrily gets out of the room). 5. So I press this 5, here, is that it? No, now I say- wait, 4? Do I press this 4? Oh I can't do this by myself!

(telephone rings in water tower while Warner Trio are on a rollercoaster)

*Warner Trio: I'll get it! (run towards phone)

*Wakko: I'll get it!

*Dot: Let me get it!

*Yakko: I wanna get it!

*Wakko: No it's my turn!

*Dot: I wanna get it!

*Yakko: No, I got a turn!

*Wakko and Dot: (both fight over getting it first)

(while this happens, they all try to slow each other down)

*Yakko: Alright (fighting stops). Nobody gets it.

*Wakko and Dot: Fine!

(all start fighting for it again)

*Warner Trio: I'll get it!

*Yakko: Ahh! Look! The horror!

*Wakko and Dot: What?

*Yakko: (gets phone) Hello, nurse!

*Wakko: I never get to get it.

*Yakko: May I help you?

*Thaddeus Plotz: Oh, thank heavens. Finally. Well, this is the CEO of Warner Brothers, my secretary's sick and I need help over here because- who is this?

*Yakko: It's me, Yakko, and don't worry about a thing T.P, we'll be right over!

*Thaddeus Plotz: I must have dialed the wrong number! Stay away from me, do you hear? Hello, hello? Oh my, what have I done? Where's my aspirin?

*Yakko: Reporting for work, sir!

(Warner Trio kisses Thaddeus Plotz. Dot dusts the company logo, Yakko looks and Wakko sprinkles salt and pepper on the paperweight.)

*Thaddeus Plotz: Get back in your tower!

(Yakko and Dot pogo around them)

*Wakko: I thought you needed us to be your (scallecotaries?)

*Thaddeus Plotz: Never!

*Wakko: (eats paperweight)

*Thaddeus Plotz: And give me back my paperweight.

*Wakko: Okay, but you have to wait a while.

*Yakko: (kiss) Goodnight, everybody!

*Thaddeus Plotz: Eew!

(phone rings)

*Thaddeus Plotz: The phone! (runs out of the room, but the Warner Trio is there, Thaddeus answers the phone) Hello? Hello? I said hello!? Hello, hello? Wha- how does this work?

*Warner Trio: I'll get it!

*Dot: Look! Wayne Newton!

*Yakko and Wakko: Where?

*Dot: (grabs phone and touches buttons) Mister Plotz's office, may I help you?

*Wakko: I never get to get it.

*Dot: Yes, mr. Costner, Thursday 8:2 would be fine. Yes, uh-huh. Okey dokey you bet. Oh isn't that sweet. Ok, you bet, uh-huh, buh-bye! (puts phone back)

*Thaddeus Plotz: Well-uh I guess it wouldn't hurt for you to stay the day. To help me out.

*Yakko: You'll never live to regret it!

*Thaddeus Plotz: Heaven help me!

*Dot: Still holding, Mr. Schwarzenegger? Okay. Oh, I'd love that recipe. Aren't you a doll. Stay on the line. (clicks button) Still there mr. Eastwood? Please hold. (clicks button) Mr. Katzenburg? Oh, you'll be holding. (clicks button) Miss Pfeiffer, can you hold? (clicks button) Miss Fonda, take a big breath and hold. (clicks button) phew.

*Wakko: How come you keep putting everybody on hold?

*Dot: 'Cause Mr. Plotz is very busy, Wakko

*Thaddeus Plotz: Oh my heavens, it's a slow day. Wonder why I haven't gotten any calls.

(door knocks)

*Thaddeus Plotz: Come in!

*Yakko: (comes out of the drinking cup with a big stack of paper) Hello

*Thaddeus Plotz: Aah! Don't DO that!

*Yakko: I'm sorry T.P but these things need your signature.

*Thaddeus Plotz: Oh goody, I like doing that!

*Yakko: (gives T.P a pen) sign here, here, here and here.

*Thaddeus Plotz: By the way, what am I signing?

*Yakko: Oh well, you know, a little that, a little of this, mostly this (shows check of 80 zillion dollars)

*Dot: Mr. Sinatra, hold. (clicks button) Mr. Redford, hold me, (clicks button, notices Mel Gibson) Mr, president, get to work (puts phone down). Hello, Mel!\

*Mel Gibson: I'd like to see Mr. Plotz

*Dot: (jumps in Mel's arms) He's busy. Let's talk about us. (kisses Mel 7 times)

*Mel Gibson: Why don't I-uh, just wait? Nnng! (pulls Dot away)

*Dot: No, let's stay like this forever.

*Mel Gibson: (puts Dot on the table and walks away)

*Dot: He touched me, huh (love bubbles fly around her)

(change scene)

*Dot: (is on other side of sofa with Mel)

*Mel Gibson: (inhales)

*Dot: (goes towards Mel Gibson) Didn't I meet you on a summer cruise?

*Mel Gibson: Uh, I've never been on a summer cruise.

*Dot: Wanna go on one, I have tickets.

*Mel Gibson: Uh-huh, on second thought, I'll just call (runs away)

*Dot: I'm gonna marry that man (more love bubbles, sits down)

*Yakko: Here, here, here (forehead), here (nose), here (left cheek), here (chin), here (right cheek).

*Thaddeus Plotz: (realizes he has marker all over his face and wipes it off, pushes face in Yakko's)

*Yakko: Sorry, heep, I got carried away. (gets kicked out of office)

*Dot: What happened?

*Yakko: Mhmm (kisses check) We're rich! (loses check) We're poor!

(blackout, change scene, same area)

*Thaddeus Plotz: Wakko, I want you to make copies. Yakko, type this memo. Dot, file these. Well? Get to work!

(Warner Trio gets to work, Thaddeus Plotz closes door)

*Yakko: (types to the tune of "The Typewriter" by Leroy Anderson, each semi-quavers. Full stop means end of bar)

(click), (click),

(click), (click), (click), (click). (click), (click), (click), (click). (click), (click), (click), (click). (click), rest, (click), (click),

(click), (click), (click), (click). (click), (click), (click), (click). (ding), rest, rest, rest. (pshh), rest, (click), (click),

(click), (click), (click), (click). (click), (click), (click), (click). (click), (click), (click), (click). (click), rest, (click), (click),

(click), (click), (click), (click). (click), (click), (click), (click). (ding), rest, rest, rest. (pshh), rest, (click), (click),

(click), (click), (click), (click). (click), rest, (click), (click). (click), (click), (click), (click). (click), rest, (click), (click),

(click), (click), (click), (click). (click), (click), (click), (click). (click), rest, (ding), rest. (ding), rest, (click), (click),

(click), (click), (click), rest. (ding), rest, (click), (click). (click), rest, (ding), rest. (click), (click), (click), rest,

(ding), rest, (click), (click). (click), rest, (ding), rest. (click), (click), (click), rest. (ding), rest, (click), (click),

(click), rest, (ding), rest. (click), (click), (click), (click). (click), (click), (click), (click). (click), (click), (click), (click).

(click), rest, rest, rest. (ding), rest, rest, rest. (pshh), rest, rest, rest. rest, rest, (beginning 2 notes)

(music continues, Yakko continues typing with the same rhythm as above)

*Dot: (files the paper into dust)

*Wakko: (copies many pictures of his lower region, which eventually fly out)

*Yakko: (types with his ears)

*Wakko: Squashes the photocopier with a mallet.

*Yakko: I'm done!

*Dot: I'm done! (the paper is now all dust)

*Wakko: Me too! (has large pile)

(phone rings)

*Warner Trio: I'll get it!

*Wakko: Look! It's a big fat fanny!

*Yakko: (gets phone) Hello, nurse! Hold please.

*Wakko: I never get to get it.

*Thaddeus Plotz: Wakko? I need you in my office.

*Wakko: (walks triumphantly, raspberries, and leaves)

*Thaddeus Plotz: Sit down. I want you to take a letter.

*Wakko: Where do you want me to take it?

*Thaddeus Plotz: No, no, I mean I want you to write a letter.

*Wakko: O-kay, dear Santa, I have been ever so good this year, I would like a new mallet and a shiny brass anvil.

*Thaddeus Plotz: No, no no no, write a letter for me, for me!

*Wakko: Well I don't know what you want for Christmas.

*Thaddeus Plotz: (throws Wakko out) Dot, get in here. I need to dictate a letter.

*Dot: Just a moment, Mr. Plotz. (sharpens pencil using Wakko, who spits out pencil dust)

*Thaddeus Plotz: In conclusion, it is imperative that this movie be brought in under-budget and on time. Sincerely, Thaddeus Plotz. Eh, Dot, read that back to me.

*Dot: Read what back to you?

*Thaddeus Plotz: The letter I just dictated.

*Dot: What letter? I'm sorry, where you saying something?

*Thaddeus Plotz: (sees the note that says Dot + Mel and a drawing. The e is backwards.) Rrrgagh!

(scene change)

*Thaddeus Plotz: Yakko, can you take dictation?

*Yakko: Sure, boss

*Thaddeus Plotz: finally...

*Yakko: Where do you want me to take it?

*Thaddeus Plotz: (turns red) AAAAAAAGH! Why you,

*Yakko: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, take it easy, dad

*Dot: Who screamed?

*Yakko: He did. He just blew.

*Thaddeus Plotz: Get out of my life!

(phone rings)

*Warner Trio: I'll get it!

*Wakko: (blocks them from getting it)

*Yakko: Uh-huh (paints a door into existance, goes through)

(big fight, goes to Dot, then Yakko, then Wakko, then it gets pulled so much that the power lines get pulled to the building. Dot gets it, then Yakko, then Wakko, and the chord keeps extending)

*Thaddeus Plotz: Stop!

*Yakko: Time out!

(Warner Trio freeze in air)

*Thaddeus Plotz: When will this insanity end?

*Dot: When one of us answers the phone, silly.

*Thaddeus Plotz: I did not know that.

*Yakko: Time in.

(chord extends more. So many power lines crash into the building that it collapses. Phone continues)

*Wakko: I'll get it. Hello. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Ok. Buh-bye! (puts phone down) That was your (scelecotary). She's still sick. You get us for one more day!

(cinder block hits Thaddeus Plotz on the head, Warner Trio waves goodbye).

Mindy and Buttons intro[]

*Mindy: Buttons! Oh, buttons!

*Buttons: (runs towards Mindy and jumps, but falls down a deep hole)

*Mindy: He-he-huh! Silly puppy!

Operation: Lollipop[]

*Mindy: (giggles in joy)

*Mindy's mom: Mindy, let's get you in your harness and you can play out here in the yard. I got a treat for you!

*Mindy: Ok, lady.

*Mindy's mom: I'm your mother. Call me mom.

*Mindy: Ok, lady.

*Mindy's mom: Huh! Now, you should be perfectly safe in there. Here's your treat, hun!

*Mindy: Lolly. Thank you lady, I love you, bye-bye!

*Mindy's mom: Huh! Yeah, okay. Now Buttons, no treat for you unless you're a good boy. No misbehaving. And buttons, don't terrorize the mailman.

*Buttons: (agrees)

*Mindy: (plays around)

*Mailman: Hiya, Mindy.

*Mindy: Hi, mister man! (throws lollipop on truck) Lolly. (resists harness, reaches lollipop which drags harness with it.)

(Mindy is on the moving truck. Buttons chases Mindy, but collides with the truck at a red light.)

*Mindy: Buttons! Hehe, silly puppy!

(Greenlight. Buttons misses)

*Mindy: Okay, I love you, bye-bye!

(Buttons chases Mindy, but gets distracted by a fire hydrant and falls down into a sewer. The mail reaches the airplane which it is being dropped into. Mindy makes the lollipop unstuck and it flies into the mail.)

(The Warners appear on a pretend train)

Dot: (to audience) Hiya folks!

*Mindy: Lolly? Lolly!, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly

(Mindy goes in the door with the mail. The door closes and Buttons sticks to one of the airplane's wheels. It contracts and Buttons is squashes)

*Mindy: Eh, eh, eh, eh, Ehhh- oh.

(Buttons climbs from under the wing. to the top and opens the door)

*Mindy: Ooh. I push the button.

(The door is closed again. Buttons manages to stick to the plane and get in the door. Realistically, both would have died of oxygen-related illness, but cartoons can't die. The lollipop flies out.)

*Mindy: Lolly. LOLLY!

(Buttons grabs Mindy, so that he doesn't fall, but Buttons grabs the mail with his feet and uses the sack as a parachute.)

*Mindy: Lolly!

(Mindy is back in her harness and buttons is covered with mail).

*Mindy: Buttons, You so silly!

*Mindy's mom: Mindy? Mindy, is everything okay out there?

*Mindy: Hi lady.

*Mindy's mom: Call me mom. Is Buttons taking good care of you- Buttons! What is this? I told you to leave the mailman alone! Bad dog! Bad! No treat for you! Honestly.

*Buttons: (whimpers)

What are We?[]

*Dr. Scratchansniff: You are now hypnotized.

*Warner Trio: We are now hypnotized.

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Oh, good heh, now, when you wakes from sleepy time, you will no longer be zany, huh? You will be calm children, who like to sit and be really quiet. Now. Wake up! Are you still zany?

*Yakko: Only our hairdresser knows for sure!

*Warner Trio: (all kiss Dr. Scratchansniff)

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Stop that! Sit down!

*Warner Trio: (return)

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Nothing I try works with you kidses. I'm beginning to think you're not normal!

*Yakko: Us, wha- not normal? Why I'm as normal as the next kid

*Wakko: (upside down) Me two.

*Dot: (stretches head) Me three!

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Noo! What are you kidses? Look at you! With those ears and those tails. That's not normal! I mean, what are you?

*Wakko (singing): Well,

Maybe we are dogs,

Cute little dogs with ears.

Woof woof! (pant)

And little tails that we can wag

Hey! Lets go fetch his slippers and play tag!

*Dr. Scratchansniff:

Hey, get off of me!

*Dot:

Maybe I'm a cat.

Whadaya think of that?

A lovely cat that all the world adores.

And here's my kitty paws

With little kitty claws,

Which I like to sharpen on your couch.

*Dr. Scratchansniff:

Ahhh! Thats not funny!

*Yakko:

Maybe I'm a bunny

Hopping round here happy as I please.

Or penguins and it's cold, which makes you sneeze.

*Dr. Scratchasniff:

Ah-choo!

*Yakko:

I' ve got it! Of course!

Maybe I'm a horse.

I can live on oats and hay

And laugh and run and jump and play

And you can ride on me all day!

*Dr. Scratchansniff:

No way!

*Dot:

Hey, maybe I'm a skunk.

*Dr. Scratchansniff:

Oh, boy, you really stink!

*Yakko:

A dinosaur might be some fun.

*Dr. Scratchansniff:

But then youd be extinct!

*Dot:

Maybe were all insects.

*Wakko:

Do you like bugs and bees?

*Dr. Scratchansniff:

You kids are buggy in the head!

*Yakko:

Maybe we're giant fleas.

*Dot:

Maybe an electric eel.

*Wakko:

Or seal.

*Dot:

Get real!

Hey, wait a minute, I got it now!

*Dr. Scratchansniff:

You do?

*Dot:

Yes I do!

*Warner Trio:

We're not bees and we're not cats

Or bugs or horses or things like that.

What we are is clear and absolute.

What we are, dear doctor...

*Dot:

Is cute!

(The warner Trio all kiss Dr. Scratchansniff)

*Dr. Scratchansniff:

I'm sorry I asked.

End[]

(animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Dot: I can't think of the ending of this show.

*Yakko: I can't think of anything else!

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