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Previously on Animaniacs[]

*Plotz: Yakko, you can’t go this alone! It’s insane, I tell ya, insane!

*Yakko: Usually, that’s to my advantage.

(The scene changes, Wakko and Dot are at a control panel.)

*Dot: What do you got, Wakko?

*Wakko: I don’t know, but it’s big, and it’s headed straight for us!

(The scene changes to a reporter.)

*Reporter: Oh... my...

(Explosion. The scene changes to Dr. Otto Sratchansniff.)

*Otto: I, I just, I don’t think I love you anymore. I don’t know if I ever loved you.

*Mister Puppethead: (sobbing) Oh, Otto, I’m so disappointed.

(The scene changes to the Warners in an arctic lab.)

*Yakko: It’s gotten to the blood.

(The scene changes to a hospital.)

*Babe Ruth: Don’t worry, kid. I’m gonna hit a ball right out of the park just for you.

*Wakko: Gee, that’d be great, Babe.

(The scene changes to the reporter again.)

*Reporter: Oh... my...

(Explosion. The scene changes to a plane.)

*Otto: I think we’re losing altitude!

*Yakko: Scratchy, look out!

(They scream as they fly towards the Eiffel Tower. The scene changes to a judge.)

*Judge: I hereby sentence you to life in prison.

(Plotz gasps. The scene changes to the reporter in a helicopter. )

*Reporter: Oh... my...

(Explosion. The scene changes to Wakko in a room with a woman, who pulls up her sock. He gulps and pulls on his collar. The scene changes to a court room.)

*Man: You’re out of order, do you hear? Out of order!

*Yakko: No, you’re out of order! You’re all out of order! Don’t ya see, don’t ya get it?

(The scene changes, the Warners run away from the water tower, which explodes. They scream.)

*Wakko: I can’t believe it.

*Dot: Our water tower!

*Yakko: Don’t worry sibs. We’ll be back. We’ll rebuild. And we’ll make a brand-new water tower that’s... that’s...

*Dot: Exactly like the old one?

*Yakko: Riiiight.

Theme Song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

We pay tons of income tax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Ralph and Dr. Schratchansniff, say hi to Hello Nurse

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, we have no script, why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-,

Totally insane-y...

*Dot:

No pain no gainy

*Warners:

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Deduces Wild[]

(London is seen. In a building, a man, Watson, reads while the other, Sherlock Holmes, plays the violin.)

*Sherlock: Yee-haw!

*Watson: Yes, sir, well, yee-haw and all that, Holmes, but shouldn’t we be getting back to the case now? Mariachi’s sure to strike again soon.

*Sherlock: Yes, my old nemesis, professor Mariachi. His latest spree of petty robberies has me mystified. Bowling pins, automobile batteries, railroad tires, the odd pair of ladies' knickers.

*Watson: What do you think he’s up to?

*Sherlock: I’m not certain. I require some time to formulate a theory. Watson, no interruptions!

(A knock on the door. Sherlock answers, then looks down to see the Warners.)

*Dot: You got any used dental floss?

*Sherlock: What? No! (Slams door) What was I saying?

*Watson: No interruptions.

(Another knock on the door. Sherlock answers, it’s still the Warners.)

*Wakko: How about a yam shaped like Elvis’ dad, Vernon?

*Sherlock: Absolutely not!

(He turns around to see the Warners talking to Watson.)

*Sherlock: Huh?

*Yakko: Prince Albert in a can?

*Watson: Princess Di in a leotard?

*Dot: Prince Charlie’s in a tabloid?

*Watson: Wh-wh-who are you? What are you doing here?

*Sherlock: Allow me to deduce, Watson. The size, the coloring, the age... hm. Are you not the Warner brothers and their sister Dot?

*Yakko: I’m gonna flip all the cards, you are correct!

*Dot: Big whoop. He heard the theme song.

(Wakko burps.)

*Sherlock: I also deduce the little one just had a pepperoni pizza. (sniffs) With onions. Furthermore, you’re on some kind on little quest.

*Yakko: Correct again! But not just some little quest.

*Dot: We’re on the greatest scavenger hunt of all time!

*Wakko: Guess what the winner gets.

*Sherlock: I don’t guess, I deduce.

*Yakko: Well, I be big bad wolf. But enough of that. If we win, we get to do a walk-in on Baywatch!

*Warners: Hello nurses on the beach!

*Sherlock: Look, I’m very busy, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you out.

(Dot jumps into his arms.)

*Dot: Why, Sherlock, you big old boney-nosed man. I’d love to go out. Or are you just trying to take advantage of an old-fashioned American girl? You intercontinental cavalier, you.

*Yakko: It’s okay with us, as long as the chubby guy chaperones.

*Sherlock: I’m afraid I’m not making myself clear.

*Yakko: Wait. Allow me to deduce. You’re Sherlock Holmes, the great de-tec-i-tive. You’re highly annoyed at our very presence, and you’re about to give us lots of money to leave!

*Sherlock: No, I’m tossing you out on your kiesters!

*Wakko: What’s a kiester?

(The Warners are thrown out.)

*Wakko: Oh, that’s a kiester!

(Sherlock approaches a closet labeled disguises.)

*Sherlock: Perhaps to catch Mariachi, I’ll need to don one of my many disguises.

(The Warners pop out of the closet wearing costumes.)

*Warners: Disguise!

(The Warners are again thrown out.)

*Wakko: Kiester! I learned a new word!

*Yakko: That’s right, Wakko, and, thanks to you, so has half of America.

(Sherlock locks the door.)

*Sherlock: Now then, Watson, back to the case.

*Watson: Oh, Miss Fito.

*Fito: Mr. Holmes, Dr. Watson, luncheon is ready.

*Watson: Oh, super! I could eat a horse!

(He lifts the cover, revealing the Warners. Wakko has an apple in his mouth.)

*Yakko: Sorry, the horse couldn’t make it. How about three hams?

*Wakko: (swallows apple) Since you are at lunch break, can’t you help us with our scavenger hunt? Hm?

*Sherlock: Look, I told you already, I haven’t the time!

*Yakko: We don’t need time. Just this stuff.

*Wakko: A happy postal worker,

*Dot: Edible fruitcake,

*Yakko: A funny episode of Bonkers,

*Wakko: Seven swans a-swimming,

*Yakko: Six geese a-laying,

*Warners: (singing) Five golden rings! Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves,

*Warners and Watson: (singing) And a partridge in a pear tree!

*Sherlock: Watson!

(A mistletoe is seen over Sherlock.)

*Wakko: Uh-uh-uh! Someone’s under the mistletoe!

(Dot runs up and kisses Sherlock on the lips.)

*Dot: You're incorrigible.

*Yakko: No, he’s in London.

(Wakko does a rimshot. Yakko is at a microphone with a spotlight on him.)

*Yakko: Hey, hey, I got a million more just like it!

*Dot: Unfortunately.

*Sherlock: Stop it! Stop it! That will do! Look, I promise I will help you with your scavenger hunt.

*Warners: Hooray!

*Sherlock: After I finish my work.

*Warners: Awwwww.

*Sherlock: Now just, sit down and find something to occupy yourselves.

*Warners: Okay!

(The Warners walk off. The scene changes, Dot is doing her hair, Wakko is eating chips, and Yakko is playing paddleball.)

*Sherlock: Quiet!!

(There is still noise after they all stop. Sherlock looks behind him and sees Sherlock playing a jaw harp.)

*Sherlock: Watson...

*Watson: Uh, uh, sorry, Holmes. Old habits...

(The Warners make faces behind Sherlock’s back but stop when he turns around. They repeat this again, then Sherlock sits down.)

*Sherlock: Alright! Alright, you win! I’ll help you! I’ll help you with your scavenger hunt. What else do you need.

(Yakko takes out the list, Wakko takes out a bag.)

*Yakko: Let’s see. Um, so far, we’ve got the Maltese falcon,

(Wakko takes out the Maltese falcon.)

*Yakko: A lock of Yule Brynner’s hair,

(Wakko takes that out too.)

*Yakko: Burt Ward’s career,

*Wakko: Can’t find it.

*Yakko: Bowling pins, batteries,

(Wakko takes out a bowling pin, and the Energizer battery bunny.)

*Yakko: The Lusitania,

(Wakko takes out a blimp.)

*Yakko: Marlin Brando,

(Wakko tries to take Marlin Brando out of the bag.)

*Wakko: He’s in there. Really.

*Yakko: Railroad ties, and an odd pair of ladies' knickers.

(Wakko takes the two items out of the bag.)

*Sherlock: You know, some of those items, those are the very things that Mariachi has been stealing! You know what this means?

*Yakko: Uhhhh, he’s a thief?

*Wakko and Dot: (clapping) Good answer! Yeah, good answer!

*Sherlock: No. It means he’s on the very same scavenger hunt you are. What’s the last item on the list? We’ll catch him in the act!

*Yakko: A fat chubby sidekick with a curly mustache.

*Sherlock: Oh! I have one of those! Watson! Watson?

(He turns to see Watson being dragged out of the window.)

*Watson: (muffled) Help! Holmes! Holmes, it’s Mariachi!

(The four run to the window. They see Mariachi on a flying machine.)

*Mariachi: So, Holmes, we meet again. I do hope you forgive me for borrowing Watson! I shall return him right after we wing off to Hollywood for a very special episode of Baywatch! Check your local listings.

*Yakko: This always happens! Every time we get our hands on a fat, chubby sidekick, whamo! He’s kidnapped by a Scottish guy with a huge sombrero and a flying contraption.

*Dot: But he’s not getting away with it!

*Wakko: That’s our Baywatch episode!

*Yakko: Come on, sibs.

(They jump out the window onto Watson, who’s hanging down from the flying machine.)

*Mariachi: (laughing) I won. Yes, I won, I won.

*Sherlock: Correction, Mariachi, you’ve lost.

(Sherlock climbs up the cord with two policemen. Back inside, the Warners put Watson in a bag.)

*Watson: What? How did you get me in here when I was out there?

*Dot: Elementary, my dear Watson. Some things are simply worth the Hassel-hoff. (Kisses Baywatch poster)

Slappy and Skippy Intro[]

*Warners:

She's a cranky old critter,

She's bitter, we warn ya.

She lives in a treehouse

In Burbank, California.

Along with her nephew,

He says, "Spew!"

He's cheerful

Then his aunt starts to rant

She gives him an earful!

She's grumpy, he's happy,

It's generation gappy.

Take a whirl with the squirrels,

Skippy and Slappy!

*Slappy: Ah, put a sock in it!

*Skippy: That’s my...

*Skippy and Warners: Aunt Slappy!

Rest In Pieces[]

(Skippy watches a cartoon in his house. Walter Wolf hides behind a tree, and laughs. He lights a fuse.)

*Skippy: Come on, Aunt Slappy, get him! Blow him up! Quick!

(Slappy hands him a box of fireworks, with the lit fuse coming out of it.)

*Slappy: Happy birthday, pal!

*Walter: Gee, thanks!

(Walter realizes, then explodes.)

*Skippy: Yay, yay! You got him! You made him blow up good!

*Slappy: What can I say. I’m glad to be a role model.

*Skippy: Those old cartoons were great, Aunt Slappy.

(The doorbell rings.)

*Man: Telegram for Slappy Squirrel!

(Slappy clicks off the TV and gets up.)

*Skippy: I love how easy it was for you to get out of his traps!

*Slappy: I love how easy it was for me to get out of this chair.

*Skippy: And I love the way you dupe him and confuse him and bamboozle him, and, and, and I love the way you used to clobber him, and splat him! And blew him up! Until-

*Slappy: Walter J. Wolf has passed away.

*Skippy: Yeah, until he was a goner!

*Slappy: His funeral will be Tuesday at noon.

*Skippy: (gulps) You mean he’s really... dead? And you! You did all those terrible things to him!

*Slappy: Hey! Whatever happened to go get him, Aunt Slappy?

*Skippy: That was before I knew you were a murderer!

*Slappy: Suddenly my biggest fan has turned into Perry Mason over here.

*Skippy: Perry Mason? Join the 90’s.

*Slappy: What do you want, a modern reference? I’m old. Kids.

(Sid the Squid and Beanie the Brain-dead Bison carry Walter in his coffin. Beanie trips, and Walter falls out.)

*Walter: Hey! You wanna kill me? You better get it right or there’s gonna be a real funeral!

*Beanie: Uh, I don’t get it, boss. How come if you’re dead you ain’t all peaceful-like?

*Walter: I’m not dead, you trout-brain!

*Beanie: Guh, if you’re not dead, then how can you be talkin’ to me?

*Walter: Oh, listen you ninny, I’m only pretending to be dead so that I can clobber Slappy Squirrel!

*Sid: Just like in Pardon my Shift, 1942, directed by Scott Skellnik.

*Walter: Yeah, only this time, the whole ceremony’s gonna be rigged with booby traps!

(Sid and Walter laugh, but it turns to wheezing.)

*Beanie: Oh, boy, I wanna be dead!

(He jumps in the coffin, breaking it.)

*Walter: Not a bad idea. It might raise your IQ!

(The scene changes to the funeral.)

*Mary: This is Mary Hartless, at Woodland Hedge memorial park, to bring you the exciting news of another fabulous celebrity funeral, for beloved (incomprehensible) Walter Wolf!

*Dog: Now, he was a true one. Nobody could rig a booby trap as good as him.

*Rat: And he would have been an even bigger star if it wasn’t for that Slappy Squirrel!

*Crowd: Slappy Squirrel?! (Spit, wheeze)

(Car honks.)

*Crowd member: Look! There she is now!

(A limo pulls up. The Warners get out and open the back door. Slappy and Skippy get out, then the Warners drive away, being chased by Ralph on foot. Everybody stares at Slappy and Skippy as they walk.)

*Skippy: Gee, there sure is a big turnout for Walter Wolf’s funeral.

*Slappy: Like I always say, give people what they want.

*Skippy: Aunt Slappy, you promised not to say anything mean about him.

*Slappy: Yeah, I promised, but it won’t be easy. I’m delivering the eulogy. Get a good seat and go easy on the popcorn, your Aunt Slappy is about to win a daytime Emmy.

(Inside, multiple traps are seen being set up.)

*Beanie: Uh, should I let in the mourners, Walter?

*Walter: Sure. You remember what to do?

*Beanie: Uh, I light this firecracker, and give it to Slappy, and then say, oh, yeah, please hold this candle for the departed.

*Walter: Good. Now, places everybody! (Jumps into coffin)

*Sid: (laughs) This is gonna be some funeral!

*Walter: Yeah, hers!

(They both laugh, but it turns into wheezing. Walter lays down in the coffin, and Slappy looks through the door.)

*Slappy: If this wasn’t so sad, it’d be pathetic. Oh well, on with the backfiring booby trap bit.

(Slappy walks to the front of the room.)

*Slappy: Oh, Walter!

(Slappy sobs and pounds on the body.)

*Slappy: Walter, Walter, Walter!

(She sobs and hits him with clubs.)

*Slappy: Walter, Walter, Walter, Walter! (calmly) That stuff’ll look great in the promos.

(Sid guides her away from Walter and to the podium. An X is seen on the floor with a rope coming out of it.)

*Sid: We’d like you to stand right there and deliver the eulogy.

(Slappy sees the rigging of the trap.)

*Slappy: Hm, I don’t think so. Meh, the lights better over here.

*Sid: But you have to stand here!

*Slappy: Tell you what. I’ll stand here, and you stand there.

(Slappy puts him over the X, and he has to use all legs to keep from falling.)

*Sid: No, you stand there!

*Slappy: I stand here?

*Sid: You stand there!

*Slappy: Where?

*Sid: (jumps on X) Here!

(Sid realizes.)

*Sid: Uh-oh.

(The trap goes off. Sid feels himself, smiles, them splits in half.)

*Slappy: Wasn’t he great? Let’s give him a big hand.

(Nobody claps.)

*Slappy: Well, maybe that opening act wasn’t such a good idea. On with the eulogy!

(Skippy pulls his collar and gulps.)

*Slappy: (clears throat) We’re all here to honor the late Walter Wolf. I believe it was Don Reynolds who said it best...

*Skippy: (whisper) No!

*Slappy: So, I won’t bother. Walter is gone, but he wouldn’t want us to cry. No. He’d want us to laugh. He’d want us to laugh all the laughs he never got during his career.

(Skippy covers his face.)

*Slappy: Heh. Heh. Heh. (rimshot) There’s one.

(Skippy looks around at the silent crowd.)

*Slappy: Talk about stone-faces, I get more laughs on Easter Island. (rimshot)

(Walter checks his watch. He smiles, a time bomb is shown under the podium.)

*Slappy: I could go on and on about Walter, except I got a game at three. But I guess, what I’ll remember best about him, are his booby traps.

(She picks up the time bomb.)

*Slappy: Like this one. What a piece of work. I’m sure he’d like to be buried with it.

(Slappy throws the bomb into the coffin and closes it. She runs away, and it explodes, charring and cracking the coffin. It opens to reveal and charred and smoking Walter. He breaks into pieces.)

*Slappy: When I heard of his demise, it was such a... relief, really. Finally, that’s over. (rimshot)

(Skippy looks around in the crowd.)

*Slappy: But all seriousness aside, who can forget a man who created items like this? (Pulls out bomb) I’m sure he’d like to be buried with it.

(She puts in the bomb, which explodes.)

*Slappy: Of course, Walter had a comic style.

(Walter lights a fuse.)

*Walter: This one will get her, that Slappy Squirrel.

*Slappy: Needed everything in threes. Three mallets, three anvils, three bombs.

(Slappy takes out a large bomb.)

*Slappy: A nice one, eh?

*Crowd: (monotone) I’m sure he’d like to be buried with it.

*Slappy: Like a bunch of trained monkeys.

(Slappy puts in the bomb and closes the coffin. It explodes, sending Walter through the roof.)

*Slappy: Now that’s what I call en-bomb-ing.

(Wakko does a rimshot. Slappy laughs, and Walter falls onto the floor.)

*Walter: (sobbing, on knees) Stop! Please! No more!

(The crowd murmurs, Skippy stands up.)

*Skippy: Hey, he isn’t dead after all!

*Cat: Not yet, that old faker.

*Walter: Wait! Stop! I can explain!

(Walter runs and is chased by the crowd. He runs through the wall, followed by the others.)

*Skippy: But Aunt Slappy, how’d you know he wasn’t dead?

*Slappy: Skippy, how many times do I have to tell ya, there’s no dyin’ in the world of cartoons! Well, Bonkers.

(Beanie comes up to her.)

*Beanie: Uhh, oh, yeah! Please hold this candle for the departed.

*Slappy: Sure. (Takes it, walks away, then walks back) Happy birthday, pal.

*Beanie: Gee, thanks!

(The candle explodes, and beanie falls into a crater. A tombstone falls at the top of the crater.)

*Slappy: Now that’s, comedy.

U.N. Me[]

*Yakko:

U.N. me, we had a bag of fun

Down by the East Riverside!

That United Nations there

Drives away a fella's care.

183 countries meet

Down by the East Riverside,

New York, off 42nd Street.

*Wakko:

See foreign states with a grudge

Down by the East Riverside.

United Nations tries to fix

Wars, famine, and oil slicks

Boutros Boutros Ghali-gee

Down by the East Riverside

Leads the General Assembly

*Dot:

The gift shop will take traveler's checks

Down by the East Riverside.

German tourists were not rare

Buying T-shirts and flatware.

Ate pastry from Liberia

Down by the East Riverside

At the U.N. cafeteria.

*The Warners:

Took a tour with some Dutch

Down by the East Riverside

We had a guide from Japan

Who had a decent pension plan.

Saw costly artwork from Brazil

Down by the East Riverside

On which my soda I did spill.

U.N. me, we had a bag of fun

Down by the East Riverside

Saw flags on shiny poles

From lands with lofty goals

We'll beat our swords into liverwurst

Down by the East Riverside

But no one wants to be the first.

But then I guess it could be worse

*Wakko:

We could still sing one more verse

*The Warners:

U.N. me!

Ending[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Warners: ¡Buenos noches!

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