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Newsreel of the Stars[]

Narrator: "Newsreel of the Stars", dateline Hollywood 1930. The Warner Brothers studio. Here at the studio's new animation department, the artists toil endlessly to come up with cartoon stars. Ultimately creating three new characters:  [The Animator draws a wise-cracking, smart-and-fast-talking, oldest sibling with pants with a black belt, a very sweet-natured, loving, laughable, and positive middle sibling with a backwards baseball cap and a pale turtleneck sweater and a cute and sassy youngest sibling with a skirt with a flower ribbon. Then he gets a red marker and paints them on their noses] the Warner Brothers and their sister Dot.

[They jump out of the paper and Dot sits on The Animator and the wise-cracking kid and the laughable kid jumps on The Nurse].

Yakko, Wakko and Dot: Hello, nurse!

Narrator: Unfortunately, the Warner kids went totally out of control.

[The Trio runs off]

Yakko, Wakko and Dot: [bouncing down the stairs] Boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy!

Narrator: The trio ran amok throughout the studio...until their capture. The Warners' films, which made absolutely no sense, were locked away in the studio vault, never to be released. As for the Warners themselves, they were locked away in the studio water tower, also never to be released. Publicly, the studio has disavowed any knowledge of the Warners' existence to this very day...when the Warners escaped!

Theme Song[]

(music)

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax.

You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs!

*Yakko and Wakko:

Come join the Warner Brothers

*Dot:

And the Warner Sister Dot

*Yakko, Wakko and Dot:

Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot.

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.

Wakko packs away the snacks

We pay tons of income tax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Ralph and Dr. Schratchansniff, say hi to Hello Nurse

Goodfeathers flock together, Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy, while Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, We have no script, Why bother to rehearse?

*All:

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max

There's baloney in our slacks!

We're Animanie-,

Totally insane-y...

*Dot:

Here's the show's name-y

*Warners:

Animaniacs! Those are the facts!

The Carpool[]

*Jan: Morning, Phil!

*Phil: Morning, Jan!

*Ed: Morning, Phil! Morning, Jan!

*Both: Morning, Ed!

*Phil: Um, anybody know the new carpoolers?

*Jan: No. We're supposed to pick them up in front of a water tower. It's around the corner.

(They pull near the Water Tower. They looked around until Phil honked the horn.)

*Warners: (Slide down to the bottom and get in the car) We're on our way! Hold on! We'll be right there! We'll be right there! We're coming!

*Wakko: Excuse me.

*Dot: Morning, Jan!

*Ed: Hey.

*Yakko: Sorry about that!

*Wakko: Hi, Ed!

*Dot: Oops. Coming through!

*Yakko: How's the missus, Phil?

*Wakko: Look out!

*Dot: Oh. Pardon me. My fault. Super.

*Wakko: Good to see you, guys. Heh-heh.

(The Warners sit next to Ed.)

*Dot: Do you mind if I sit over there?

*Yakko: Not at all! Excuse me, Ed!

*Dot: Sorry about that.

*Yakko: Coming through!

*Dot: Here we go!

*Ed: Unh!

*Yakko: Interesting tie!

*Wakko: Dot, I think I'd rather sit next to the window. Do you mind?

*Dot: No, go right ahead.

*Wakko: Excuse me, Ed.

*Dot: One more time.

*Wakko: Coming through. I love a room with a view.

*Dot: Look out.

*Ed: Knock it off! We're in a car here. Just pick your seats.

*Wakko: Will they let us do that on TV?

*Yakko: Good night, everybody!

*Ed: Forget it. Look, you wanna sit here? Fine, I'll move over. You can sit there and you can sit next to the window, okay? Everyone happy? Is there anything else you'd like?

*Yakko: Yeah. My breakfast. I have a bagel with cream cheese on it.

*Ed: So?

*Yakko: So you're sitting on it, Ed!

*Ed: Oh! Ugh! These pants were just cleaned.

*Yakko: Are you sure?

*Ed: Yes!

*Yakko: Okay then! (Eats the bagel) Oh, did you want a bite?

*Ed: Just drive, Phil, okay? Just drive.

(They drove off. Ed looks at a newspaper.)

*Yakko: Say, Ed, are you reading the business section right now?

*Ed: Well. I…

*Yakko: (Takes a page) Thanks!

*Wakko: (Takes another page)How about the funnies?

*Ed: Huh?

*Dot: Can I see entertainment?

*Yakko: Do you have sports?

*Wakko: Classified?

*Dot: Metro?

*Yakko: Do you have the front page? Thanks!

*Ed: All right, enough! Now, just let me read my paper in peace. Huh? Hey. I didn't get any paper at all.

*Yakko: Oh, I'm sorry! Here you go. And there's plenty more where that came from.

*Ed: Grr!

*Wakko: (Laughs).

*Yakko: What's Wakko looking at, the funnies?

*Dot: No, it's a picture in the business section of Ted Turner.

*Wakko: (Laughs).

*Yakko: Let me see that.

*Yakko and Wakko: (Laughs).

*Yakko: Oh, look at him. What's he doing?

*Ed: Give me those back! You can read it when I'm done.

*Dot: I'm already done. I just wanted the coupons.

(Ed crumples up the paper in furious.)

*Wakko: Are you gonna eat that, Ed?

*Ed: What? No!

*Wakko: May I?

*Ed: No! Why would you eat it?

*Wakko: It's just my own special way of recycling.

*Ed: Ugh! Leave me alone!

*Dot: (Struggles with her seatbelt) Excuse me, Ed, but I think you have my seat belt.

*Yakko: No, I think that one's yours.

*Dot: But it won't snap in.

*Wakko: Maybe I have yours.

*Dot: No, yours would be over there. This one's mine.

*Yakko: Why don't you try this one?

*Dot: All right, here we go!

*Yakko: Okay, let's go! Come on!

*Dot: All right, I've seen this done professionally.

*Ed: All right, that's it! Phil, stop the car!

(Phil stops the car. Ed gets out holding Yakko and Dot.)

*Ed: Jan, would you please switch?

(Jan gets out.)

*Ed: You two in front! (Tosses Yakko and Dot in the front seat)

*Dot: Yeah!

*Yakko: (Sighs)

*Ed: Jan, get in the back with me!

*Jan: Oh, for goodness' sake, Ed, don't have a hissy fit.

*Wakko: Hello, business lady nurse!

*Ed: Let's go!

(Phil starts driving again.)

*Yakko: Hey, this is neat!

*Dot: What's this button do?

(Dot presses the button and it caused their seat to move backwards towards Ed.)

*Ed: Unh!

*Yakko: Oh. Oh, yeah. That's a lot better. Would you look at all the leg room?

*Dot: Hey, look at this one!

(Dot presses the button and the seat hits Ed.)

*Ed: Whoa!

*Yakko: Oh, that's handy.

*Dot: Yeah, it can recline all the way back.

(The seat moves back into position.)

*Ed: (Groaning)

*Yakko: Here, let me try!

(Yakko starts playing with the buttons as the seat Ed is sitting sends him into a crazy fit.)

*Ed: (YELLING AND GRUNTING)

(The car stops again.)

*Ed: You two, out! In back, now! (Tosses Yakko and Dot in the backseat)

*Dot: Gee, I wish he'd make up his mind.

*Yakko: You know, Ed seems tense.

(Ed gets in front and adjusts himself.)

*Ed: Drive, Phil. Drive.

(Phil starts driving again.)

*Ed: Finally, I can read my paper in peace.

*Wakko: I have to go to the potty.

*Ed: Why didn't you go before you got in the car?

*Wakko: I did.

*Ed: And you have to go again?

*Wakko: No!

*Jan: Then what's the problem?

*Wakko: I'm gonna be carsick!

(The car stops and everyone but Wakko evacuates immediately.)

*Ed: Let me out of here!

*Phil: Run! He's gonna blow! Hurry up, get out.

*Wakko: Never mind. It's okay now!

*Ed: Are you sure?

*Wakko: Yep!

*Phil: You're not gonna throw up in the car?

*Wakko: No!

(Everyone got back in the car.)

*Jan: How do you know?

*Wakko: Because I already did!

(They screamed and evacuated the car again.)

*Phil: Did he get it on the carpet?

*Yakko: No, just your seat.

*Phil: I hate carpooling.

(Later, they had to get everything cleaned up at the local car wash.)

*Ed: All right! Everybody, just sit here quietly now and no trading places, no throwing up, no nothing.

*Wakko: Can we turn on the radio?

*All: No!

*Dot: Can we roll down the window?

*All: No!

*Yakko: How about we play a game?

*Ed: No... Well, I guess that'd be all right. What do you wanna play? Twenty questions?

*Yakko: No, tag. You're it.

*Dot: No, you're it. No, no, no.

*Phil: Quiet!

*Wakko: You're it!

*Phil: Whoa! Get off of me.

*All: Whoo! Whoo!

[HORNS HONKING]

*Phil: (Grunts)

*Ed: Aah!

*All: Whoo!

*Phil: (Sighs) Aah! (Stops the car. Grabs Wakko) Don't you ever do that again. (Tosses Wakko in the back) Now, everybody take their seats and if I hear a peep out of anyone, I am going to...

[HORN HONKING]

*Phil: Grr! Hold your horses, will ya? Now, nobody gets out of their seats for anything. Do you understand?

[HORN HONKING]

*Phil: Knock it off, you hear me? Knock off that stupid honking or I'm gonna come back there and I'm gonna make you stop!

[HORN HONKING]

*Phil: All right, that is it! You wanna honk your horn? Come out of there, buddy! You want a piece of me? Come on, get out of the car! Get out of the...! (Bumps into a policeman, gasps) Hey!

(The scene cuts to the Corporate Business Park. Jan, Phil and Ed are bruised and battered from their unexpected encounter.)

Warners: Thanks for the ride!

*Yskko: Yeah, that was really fun! And it's great that your friends had the money to cover bail.

*Phil: (Grunts)

*Dot: We've gotta be heading back home now.

*Wakko: Bye-bye!

*Phil: Home?

*Ed: What do you mean?

*Jan: Aren't you going to work?

*Wakko: No, we don't have real jobs.

*Dot: We're just kids.

*Ed: Then why are you in our car pool?

*Wakko: Oh, that's easy.

*Yakko: We just came along because Warner Bros. gives out prizes for carpooling.

*Dot: We each get a free ice-cream cone at the studio commissary.

Wakko: All right. (The Warners climb back in the car) Let's go collect our winnings.

Yakko: We'll pick you guys up tonight at 5. And you can relax on the way home. It's our turn to drive.

All: (Screaming)

(Jan, Phil and Ed screamed and fainted. They ran away as the Warners attempt to drive as the cartoon ends.)

Slappy and Skippy Intro[]

*Warners:

She's a cranky old critter,

She's bitter, we warn ya.

She lives in a treehouse

In Burbank, California.

Along with her nephew,

He says, "Spew!"

He's cheerful

Then his aunt starts to rant

She gives him an earful!

She's grumpy, he's happy,

It's generation gappy.

Take a whirl with the squirrels,

Skippy and Slappy!

*Slappy: Ah, put a sock in it!

*Skippy: That’s my..

*Skippy and Warners: Aunt Slappy!

The Sunshine Squirrels[]

*Slappy: Boo! (Walks home) Comedy rule number 26: Surprise your audience! Heh! Now, there’s edutainment for ya! (Opens the door) My job is done!

*Skippy: Aunt Slappy, you’re home! (Jumps on her)

*Slappy: Uhh.

*Skippy: Boy, have I got great news for you!

*Slappy: Eh… The prune festival is back in town?

*Skippy: No!

*Slappy: They've cloned Brad Pitt and I have first dibs?

*Skippy: No!

*Slappy: Pat Boone pierced his tongue and can't sing anymore?

*Skippy: No, panel, I'm going to turn over all the cards. The great news is, your agent called and he got you a job.

*Slappy: (Gasps) (Faints)

(Skippy poured water on Slappy.)

*Slappy: (Sputters) My agent? You mean Manny? I thought he died.

*Skippy: He said it was your career that died.

*Slappy: Sounds like Manny. What's he got for me?

*Skippy: A network show.

*Slappy: On the WB?

*Skippy: No, a real network show.

(Drums play.)

*Slappy: Now, there's your comedy! So, Skippy, what's the catch?

*Skippy: Uh, no catch, Aunt Slappy. It's a live TV special, featuring classic comedy acts of the past.

*Slappy: Amazing. Manny finally came through. So why are you hiding all my explosives in the closet?

*Skippy: I didn't want you to do anything drastic.

*Slappy: And why would I? She asked as if she cared.

*Skippy: Well, the network wants you to perform the Restaurant Sketch with your partner, Suzy Squirrel.

*Slappy: I don't work with partners. I'm a single. I've always been a single.

(Skippy claps and the lights dim and he shows Slappy a movie.)

*Skippy: Now, everyone knows you paired up with Suzy in a few films in the '30s.

*Slappy: Jack Warner made me do it.

*Skippy: The films were very popular.

*Slappy: It was a disaster.

Skippy: It's just a one-time reunion, Aunt Slappy.

(Slappy claps and the lights came back on.)

*Slappy: Ah. Oh, all right. I suppose I can work with Suzy Squirrel again even if she is a no-talent, scene-stealing line-changing, good-for-nothing, back-stabbing slob who ruined every sketch we ever did. (Blasts off) Aah!

*Skippy: She took that a lot better than I thought.

*Slappy: (Grunts then Groans) I'm glad I didn't overreact. But there's absolutely no way I'll work with Suzy Squirrel.

*Skippy: It's for triple scale.

*Slappy: What time do I have to be at the studio?

*Skippy: It broadcasts live tomorrow at 8.

*Slappy: Fine. When's rehearsal?

*Skippy: Right now.

(Suzy comes in.)

*Suzy: I'm a little bit short on cab fare. Oh, here we go. Be right back. (Walks out)

*Slappy: Yep, same old Suzy Squirrel.

Suzy: Keep the change. (Comes back in) So how you doing, Slapster? Manny told me things haven't been easy for you since we split up. Oh, I can see by the looks of this dump, he was being too kind.

*Slappy: First of all, Suzy, those cheeks you were pinching belong to my nephew, Skippy. Second, if you weren't so vain, you'd wear glasses so you could see this ain't no dump.

*Suzy: You know, when Manny told me how you begged him to team us up again…

*Slappy: (Grunts).

*Suzy: I was genuinely touched.

*Slappy: (Gets out a mallet) Oh, you'll be touched all right. Right on the top of your big, fat, empty cranium. Unh! (Slappy tries to bonk Suzy, but, Skippy stops her)

*Skippy: Maybe once you start rehearsing, things won't be so bad.

*Slappy: Oh. This from the kid who said: "Don't worry, Mr. Daly, The Postman will be a big hit."

*Skippy: Hey, you can't win them all. Here. The Restaurant Sketch.

(Skippy opens the trunk and a restaurant backdrop with a table appears.)

*Suzy: Before we begin, Slappadoo, I made a few changes. You know, added a few jokes.

*Slappy: The sketch is fine the way it is.

*Suzy: Yeah, if you don't want any laughs.

*Slappy: There's plenty of laughs. If you took a breath between bites, you might hear them.

*Suzy: Ha! You wouldn't know a joke if it hit you right on your funny bone.

*Slappy: You belong in the home for the comically challenged.

Suzy: Me?

Slappy: You.

Suzy: Ha!

Slappy: Ha-ha!

Suzy: That's a laugh.

Slappy: Which is one more than you've gotten.

Suzy: Oh, yeah?

Slappy: Yeah!

*Skippy: Isn't show business grand?

Suzy: Vaudeville didn't die, you put it to sleep.

Slappy: Yeah, well, you've been known to cause boredom in laboratory rats.

*Suzy: Ha! I've always been the funny one.

*Slappy: Let's leave your looks out of it.

*Suzy: Oh, you're slaying me.

*Slappy: Don't tempt me.

*Skippy: Uh, Aunt Slappy? Suzy?

*Suzy: Not now, kiddo, I'm on a roll.

*Slappy: If there were any rolls around here, you'd eat them.

*Director: (Claps hands) Ladies, places, please. And remember, this is live, live, live.

*Slappy: We're ready, ready, ready.

*Director: Five, four, three…

*Slappy: And remember, no ad-libs.

*Suzy: Yeah, yeah.

*Director: And we're on.

(The audience cheered.)

Presenter: And now, for the first time in over 60 years, Suzy Squirrel and Slappy Squirrel...

*Slappy: That's Slappy and Suzy.

(Audience laugh.)

*Presenter: In The Restaurant Sketch.

(Audience cheered.)

*Slappy: May I take your order?

*Suzy: Let's see, do you have frog legs?

*Slappy: You betcha.

*Suzy: Well, wear pants and nobody will know.

(Audience laugh.)

*Suzy: So tell me, waiter, how fresh is the lobster?

*Slappy: Pretty fresh. He already pinched me three times today.

(Audience laugh.)

*Slappy: We're going out tonight.

(Audience laugh.)

*Director: This old stuff may be cornball, but it's still funny, eh, Mr. Krump?

Mr Krump: I'm a network executive. I wouldn't know funny if it kicked me in the bupkes. All I know are ratings, shares and demographics. And if we don't get them, I'll be fired. And so will you!

*Suzy: So tell me, waiter, how's the meatloaf that man is eating?

*Slappy: That's a salad.

*Suzy: Ew…

(Audience laugh.)

*Suzy: I'll take the soup.

*Slappy: Good choice. I'll be right back with your order.

*Suzy: Oh, waiter, one more thing.

*Slappy: Grrrr. I said, no ad-libs.

*Suzy: Just a couple of changes. Ahem. Oh, waiter, I'd like to talk to the maître d'.

*Slappy: There is no maître d' in this sketch.

*Suzy: I said, waiter, I'd like to talk to the maître d'.

*Slappy: Fine, I'll get him. Okay, I'm the maître d'. Happy?

(Audience laugh and clapped.)

*Suzy: Yes. I'd like a table with a view.

(Audience laugh.)

*Slappy: (Saws a circle around the table) There. You have a view of your feet.

(Audience clapped.)

*Slappy; Anything else?

*Suzy: Where's my soup?

(Audience laugh.)

*Slappy: Your soup.

*Suzy: Oh, waiter, there's a hair in my soup.

*Slappy: The line is, "There's a fly in my soup."

*Suzy: I said, there's a hair in my soup.

*Slappy: You're right, there is a hair in your soup.

(Audience laugh.)

*Slappy: In fact, there are several.

*Director: Is that in the script?

*Skippy: (Laughs). Who knows?

*Slappy: You see? Laughs. You never did know what was funny.

*Suzy: Aha! Pies are funny.

- MAN: Unh!

*Slappy: Not in cartoons. In cartoons, pianos are funny.

(Slappy pulls a rope and runs as a piano falls on Suzy.)

(Audience laugh.)

(The Warners pop out of the piano and dance before they ran away from Ralph.)

*Suzy: Dynamite is funny.

*Slappy: (Puts out the fuse) Well, it's a chuckle. But for big laughs, I like an entire warehouse of fireworks. Allow me to demonstrate.

(Kaboom!)

(Audience clapped.)

*Slappy: Now, that's comedy. Could you make that check out to cash?

*Mr Krump: But you've ruined our studio. Just look at this mess. Oh, my career is over. And so is yours.

*Assistant: Mr. Krump, the phones are ringing off the hook.

*Mr Krump: What?

*Assistant: The viewers loved it. Everyone wants to know what you're gonna blow up tomorrow night.

*Mary Hartless: The ratings went through the roof for last night's comic reunion of Suzy and Slappy Squirrel.

*Slappy: That's Slappy and Suzy.

*Mary Hartless: Sure it is. And every advertiser in town is calling to sign on. America loves Suzy and Slappy.

*Slappy: Here, enjoy.

*Mary Hartless: Thanks so much!

(Kaboom!)

*Mr Krump: You two are incredible, fantastic, sensational.

*Skippy: We know, Krump, babe, we know. Now, show us the money.

*Mr Krump: Slappy, Suzy, I'm prepared to give you two your very own prime time series. What do you say?

Both: No way.

*Slappy: We're artists. We've got our pride.

*Mr Krump: At quadruple scale.

*Slappy: That ought to just about cover our pride.

*Skippy: Deal. Have your people call our people. You're beautiful, babe. Let's do lunch. After the check clears.

*Slappy: No hard feelings, Suzy. I forgive you.

*Suzy: Me? I should be the one forgiving you.

*Slappy: For what? Letting you perform your act in public?

*Suzy: Well, at least I have an act.

*Slappy: You never did.

*Suzy: Did too.

*Slappy: Did not.

*Suzy: Oh, yeah?

*Slappy: Yeah!

*Suzy: Yeah.

*Slappy: Yeah. Aarrgh!

Suzy: I know funny.

Slappy: I'm gonna get you!

*Skippy: Now, that's comedy, babe.

End[]

(Animaniacs theme instrumental)

*Warners: Ciaoabunga!

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