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Theme Song[]

[The intro begins with a shot of the Warner Bros.' water tower. The camera zooms in to the shield of tower, of which the Warners open while singing and jump out. ]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: It's time for Animaniacs and we're zany to the max

[The scene then cuts to Dr. Scratchansniff sitting in while watching a television; the Warners (wearing lab coats) appear and tickle his feet, sending him into hysterical laughter and Yakko sends Scratchansniff crashing into the floor with the lever of the examination chair.]

Yakko, Wakko and Dot: So just sit back and relax. You'll laugh till you collapse.

[The show's title appears with them singing]

Yakko, Wakko and Dot: We're Animaniacs!

[Yakko and Wakko walk in a silly way along the Warner Bros.' studio lot while Dot hops in.]

*Yakko and Wakko: Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:And the Warner Sister Dot

[The siblings do a double take and run with Ralph the Guard chasing them with a net]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

[Ralph locks the Warners in the water tower, but they appear on his head under his hat]

Yakko, Wakko and Dot: They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

[They run away outside the lot.]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

[They are hit by the show's title with them singing again]

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:We're Animaniacs [Dot appears posing on a stage and Yakko talks to an annoyed yak, who splashes his face into the soup.] Dot is cute and Yakko yaks. [Wakko eats food from a truck loading it into his mouth.] Wakko packs away the snacks [The Warners paying income tax] We pay tons of income tax. We're Animaniacs!

[Yakko plays a bunch of characters from the show (mainly their 'special friends') like a xylophone. This is replaced with reused animation of Ralph T. Guard, Dr. Scratchansniff, and Hello Nurse from "Piano Rag", "Ups and Downs", and "De-Zanitized".]

Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Meet Ralph and Dr. Schratchansniff, say hi to Hello Nurse[The Goodfeathers are standing on top of a power line; Squit hugs Bobby and Pesto before they are hit by Slappy's purse.] Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse. [Buttons chases Mindy across a steel beam, while Rita sings and Runt smiles while the Warners singing.] Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse. [Two writers in their office go crazy, Yakko and Dot throw away a script, of which Wakko eats.] The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

[The cast are then seen walking, and show their contracts]

*All: We're Animaniacs! We have pay-or-play contracts!

[In a lavender background, the Warners appear singing.]

*All: We're zany to the max [Backed up by the cast (colored in blue), Dot puts slices of bologna in Yakko's slacks, of which Wakko is pulling.] There's baloney in our slacks! [Zooms out with the cast singing in a dark-colored background.] We're Animanie-, Totally insane-y...

*Warners: Hydroplaney

[The show's logo appears one last time with the Warners singing the show's title (zooming letters), proclaiming "Those are the facts.", and the song ends.]

*All: Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Super Strong Warner Siblings[]

(A set is shown for the theme song. There is no transition or title card between the theme song and here.)

*Director: And we’re clear.

(The Warners hop out of the logo.)

*Director: Hey, great opening, you guys.

*Wakko: Thanks, Bill.

*Dot: We couldn’t do it without ya.

*Yakko: Bill, it’s people like you working behind the scenes that almost won us an Emmy. Here, have a bag of money,

*Director: Wow, you guys are the greatest!

(The Warners smile, laugh, and nod. On the moon, a mountain is shown with a telescope coming out of it. A woman is inside with a pig and a dog.)

*Reeva: Oh those goody-two-shoe Warners! I’ll get them but how I’m wondering!

*Hogdar: Why don’t you send your warriors down there to fight the Warners?

*Reeva: My warriors of course that’s quite a plan!

(Reeva uses her wand to summon her warriors. They do various karate moves.)

*Reeva: Ah, my warriors! Do as I say and destroy the Warners goodbye!

(She uses her wand to send them away.)

*Reeva: So long Warners!

(Reeva, Hogdar, and dog laugh. Back on Earth, the Warners sit on a bench.)

*Yakko: (singing) And that’s what we call serendipity.

*Warners: (singing) I-P-I-T-Y.

(The children in front of them clap.)

*Girl: Gosh! That was great!

*Yakko: Thanks. Here, have a bag of money,

*Boy: Hey, I liked your song too.

*Yakko: Okay, sport. Here’s a fat-free yogurt.

(Magic strikes the ground, the warriors from earlier appear. The kids scream and run.)

*Yakko: Looks like trouble.

*Wakko: Let’s get them!

*Warners: Right!

(The Warners and the warriors perform various karate moves. The warriors flip backwards and run at them, but the Warners take out giant tennis rackets and hit them away. They land on a wall, and a poster is rolled over them.)

*Warners: Right!

(Back on the moon.)

*Reeva: Curses! Ah my warriors have failed to destroy the Warners! What should I do now I’m wondering!

*Hogdar: Why don’t you send a giant monster down there?

*Reeva: A monster of course I’m wondering what kind however!

*Alien: Perhaps this bug will do.

*Dog: You can use your powers to make it become a giant bug that’s what I’m thinking anyway.

*Reeva: I agree with your plan let’s do as you say! (grabs bug) Look out Warners!

(She makes the bug disappear. It appears on Earth, now monster-sized. It laughs, then falls backwards into a building, then gets up and destroys more buildings. The scene changes to the center for advanced mathematics.)

*Yakko: Therefore, if we isolate the variable for the quantities unknown, we are left with a quadratic equation for which there are only two real roots: 3, and a -5. It’s that simple.

*Scientists: Ohhhh.

(They all stand and applaud. The Warner’s watches beep.)

*Dot: Sounds like trouble.

*Wakko: To headquarters!

*Warners: Right!

(The Warners all jump into the air and land in front of the psychiatry building. They go inside to a room with many control panels.)

*Warners: Right!

(Dot presses a button, and a hologram of Dr. Otto Scratchansniff appears.)

*Dot: What’s up, Otto?

*Otto: There is a big bug on the lot!

*Wakko: Hey, what’s wrong with your mouth?

*Otto: It’s all fuzzy. Now, you see, you must destroy the bug before it destroys the Warner Brothers studio!

*Warners: Right!

*Yakko: Power of the blowfish!

*Wakko: Power of the anteater!

*Dot: Power of the platypus!

(The Warners transform so that their costumes resemble the animals they mentioned. The bug is seen destroying buildings, and people run and scream. The Warners arrive, and Buttons is hit by a mailbox. The bug sees the Warners, and tries to hit them with a piece of wood, but they dodge.)

*Yakko: Power of power!

*Warners: Right!

(The Warners go back into their water tower and press a button, turning it into a robot. It grabs a shield and a sword.)

*Dot: Let’s get this show on the road!

*Warners: Right!

(The robot walks.)

*Dot: There!

*Warners: Here we go!

(The robot throws the bug into a building.)

*Warners: Right!

(The bug gets up and breathes fire at the bot, which is blocked by its shield. The bug runs at the bot, but the bot pushes it into a building.)

*Warners: Right!

(The bot kicks the bug, the woman watches from her telescope.)

*Woman: Curses again! Ah, this never works!

*Wakko: Let’s finish him off!

*Warners: Right!

(The bot grabs the bug, spins him, and throws him into a building. The bug shrinks back to its normal size, and is crushed by the bot.)

*Warners: Right!

(The Warners hop out of the water tower and remove their costumes.)

*Yakko: Good job, super siblings! We’ve saved the lot from harm!

(Plotz enters, clothes torn.)

*Plotz: Look what you’ve done to my lot! Do you know how much it’s gonna cost to rebuild it?

(The lot is in shambles.)

*Yakko: Here. Have a fat-free yogurt.

(Plotz faints. The scene changes to the Warners back at the water tower.)

*Yakko: Hey, kids, playing with giant bugs isn’t cool. If someone wants you to play with a giant bug, just say no thanks. That’s cool.

*Warners: Right!

Slappy and Skippy Intro[]

*Warners:

She's a cranky old critter,

She's bitter, we warn ya.

She lives in a treehouse

In Burbank, California.

Along with her nephew,

He says, "Spew!"

He's cheerful

Then his aunt starts to rant

She gives him an earful!

She's grumpy, he's happy,

It's generation gappy.

Take a whirl with the squirrels,

Skippy and Slappy!

*Slappy: Ah, put a sock in it!

*Skippy: That’s my..

*Skippy and Warners: Aunt Slappy!

Nutcracker Slappy[]

(The sun rises. Slappy is sleeping in her bed, and turns away from the window. Her alarm clock goes off, and she smashes it with a shoe. She gets out of bed, looks in the mirror, and cracks her fingers and back. Her reflection sees her, then screams and runs. Slappy dances around in a spotlight in her kitchen. Skippy joins her, and they look in a cabinet, to find no food. They look in another cabinet, still not finding food. They look in a third, and find a single nut. Slappy grabs it and puts it on the table. Skippy picks up Slappy, but is crushed under her. Slappy gets up.)

*Slappy: Hold it! Stop the music there!

(She walks past the Warners to Charlton Woodchuck.)

*Slappy: What’s with the sappy music and the dancing? I don’t dance, don’t ask me. Wait a minute, you look familiar. Unappealing, but familiar.

*Skippy: Aunt Slappy, that’s the director, Charlton Woodchuck!

*Slappy: Baynarts! What’re you doin’ here, you old son of a hack?!

*Charlton: It’s Charlton. It was written in my contract that when I was old enough I’d get to direct.

*Slappy: Eh, Skippy has the same deal. What’s with 6 minutes of opening a walnut?

*Charlton: Don’t you see? It’s a parable about man against nature. The nut represents the struggle to achieve our goals.

*Slappy: (rips up script) There! My goal is achieved.

*Charlton: Let me put it this way, Slappy.

*Slappy: It’s Slappy, Baynarts.

*Charlton: It’s Charlton. Either you do this script or you don’t get paid.

*Slappy: (smiles) Hit it, maestro!

(Skippy punches the nut, then shrugs, Slappy looks at it closely, marks on it with a pencil, then pokes the nut with the pencil. She throws the pencil, then grabs a knife. She tries to open the nut, then does the same with a screwdriver. She tries with a crowbar, then Charlton grabs the script, and throws it down. Slappy tries using a nut opener, then Skippy comes up to her with boots. He stomps on the nut, then kicks it, and Slappy catches it. She puts the nut in a blender, but the blender explodes, leaving the nut. The two hit the nut with increasingly large hammers, then Slappy tires using a jackhammer. The table is broken, but the nut is still in tact. Charlton’s jaw drops through the floor. Slappy throws the nut against the wall, it bounces off and hits Charlton in the face. It then flies out a window into a frog’s mouth. The two go outside and look for the frog, then find it. Slappy tries to sneak up on the frog, and a man helps Charlton up back in the studio. Slappy tries to grab the frog, but it hops away. Slappy hops after it, and the frog hops again, and so does Slappy. The frog then jumps beside a bush, then Slappy’s hand sneaks up on the frog from behind. She tires to grab it, but the frog jumps in front of a tree. Slappy finally grabs the frog around the neck, but it gets away and lands on a lily pad. The frog pants, but bubbles come up from the water behind him. Slappy grabs the frog, and squeezes it until the walnut comes out. It bounces on the ground, and then Slappy runs inside and back out. She tries to hit the walnut with a skate board, with no effect. Skippy tires with a bike, and Charlton watches them from inside, crying. Slappy hits the nut with a bike, three cars, a van, a bus, a steamroller, and a tank. She then paints a big white X on the ground, and places the walnut in the center. She grabs Slappy, then is seen leaving an aircraft hangar in a plane. They fly into the air, and Skippy takes out a walnut cluster bomb. It falls and explodes, leaving a large crater. The walnut finally opens, but is empty.)

*Slappy: Hey, Von Stroheim, there’s no nut inside this shell.

*Charlton: Yes, exactly it’s the emptiness of our existence. That’s symbolism, that’s metaphor.

*Slappy: Yeah, but that’s not comedy.

(Slappy crams Charlton into the shell and closes it.)

*Slappy: Now there’s a nut inside.

*Skippy: Now that’s comedy.

*Slappy: You’re adorable, but that’s my line.

Wakko’s New Gookie[]

(Yakko and Wakko sit on a park bench. Yakko reads a newspaper, while Wakko makes various faces.)

*Yakko: Wakko, what are you doing?

*Wakko: Working in a gookie for the new season. You know, something funny, like my old one. (makes gookie face)

*Yakko: What’s wrong with your old gookie?

*Wakko: Nothing. I just wanna come up with something new, something fresh.

*Yakko: Okay.

(Wakko continues masking faces, until he settles on one.)

*Wakko: What do you think?

*Yakko: Uhhhh, it’s good, but it’s not really a gookie, is it? It’s more of a, uh, shmookie of something.

*Wakko: Really?

*Yakko: Oh yeah. Definitely a shmookie.

(Wakko gets up and starts to walk away.)

*Yakko: Where are you going?

*Wakko: To get some other opinions.

(Wakko is on top of a scaffolding with Michaelangelo.)

*Michaelangelo: Hmm, that’s not a gookie. A gookie’s more like.. (makes gookie face) What you’re doing is that. I’d call that a mookie.

*Wakko: (sighs sadly) Hm, well, thanks.

(The scene changes to Wakko on a golf course with a golfer.)

*Golfer: Hey, isn’t that wild? Look at that, that’s pretty good stuff. But I wouldn’t call it a gookie. That face you’re doin’ right there, that reminds me more of a Charlie Callas kind of.. chookie. You know, like that. To be honest with you, kid, I’d stick with the old gookie.

(The scene changes to Wakko in a house with a woman.)

*Woman: Oh! Yeah! Well, it’s delightfully charming, but not actually a gookie. Spencer used to do a face very similar to that. As I remember, he called it a zop-zip-zap-zippy! Or, some such thing. He had a way with words, that spencer. It looked a little like- (spits drink)

(The scene changes to a news reporter.)

*Reporter: Wakko’s got a new gookie, let’s see what America thinks. Detroit, hello.

*Caller: Yeah, really like the face, Wakko! But I’d say it’s more of a.. a nookie.

*Reporter: You mean like this?

*Caller: Exactly.

*Reporter: I agree, Wakko. Yuma, Arizona, hello.

*Caller: Hello, yeah, um, okay Wakko, I’m a big fan. But I’d have to say the face just isn’t working for me, bro. Sorry.

*Reporter: Burbank, California, hello.

*Golfer: Yeah, listen, I already told that kid to stick to his old gookie. Isn’t that wild? (laughs)

(Wakko goes back to the park bench, Yakko is still there reading a newspaper. Wakko sighs sadly.)

*Yakko: How’d it go?

*Wakko: I don’t understand it. Nobody really likes my new gookie. (sighs)

*Yakko: You know, Wakko, just because something’s new, that doesn’t mean it’s better. Everyone likes your old gookie! You should be proud of that, and not want to change it to just to come up with something new!

*Wakko: Do you really think people like my old gookie?

*Yakko: Yessire-bob-a-rooni!

*Wakko: What’d you say that for?

*Yakko: Oh, we’ll I’m working on a new catchphrase. Yessire-bob-a-rooni!

*Wakko: Well, it’s not really a catchphrase, is it?

*Yakko: Okay. How about, uh, got me ham?

*Wakko: Nah.

*Yakko: How about I feel so free!

*Wakko: No.

*Yakko: Don’t laugh, it’s paid for.

*Wakko: Nah.

*Yakko: My eyes are burning!

*Wakko: Nope.

*Yakko: I always wear cowboy boots.

*Wakko: Don’t think so.

*Yakko: Looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker?

*Wakko: Oh, no.

*Yakko: Slap my fanny!

*Wakko: Steven won’t like that one.

*Yakko: Don’t worry, we fade it out by now.

A Quake, A Quake![]

*Yakko:
This is the city: Los Angeles, California.
On a starlit winter's night,
When the moon was shining bright...
Back in January of 1994,
At 4:30 in the morning,
And without a single warning,
Something strange began to move the floor...
A quake! a quake!
The house begins to shake!
You're bouncing 'cross the floor
And watching all your dishes break.
You're sleeping, there's a quake,
You're instantly awake.
You're leaping out of bed and shouting...
*Dr. Scratchansniff: Oh, for heaven's sake!
*Yakko:
I ran outside with neighbors,
Their faces filled with shock.
That's because I'm standing there
In nothing but my socks.
Oh, a quake, a quake...
*Dot:
Say, it's all a big mistake!
*Wakko:
Just feel the ground go up and down!
*Yakko:
Won't someone hit the brake?
A quake, a quake,
Oh, what a mess they make!
The bricks, the walls,
The chimney falls,
Destruction in its wake!
*Dr. Scratchansniff:
I did not have insurance,
So I called them from the scene
And suddenly I'm listening to
An answering machine, saying:
*Yakko:
Too late! Too late!
You shouldn't ought-a wait!
So now you're stuck,
We wish you luck!
Here comes a 6.8!
Whose fault? Whose fault? The San Andreas' fault,
Cause Mr. Richter
Can't predict her
Kicking our asphalt!
Seismologists all say
Tectonic plates are in between
An encroaching crustal mantle.
*Wakko and Dot:
Yeah, so what the heck's that mean?
*Yakko:
It means A Quake! A Quake!
*Wakko and Dot:
Oh, really, yeah, no fake?
We kinda had that feeling
When the ground began to shake!
*Yakko:
California's great!
It's such a lovely state!
'Cause every lawn is sitting on
A continental plate!
Los Angeles had fires
And a riot and a flood
And then a drought and a recession
And then now we hear this thud
Of a quake, a quake!
*The Warners:
How much more can we take?!
*Dot:
We thought that we had seen it all...
*Yakko:
But this one takes the cake!
The dirt,
*Dot:
The rocks,
*Wakko:
And all those aftershocks!
*The Warners:
It's just the planet
Moving granite
Several city blocks!
(to the tune of London Bridge)
LA town is falling down
While the ground moves around!
We won't let it get us down,
We're Californians!
*Yakko:
A quake!
*Dot:
A quake!
*Wakko:
It's time to pull up stake.
*Yakko:
We're all fed up,
We can't deny it!
*Dot:
Fires, quakes,
And floods, and riot!
*The Warners:
We want someplace with peace and quiet...
So we're moving to Beirut!

Ending[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Warners: Go nuts!

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