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Theme Song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

We pay tons of income tax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Ralph and Dr. Scratchansniff, say hi to Hello Nurse

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-,

Totally insane-y...

*Wakko:

Chicken chow mein-y

*Warners:

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

Cute First (Ask Questions Later)[]

*Narrator: There once was a fabulously wealthy queen, whose beauty garnered mounds of glittering prizes. Until one day, her magic mirror told her that Snow White was even more fabulously cute! What's a queen to do?

(Later, the Queen took Snow White to Quick Nix, right next door is a graveyard.)

*Narrator: This spunky monarch snapped into action! Treating the beautiful but underfed glamour-puss to a five-star luncheon. (The Queen gave Snow White a burger with a poisoned apple on it) Hope you have a hankering for poison apple.

(Snow White faints. Just then, a brave prince and two dwarves came by and rescued Snow White.)

*Narrator: But wait, it's Prince Charming and the two dwarves to the rescue. Just two dwarves?! What a fabulously cheap cartoon! Soon after, the queen accidentally fell off a cliff.

(The Queen screams as she fell down a cliff and Snow White and Prince Charming head off to the castle.)

*Narrator: The new couple moved into the queen's palatial mountaintop condo and did a whole bunch of aggressive redecorating. But there was one of the old queen's knickknacks that pleased her.

*Snow White: Who’s the cutest?

*Magic Mirror: Cross the land, cross the sea, through the day, through the night The most beauteous lady is you, Snow White.

*Snow White: You’re so sweet! I love this mirror!

(Prince Charming was carrying a wardrobe and the two dwarves are seen sitting on the couch.)

*Narrator: Yes, all was bliss for the contented couple in their Camelot castle of cuteness.

*Prince: Snowy-poo, where do you want this? (Grunts)

*Snow White: Umm. There!

(Prince Charming carries the wardrobe near the suits of armour.)

*Narrator: But their high-flying lifestyle was about to come crashing down.

*Snow White: Now, who’s the cutest? (Laughs)

*Magic Mirror: Cross the earth, cross the skies...

*Snow White: Okay, all right, forget the rhyme part! Just tell me I'm the cutest!

*Magic Mirror: (Sighs) You're the cutest! Wait, this just in!

*Snow White: What do you mean?

*Narrator: Uh oh! Looks like trouble in paradise!

*Magic Mirror: In the order of fairest, you hold second rank. For there's a new entry. She lives in Burbank. And since she's a beauty, she's taken your spot. She's the number one cutie. Her friends call her Dot.

*Snow White: Hmm.

(And so, Snow White sends her two dwarves to kidnap Dot.)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

(The two dwarves grab Dot and carry her away.)

So just sit back and relax.

*Director: Cut! Cut!

*Yakko: What? Hey, where's Dot?

*Director: Well, that's just it. She... She was nabbed by two dwarves.

*Yakko and Wakko: (Gasps)

*Wakko: Two dwarves?! That's shocking!

*Yakko: Well, this is a fabulously cheap cartoon.

(Meanwhile, Dot was in a cell in the castle, drawing tally marks on the walls.)

*Narrator: Meanwhile, Dot wondered how long she'd have to endure this horrible torture.

*Dot: Actually, I was wondering how long I’d have to endure this horrible narrator.

(The door opens and Snow White and her two dwarves came in.)

*Snow White: What are you doing?

*Dot: It gives it a nice, textured look, don't you think? I've got matching drapes and a throw rug.

*Snow White: So you're Dot, the cute one. (A butterfly perched on Dot’s finger, Dot smiles at it) You cut that out! We'll see how cute you are, after being locked in the damp and not very clean dungeon for a hundred and one seconds.

*Dwarf #1: A hundred and one seconds?!

*Dwarf #2: Well, it's not very long, is it?

*Dwarf #1: No!

*Snow White: I'm impatient! I expect results immediately!

*Dot: You know, when you get mad like that, you get these little wrinkles.

*Snow White: (Notices the wrinkles on her face) My face?! It's your fault! We'll be back when you're less cute. (To the guard) And don't let her escape!

(They walk out and the guard closes the door.)

*Narrator: But bread and water were not on the menu for this classy convict.

*Dot: Oh, Mr. Guard Person, I'd like to escape now, please.

*Guard: Whoa! You're cute, man. You got this whole cute, "Don't-make-me-stay-in-here" thing happening, man.

*Dot: Please let me out of this cagey-wagey!

*Guard: You're working your weirdness on me, man. Your cute weirdness. (Dot grins at him) No. No way, man.

*Dot: Pleasy-weasy-weasy-wease!

*Guard: No!

(The guard unlocks the door and Dot steps out.)

*Dot: Don't try being this cute at home. I'm a trained professional.

(Dot runs off. She screams as the two dwarves chase after her.)

*Snow White: Mirror, mirror on the wall, am I the cutest yet or what?

*Magic Mirror: Uh, well…

*Snow White: Well.

*Magic Mirror: You know, when you get mad like that, you get these little wrinkles.

(Snow White screams and then, Dot bumps into her and they fell over.)

*Dot: Oh, those wrinkles are getting much worse.

(So, Dot decides to give Snow White a makeover.)

*Narrator: So Dot treated the aging ingénue to a madcap makeover guaranteed to turn any ugly duckling into a golden goose.

*Dot: Doll face, look at all these gray hairs. Is there something stressing you out?

(Snow White throws off the curls on her hair.)

*Snow White: We'll throw you from the tallest tower.

*Dot: For a bad hairdo? How about just forgetting the tip?

*Yakko: Psst. Don't worry, sis, we've got a plan.

*Wakko: A good plan.

(The dwarves grab Dot as they take her to the highest tower.)

*Narrator: And so Snow White escorted Dot to a penthouse game of Whoopsy-out-the-window. Have you ever seen such fabulous evil?

*Snow White: One…

*Yakko: Hold it right there! (To Dot) Told you we had a plan. We plan to build a tunnel under the English Channel connecting Britain to France.

*Snow White: Ha! It's already been done. It's called the Chunnel.

*Yakko: Chunnel?! That’s a weird name.

*Wakko: Sounds like a chocolate bar. Hey, who wants a Chunnel?

*Yakko: I do, I do.

*Wakko: We were gonna call it Mr. Timmy's Big Underwater Tube.

*Snow White: Knock it off! One, two…

*Prince: Honey bunch!

(Dot, Snow White and the Two Dwarves fell out of the window. Dot and Snow White are hanging on for dear life.)

*Prince: Give me your hand! Hey! Who are you?

*Dot: I’m Dot, the cute one. (A butterfly perches on her finger)

*Snow White: No! I’m cute!

*Dwarf #1: Ehh, I'm cute.

*Dwarf #2: I'm cute as well.

*Snow White: No, I'm the cutest. I'm the cutest.

*Dot: Calm down, people! Let's vote! Whoever thinks she's the cutest, raise their hands.

*Snow White: Vote for me. Vote for me! (Unfortunately, she lets go and she screams as she falls.)

*Dot: Isn’t democracy wonderful?

(Splash! Alligator chomp.)

*Narrator: And so Dot and the prince lived adorably ever after. Or did they?

(Prince Charming is lifting the wardrobe again.)

*Dot: No, that's not quite right. How about there?

*Prince: (Grunts).

*Dot: Hmm. No, no, no, that's not good either.

*Magic Mirror: Ahem. You know, you're not the cutest anymore.

*Dot: Oh, yeah?

*Magic Mirror: From the sky to the sea, to each land touched by winds. There are new reigning cuties named the Olsen…

(Before the Magic Mirror can finish, the Prince placed the wardrobe in front of it.)

*Prince: Phew. (Faints)

*Narrator: Outrageous! How fabulously cute!

*Dot: Now if we could just get rid of that pesky narrator.

Acquaintances[]

(The cartoon opens in New York and a ship sails in New York.)

*Officer: Name?

*Man: McLaughlin!

*Officer: Next! (The Warners disguised as Russian immigrants appear) Names?

*Yakko: I'm Yakkinowski!

*Wakko: I'm Wakkarotti!

*Dot: And I'm cute. Dottinovich!

*Warners: (Does flips) We're the Warnervanvonovitch-Do bro rub in chick-Smyth brothers!

*Officer: Too long! Yakko, Wakko, Dot! Next!

(The ship docks near the Statue of Liberty.)

*Warners: Hello, Statue of Liberty!

*Statue of Liberty: Oh no! Horrible little puppy children!

(She kicks the Warners and they scream as they go flying in the air. They land in a crate of feathers at the boating docks.)

*Yakko: Uhhhh. Next time, let's fly into LaGuardia!

*Dot: We've gotta find someplace in New York to stay until the Emmys.

*Yakko: Where in the world is Carmen San Diego staying?

(Carmen Sandiego walks by.)

*Wakko: Hello, Nurse!

*Yakko: Wait a minute. I know some folks we can stay with.

*Dot: I didn't know you had friends in New York.

*Yakko: Not exactly friends. They're more like acquaintances.

*Warners (Singing) Whoever made them think that this could be a show? Six trendies on a couch just drinking cups of Joe. They lead such boring lives But never fear, Because we're moving in for a month Maybe a year. Oh! We won't ever leave No, you can't throw us out! We won't ever leave You can scream; you can shout! We won't ever leave Our new acquaintances.

(The scene cuts to the Warners hanging out with their Acquaintances.)

*Rachel: Who are you?

(Audience laugh)

*Yakko: (Leaps into Rachel’s arms) I'm your dream come true. Someone with a life.

(Audience laugh)

*Yakko: Ahem. Can we please kill the laugh track?

*Dot: Your door was open so we thought we'd move in for a while.

*Yakko: Yeah, don't mind us. Just go on with your lives, such as they are.

*Wakko: Hello, skinny nurse!

*Monica: Well, actually, I used to have a weight problem.

*Dot: I’m sure! Have a snack! (Shoved a turkey in Monica’s mouth.)

*Rachel: Listen! You can’t stay here! (Pushes Yakko off the couch)

*Wakko: How about here? (Jumps on the bed) Boingy, boingy, boingy!

*Yakko: (Pops out of the shower) Or here?

*Dot: (Leaps onto Joey’s arms) I'll just stay right here. Anyone ever tell you, you look like Tony Danza?

*Yakko: Actually, did anyone ever tell you, you don't look like Tony Danza?

*Joey: Uh, thank you!

*Yakko: Who says caffeine rots your brain?

*Chandler: Do you know, like, how so not welcome you are?

*Yakko: No, but if you hum a few bars.

*Phoebe: (Hums, sings) Like, how so not welcome you are!

*Dot: Here, let me tune that for you! (Breaks the guitar)

*Rachel: Where did you come from?

*Wakko: We just blew in from the coast.

*Joey: On an airplane?

*Chandler: No. Actually, they blew in on a blow-dryer.

*Wakko: (Gets out a hairdryer) How did you guess? (Flies around on a hairdryer)

*Ross: (Gasps) Hello! Am I in the right apartment here?

*Yakko: (Rides on an invisible bicycle) You know, that's what I love about New York. Everybody leaves their doors open.

*Dot: Hey! That’s my bicycle!

*Monica: You guys are trashing this place.

*Dot: Don't be such a fussbudget! Have another snack. (Shoves a chocolate cake in Monica’s mouth)

*Phoebe: Wait. I'm getting totally weird vibes.

*Joey: That's just Ross' monkey.

*Yakko: You’re close! It’s Wakko!

*Wakko: (Leaps onto Phoebe’s arms)Hello, Space-case Nurse!

(Monica snacks while Yakko flips the couch over knocking the guys off.)

*Yakko: Listen, everyone, just pretend we're not here.

(The Warners get kicked out.)

*Dot: They're good at pretending!

*Ross: Um, Rachel, there's something I've been meaning to tell you.

*Rachel: And there's something I've been meaning to tell you.

*Yakko: Anyone for Scruples?

*Monica: (Grabs the Warners by the ears) This is our apartment and you're getting out!

(The Acquaintances get kicked out instead, as does Ross’ monkey.)

*Ross: Hey, if we don't have a couch to sit on and drink coffee. Well, what will we do?

*Chandler: This is so "what will we do." Imean, could this possibly be any more "so, what will we do?"

*All: Huh.

*Rachel: Let's just do what we do every night.

*Phoebe: Try to take over the world? No, that's Pinky and the Brain. What do we do?

*All: Nothing!

*Yakko: Sorry! We’re doing that in here! If you wanna come in, you're gonna have to do something.

*Phoebe: We've never tried that before.

*Ross: We've got to break down the door.

*Joey: To the apartment?

*Chandler: No, to the Follies Bergére.

(The Warners dance the Can Can.)

*Monica: (Gasps) My apartment!

*Dot: Don't worry! Have a napoleon!

(Wakko dressed as a Napoleon shoves cake in Monica’s mouth.)

*Ross: Ugh. This is never gonna work. How can two groups of people with absolutely nothing in common possibly live together under one roof?

*Yakko: Could there be a better straight line than that?

Singers: (Singing) Here's a story ‘Bout a group of slackers Who spend all day just slurping up caffeine ‘Til they meet The wacky Warners Who make their groovy scene. The Warner Bunch The Warner Bunch And we call them The Warner Bunch!

*Wakko: I'll take Lisa Kudrow to block!

*Ross: (Grabs Wakko) Okay, that's it. O-U-T!

(The Warners get kicked out.)

*Rachel: I thought they'd never leave.

*Phoebe: Look, the ugly naked guy is eating lunch.

*Monica: You just hate to see someone let himself go, don't you?

*Wakko: What will we do now?

*Dot: Yeah, where are we gonna find another bunch of single, semi-trendy New Yorkers who need us to brighten up their dreary lives?

(The scene cuts to reveal the Warners hanging out with some friends from Seinfeld.)

*Cosmo: What's the deal with these kids with the big red noses?

*Dot: We thought we'd stick our big red noses into your business for a while. (Kisses Cosmo)

*Yakko: Yeah, with friends like you, who needs acquaintances?

Here Comes Attila[]

*Yakko: The Roman world was in a mess The emperor wore a-

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Cocktail dress!

*Yakko: When in the year 441 came a guy, Attila the Hun.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Run away; here comes Attila Flee today; he'll sack your villa Run away; here comes Attila! He'll swipe your hogs and then your pillo'.

*Wakko: Attila was a nasty king. He and his Huns wrecked everything. He lived by arson and the sword Invaded France 'cause he got bored.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Run away; here comes Attila Far away; go to Manila Run away; here comes Attila He'll steal your socks and then your pillo.

*Yakko: I guess he had a thing for pillows!

*Dot: To a wedding Attila went Looking sharp like a Hunnish gent He ate a whole ox, then ate two, then passed away, but so would you!

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Come on back; farewell, Attila! Ate three ox, and got his fill-a! He wore shorts made of chinchilla His favorite ice cream was strawberry.

*Yakko: What can I say? It's not a perfect world.

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Attila! Attila! Attila Gorilla for sale!

Boo Wonder[]

*Butler: Master Spruce, your tea. Ahem. About Master Boo.

*Chicken Boo: Buk, buk, buk, buk, buk buk, buk-aah!

*Butler: I believe he's a giant chicken.

*Spruce Wayne: Nonsense. Boo is a brave and courageous crime fighter.

*Butler: Very well, sir! Oh, by the way, there's something on the television that might be of interest to you.

*Mary Hartless: The Caped Crusader's arch villain, Punchline, and his henchmen have taken over this TV station. He has yet to state— Oof!

*Punchline: Bring me the Caped Crusader and the Boo Wonder or I will bring chaos on Flotsam City by by programming endless reruns of She's the Sheriff.

*Henchmen: Ha-ha-ha. That's a good one, boss! (Laughs)

*Punchline: Grr! No, I'm serious! Bring me the Caped Crusader.

*Spruce Wayne: Boo Wonder, to the Guanocave!

*Chicken Boo: Buk-aah!

(Chicken Boo and Spruce Wayne head for the Guanocave, changing into the Caped Crusader and Boo Wonder, respectively. They drove off into the night.)

*Commissioner: Glad you're here. Punchline is up to some funny business up in the TV studio.

*Caped Crusader: Don't worry, commissioner, we'll take care of that fiendish villain. Right, old chum?

*Chicken Boo: Buk-Aah!

*Commissioner: Ahem. Caped Crusader, the Boo Wonder is a chicken. A giant chicken.

*Caped Crusader: Don't be silly! He's not a chicken. He's just the strong, silent type.

(The Caped Crusader and the Boo Wonder head for the TV station. Caped Crusader and Boo Wonder begin climbing their way to the top. Along the way, Dot opens the window and sees them.)

*Dot: (Sighs)I love a man in a unitard.

(Dot closes the window, and the Caped Crusader and the Boo Wonder continue climbing.)

*Punchline: And so the lawyer says: (Laughs) "Forget the subpoena. My monkey doesn't drive a Lexus!"

*Henchmen: (Laughs)

*Punchline: (Laughs)

Henchmen: Huh?

*Caped Crusader: Okay, Punchline, you've told your last joke.

*Punchline: (Cackles) Yes, Caped Crusader, quite right. For years, no one has taken me seriously. But now I will prove to all of Flotsam that I am a force to be reckoned with. I will reveal the deep, dark secret of the dynamic duo. The Boo Wonder is a chicken.

(Everyone laughs.)

*Henchmen: Well, that's a good one, boss.

*Punchline: No, no, no, I'm serious.

*Caped Crusader: Why does everyone keep saying that? He is not a chicken.

(What follows is an epic battle for truth, justice and the American Way.)

*Punchline: Get them, boys!

*Chicken Boo: Buk-Aah!

*Henchmen: (Grunts)

*Chicken Boo: (Clucks)

*Punchline: (Laughs) At last.

*Caped Crusader: The joke's on you, Punchline!

(Punchline and his men get tied up.)

*Punchline: Drat!

(Chicken Boo salutes, the Caped Crusader salutes back. Soon, they hand Punchline to the police.)

*Commissioner: A job well done!

*Caped Crusader: I couldn't have done it without my resourceful partner, the Boo Wonder.

*Chicken Boo: Buk-Aah!

*Caped Crusader: (Gasps)

*Chicken Boo: (Clucks)

*Punchline: I told you he's a chicken.

*Caped Crusader: Holy drumsticks! You really are a chicken. Grr!

(Chicken Boo gets kicked into the atmosphere.)

*Chicken Boo: (Clucks)

*Narrator (singing):

You wear a disguise to look like human guys

But you're not a man

You're a chicken Boo

End[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Warners: Sayonara!

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