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Newsreel of the stars[]

*Narrator: "Newsreel of the Stars," dateline Hollywood 1930. The Warner Brothers studio. Here at the studio's new animation department, the artists toil endlessly to come up with cartoon stars. Ultimately creating three new characters: the Warner Brothers and their sister Dot.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Hello, nurse!

*Narrator: Unfortunately, the Warner kids went totally out of control.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy!

*Narrator: The trio ran amok throughout the studio...until their capture. The Warners' films, which made absolutely no sense, were locked away in the studio vault, never to be released. As for the Warners themselves, they were locked away in the studio water tower, also never to be released. Publicly, the studio has disavowed any knowledge of the Warners' existence to this very day...when the Warners escaped!

Theme song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

While Bill Clinton plays the sax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-

Totally insane-y

Here's the show's name-y

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Opening segment[]

(Water pushes out the nails of the pipe, allowing the Warner Trio to escape.)

Piano Rag[]

(music)

*Otto: The Warners have escaped! Catch them!

{Song Break}

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot (singing):

Lally-dally-loo, lally-dally-lee,

You can't catch us, we're the Warners three.

(Rita and Runt walk by. Ralph is by a trash can.)

*Ralph: Shushh...

*Yakko: Tag! You're it!

*Ralph: Yaaaaa!

*Yakko: (raspberries).

*Ralph: I-I caught 'em, 'Doc I-I-I-I-I got 'em.

*Otto: Good for you.

*Ralph: Good for me.

*Otto: You got ME, you big dummy!

*Hello Nurse: Um, there they are.

(They noticed the Warners running towards a concert hall.)

*Otto: Get them!

(The Warners push some people as if they were a pull door and pushed it close.)

*Otto: Ralph, you take the back. Miss Nurse, you take... my breath away. N-No; you take the side. Und (and) I'll go in ze (the) front!

(Warner Trio runs into a concert)

*Crowd: Yow!

*Yakko: (After opening side door) Goodbye, Nurse!

*Ralph: (From back door) I-I-I-I got ya

*Yakko: Not! (Slams the door on Ralph and then, the trio sit in the front row) We'll hide in here till the coast is clear.

*Wakko: Ooh, a magic show! This ought to be fun.

*Tympanini: Franz Schubert intended the scherzo to reflect the struggle between intellect and the creative process.

*Yakko: uh, -- I don't think he's a magician.

*Dot: Sure he is. This a just a set-up.

*Wakko: Hey mister, pull a rabbit outta your pants!

*Crowd: Shh!

*Yakko: What are you, leaky tires?

*Tympanini: However, Schubert was simply incapable of expressing such delicate nuance. But, thanks to my genius, I will perform this great work, not as the composer wrote it, but as he intended. Schubert's intermezzo andante allegro opus 9. (pianist hits middle c)

*Yakko: We're outta here. (The trio run off) 'Scuse us,

*Dot: Coming through,

*Wakko: Make way,

*Yakko Pardon us,

*Dot: Gang way,

*Wakko: Gotta go,

*Yakko: Pardon us,

*Dot: Coming through. (They stop, seeing Dr. Scratchansniff) Uh-oh!

*Yakko: Hit reverse sibs.

*Dot: Hgourth gnimoc,

*Yakko: Su nodrap,

*Wakko: Og attog,

*Dot: Yaw gnag,

*Yakko: Su nodrap,

*Wakko: Yaw ekam

*Dot: Hgourth gnimoc,

*Yakko: Su esucs.

*Usher: (Loud whisper) The concert has begun! Take your seats!

*Dr. Scratchansniff: Your mother used Pampers.

*Tympanini: Once again, the Schubert.

(Wakko eats popcorn before Tympanini can start)

*Yakko: (With his mouth full) Caramel [sounds like "Karmel"] corn?

*Wakko: Don't mind if I do. Taffy?

*Dot: 'Kay

(Tympanini taps his foot, his arm extended, the Warner Trio give him their food.)

*Tympanini: All of it.

(Yakko gives a bunch of it, which forms a giant mountain.)

*Wakko: (gulps as he gets gum from under the seat)

*Dot: Dis-gusting.

*Tympanini: The Schubert!

(Gum noise before Tympanini can play. Wakko's gum pops. Tympanini again extends his hand, and Wakko gives him his gum. It sticks to the piano.)

*Yakko: Now that's entertainment.

(Piano gets destroyed from too much force, audience applauds)

*Yakko: Very Pete Townsend-esque.

*Dot: Who?

*Wakko: Exactly.

*Warner Trio: Who-who-who-who-who!!!

*Tympanini: Yes, well... um for my next number, Ludwig Von Plotzburger's most compelling musical accomplishment. Regretfully, only as sophisicated ear as mine own can fully appreciate the sheer...depth of this masterpiece. Complete and absolute concentration is required. Von Plotzburger's pavan and dirge in C-Minor, opus 7 -- and 11. (plays)

(Ralph, Dr Scratchensniff, and Hello Nurse sneak up on the Warner Trio, who snore. Tympanini wakes them up.)

*Warner Trio: Bravo, bravo, bravo, bravo, bravo, bravo, bravo, bravo, bravissimo, more, more, encore!

*Ralph: Ah, so there you is!

(piano music starts. Warner Trio run away, and back away, towards Tympanini. The three nets come down.)

*Ralph: I-I-I-I got 'em now, Doc!

*Otto: Ha-ha! Good job Ralphie! Let's have a look, huh? Vas is das?

*Tympanini: Grrrrrr!

*Otto: But, where are the Warner Brothers?

*Yakko (singing and playing): 'Twas a guy named Joe from Kokomo

Playing that piano rag

*Wakko: He banged the keys with his head and his knees

Playing that piano rag

*Dot: He twiddled with his toes and he diddled with his nose

Playing that piano rag

*Warner Trio: And when the day was done he had some fun

Playing that piano rag

(applause)

*Warner Trio: He was playing that piano rag!

When Rita Met Runt[]

*Woman 1: Thank you; keep the change. (goes inside with Rita) Excuse me. I have to - uh - give uh - return uh -

*Rita: Spit it out sister.

*Woman 1: TAKE THIS CAT! It's just not working out. I thought I would like having a cat, I really did. I thought she would be good company, I need that. I just went through a horrible breakup.

*Rita: Huh, eww-man.

*Woman

WOMAN 1: It's just ... she's so independent. She would just sit and stare at me, you know, like she was better than me or something. You understand, don't you? I want a pet who'll come when I call, and cuddle me when I've had a bad day.

*Rita: Have a kid, lady.

(change scene)

*TV (woman): (screams)

*Runt: Woof woof, ruff ruff ruff.

*Man 1: Slow down! Slow down, will ya?

*Runt: Ruff, ruff. Pant, pant, pant. Ruff!

*Man 1: I spent 700 bucks trying to potty train this dog, and he still won't go on the paper, ya know? My kid really wanted a dog, but, but, this ... thing, has eaten every pair of shoes I own, and he completely destroyed a $4000 pure teak timber kids' playset. He chewed it to bits! Ohh, I hate dogs!

*Runt: Gosh, what a nice guy.

*Rita: Who's there?

*Runt: Where?

*Rita: All right bub, who are ya?

*Runt: My name's Runt. But my master calls me stupid -- what a nice guy! Uh, who are you?

*Rita: Name's Rita. First time in the joint?

*Runt: Yup.

*Rita: What'cha in for?

*Runt: Wetting on the carpet. You?

*Rita: Same as always, being too hip for the room.

*Runt: Oh.

(Scene change Yakko and Dot dance in the rain while Wakko runs from Ralph)

*Rita: Oh, here comes our ticket to freedom. Make with the sad eyes.

*Woman 2: I'm looking for something cute; something independent. Oh, that's it!! Oh-ho-ho, it's adorable! (Sees coughing rat) Oh, oh, oh, ohhhh! Come to mama.

*Rita: Humans. Go fig.

*Runt: Yeah, ain't they great? Who else would adopt a rat?

(Rita scratches "HUMANS STINK" on the wall)

*Rita: Ah, what difference does it make? Soon we'll be sleeping the big sleep.

*Runt: Yawn. I could use a nap.

*Rita: They're gonna gas us you baffoon! We'll be dead!

*Runt: I don't think I'm that tired.

*Rita: You're not a very smart cat, are you Runt?

*Runt: ...Nope.

*Rita: Well, at least you're honest. What's a human good for anyway?

*Runt (singing:)

They pet you when they're sad.

*Rita:

They smack you when you're bad.

*Runt:

When you're hungry they definitely feed you.

*Rita:

Yeah, on vacation they leave you with hardly no food. Ring a bell, dude?

*Runt:

(Whimpers)

*Rita:

Humans Ain't What They Seem to Be

They don't mean that much to me

No, not much at all


When you're little and tiny they pet your cute hiney

But then when you grow it's a simple no-show

It's "shoo shoo off this" and "don't you dare scratch on that"

If they call you at all it's always "dumb cat"


Humans Ain't What They Seem to Be

They don't mean that much to me

No, not much at all


But when it's all dark and quiet I try hard to fight it

But I dream of home then I won't have to roam

Someone to feed me and put me to bed and scratch me just so on top of my head


But I ain't gonna love 'em

Not gonna answer that call

'Cause Humans don't mean that much to me

No, not much at all

*Rita (speaking): Huh. (Pushes bars out with close to zero effort) Who knew? (Sticks paw out to Runt) Hey, uh -- it's been nice making your acquaintance.

*Runt: Um, if I made it, I'm glad it was nice.

*Rita: Uh, hey -- If you ever need anything, just whistle. (Runt whistles, Rita returns) Me and my overused cliches. (She picks the lock to her cage) Let's assume the apparent; you want me to bust you out, and if I don't, it'll play on my conscience like an out of tune accordion. Okay. But once I spring ya, you're on your own. I don't know you, you don't know me, deal?

*Runt: Woof!

*Rita: Woof? You're a... DOG!

*Runt: So are you. You're a good dog, Rita. A really good dog.

*Rita: I am a cat.

*Runt: A cat? A cat?! Where?! Where's a cat?! Where's the furry feline?! I'll chomp it to bits! Grrr, grrr, grrrrr....

*Rita: Oh never mind. Let's amscray!

*Rita and Runt: Uhh!

*Catcher: Break it up! Troublemakers, huh? Looks like I'll have to separate you two. (holds Rita by the neck)

*Runt: Woof! (Jumps on the catcher, Rita and Runt bust through the wall)

*Catcher: I hate government jobs.

*Rita: Hey Lassie, you can stop now. HEEL BOY! (gets thrown off) Unhh, dogs (slides down to the ground). That was a pretty chivalrous thing...you did... back there.

*Runt: Really? Gee, I-I'm sorry.

*Rita: Listen, whaddya say ... we pal around together for a while? You know, at least till we find a home.

*Runt: That would be terrific.

*Rita: But, when we each find a home, I don't know you, you don't know me, deal?

*Runt: Uh, I don't have any cards.

*Rita: Hit the road, Einstein.

*Runt: Hey Rita, look at all the trees, would ya, huh?

*Rita: What have I started?

(Runt zigzags between trees)

*Runt: Do other dogs know all about these trees? Hmm, huh, do they? I mean, this is incredible. Smell this one, Rita. This smells like cheese, definitely a cheese tree....

End[]

(Warner Trio runs to the water tower, Wakko gets a chair that transports them to the top. When Ralph tries, a big bag squashes him)

(animaniacs theme instrumental)

Warner Trio: Goodbye, Nurse!

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